All That Matters

Taylor was staring at me from her place across the breakfast table. She’d gone back to eating the way her brother did, all fruit and whole grains on her plate as I tried to choke down the omelet that I’d made and only managed to pick at. I didn’t have much of an appetite to speak of and her prying eyes trained on me with such consistency didn’t help matters.

She’d heard me get up and make my ritual visit to the bathroom in the middle of the night for the third night in a row. She’d refused to let it go unnoticed.

I was still making excuses to avoid talking to Sidney about it and I had yet to even purchase a test and Taylor was losing patience with me. Not that I could blame her. Frankly, I was losing patience with myself.

“You two are a couple of odd ducks,” my father muttered as he took his bowl towards the sink and refilled his coffee cup.

“This is how I convince Bronwyn to do things that I want to do.”

“Like what?”

“Take me shopping.”

She didn’t blink.

She didn’t look away.

She was trying to intimidate me, and I hated to admit that it was starting to wear away at my will.

“I can take you if she’s being a Grinch. What are we after?”

“Girl stuff, Chuck.”

“Forget I offered,” he said, putting his hand up in surrender. “I’m going to research flights to Halifax.”

“Taking us up on the cabin offer?”

“Seriously considering it. The change of pace might be nice.”

“We can get you a flight, Dad. Think of it as a gift.”

“I can pay my own way, if I choose to go.”

While I’d always thought that my stubbornness had come from my mother, I realized that part of it could be blamed on my father and his pride. I’d been doomed from the start.

He looked quickly towards Taylor before I could concoct an argument. “I’ll leave you girls to it.” Then, after a pause, “has she blinked?”

“I’m a goalie, I can do this for hours.”

“Your eyeballs could fall out,” he warned her playfully.

“Willing to risk it,” she quipped.

“Fine,” I spat. “We’ll go.”

She smiled triumphantly and looked away quickly. My father sighed and rolled his eyes as he headed for the old desktop he kept in the corner of the dining room.

“You’re such a little shit,” I muttered.

“Don’t fight, girls,” my dad called over his shoulder.

We went to the cities, braving the traffic and crowds on a Saturday in November. The holiday shopping season was in full swing and Taylor hadn’t been kidding about wanting to go shopping. She just happened to be using it as an excuse to get me out of the house, away from my father, and past what seemed to be every pharmacy Minneapolis and St. Paul had to offer.

We both managed to get a vast amount of our Christmas shopping done. It was too much to shove back into my luggage and one of our final stops ended up being the nearest FedEx location so I could just ship it all back to Pittsburgh. Taylor sent her purchases along. We were all set to be spending Christmas as a family in Pittsburgh anyway and that way it would all be wrapped and waiting under the tree when they arrived.

I dragged her into a clothing store, knowing that we were just yards from the nearest big name pharmacy. I didn’t want to go in tried to kill more time. I was attempting to make our shopping trip last until we had just enough time to get home before the game started. That way, there wouldn’t be enough time for her to follow me around with a pregnancy test, staring until I gave in.

She wasn’t going to let me get away with it. She stared at me, her arms crossed and jaw set, as I thumbed through a rack of dresses, picking a few that seemed game appropriate. I could feel her eyes on me and hesitated in looking her way.

I didn’t really need any new dresses. I had plenty, a closet full that I hadn’t yet worn. I just wasn’t ready to face facts.

“How long are you going to avoid pharmacies?” she asked as I held up two dresses in comparison.

I had no intention of buying either one. One wasn’t even available in my size. I was just avoiding eye-contact.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You sped up and broke into a cold sweat when you saw that drugstore down the street. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

“I don’t know why you’re so concerned about this.”

She gave me a stern look. “I may be Sid’s kid sister, but I am his sister. It concerns me because it concerns him.”

Her words hit my like a fist to the chest. Taylor and I were close; I had come to regard her as my little sister. But she was Sidney’s flesh and blood. It hurt her when I kept from him and her ire was well placed to say the least.

“I didn’t break into a sweat,” I argued.

“You’re glistening. And I would offer to go buy a stick for you to pee on but I don’t want to enable you.”

“Enable me?”

“My brother fell head over heels for you because you’re tough and no nonsense; not because you make like a turtle and hide from the things that scare you.”

“I’ve done it before.”

“Yeah, and my brother was so concerned that you’d gone off the deep end that he ran off to Boston to rescue you.”

She was right. I’d been bested by a seventeen year old. The only person on earth who seemed to know my husband as well as I did, and she was using it as a weapon against me. She knew what she was doing and I was going to lose.

“Fine. Next pharmacy we see I’ll go buy a test.”

“And you’ll take it tonight.”

“I’ll take it before I leave for Pittsburgh.”

“Tonight.”

“I’ve heard that mornings are better. More accurate readings or…”

“Excuses.”

I simply sighed as she pulled the dresses from my hands and hung them back on the rack, herding me towards the door. I could see the neon sign of the drugstore across the street and dug my heels into the ground, but it did me no good. She was propelling me forward and I couldn’t really stop her.

“What if I’d wanted one of those dresses?”

“Like the twenty other dresses you’ve looked at and put back today?” she rolled her eyes. “You weren’t going to buy those dresses. One was too expensive and the other was a size two.”

I resisted the childish urge to stick my tongue out at her.

She pointed to the building on the corner across the street. “Pharmacy. Go.”

She gave me a hefty shove and I led the way as I felt my heart thundering in my chest.

I was pregnant. I knew that I was. I’d stopped at the grocery store the day before to buy the ingredients for my mother’s beef stew and had tossed prenatal vitamins into the cart. I knew that it was the truth; that I had led myself directly to birth control failure and as a consequence of not stopping Sidney long enough to retrieve a condom from his wallet or the table on his side of the bed; I would be heavily pregnant when the playoffs rolled around.

Still, I didn’t want to admit it and I didn’t want to take a test that would force me to admit it. I was like an ostrich with my head buried in the sand. As if not having proof made it any less real.

The choices were overwhelming as I stood in the aisle staring at the different options. I felt like I was flying blind. I didn’t even know what half of the words on the boxes meant. Taylor had her hands shoved into her pockets, resembling her brother as she so often did.

“Just close your eyes and grab one,” she suggested.

“Blindly grab a box. That’s your advice?”

“Sounds like a better option than breaking down into tears in the middle of a Pharmacy in St. Paul.”

I was on the verge of losing it; that was for sure. It told me she could see the emotions written all over my face. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Her plan seemed as good as any when I reached out and grabbed a box in each hand.

I paid no attention as I paid with cash and shoved the paper bag into my purse like it contained an illicit substance and I didn’t want to be seen with it on the street. It was as though shoving it deep into the side pocket amongst the old gum wrappers and loose change that I could never find when I needed it, could make it less real; less terrifying.

I drove us home, though Taylor volunteered to do the driving when she saw my hands shaking. Still, I felt better keeping my focus on the road ahead and having something to do with my hands.

“You’re going to be a great mom,” she murmured as I merged onto the interstate.

I glanced to my right, the look on her face one that read of both sincerity and concern. She wasn’t angry with me anymore. She probably hadn’t been in the first place, she’d just known what kind of shove it would take to get me to do what I needed to do.

“Why is it that everyone feels that way aside from me?”

“Because you don’t see yourself the way we see you. You let your self-doubt cloud your judgment. We don’t doubt you. We don’t have reason to.”

“Still.”

“Wyn, “ she said as she turned in her seat slightly, facing me as I trained my eyes on the road ahead of me, “My big brother had a checklist. A literal checklist that described the type of woman he would marry. He was always picky. Too picky. Then you showed up.”

“And it all went to shit,” I muttered.

“No. And that’s how our vision of you differs from your own. The girl who showed up in our kitchen, dessert in hand, was that list personified. Driven. Independent. Funny. Tough. Caring. All of the things that Sidney wanted in his life. All of the things he felt like he needed to make something work.”

“Point being?”

“The point is, he never would have married someone he didn’t know, without a doubt, would be a great mom. That was like the second item on the list.”

“What was the first item?”

“Something along the lines of ‘not seeking fame and fortune.’ Or maybe it was ‘treats me like a normal human being.’ It was one of the two.”

I glanced at her doubtfully. Sidney was particular; I wasn’t calling that into question. It was just his way. He wanted things to be perfect even though he knew perfection didn’t actually exist. But to think that there’d been a list and that I had matched up with his demands was hard to take.

“You were all he talked about, this elusive creature that I was almost sure he’d made up. He was afraid to tell Mom and Dad about it, but he told me all about you. He was so in love with you. I swear, the day we met you, Mom had already decided you were the one for him. Nanny Crosby was the same way after Christmas.

“I trust their judgment. They all believe that you’ll be a great mother. Just like you’re a great daughter and wife. And big sister.”

She reached over and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. The ways in which she was like Sidney amazed me. She gave the same pep talk he would have, the same firm contact to show support and keep me tethered at the same time.

“You have to take the test. Get it over with and move forward.”

“Like taking off a Bandaid.”

“Something like that.”

I spent the afternoon trying to fit the few items I’d purchased for myself into my luggage. I knew it would all be overweight anyway when all was said and done, but it didn’t stop me from trying to achieve the impossible.

Mostly I just held it until I felt like my bladder would burst from the pressure. All while Taylor watched me like a hawk.

“If you don’t pee soon, I’m going to start watering your plants or something.”

“I don’t have any plants.”

“Well, I’m going to do something that involves pouring water so you can’t stand it any longer. Or maybe I’ll talk about waterfalls and rainstorms.”

“I hate you.”

“Just pee on the stick and call your husband.”

“Even if I do take the test, I’m not calling your brother right now.”

“Why the hell not?”

I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. “Because, the puck drops in just over an hour. I’m not going to send that kind of distraction his way.”

“Are you kidding? If you called Sid and told him you’re having a baby—“

“Would you keep your voice down?” I hissed.

“If you told him you’re pregnant,” she said, her voice low as she leaned forward, “he would probably have the best game of his life.”

“No. he wouldn’t.”

“He’d be high on adrenaline and testosterone. He’d be a beast out there. Unstoppable.”

“Not if he knew that I was unhappy, and that’s one thing I’m not really capable of hiding from your brother.”

“Unhappy?”

“I’m not ready. This is a real thing and a good thing, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that the timing feels so wrong and I know he’ll be ecstatic, but I can’t work myself into that right now. I don’t dare call him and let him know that I’m not feeling the same way he will be over this. Because all I feel right now is terror. All out terror.”

She gave me a sympathetic glance. It wasn’t a game to her anymore. She wasn’t going to push any buttons or try to drive me crazy.

“I’m gonna go help Chuck with dinner.”

Dad was heating up leftover stew. It wasn’t something he needed any real help with, but she knew that I needed some space. She walked across the room and towards the door. She glanced at the paper bag that I’d placed on my bureau and I followed her gaze. She was right; I needed to take the test, even though I knew what the result would be. Still, I wasn’t going to tell Sidney until I could look him in the eye. The phone was too impersonal and my father’s lack of wifi made Skype impossible.

I would find a way to tell him when we were both at home.

I slipped one of the boxes out of the bag and headed for the bathroom. I heard my father’s crowing laughter from the kitchen. He enjoyed Taylor and she was fond of him. Having her around seemed to make my father miss me a little less.

I was glad they’d bonded.

They seemed to need each other.

Personally, I needed my husband, but he was hundreds of miles away doing the job that he loved. I could never hold that against him, but it was one of those moments that I almost wished things were different, that we could be normal. But that wasn’t our lot in life and I knew that we wouldn’t be the same if that were the case.

I would just have to suck it up and take the test alone.

For a person who hadn’t urinated in nearly eight hours, actually peeing turned out to be a terrible struggle. I was too tense, every muscle in my body coiled tightly.

I reached towards the sink and turned the water on, closing my eyes and trying to coax my body into relaxing. Somehow, in a locked bathroom, I was as tense as I’d been the last time I’d found myself in a public cubicle with a broken latch and a couple remaining squares of single-ply paper.

The tears, on the other hand, flowed without issue. By the time I’d managed to relax enough to pee and two-minutes had passed, my eyes began to leak. I turned off the water still running in the sink as I sat there staring at the letters on the test that spelled out just what I knew they would.

Pregnant.

I tossed the test back into the box. There were two others in the box and yet another two in the other box that was still back in my bedroom. I didn’t need any of them, though I knew I’d take another test in the morning and maybe another before returning to Pittsburgh.

I flushed and returned to my room, box in hand. Before I could so much as stow the box, Taylor had returned. I was still holding it in my hands, sitting on the end of my bed and weeping when she came through the door, closing it carefully behind her.

She didn’t say a word as she joined me, one of her arms wrapped around my shoulders.

She just let me cry, holding me all the while.

I felt ridiculous, being comforted by a teenager.

I didn’t hear my father outside the door and didn’t notice the door open before he spoke.

“Dinner’s served la—“

He stopped short and took in the image before him. He was a smart enough man to figure it out. He saw my tears and the furrowed look upon Taylor’s brow. Then, after a moment, he saw the box in my hands.

“Girl stuff,” he murmured in understanding.

“Girl stuff,” Taylor replied as she got to her feet. “I’ll go set the table.”

He nodded and took her place on the end of the bed as she slipped out of the room. I wasn’t sure what he would say and he wound up surprising me.

“From the beginning,” he murmured.

I could remember a few other talks that had started that way. There had been one when I was trying to choose the schools I wanted to apply to. I hadn’t even known what I wanted to study but I’d been worried about where I was heading. I had been so worried that he’d be upset if I decided to study in Boston, but he’d just sat with me for a while before asking me to start at the beginning. He liked me to talk myself through things, in part because he knew I could and also because he preferred not to give more advice than I actually wanted from him.

But I didn’t have some long tale to tell him. It was much simpler than that.

“I’m not ready.”

I let the box fall to the floor. There was no sense in keeping it clutched in my hand. I waited for the lecture. The reminder that I was a grown woman who was well aware of how birth control worked. But it didn’t happen.

“What about Sidney?”

“He’s ready. We’ve talked about it a few times, and he’s looking forward to this. I’m not though. I’m not prepared. I’m not equipped to be a mom.”

I was still crying, but the words dominated the tears which was welcome relief.

“Yes, you are. But I’m sure I’m not the only person to say that today.”

He was right; Taylor had been trying to convince me of it for days.

“I don’t feel like it.”

“Neither did your mom.”

I didn’t know what to say. I had a mother who struck me as the type who always knew they wanted children. I’d always assumed that she’d fallen into it with so much ease it made other women look lost. I couldn’t picture her unsure. She’d always had the answers, always so self-assured. So aware of me and what I needed that it could only have come from her nature.

“We were trying for a while before you came along, but as soon as your mom found out she was pregnant, she panicked. She was so sure we’d made the wrong decision. She was so afraid that she’d drop you on your head or give you some sort of terrible complex and ruin you. She cried for three days, then we talked about it and she calmed down a little.

“I think it was hard for her because she didn’t have a mother who she could talk to about it. Grandma Ina tried to help her through it a little, but I knew even then that it wasn’t the same.”

He knew me well, because that was the hardest thing for me, not having my mom to talk me through it or give me advice. I was so afraid that I couldn’t do it without her to guide me. Sidney had tried to quell some of those fears, but it hadn’t changed the way I felt. The fear remained.

“And I know that it isn’t the same for you to have me, I’m not the best with advice, you know that. But I’m here, no matter what. Beyond that, you have Trina and I’m sure she’ll help you out if you need the kind of advice only a mother can give. And then there’s Mario’s wife, Taylor says that she’s fond of you.”

“It isn’t the same.”

Those women, love them as I did, weren’t my mother. They weren’t the people that I wanted to talk to when things got hard or I was afraid. In those moments, no matter how long she’d been gone, the only voice I wanted to hear talking me through belonged to my mother.

“I know.”

He didn’t ask what I was going to do or if I’d told Sidney. He didn’t push and he didn’t prod. He just sat with me until the tears started to dry, rubbing my back as he sat quietly.

“Are you going to want dinner?” he asked after a while. “You should probably eat something.”

I’d barely touched the lunch that I’d ordered while I was out with Taylor. She plowed through her own and I’d only managed to pick at my own salad. But I hadn’t felt hungry then and the last thing on my mind, though I could smell the dinner he’d prepared, was food.

“At least come downstairs and sit with us. We’ll still watch the game as a family and maybe the two of us can manage to stay awake this time.”

He sent me a quiet smile and stood up, stopping only to place a quick kiss on my temple.

“It’s all going to be just fine, Pooh Bear.”

He was right, that much I knew was true. As far as situations to find oneself dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, mine was the least trying. I was happily married, even if newly so. We were financially stable and would be for a very long time. Our children would have everything that they needed. We weren’t teenagers and aside from the fact that I’d allowed myself to fall into a trap of failed birth control, we were plenty responsible.

But being old enough and having the means to support children was a lot different than feeling ready to be a parent. But maybe that fear was like my mother’s had been, panic. But I couldn’t be sure. Maybe when my head cleared a little I would be able to know the cause of my emotions, but I wasn’t sure when that would happen.

I stayed sitting there for a few minutes before picking the box up off of the floor and dropping it into my suitcase. I took a deep breath, my lungs still feeling shaky. I wasn’t sure if I was up to eating dinner with my father and sister-in-law, but I wasn’t doing myself any favors sitting alone in my childhood room.

I headed for the kitchen and tried to ignore the way they watched me as if waiting for the tears to start again. I was feeling calmer, but it wouldn’t take much to take away what little peace I’d found.

Eating didn’t end up happening for me, though by the time the game was half over, Taylor had pushed her bowl of popcorn towards me and I’d managed to eat a few handfuls of her after-dinner snack. They were still watching me closely, but at least during the game I was able to focus on something aside from the feeling of the other eyes in the room on me.

Generally after a game I looked forward to hearing Sid’s voice the way I so often did. It was just another of our habits. But I knew that he wouldn’t call after their game against the Panthers. They’d be hustling after the game and the bus would take them immediately to the airport for their flight home. It would be late enough by the time that they got home that I wouldn’t hear from him until the next morning, probably later than usual.

He struggled with sleeping on the plane, usually finding something to keep him busy while they were in flight.

But I was relieved. I was exhausted from my earlier crying jag and I wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. I was dreading the nausea I knew would wake me in the middle of the night. I wasn’t even sure that I could keep my voice even when he did call. I had to gather my thoughts and get some rest before I even considered how my first conversation with my husband would go now that I could no longer deny the truth. Now that I wasn’t lying to myself, I wasn’t sure I could lie to him; even though it was a lie of omission that wouldn’t last long.

I did as I’d hoped, falling asleep before Taylor had even retired to my room. I was sure she and my father stayed up to talk about the situation that I found myself in, but I was too tired to care. The nausea woke me in the middle of the night and I made me trip to the bathroom as I had every night since I’d arrived in Minnesota.

Taylor was awake when I got back to the room.

“Sid’s home now,” she whispered in the darkness as I slid back under the covers.

“How do you know?”

“He texted me. He knows I’m a night owl, assumed I’d be awake.”

“Tell him goodnight for me, would you?”

She didn’t argue. She didn’t ask why I didn’t just do it myself. I heard the click of her fingers against the screen as she sent the message. She settled into the covers on her cot, the springs creaking as she shifted her weight onto one side.

“You doing okay?”

“I’m fine, Tay.”

“It’s just…” she trailed off.

“I’m really okay. It will be better tomorrow.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

“When we’re both home. I don’t want to do it over the phone.”

Frankly, it would probably be easier to blurt it all out on the phone. I knew that as soon as I was with him, overwhelmed by him in the way I sometimes was when I hadn’t seen him in a while, it wouldn’t be so simple. The words wouldn’t flow easily. I would stammer and mumble and he’d be frustrated with me by the end of it.

The few times I’d allowed myself to fantasize about what it would be like to tell him I was pregnant when we were both ready for it, it had been cute and creative. Something that would make for a fun story to share. But in real life, presented with the task of telling him, I doubted I could get the words out without throwing up.

I closed my eyes, knowing that he’d be happy when I finally managed to tell him.

Images of Sid lying on our couch with Estelle sleeping peacefully upon his chest drifted into my thoughts as I began to drift towards sleep.

He was going to be a great father, that was something I was sure of. He was busy, always busy, but I knew that he’d make time. His priorities would shift and it wouldn’t be a struggle for him. It would just be a slight shift in his center of gravity in the way it had been when I’d come into his life.

I reminded myself of how much Sid wanted children as I trudged through the remainder of my trip back to Minnesota. It made me both dread and look forward to my trip home, though I would arrive home on Tuesday after the team had headed to Long Island for their game that night.

We took Taylor back to Shattuck on Monday afternoon and we all struggled a little in saying goodbye. But it would only be a few weeks before everyone was in Pittsburgh celebrating Christmas with us in the short break the guys had between away games.

My father didn’t mention anything until we’d arrived at home and settled in to share the rest of the leftover stew at the kitchen table. I’d known it was coming. I’d seen him watching me, trying to measure what he said and when he said it. He didn’t want to say too much and push me away. The last thing he wanted was for me to call Sebastian’s mother for a ride to the airport on Tuesday morning.

“I know you’re worried,” he murmured, his spoon hovering just above his bowl. “And I know you might not be ready to hear it, but I have to say that I’m happy for you.”

“Because you’re obsessed with having grandkids.”

“That might be, but that isn’t why. I’m happy for you because this is a wonderful thing. You’re going to settle into this and see it the same way. It might take some time and maybe a little convincing from Sidney, but you’ll get there. I’m happy to see you building a family of your own, even if it wasn’t what you expected.”

I didn’t argue with him. Frankly, I hoped that he was right. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be feeling butterflies from the excitement of it all, not because I was terrified I was going to be airsick on the trip back to Pittsburgh.

I truly hoped that when I got home and spoke to Sidney I would feel the same way. I hoped that by the time we were ready to share our news with his parents, since I’d sworn his sister to absolute secrecy where they were concerned, I would be feeling nothing but joy about the announcement.

“Thank you, Daddy,” I managed to murmur.

He nodded, refraining from saying much else before we headed to bed.

I hadn’t been able to avoid a conversation with Sidney the day before, though I’d cut it short to help Taylor prepare to head back to school. He hadn’t been suspicious that I was acting out of character, but I wasn’t sure I would manage to get through it without Taylor there as a buffer.

I also couldn’t go without calling him.

The phone rang only once before he picked up. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he was sitting there watching the Flyers game with his phone in one hand and a beer in the other. But I didn’t ask, I just hoped he was distracted enough that he wouldn’t notice the way that my voice was shaking softly.

“Hey, honey.”

“Hi,” I replied. “How was your day?”

“Good. Yours?”

“Busy. We took Taylor back today.”

“Yeah. I talked to her earlier. She said she had a great time with you and Chuck. Mom missed having her at home, but I’m glad you two got some time together.”

“I’m pretty sure she enjoyed Dad more than she enjoyed time with me.”

“Maybe, but she sure talked you up.”

I chuckled. “She’s a great kid.”

“I wish I saw her more.”

“Christmas. And if her flight gets in on time, I’ll be able to drag her to the Flames game that Saturday.”

He sighed. “So many away games though.”

“You’ll get to see her. I promise.”

I wasn’t even sure that was true. He didn’t get much time with her and there were times that he had regrets about it. He knew that every decision he’d made about leaving him and playing at Shattuck and Rimouski where the right ones. He knew that was the case. But it didn’t make him wonder what it would have been like if he hadn’t left home when she was five.

“When’s your flight tomorrow?”

“Late morning. You’ll be gone by the time I’m home.”

“Do you need me to get you a car?”

“No. Sebastian is making himself useful.”

“Glad to hear it.”

I hadn’t seen Sebastian much since we’d settled in. He was busy with work and I’d been busy getting everything settled with my own work. He’d also been plenty distracted moving forward with his DJ friend and didn’t have as much free time as he was used to.

“You sound tired.”

He was fighting back a yawn, that much was clear.

“It’s been a long day. Spent some extra time at the rink.”

“Maybe we should both just call it a night.”

He didn’t seem keen on arguing, though I could tell he was still carrying the same concern for me he had been since I’d left Pittsburgh. He hadn’t mentioned it again, but he wasn’t going to let it go. He was worried about me, noticing that I wasn’t quite myself. But that was something I would worry about when I got home and not until then.

I had plenty of other things on my mind as I settled in to sleep in my childhood bed one last time before returning home.