The Day You Fell Apart

It was midnight and I was freezing cold. I didn’t really understand why I was cold, taken that it was a mid-summer night and it was 72 degrees outside. But I was still cold, and I was still shaking. I couldn’t sleep at all, so I was kind of aimlessly walking down my street with a chocolate chip cookie in my hand. I know that this would probably be a weird sight for someone to see. A weird gangly girl dressed in a plaid jacket, black pajama shorts and an old pair flip flops with a cookie in her hand that she wasn’t even eating. But I didn’t even care. It’s not like there was any people out here to see me anyways. They were all being normal and actually sleeping.

My feet felt kind of heavy as I picked them up and placed them back down. Usually, any teenage girl would be slightly scared walking around this late at night, but like I said, I didn’t care. I couldn’t think of anything better to do with my time. Talking to Katie two weeks ago kind of stirred me up a little. Okay, that’s an understatement, it stirred me up a lot. I kind of had a feeling that she liked Evan when he was going out with me, but I didn’t know that she was in love with him. I kind of just thought that the only reason she was all over him all the time was because she wanted to steal him away from me.

It’s always so hard to have your one opinion on someone for such a long time, only to hear their side of the story. I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know how to handle actually… understanding how she felt. I wasn’t the nicest person to her, and she was always nice and would say ‘hi’ to me whenever she'd see me. At school, I’d give her dirty looks mainly because I convinced myself that she was out to get me, when she was merely just in love with my boyfriend and didn’t know how to handle it. You can’t control who you love. And even if you try, you’ll just end up feeling hostile and lonely, which was how I felt right now. I’ve been pretty distant from Jonah lately, and I think both of us knew it. But lately whenever I’d see him, or whenever he’d show up at my house, I’d start to feel nervous and panicky. My body would get cold, or hot, but never a normal temperature and my throat would kind of close up. I had never been nervous around Jonah before, but I’m betting that was probably because I hadn’t professed my feelings for him yet. So I could at least convince myself that I didn’t feel anything for him. But now that we both knew where each other stood, it kind of scared me.

I felt my phone buzz in my jacket pocket and the vibration against my stomach made my stomach even more antsy. I took my phone out of my pocket and flipped it open.

I know you’re not sleeping.

I felt a smile tug at my lips at Jonah’s text. Even though I was confused, and frightened, even the slightest acknowledgment from him made me feel better. It was strange.

Before I could even respond, my phone buzzed again.

Where are you?

I bit down on my lip before sitting down on the curb and pressing down my fingers to text him back.

On the corner of 5th and Orchid.

I sighed and leaned my back down on the sidewalk, knowing that it wasn’t too great of an idea to have my hair all over somewhere people walked and probably spit gum on. I sat up and placed my hood over my head and then leaned my head back down on the ground again. My phone buzzed again and I opened it up to read Jonah’s text.

You’re seriously out walking alone around the streets this late at night? You’re insane. Stay there. I’ll meet up with you.

I nodded even though Jonah obviously couldn’t even see me. I really wanted to see him, but then I didn’t at the same time. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Lately all I have been doing is just trying to point out flaws out of his and mine’s relationship. I’ve found some, many being about the fact that I barely know anything about him whatsoever. All I basically know is that he moved here later in his school year, but had already graduated. See, he could even be some genius boy who graduated early because he was amazing and just breezed through school. But of course, I don’t know, because I don’t know anything about him. Every time I would ask about anything, he’d just convert the conversation somewhere else. I knew he was hiding something from me. Or was trying to withhold as much information from me as he could, thinking that if I found out too much, I’d find out about his big secret. Although he probably doesn’t have a big secret, I can’t really think of any other reason why he’s trying to be so mysterious.

About ten minutes later, I saw two bright headlights aiming right at me, which knocked me out of my trance. The car parked on the opposite side of the street and turned off, and the lights turned off along with it. The car door opened and I heard footsteps walking towards me.

“Hi,” Jonah said. I sat up and looked at him as he continued to stand there awkwardly. I felt like I wanted to cry. This was all my fault. I was screwing up our relationship for reasons that I didn’t even know why. I was straying away from him, for complete reasons unknown. I didn’t know why I was doing this, but I knew that it felt like something I had to do. I wanted to push away before I got too close, I guess. But I also didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want him to disappear from my life like Evan did.

I stood up and was soon looking up at him. His messy dark brown hair was hanging around his face and his beautiful brown eyes looked back down at me. We both stood there, in silence, until I reached out and wrapped my arms around him like I would never be able to again. He immediately embraced me back as I rested the side of my head against his chest. He smelled amazing.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled in his chest. Jonah let go of me and I stepped back, but kept my eyes on the ground. Jonah grabbed my chin and made me look up at him, which I didn’t really want to do because it made me want to just jump his bones right then and there. But I knew that no matter what, I couldn’t get too close to him. It was like my whole body just wasn’t letting me. It was such a horrible feeling.

Once again, it was quiet. I could hear crickets chirping and cars bristling by on the freeway that was close to where we were. I could also hear my somewhat shallow breathing as both of us just stared at one another.

“I love you,” Jonah finally said and I felt my feet get limp. I wanted to fall all the ground, mold myself into it and disappear. I wanted to just disintegrate and have Jonah find a better girlfriend who wouldn’t be thinking these continually stupid thoughts. I wanted him to be happy. And I wanted to tell him I loved him too, because I knew I did, so much. But I couldn’t. I feel like my body had kind of taken captive of everything I do. I haven’t cried in over a year. I’ve been sad, and I have been depressed, but I have never cried. I’ve wanted to, but I just haven’t. It’s the worst feeling having all of your thoughts and feelings harbored inside of you without any outlets.

Instead of saying anything, I just stood up on my toes and kissed Jonah hard on the lips. He grabbed my back and pulled me closer to him to where our bodies seemed to mold together. He picked me up and my legs wrapped around his waist as he led me back to his car. I pulled away and rested my head on his shoulder before he opened his passenger door of his ghetto Mustang and placed me inside. I rested my head against the window as he opened the driver side door and got in himself. He reached over me and pulled on my seatbelt. He clicked it in and then sat back down in his seat.

I didn’t know where we were going and I didn’t really mind, as long as I was with him. It was so hard to know that you love someone, but be too inhibited to say it. I wanted to lean over, shake his shoulders violently and scream ‘I love you, I love you, I love you!’. But I didn’t. I just stayed in my seat as the hums of soft music played over the radio.

The car came to a stop and I finally looked up and felt my heart sink in my chest once I realized where we were.

Warnerstone Cemetery.

I widened my eyes and looked at Jonah who’s eyes were fixated on the steering wheel.

“W-why are we here?” I asked.

“The cemetery is closed, but there’s an opening in the gate right over there. I used to come here with my friends when I first moved here,” Jonah remarked. He finally stopped staring at the steering wheel and stared at me. “I want you to go.”

I shook my head from side to side violently. “No,” I said sternly.

“I don’t want to be like that stupid Lindsey Clayborn girl you hate, but I also don’t want to sit here and watch my girlfriend wither away in front of my eyes. This is what you need to do. And I’m not leaving until you do it,” Jonah replied firmly. He looked so serious, and so sexy, which almost made me want to smile even though I knew that it’d be totally wrong in this situation. So instead, I frowned. “Go.” Jonah repeated. I bit down on my lip again and opened the door to get out. I saw the gate he was talking about right by me as I entered through it and walked through the cemetery. I knew where Evan’s grave was, how could I forget? That day I put the rose on his casket was a day that as many times I’d love to forget, I couldn’t. It was like the horribleness of that day remained imprinted in my mind forever.

I finally saw Evan’s grave and almost felt like I was going to throw up. My palms got sweaty, but I wiped them on my jacket and proceeded to walk towards it. On a huge stone it read:

‘R.I.P. Evan Calum. A beloved son, student, and friend. You’ll always be in our hearts.’

I fell down on my knees and traced the tombstone with my fingers.
_______________________________________________________________________

I heard my bedroom door creak open and saw my mother come inside. I was on my bed, hugging my pillow while crying. Evan never came back from picking up Katie from that stupid party. He never even called to say that he wasn’t coming back over. And I knew right then and there that he chose Katie over me. She probably coaxed him into having sex with her, and he just couldn’t resist. She probably said something along the lines of ‘Come on, baby, Jill won't know. It can be our little secret’. Just the thought of that made me want to cry even harder.

He doesn’t love me.

“Jillianne,” My mother croaked. I looked over at her and then back down at my feet. I wanted her to go away. “Jillianne, I need you to listen to me.”

“What?” I snapped back.

“Evan… he… he got in an accident,” My mother said quietly. I finally stopped looking down and glanced up my mother’s face. Now it was her turn to refuse to look at me, for her eyes were looking at the ground.

“What kind of accident?” I asked. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, and I felt couldn’t swallow even if I tried.

“Jill, he... passed away,” My mom replied. I just shook my head and pressed my lips into a sharp straight line.

“Is this your idea as a joke, mom?” I asked angrily.

“Jill, I’m not joking. He was at that party. He got intoxicated and… and somehow stumbled across Jimmy Paulson’s balcony. He was leaning over it, and, he landed on his head.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” I replied. “Mom, people don’t die like that. That stupid stuff doesn’t happen. Evan wouldn’t do something like that. Evan is cautious. He would never do something like that! He knew he was supposed to come back! He would never drink!” I was on the brink of yelling now and my mom came over and wrapped her arms around me.

“I’m so sorry, Jill,” She stated with tears down her face. Right then and there, I knew she wasn’t joking, and I knew that my boyfriend had died from something that he would have never done. Right then and there, I knew that I’d never be the same.

All I could do was just collapse on the floor and cry for what seemed to be the last time.
_______________________________________________________________________

“Hi, Evan,” I mumbled while resting my hands on my upper legs. I was sitting with my feet under me, and was leaning forward. “I know that you’re probably disappointed in me for not visiting you before. Even Dee has visited you. I just couldn’t bring up the nerve to be able to say anything. I was afraid. And if it wasn’t for a certain someone bringing me here tonight, I don’t think I would ever have come. I… I miss you so much, Evan. More than you can ever even imagine. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. And that I don’t think of your smile, and your laugh, and your ability to be so caring, which didn’t always work in my favor. I know that everyone says I shouldn’t, but I blame myself for what happened. It was me who let you go. I let you go to that party. I basically let you fall. I should have been the one that fell. But instead, you did. You didn’t deserve what happened to you. You were such an amazing person, and for someone that amazing to leave, is just horrible and unfair. I hate that the last words I said to you were words out of anger. And I hate that I was thinking horrible thoughts about you the night of your death. I don't even know the extents on what happened. They all kept it from me like I was some child, like I couldn't handle it. I still don't even know what happened. But what I do know is that I loved you so much. And I still do."

I couldn’t say anything else, because I was interrupted with a tear that fell down my face.

For the first time in over a year, I was crying.

“Your tombstone says that you’ll always be in everyone’s hearts,” I said while leaning over and letting out a quiet sob. My voice was quiet now, and came in the form of high pitched squeaking. “But I want you to know, that you’ll be in mine the most. I love you, Evan."

I stood up and looked down at Evan’s grave and then did something I didn't expect I would do. I smiled.

I think visiting him was what I needed. I needed for him to know that I was sorry. That I loved him, and that I missed him. I needed him to know that no matter what, I'll always remember him and I'll always cherish all of the moments we had together.

As I walked back to Jonah’s car with salty tears still falling down my face, I realized, that it was finally time to move on.