Restless Insomniacs

My hands are shaking, like really shaking and I wish I had something else to blame it on but I don’t. I can’t pretend I didn’t just hear what I heard, and I can’t pretend it’s not real, but god I want to. I want to crawl into a hole and never surface and that seems wonderfully fantastic, like the perfect solution to all my troubles but I know it’s not. My mother hung up the phone as soon as she said goodbye but I can still see her caller ID on my phone reminding me that she is awful and wrong and that I hate her more than I could ever love her. And that speaks volumes to our shattered relationship, I consider calling her back and yelling at her until she hears me but I can’t, she has made her choice and my words will never change a thing.

My dad always cared about what I had to say my mother is not the same and I find myself wishing my mother had died rather than my father because he would never hurt me like my mother does, he would never consider it. He loved me and appreciated me, he was wonderful and perfect and loving everything my mother isn’t and god I wish she were the one who died.

A knock at my window sends my heart into my throat, for a second, a pure millisecond I think it is my dad and I think he is back to save me, I am beyond disappointed when I see Yale staring at me. I slowly make my way to the window trying not to appear disappointed because I think I might be in love with Yale, real love, and I don’t for a second want him to think I don’t care because I do… so fucking much.

“People usually use the front door” I say quickly wiping under my eyes in case any tears have slipped out, they haven’t and I am beyond grateful because if Yale asks and I am going to tell him the truth and that terrifies a habitual liar like me.

“I’m not most people” He says with this smirk and I think I forget all my sadness for a minute and it’s wonderful, and if it’s possible I love Yale more for making me feel that way even if it only lasted a minute. “You excited?” Yale asks and it takes me a minute to remember I’m not sure whether to blame that smirk or my sadness. It takes me a minute to remember that as soon as I told Yale my mother was going out of town last week he had told me I was throwing a small get together to meet all his friends and I remember I had felt giddy that he wanted to introduce me to his friends.

“Totally” Only it comes out flat and I know as soon as I have spoken Yale knows I am lying and I both love and hate that he knows me that well.

“Princess?” and I am trying really hard not to cry because I hate crying, it makes me feel weak and pathetic and I will always do what I can to avoid it. But right now under the warmth from Yale’s eyes I think avoiding it might be impossible, an unthinkable task and I hate that, really hate that. My dad used to tell me all the strongest people cried but I don’t think that’s true, I think the strong ones keep it all in when everything feels like it is about to burst, I think holding it in makes you strong and if that’s true than I’m the strongest person in the freaking world.

“I’m sorry” I say wiping at my eyes and pretending like I am not being slowly humiliated, but I am and it feels horrible. Yale won’t stop staring at me and I think I want to kiss him, kiss him until I feel whole and I don’t care if it takes all night, but god I wish he would look away.

“What’s wrong?”

“My mum just called” I say between a hiccup and a sniffle, “She is selling a bunch of my dad’s stuff”

“Why”

“It’s for some charity organisation for lung cancer, which is what my dad died from, but it’s like she thinks if she sells all his stuff his memory will be less potent, like his death will be less real and it’s bullshit”

“I’m sorry” Yale says but I can tell he doesn’t know what else to say and it scares me that I know him that well.

“I don’t even know why I am so upset, it’s just some old junk but he loved it” I feel like I need to explain to Yale I am not normally like this, that I am not a girl who cries but the words get lost in my throat and all I want is his lips on mine.

“I get it, it’s a part of him, a reminder that he was real and what you guys had was real, after my sister died my mum boxed up her stuff and it crushed me, I get it D” And I think he might and I feel wonderful for a second,

“I’m sorry I just cried on you” I say managing a smile because he looks so concerned.

“Princess” He says in a scolding tone with a frown, I manage another smile because he looks adorable with his eyebrows all furrowed together.

“I feel like you know so much about me and I barely know you” I don’t know why I say this out loud but a part of me wants to push Yale away with his truths and I hate that but it’s so familiar it hurts.

“Ask me anything” It’s not what I was expecting yet it kind of was at the same time, I chew on my lip as I think getting momentarily lost in Yale’s beautiful eyes.

“Did you really go to juvie?”

“I did, I got caught vandalizing my old school and was sent away for a few months, it was just before I moved her” His honesty shocks me and I feel bad for wanting to hurt him,

“You don’t still do that stuff do you?”

“I did… Until recently, I found… I found something worth changing for” Yale says this with a frown I reach out, without really thinking and stroke his furrowed eyebrows until they are smooth before dropping my hand. Yale lowers his head slightly and we are standing millimeters apart if I were to move an inch our lips and noses would touch. I want to ask if he wants to kiss me but the words are stuck in my throat, mostly because I don’t ever want Yale to stop looking at me this way, with a hint of bewilderment and excitement and something I can’t quite name. Yale moves the tiniest bit closer and reaches for my hand, his hand is warm in mine and I never want to forget how it feels to hold Yale.

“Daria” He whispers stripping me of any nicknames, he is about to say more but the doorbell rings and we jump apart as if we have been caught doing something awful and wrong.

“You should get that princess” and we are back at arms-length emotionally and physically and that makes me sad, because I want to hold Yale and kiss him until he forgets to call me stupid nicknames.

God I want to kiss him.