I Can Feel You in My Bones

It’s been months since I’ve spoken to anyone in Escape the Fate. I think they’ve been done with me for a while now.

I know that technically I could call, but I don’t want to make the first move; just in case they actually don’t want to talk to me. They are famous after all.

I’ve decided I’m staying put in the US, at least for now, been living with my brother the whole time, which is nice; I do enjoy seeing Trevor.

The problem he’s living situation isn’t designed to support two people for the long term. I can’t help but feel I am getting in his way sometimes. I do have a visa to work in this country now, but finding a job is not as easy as you might think. I’m starting to get pretty bored. I know that I have no right be complaining but after being on tour for a while this just isn’t cutting it anymore.

I don’t think the tour is what I miss. Losing your clothes, sleeping in those tiny bunks, eating badly, living in uncomfortably close quarters and driving all the time: it leaves a lot to be desired. It’s the people that I miss; mostly Craig and even more so TJ.

I haven’t had any contact with TJ.

I’m not even sure where I stand with TJ. I still have a major crush on him, in fact at this point crush probably isn’t even the word anymore. I think about him all the time; it’s been getting worse the longer I stay away from him.

I don’t know what to do. The guy keeps going hot and cold on me, he doesn’t know what he wants. There’s not really much I can do about it.

I wish Trevor was home, then I wouldn’t be left alone with my thoughts like this. He’s at work; he won’t be back for a good few hours. I have to apartment to myself.

I don’t like being alone like this, it leaves me with nothing to do but contemplate stuff for hours. It’s tiring. I don’t know what to do. Daytime TV sucks, Trevor's place is nice but it's small and I don't really have anywhere else to go.

I finally decide to pull myself up from the bed, where I’ve been lying for god knows how long.

I wish I had a hobby or something. Maybe I should take up painting. Except I can’t paint, and I’m broke. I really need to find a job.

It doesn’t take long for my thoughts to somehow return to TJ. Jesus Christ.

At least I’ve moved. Now I’m in the kitchen, leaning against the counter.

This is no less boring.

There's a knock at the door.

Thank god. At least that gives me something to do.

I slowly wander from the kitchen to the door and swing it open.

My heart skips a beat.

The shock must show on my face because TJ smiles a little, before dropping eye contact. We both remain silent for a while.

I try to come up with something to say but nothing comes out.

“I used to be in that band,” TJ mumbles awkwardly, pointing at my Motionless In White shirt.

I take a quick breath in an effort to collect myself. “Uh, yeah I know,” I mutter, finally dropping my hand from the doorhandle. “Um, do you, like, wanna come in, or something?” It’s far from eloquent but it was a full sentence.

TJ nods and I move aside to let him through.

“I didn’t mean to surprise you but ahead calling seemed weird somehow,” he says behind me, as I close the door after him.

“It’s fine.” I turn to face him again. He looks the same, maybe a little less rough around the edges. The tour must have been over for a few weeks now so he’s probably been at home.

“I did mean to call or whatever at some point, I don’t know…” he trails off.

“Same.”

“Well, I’m here now,” TJ says, switching to a more light-hearted tone. “So, are you gonna offer me something to drink or what?”