The Day You Fell Apart

I slowly placed the last flower in the vase that was placed on the center of my kitchen table and stepped back to make sure it was in perfect place. It was Friday night, and for some reason, I made a ‘romantic dinner’ for Evan. I know that’s a little stupid for only a sophomore in high school to do, but I thought it’d be fun. Evan was always the romantic type, so I knew he’d be excited about this.

I backed up again and titled my head to the side to study my creation more. I was so excited to see his face when he saw that I did this. As far as he knew, he was just coming over for a late night movie.

Suddenly, my doorbell rang and I eagerly rushed towards my front door. I swung it open to see Evan’s beautiful face. He leaned in and kissed me on the lips before stepping inside.

“I have a surprise for you!” I yelped while walking towards the dining room. I looked behind me to see that Evan was still standing in the doorway. “Why aren’t you coming in?” I asked.

“Jill,” Evan began.

“What is it?” I asked.

“You have to promise not to be mad when I tell you,” Evan responded. I walked back over towards him and raised an eyebrow.

“What is it?” I repeated.

“Well, okay, Katie is at Jimmy Paulson’s party. She just called me and asked me to pick her up and take her home because everyone else there is pretty wasted too. She’s not feeling good and she just really needs me to pick her up. I’ll drop her off and come right back, I promise,” Evan replied and bit his lip.

I felt my heart sink in my chest. Katie and Evan have been hanging out a lot lately. To the point where he was hanging out with her more than he was me, and to be honest, it was getting extremely irritating.

“She… she can’t find another ride home?” I asked.

“No, she can’t,” Evan responded. “Jillie, I’m so sorry; I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“Didn’t you say that last time when you ditched me to go get her a birthday present? Or the time before that when you said you couldn’t come over because you had to go over to her house to work on a project?” I asked angrily. This was just all too much for me to handle. It’s like all the emotions in me were bubbling over and soon enough they were going to explode. I was so sick of him seeing her all the time. I was so sick of being his number two, when I was his girlfriend. This is just not how it was supposed to be. I hated her.

“Jill,” Evan began.

“Don’t ‘Jill’ me Evan!” I yelled. “I know I’ve been trying my best to be okay with you hanging out with her and I’ve been trying to not be the ‘lame jealous girlfriend’, but this is all just getting ridiculous! I’m so tired of you choosing her over me! I understand that she needs your help right now, but I just can’t take this anymore.”

“You know she’s just a friend, Jillianne,” Evan replied. “You know that I’m in love with you and no one else. You know you mean a million times more to me than she does.”

“If that was true, then you’d stay here with me,” I defended sternly. I knew I was being selfish and whiny, but I just couldn’t help myself. My whole body felt like it was on fire. I never thought I could be any angrier. I wasn’t the type to be an angry person; I always thought somewhat rationally about things and always made sure that I saw from the other person’s perspective. But right now, I couldn’t. All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs.

“She’s my friend. I can’t just leave her there,” Evan retorted.

“Fine, just go,” I muttered.

“Jill, please, don’t-“

“Just go!” I yelled. Evan closed his eyes before taking a deep breath. He tried to lean down and kiss me, but I turned my face, so he just kissed my cheek instead.

“I’ll be back soon. I promise," He whispered into my ear. "I love you." I just looked down at the floor as he opened my front door and left.

I walked back towards my dining room, leaned over the table and blew out the large candle that I had lit.

“So much for the romantic dinner,” I mumbled.
_________________________________________________________________________

“Jill. Jill!”

I lifted my head up from my book that I was reading, and not reading at the same time, to see Dee’s face. I was sitting on her bed, reading some random book she had on her shelf as she talked on the phone with her new loverboy, Brad. But now, seeing that she was basically right all up in my face, she was probably finished.

“Sorry, what’s going on?” I asked.

“I’ve been trying to get your attention for like 5 minutes. You still haven’t told me about what happened between you and Jonah,” She replied. “You just showed up here and didn’t say a word.”

“There’s not much to say,” I responded with a little shrug.

“Oh, stop trying to be all vague,” Dee said while sitting on her bed. All I had to do was smile before she squealed loudly and wrapped her arms around me. “Jill, this is like, a huge thing.” She remarked.

“What is?” I asked which just made Dee frown.

“I saw him kiss you at the bonfire,” Dee replied. “And I saw you pull away. I know that Jonah isn’t Evan, Jill, but he obviously cares for you. And I really think that this will be a good thing for you. When you told me you were going to take him back to his house, and when you never came back… I just suspected…”

“We didn’t have sex,” I interjected. Dee nodded slowly as if saying ‘Sure…’ but I just slapped her shoulder and she grinned.

“I know,” She replied. “But I know something happened. And you don’t have to tell me, but I just know. Just don’t over-think everything. I think you should live in the moment.”

I closed my eyes and leaned my head backwards on the headboard. She was probably right. Jonah kissed me again this morning, but this time I didn’t pull away, mainly because I didn’t want to, but partly because I knew that he just wasn’t going to give up. The first time he did, I ran away, the second time, I pulled away, but he still didn’t give up. I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t like the fact of being turned down, or if it was because he actually cared about me in some way. And to be honest, I didn’t really know which one to believe. Was I someone he just wanted to conquer? Or someone that he actually wanted and cared for?

It was weird, feeling like this about another person. I didn’t think I could ever do that after Evan. I never wanted to. But when I was kissing Jonah, everything felt so right, and I felt like I could be the old Jill again. Although in the back of my mind, I felt guilty for doing it, I just didn’t want to stop. A guy hasn’t even really looked my way before Jonah, because everyone in this town knew what happened, so they didn’t even want to try with me I guess. But what sucked the worst was having all of those guys ignore me like I was some plague. It just made me shut myself in my house even longer. It made me feel uglier, and it made me feel like dying, because that way, I would be with Evan, the only boy that didn’t think I was repulsive.

Every day I would wish I would get out of this town and just start all over. Where no one associated me with ‘golden boy’ Evan. The tall and handsome boy who played every sport imaginable and had a 4.2 GPA. The boy whom my parents practically adored. And the boy who would drop his plans to help everyone else, which obviously didn’t work in my favor sometimes.

As much as I loved Evan, it was kind of hard to live up to him sometimes. I was always kind of known as Evan Calum’s girlfriend.

We had met the first day of sophomore year. I knew about him, and I had definitely heard about him, but I never really got up the nerve to talk to him. I was walking forward and he opened his locker door and totally hit me in the face. He apologized, and asked me out in the same sentence.

It was kind of funny now that I think of it. If it wasn’t for that one certain moment, I don’t think we would have ever said more than two words to one another. And if it wasn’t for me letting him go pick up Katie at that stupid party, his life wouldn’t have ended as quickly as it did.

“I’ll be back,” I mumbled to Dee while getting up off of her bed. I grabbed one of her sweatshirts from her closet and threw it over the same shirt I have been wearing since last night.

“Where are you going?” Dee asked.

“Hmm, I don’t really know. A walk I guess,” I replied. Dee just shook her head at me while smiling as I walked down her stairs and out of her house.

I stuffed my hands in my jean pockets and walked towards my house. Dee always lived only a block away from me, and I think that’s mainly how we became friends. I guess the whole neighborhood thought it’d be a ‘totally cool idea!’ to have some random block party when we were both 5 years old. Kids ran around with paint on their faces and balloons in their hands, and I was basically scared out of my mind. I wasn’t much of a social girl when I was young. I’d cry when my mom would drop me off for preschool, thinking that’d she’d just forget about me and never come back, even though she always did. One time, in 1st grade, a boy named Oliver Redding tried to be my friend by handing me some clay, and I screamed at him, thinking he was going to throw it at my face.

He didn’t really want to be my friend after that.

But luckily, Dee and her mom approached my mom and I at the block party, and after that, Dee was always my friend. She was always there for me through thick and thin and vice-versa, and we both vowed that no matter what, it would stay that way forever.

I quickly walked up my driveway and just hopped into my car. I wasn’t really ready to come home yet, and it was only about one in the afternoon. I had gotten back from Jonah’s around seven in the morning, and once I had gotten to Dee's, I just passed out on her bed.

I started my car and began driving through my suburban neighborhood. I grunted at the fact that every single house looked alike and every family seemed to look alike. It was awfully boring.

I finally entered a neighborhood which made me smile, as lame as that sounds. It was Jonah’s. All the houses were quaint and unique and it seemed like all of the people here were too. I saw a very old lady walking down the street with her dog, which was a Great Dane. Keep in mind that this lady is probably about 80 years old. It was just funny that she'd own a dog that was basically as big as she was.

I pulled into Jonah’s driveway, got out of my car and slowly walked up towards his house. I didn’t really know why I was coming to see him, because I basically just did a few hours ago. But I didn’t really care.

My knuckles made contact with the door as I knocked a few times. Apparently, his doorbell was broken and had a paper over it reading ‘Don’t even try to press this. We’re not going to hear you.’

After knocking a few more times, the door swung open and I was facing a girl who looked in her 20's with long dark brown hair that was perfectly straight. She was wearing a loose button up shirt and a pair of shorts and she had a very distinct lip ring on her lower left lip. It looked like she was just wearing her boyfriend’s clothes around the house. She looked at me confusedly while I just kind of stood there awkwardly. I raised my hand into a little wave before shifting on my feet uncomfortably.

“Hi,” She said. “Can I help you?”

“Oh, I’m just here for Jonah,” I replied. The girl nodded her head slowly before biting down on her lip ring.

“Oh okay. I think he’s sleeping, but I’ll wake him up for you. Who are you by the way?” She asked.

“Jillianne Montgomery,” I stated. Her eyes widened a little before she cleared her throat and tapped her fingers against the door frame.

“Jillianne Montgomery?” She croaked, like my name was some kind of omen.

“Yes…” I replied cautiously. I was a little confused at why she’d be so shocked to hear my name. I’ve never seen this girl before, why was it that she seemed like she knew who I was? Had Jonah mentioned me or something?

“Oh, sorry. I just... I really like your name,” She replied and smiled. She opened the door wider, letting me inside the house. I stopped in the doorway and faced her as she stuck her hand out to shake mine.

“I’m Helga,” She stated while shaking my hand. “I know, hideous name, right? Everyone just calls me Heidi instead.”

I laughed and nodded while she raised up her finger in a ‘one second’ gesture and ran towards Jonah’s room. I leaned against a wall and heard Heidi scream ‘Get the fuck up!’.

I heard some shuffling and quiet conversing before Jonah appeared in the hallway while rubbing his eyes. He was only wearing sweatpants, but I definitely wasn’t complaining.

“Well I wasn’t expecting this visit,” Jonah stated with a small smile on his face.

“Yeah, I’m full of surprises,” I replied. Jonah grinned before leaning down and kissing my forehead. He stepped back and I just stood there and stared at his chest and stomach like some creepy girl. But I couldn’t really help it. He was really built, but not overly built. It was like a happy medium. He had such a perfect body, that staring was just inevitable.

“Stop trying to have sex with me with your mind,” Jonah remarked. “I’ll be right back.”

My mouth was left slightly open as he smirked and walked back towards his room. He came back out wearing a white T-shirt, black jeans and some random pair of huge bright Nike shoes which I immediately laughed at..

“So are you trying to be ‘ballin’?” I asked motioning towards his shoes.

“Pshh, why try when you already are?” He replied. I laughed while he grabbed my hand and led me out of his front door. We started walking along his block before we decided to randomly lie down in someone’s front lawn. “Why did you come back to see me?” He asked while I shrugged and looked up at the sky. Clouds were basically everywhere, but it was ridiculously humid outside.

“What am I to you?” I asked randomly. Jonah turned on his side to face me, but I stayed on my back, looking at the sky.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, what am I to you? Am I just someone you want to conquer because I turned you down? Or am I actually someone you somewhat care about? Because this is hard for me. Really really hard. And I don’t want to get screwed over by some boy that I let my guard down to. I’ve seen the way you talk to other girls, and I just don’t want to be like those other girls. I want to be different. I don’t want to get hurt."

I spilled that all out before I could even take a breath. I honestly wasn’t expecting to say it, I was mainly thinking it. I bit my lip before finally turning to look at Jonah who looked like he was somewhat deep in thought. He just stared at me for a few moments, which made me feel really uneasy. I felt so small just then. I let out my true thoughts to someone that I basically know nothing about. I was so vulnerable.

“You know I wouldn’t do that to you,” Jonah finally said. “I know that I’m totally going to sound cheesy right now, but whatever. When I first saw you watching me at the senior ditch day party, I really wanted to come over and talk to you. I was actually planning on it, and was in the process of walking towards you, before I chickened out and started talking to some random people that I didn’t even know. Just seeing you there, so unhappy yet so beautiful, it just made me really nervous. I’m not really a guy to be nervous about meeting new people, but you were different. You are different. Although I’ve only known you for a short period of time, I really… like you. And I’d never try to purposely hurt you.”

I smiled probably the biggest smile that I ever have in my life before leaning over and placing my lips right on Jonah’s. He grabbed my waist and flipped me over to where I was lying on top of him. I laughed as he grabbed the back of my head to kiss me again.

I never really felt this way about a boy before Evan, and as much as it scared me, it made me feel great at the same time. It’s been a year since I’ve been this free and it’s been a year since I’ve been genuinely happy. And right now, nothing could break that.

But of course, like always, I was dead wrong.