You're Still the One

“Dad, you can't be serious.” I responded as I paced our living room floor. My father had just informed me that the Armstrong's would be coming over for dinner at the end of the week, to celebrate Billie's return home. I couldn't believe this. They acted as if he was the prodigal son. He turned towards my mother and commented.

“I thought they were friends?” Friends? Where has my dad been the last year? Mom glanced at me and back at dad.

“It's a little more complicated than that.” She attempted a smile. I couldn't believe my parents right now, dad obviously ignored the fact that Billie and I dated for nearly a year, and mom played off what happened between us as a little 'complicated.' Dad leaned back on the couch and replied,

“ I always liked that kid.”

I wanted to smack him at this point, of course he liked Billie after the fact that he dumped me and tore my heart out. I glared at him. He raised his eyebrows and said,

“What?” I rolled my eyes and scoffed a quick nothing and trudged back up to my room.

~ *** ~

I gazed down at the box I held in front of me. It was colored blue with Billie and mine's handwriting all over it. We had written short notes to each other throughout the course of our entire dating relationship. I traced over his words and silently read, I'm a basket case without you. I smiled a little and I turned the box around and saw where I had written, I love you, Basket Case. I set the box down in front of me and rubbed my hands over my thighs out of nervous habit. I hadn't thought of this box since Billie left, it had been a while since I even looked at it let alone open it. I took a deep breath and removed the top of the box. Memories danced through my mind as I looked through it. I found concert tickets, movie stubs, love notes, and Billie's guitar pick. I combed through it until I found a photo of the two of us. It was taken last summer in his backyard, Billie had his head pressed to mine, his eyes were closed and I was looking down at the ground. We didn't even know his mom had taken the picture until she had them developed and gave me a copy. I traced my finger over his face. For the first time that day I felt like crying. I missed what we had, no matter how many times I told myself to get over him I never could. I loved him and still do. I hated the fact that he was with someone else. I was jealous of her. Jealous that she was getting what used to be my hugs, my kisses, and my Billie. I closed the box, but kept the picture. I laid across my bed with a sigh. Billie always knew the right thing to say when I felt like this, even on the night we broke up, he made it feel as if my world wasn't ending. That night still haunted me like a bad dream and I quickly pushed it out of my mind. I turned on my side, reached toward my bedside table, and carefully balanced the picture against my lamp. It was the last thing I saw before I drifted to sleep.

~ *** ~

Friday came all too quickly, what I had been dreading had finally come. I wanted to see Billie out of curiosity, but what I didn't want to see was the girl I had seen in his driveway. I hated to even think of them together, I didn't need them in my own house. How could my parents do this to me? Putting me through this torture must be some kind of punishment. Of all people my mom should have known not to do this. When I didn't leave my bedroom for a solid week after he left, she all but had to drag me out of my room and smack some sense into me. As for my dad, he was busy trying to get me to change my “attitude.” Telling me that I shouldn't act this way around Billie or his family, that they've been good to our family and that I should be grateful to have neighbors like them. Grateful? I scoffed. He doesn't have to eat with his ex boyfriend tonight. I bit my nail hard when I heard the sound of footsteps on our front porch. They were here. I remained in the living room while my parents greeted our guests. I heard my father comment on Billie's blue hair and my mother introducing herself to Billie's new friend. That's when I heard it. His voice. I hadn't heard Billie's voice in so long I had forgotten how much I missed it. I felt a twinge of panic as I made my way to the new crowd of people in our foyer. The chattering stopped the minute I stepped into the room. Billie moved his gaze from my father to me, his green eyes piercing through mine. It felt as if the room was frozen and we were the only two in it. The familiar melody from my previous flashback started playing and it took all I had to peel my eyes away from his and look pathetically down at the floor. I caught a glimpse of the girl he had been holding hands with earlier this week, who I heard introduce herself as Adrienne. I had to admit she was pretty, beautiful even. That's when the awful truth sets in... she was my replacement.

~ *** ~

Eventually, we all made our way to the dining room after some very awkward small talk and by an awful twist of fate, Billie ended up sitting directly in front of me. I stole little glances at him while we ate and eventually I lost my appetite all together. I nibbled at my food and pushed it around enough to make it look like I actually ate. Dinner was close to being over when my dad decided to talk to Billie. Big mistake . At first they talked about Green Day and how his tour went, then he asked him about Adrienne and it was confirmed that she was his girlfriend. That's when he did it. It was like slow motion, and he said it before I could stop him.

“So Billie, Jules tells me you two were a thing a while back.” He said it so nonchalantly it was as if he were talking about the recent Oakland A’s game on TV. If looks could kill, my dad's head would be on his plate right now. I couldn't believe the man that thought Billie and I were only friends had just asked that. I wanted to crawl under the table and die. My face felt hot and I'm almost positive it was the color of the spaghetti sauce I had just forced down. I heard Billie clear his throat and awkwardly choke out.

“ Um, yeah, we were.” I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. That this was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. My own father had single-handedly turned this into the most awkward night of my life. I kept my eyes on my plate the remainder of the dinner. I felt Billie's gaze on me as I stood up to take my plate into the kitchen. I so desperately wanted this night to end so I could go to bed and try to forget this ever happened. I was about to turn away from the kitchen counter when Billie made his way to the counter with his own plate. He reached over me and sat his plate next to mine. He smiled at me and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, something he always did when he was nervous. I was about to walk out of the room when he said,

"It's good to see you, Jules.” The numbness was back and I had to fight to keep down what little dinner I had eaten tonight. I put on my best smile and fought back tears as I turned and left the kitchen. Billie Joe Armstrong was not going to see me cry over him in my own house. Not again.

~***~

Eight months earlier. (October 1990)

“Billie? What are you doing here?” It was close to midnight and Billie had gone home maybe two hours before. Why was he back? He climbed through my window and shuffled towards my bed. I rolled my eyes while saying,

“Billie, I'm too tired for sex tonight.” He shook his head and gazed up at me.

“That's not why I'm here, Julia.” I froze. He only called me Julia when he was dead serious or mad at me. I was always Jules or babe. I sat down next to him and crossed my legs underneath me.

“Billie what's wrong?” He put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Lookout Records called today about making an album.” He confessed. My eyes widened and I grabbed his hand in excitement.

“Billie are you serious!?” He nodded and continued looking at my bedspread. I tilted my head to look at him and replied.

“Then what's the problem? This is great news.” After a few seconds of silence, he finally looked up and spoke.

“Jules, he told me we'd be leaving to go on tour right after the record is finished. We'd be gone almost a year.” I sat back against my headboard and let what he had just told me sink in. What would this mean for our relationship? I waited for him to say something, but he never did. I looked at him, and bit my lip before asking the question I really didn't want the answer to.

“What does this mean for us?” I squeaked out. He finally looked up and said the words that sent my world crashing down.

“I think we should take a break.” My heart stopped and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

“What do you mean?” I asked softly. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. He let out a loud sigh and ran his hand through his hair.

“Babe, you know that I love you more than anything, but it wouldn't be fair for either of us if I'm gone and you're here.”

Tears were threatening to fall as I spoke. “I'll go with you.” I whispered. He leaned over and wiped away a tear that had escaped.

“Jules, you have to graduate. I want you to be able to make something of yourself because you're one of the smartest people I've ever met. Don't let this town concur you, show anybody that ever doubted you that you’re worth something, because I know you are.” I dropped my head down and started to cry. I felt the bed shift and Billie wrap his arms around me.

“I love you, Jules. I always will, never ever forget that.” He held me a little tighter as he continued. "Promise me, you'll never forget that. Please." He whispered in my ear. I laid my head on his shoulder and choked out, “I promise” as he rocked us both comfortingly. I felt warm wet drops on my shoulder and realized he was crying too. We remained like that for what felt like hours and when we parted, he tilted his head down and put his lips on mine for what would be the final time.

***End of Flashback***