Same Mistakes

I’ve never seen Liam Payne so down before. He’s usually a ball of sunshine and rainbows, but lately he’s been stressed and tired and he wouldn’t stop looking at twitter and googling his name just to see what negative things people were saying. It was like he was punishing himself for something and the internet was a never ending in pour of the ‘Liam Payne sucks’ club. I would never understand the people who claimed to love him, yet spent all their free time tearing him down to nothing. It’s like they forget he’s a human being.

“Okay, you need to stop!” I said when I walked out of his room from my shower. I found him on his couch with his laptop open on his lap and twitter and tumblr open. I sat next to him and tried to grab the computer but he fought against me, “Liam-”

“Stop!” He shook me off and kept scrolling through all the negativity.

I let out a frustrated sigh, “Why are you doing this? You’re being a hypocrite.”

He glared at me, “How?”

“You always tell me not to look at this stuff and to ignore the negative, and yet you always seem to torture yourself with it!” I gently placed my hand on his shoulder, “Why do you do this to yourself?”

He sighed and covered his face with his hands and groaned. “I don’t know. Fuck, I don’t know.”

I took the opportunity to try for the laptop again, and he let me. I closed it and placed it on the table in front of us. I hated seeing him like this- so run down and just depressed. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me. He let me and leaned into my chest as I leaned back into the couch to better cradle him. He sighed into my collarbone and held me around the waist. “I’m worried about you,” I said against the top of his head.

His hand pushed under the shirt at my hip and his thumb started rubbing softly against my skin. “I just… I don’t understand why they hate me so much. It’s like they forget I’m human too, I’m not a robot.”

“They don’t all hate you,” I promised. “For every negative thing said, there are thousands of others defending you and loving you. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be living your dream right now.”

“I know. But it still sucks that like, everything I do someone has a problem with it. It’s not even just about me,” he sighed. “I hate seeing things said about you.”

I hugged him tighter to me because I know he was scared about that. “I don’t read it Liam. I don’t pay attention.”

“I know. But there’s still always these thoughts clouding my mind. That you’ll figure being with me is more trouble than it’s worth and just walk out.”

I pressed my lips into his hair as I slowly massaged my fingers against his scalp. The defeat in his voice was piercing my heart so badly. Again, this would be the time and place to assure him how much I felt for him. But there was something wrong with me. Some glitch in the system that wouldn’t let me say it. “Liam,” I sighed softly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Not now. But who knows how things will pan out.”

“That’s the point. No one does.” I shivered when he turned his face into my neck and breathed deep, his lips brushing against my flesh. “Liam I just- I’m here, yeah? I’m with you, and I’m not going anywhere. Not any time soon. That’s what I can promise you.”

He shifted us so we were both lying fully on the couch and on our sides facing each other. I had him trapped between me and the back of the couch. He smiled softly at me, but he still had sad eyes. He looked so knackered, with the bags under his eyes and how tense he’s been. Time off for him wasn’t really time off. There were still meetings, recording and appearances- and now add all the negative hate on top of it, plus the fact that I couldn’t tell him how much I felt for him.

I placed my hand on his neck and ran my thumb softly against his jaw, “You mean so much to me Liam. I hate seeing you so defeated over everything.”

In reply he just kissed me, sighing contently into my mouth. Trapping my bottom lip between his and sucking lightly. It was a slow and soft but a bit needy. If he needed me to take his mind off things, then I’d kissed him until the end of time if he wanted me too. His hand pressed into my lower back to hold me to him tighter as he deepened the kiss.

I was feeling so overwhelmed as he continued to kiss me- so slowly. But in a good way. I wanted to take this wounded boy and make him whole again any way I could. He didn’t need to be fixed, no, but he needed to be mended. He wore his heart on his sleeve and it was clear that it wasn’t always a good thing. “Jazmin,” he breathed into my mouth. He drew out the syllables as he did, Jaz-min, like he was pleading with me.

I pulled my mouth from his slowly, his teeth dragging against my bottom lip. I might not have been able to say the L-word, but I could still use other words. “I’m here Liam. Okay? You’re so important to me and I need you to know that. If I could stop the world from saying horrible rubbish about you I would in a heartbeat. But all I can do is be here for you, and I am, I’m trying.”

I can’t even begin to describe the look in his eyes. I’ve seen it a few times before, and it was like he could knock the life out of me with that look. It was like he was looking at everything he’s ever needed and it kind of scared me, but not enough to make me want to run. All I wanted to do was hold him closer. He reached up and brushed some hair out of my face, “You already know how much you mean to me.”

That was true, I did. It was obvious with how he’d fought for me to be with him and how he continues to fight for us every day. He was so, so, so good to me and I fought hard to be just as good to him when I could. “I know.”

He sighed, this time the small smile reaching his eyes, “Can we just lay here until I have to go to my meeting?”

“Of course we can.” I pressed a short kiss to his lips, “I told you I was here with you, remember.”

He snorted a soft laugh, “I didn’t know you were being so literal.”

I hummed, “When the mood strikes.”

*****

I hadn’t seen Jesy in two days, not since our fight. So when I walked into the house after I parted with Liam, I was surprised to see her. She was sitting on the couch texting on her phone while the tellie was on. She looked up when I walked in and looked unsure of the situation, much like how I felt. “Hey,” she said after a moment of silence.

“Hey.” I dropped my bag and tentatively made my way into the living room. I sat on the loveseat next to the couch she was on. “Look, I’m sorry-”

“No, I’m sorry!”

I sighed in relief and moved to sit next to her, “I shouldn’t have been so negative about you and Jordan, that was out of order of me.”

She shook her head, “No, it’s- I understand. You have every right to question my judgment when it comes to him. It’s just… I love him you know? I need to see if maybe we can make this work.”

I nodded, “I understand. Just know, I’ll be here if he treats you like anything less than the goddess you are.”

She wrapped me in a bone crushing hug, “You can do whatever you’d like if he’s a twat, I promise.” When we pulled apart she grasped my hand, “And I’m sorry for what I said about you and Liam. I shouldn’t have said that too you, it’s not my business.”

I shook my head, “No, you’re right though,” I admitted sadly.

She gave me a look full of concern, “Do you want to talk about it? What’s going on with you and Liam I mean?”

I shrugged, “There’s not much to tell. For some reason I can’t say I- I can’t say how I really feel. I don’t know why,” I stammered.

She rubbed her lips together as she took in my words. “Do you love him?”

The first impulse was to deny and even as I was shaking my head I knew it was pointless. “Maybe,” I sighed. “I think so,” I admitted, “But for some reason I can’t tell him.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know!” I sighed, “There have been two times now when I wanted to tell him. The urge to just tell him was so strong, yeah? But they always get caught in my throat like they’re going to choke me!” I looked to my cousin, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I tell him that I lo-” I sighed. “I can’t even say the fucking word!” I cried defeated. “Why can’t I say it Jesy?”

She looked so sad for me. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes because I couldn’t handle that kind of pity. “I don’t know Jaz. You’ve always been so good at hiding your feelings, it’s just how you are.”

“Well what once was an awesome defense to keep wankers from getting to me is now hindering probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

She pondered a moment, “Maybe you can talk to him about it?”

I shook my head, “I made such a big deal about how we should forget about what I said. That I wasn’t ready for it, I can’t just change my mind now!”

“Well what do you thinks changed? From when you told him to forget it happened and now?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I really don’t. I feel so bipolar!”

“I think- and don’t take this the wrong way- that you’re making this harder for yourself.” She squeezed my hand to make sure I was listening, “You’ve already said it once, yeah? So we know you’re capable of saying it. You just need to stop over thinking it. You’ll say it when it’s right. You’ll know even if your brain tells you otherwise. Love it more than just a word, it’s a feeling, and you were clearly feeling it that night. Just don’t stress about it. It’ll happen again. Just try not to freak out about it, just let it happen. If you’re scared, talk to Liam. If you’re anxious, overwhelmed, happy then tell Liam! That’s what good boyfriends are there for. You tell them how you’re feeling so they can help you work it out. Liam couldn’t be more of the perfect boyfriend.”

I sighed, “I know. Sometimes I think I don’t deserve him.”

She gave me a hard look, “Don’t think like that. You more than deserve Liam, you just have some obstacles. We all do, you’ll get through this.”

I leaned my head on her shoulder, “Where would I be without you?”

“It’s hard to say. My advice is really fantastic,” she joked. “But it’s what older cousins are for.”

“Oh yeah, the two weeks you’ve got on me, really makes you so much wiser.”

“I’m glad you see that too.”

I smacked her thigh as I chuckled. “But we’re okay, yeah?” I sighed going back to the topic at hand. “I mean, with the fight? I really am sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s okay. We’re fine, I understand your side. I’m sorry too, you know.”

“I know.”

We sat there contently for a moment before Jesy shifted to stand up, “You wanna help me do laundry?”

“Are you for real?” I moaned.

“Pleeeeeease? You know how much I hate doing it! Plus I just gave you some sage advice!”

“Not really…”

She glared at me, “I so did! Now please help me!”

“Fine!”

*****

Liam showed up that night after his meeting with food. “Hey,” he smiled when I opened the door. “I hope you girls haven’t eaten yet, I got Nandos.”

“Did I hear Nandos?” Jesy called out before she appeared behind me.

Liam held up the bags, “Yes.”

“Oh my god,” she sighed happily. “We were just trying to figure out what to eat. You’re a saint!” She rushed over and grabbed the bags from him, “Jazmin, kiss your boyfriend before I do, because he is a godsend!”

I laughed as she wondered back into the house. I opened the door more to let Liam in, “She’s starving.”

“I can see that.” He looked more relaxed than he did earlier. His laugh lines were on his face, and his eyes looked more alive. He closed the space between us and kissed me hello, “How was the rest of your day?” he asked still so close to my face. “I’m guessing you made up with Jesy.”

I hummed, “I did. We’ve been good.”

He hugged me close and kissed my neck, “I’m glad. Now come on, let’s eat.”

We all ate and chatted and watched a rerun of Big Fat Quiz that was on, and I just felt relaxed. Jesy and I were good, and Liam looked so much better than this morning.

After we cleaned up, Jesy announced that she was going to Jordan’s to which I politely told her to have a good time. I still didn’t like the guy, but I’d be okay with it for her.

Liam and I were on the couch, I had my legs thrown over his lap and his fingers were tracing patterns into my thighs. “Can you stay over? Or do you have to be somewhere tomorrow?”

He shook his head, “My day is free tomorrow, so yeah, I can stay.” I got up and pulled him up to my room before I kissed him with a fierce intensity. He went along with it until I went to unbutton his shirt, “Wait, wait.” he sighed out of breath, “I want to talk to you about something first.”

I ran my teeth over my bottom lip, “Okay.”

He pulled me over to my bed and sat us both down. His face was light so I took that as a good sign, but other than that I couldn’t read the situation. “I have to go to America next week.”

“Oh,” that wasn’t I thought this talk was going to be about. Usually when he told me he had to go somewhere it was just in a fleeting moment like ‘I have to go to Japan for promo’ while he was shaving in the bathroom or ‘going to Paris for a few days,’ as he handed me a glass of wine. We never had a sit down talk about it. “Okay, how long?”

“Only a week, but I-” he sighed like he was unsure of what to say. He looked around the room for a moment, nervously running his finger through his hair before he looked at me again. “I know it’s short notice but- but I want you to come with me, with us.”

Well, not the sit down talk made sense. “You want me to go to America with you?”

He nodded, “Yeah. We’re going to New York for a few days, then LA. Louis is bringing Eleanor, so it’s not like you’ll be the only girlfriend there. Plus it’ll give you someone to hang out with when we’re busy doing band stuff. You get along with her well enough, yeah?”

I nodded. I met Eleanor when she’d come to visit while we were all on tour. She was a lovely, cheeky, uni student that balanced Louis personality almost perfectly. Plus she brought out the softy in him. Liam really given this a lot of thought, I could tell. “You’re going for a week?”

“Well, 8 days.” He sighed, “I know it’s last minute, and I know you have work with the magazine and all that. If you need a work related reason to go, I’ve already talked to Paul and he said he’d let you take pictures to use for the magazine. I mean, you’d have to talk to him about all the details and stuff but I-”

“Liam,” I cut him off. He was talking really fast. He seriously had thought of every excuse for me to go.

He sighed, “Sorry. I just- I want you to come.”

He was looking at me with so much hope that it made my heart want to burst out of my chest. “What days?”

“We’re set to leave Monday and get back the following Tuesday.”

“Okay.”

He looked shocked, “Okay?”

“Wha- Did you want me to say no?”

“No!” he said hurriedly, “I just thought I’d have to talk you into it more.”

I rolled my eyes at that, “Oh thanks.”

He tackled me to the bed, “Don’t get offended babe.” He peppered kissed across my neck and face, “I’m glad you’re coming!” He sounded so excited that it got me excited. He hovered above me with a massive smile on his face, “Did you want to tall work? Or Paul and work out the details-”

I shook my head, “No. I don’t want to have to work while I’m there. I can call in a favor at work, I’ll be covered. It’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? Cause-”

“Liam,” I cut him off. “I’m sure. I want to come to America with you. I miss the lads anyway.”

“Oh, is that the only reason?” he pouted.

I giggled as I leaned up and kissed his perfectly pouted lips. “No, obviously I wanna spend a fantastic week with my fantastic boyfriend.”

He hummed and he leaned into kiss me again, “Fantastic boyfriend?”

“Mmhm,” I hummed against his kiss. “He’s the best.”

“Yeah?”

I swiftly pushed at his shoulder and flipped us over so I was straddling him against the bed, “Since you doubt my words, shall I show you?”

He smirked, “Well, if you insist.”