The Day You Fell Apart

I slowly stepped towards the edge of a large cliff and looked down to see the waves crashing below me. I knew that if I were to lose my balance, I’d fall. I’d fall into the rocks that the waves were thrusting themselves off of. I’d die. But somehow this meant nothing to me. I could just step off and for some odd and condescending reason, I didn’t feel fear. I didn’t feel anxiety. I just didn’t feel.

“Jillianne.”

I turned around and saw Evan walking towards me slowly. His shaggy dirty blonde hair was weirdly intact. And an infuriating glare was set upon his face, and it was motioned towards me. A glare of hatred that was rarely ever seen on the ‘golden boy’ Evan.

“Evan?!” I asked enthusiastically and ran up to him to envelop him into a hug. I couldn't believe it. He was here. He was back with me. But as I tried to wrap my arms around him, Evan shook his head and took a step back while I just stared at him in bewilderment.

“I fell, Jill,” He stated.

“W-What?” I asked.

“You made me fall. You caused all of this to happen to me,” He replied.

Every word he spoke made my heart pang. Tears slowly ran down my face as I tried to take another step forward but Evan just shook his head.

“Jump,” He retorted angrily while stepping close to me. I took a step back while he just continued to step forward until I was once again at the edge of the cliff. “It’s your turn now, it's what you deserve. You’re worthless to me now. Now jump.” He repeated. I shook my head, but didn’t repudiate. I closed my eyes and leaned my body backwards, all while screaming out ‘I’m sorry.’

I woke up in an extreme state of panic and gross sweat was all over my body. I didn’t even have time to react because Dee was standing right by me with her hands firmly on my shoulders.

“What the hell was that!?” She shouted while I just whimpered a little and tried my best to calm down.

“I... I- bad dream, nightmare,” I stuttered. Dee nodded her head but still looked at me a little strangely. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

“You just disappeared at school today and you weren’t answering your phone, so I just wanted to come over to make sure you were okay. I heard you screaming and I rushed up here. You looked like you were having some sort of seizure, Jill. It was scary,” She replied while sitting on my bed.

“I’m sorry,” I replied and sat up. “I guess I just had a nightmare.”

“About what?” She asked enquiringly.

“I don’t remember,” I lied. Dee just nodded her head and stood up from my bed. She walked over to my bathroom and I heard my sink turn on.

“So where did you go today?” Dee asked over the sound of water crashing into the sink.

“Jonah randomly decided to pick me up from school,” I replied. I heard the water stop and Dee ran into my room.

“No way!” She remarked delightedly.

“Dee,” I stated sternly. “No.”

Dee just laughed while pulling me out of bed.

“You two are going to get married,” She replied while I just rolled my eyes. She once again walked to my closet and threw me some clothes.

“Where are we going tonight?” I asked in monotone.

“It’s a surprise,” She replied while leaving my room.

I plopped down on my bed and took a deep, shaky breath. Why did I have that dream? It seemed like all of these memories were catching up to me. Katie is back for some unknown reason. Lindsey had to go and piss me off and now Jonah knows about what happened. Everything is just so overwhelming.

I promised myself that I would be able to control myself, because that seemed like the right thing to do. I promised myself that I’d continue to live on with my life. I’d be able to move on. Or convince myself that I have. Why was everything suddenly just coming back?

I never had a dream like this before. And it scared me.

I quickly shook my head violently and tried to convert my thoughts towards something else. I thought back on earlier today. Jonah and I just sat on the water tower in comfortable silence, while striking up random conversation. We would have stayed there longer if it wasn’t for the fact that it started to rain. We both climbed down and once again I was scared out of my mind. Not only was I hundreds of feet high, but the ladder was wet.

Yeah, not good.

But we made it down fine, and Jonah took me back to school way after it as over, where I got my car, and drove myself home.

It felt nice to just be able to relax and not have to worry about putting up a front. I didn’t have to pretend to be happy, I didn’t have to be anyone other than myself.

“Are you kidding?” I asked Dee as she led me towards a house where a mob of people were already visible. Music was blaring and I could feel vibrations under my feet. I wanted to just turn and run away, but Dee’s hand was gripped firmly on my upper arm. “What’s with you and taking me to parties?” I asked.

“Parties are fun,” Dee replied and shrugged a bit. She then grabbed my hand and pulled me into a crowded house full of people. Everyone was standing around and talking while music was blaring through the speakers. Some boys turned to look at Dee, then to me, and then back to Dee. I got kind of used to this. Having a tall, blonde, and gorgeous best friend kind of just contributed to the ‘Jill does not exist’ package. But I didn’t mind. I don’t mind, because I know that she has no idea how beautiful and charming she really is, and even if she knew, I doubt it'd change her in any way.

Dee led me to a kitchen and bit her lip as she decided what kind of drink she wanted. She ended up getting this blue looking punch which I definitely did not trust at all.

“Do you want some?” Dee asked. I shook my head and narrowed my eyes at her. Alcohol and I just don’t get along. We never will again. “Oh, I’m sorry Jill. I, I..." I just smiled the best I could and nudged her in the shoulder.

“Don’t even worry about it,” I replied. “Drink away. I’ll be the Mom tonight.” Dee smiled and took a sip but almost immediately choked on it when she saw Brad coming towards her.

“Hey, Dee,” Brad stated while giving her a look over. I just rolled my eyes and played with the ends of my hair. Dee smiled at him in return and all of a sudden I felt a strong force push me into Brad. Brad was a pretty tall and built guy, so having me fall into him didn’t really result into anything, but I definitely lost my balance. I looked behind me to see a very drunk boy with his eyes widened.

“I am so sorry!” He exclaimed. I just took a deep breath and bit my lip before turning back around to face Dee.

“I’ll be in the backyard,” I muttered. Before Dee could even protest, I was making my way through the mobs of people towards the back of the house. I got to a sliding glass door, opened it and stepped onto the back porch. Nobody seemed to be out here and it was like the atmosphere completely changed. It was way more calming, and although you could still hear the music from inside the house, it remained somewhat peaceful.

I walked over towards a somewhat wide wicker chair that was placed on the porch and sat down on it. Before I could even register any thought, the sliding door that I just came out of opened and closed and I was soon looking at Jonah who had a red cup in his hand.

“Are you stalking me?” I asked bluntly. Jonah just laughed bitterly while I narrowed my eyes at him. The sad thing is, is that I was being completely serious. This boy showed up everywhere to the point where it was just getting way to cliché. It was like he was showing up wherever I went on purpose or something.

Jonah sat down by me and rested the back of his head against the top of the chair. The chair was small and was probably not meant for two people, so his leg was pressing against the side of mine. I know that this would be a small formality and any normal person would be okay with this, but it made me feel very uncomfortable and weird. I haven’t been this close to a boy in a very long time. Even if it was just sitting down by one another.

“Stop thinking,” Jonah stated and ran his fingers through his hair. I looked over at him and gave him a questioning look before he just sighed and turned to look towards me. “You always scrunch your eyebrows and look down at your hands when you’re thinking. And since I hate not knowing what people are thinking, could you kindly stop?” He asked.

I just looked up at him confusedly before glaring and propping my knees up to rest my chin on top of them.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

“I go to a lot of parties,” Jonah replied and shrugged.

“Are you sure that you didn’t only come because you found out that I was going to be here?” I asked. Jonah let out a small chuckle while taking his gaze off of me and looking straight forward.

“Stop flattering yourself, kid. I saw you walk out and I wanted to make sure you were okay,” He replied.

“Aw, is someone concerned for my welfare?” I asked. Jonah just shrugged and glanced towards me.

“Someone has to be,” He replied.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“It means that I don’t even think you take the time to worry about yourself sometimes,” Jonah retorted.

“I don’t have anything to worry about,” I replied defensively.

“I beg to differ,” He responded. He placed his drink down on the ground of the porch, took out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.

“You don’t even know me enough to judge me like that, Jonah,” I remarked. “So I don’t really think you have the right to ‘beg to differ’.”

“I know you well enough to know that you’re running,” He replied and inhaled on his cigarette. He then blew smoke out in front of him while I continued to get more angry. Here he was, sitting here, judging me, not really caring whether or not it influenced me or not. And we just met what, a week ago? Seriously? He just remained calm and composed and it was really starting to piss me off. What happened to the nice, understanding Jonah I had spent few hours with earlier today?

“I’m not running,” I said. It was all I could really say in my defense. I didn’t like his assertive way of talking to me. He was just so uninhibited with what he did. He just didn’t care. He led me up to the water tower because he felt like it. He didn’t do it to let me get away from everything. He just picked me up from school on impulse. Not because he cared about my feelings in any way.

“Oh, but you are,” He replied while inhaling on his cigarette again. "But I understand. Why walk when you can run away, right?”

“Stop trying to psychoanalyze me, Jonah,” I remarked angrily. “And stop acting like you’ve got me all figured out.”

“I can just see pass that exterior you put on, that’s all,” Jonah stated.

“I don’t put on any exterior!” I yelled while standing up. Jonah just looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. “And don’t try to act like you’re some open book, ass hole.” I added. “You haven’t told me one thing about you since we’ve met and all I’ve seen you do is sit here and act all ‘cool’ and ‘collected’, like nothing bothers you. I don’t know if it’s because nothing actually bothers you, or if it’s because you just have nothing to be affected by. You don’t have any hopes and dreams. You have nothing to worry about besides upholding your stupid little image.”

I felt my stomach drop when I saw the look on Jonah’s face. It was a look of pure fury. He stood up now and even though he was probably about 6 feet tall, I felt like he was towering over me.

“I advise you to realize how much of a hypocrite you are, Jillianne,” He remarked while taking another drag of his cigarette. He was polite enough to blow it to the side, away from my face, but his jaw was still clenched. “Don’t tell me not to judge you when you just judged me yourself.”

Before I could say anything else, Jonah was already walking back inside the house.

I collapsed back on the chair and placed my head in my hands.

As much as I hated what he was saying to me, I had to admit he was right.

I was running. Running away from something that I was too afraid to confront. And I had a feeling that it was going to catch up with me sooner than expected.