We're Young and in Love

But I Can't Heal The Way, I Feel About You.

Josh's P.O.V

Because of Hannah being so shy and so unfamiliar to everyone, me and Oli thought it was best to keep her by our sides at all times. We wanted Hannah to adapt to us and her new home so we agreed to keep her indoors with us until she felt ready and we limited on visitors too, within the last two months my parents have visited Hannah three times and Tom only twice. Of course mum thought we were being abit extreme and too overprotective but it was our decision which we thought was best.
Of course we got an ear full from our friends wanting to visit Hannah but were not allowed, I think Vic was offended the most. He hadn’t seen her since the baby shower two months ago, I mean we were doing it for Hannah’s best interest but at the same time I really did want Vic to come round and spend time with Hannah but I knew Oli wouldn’t be too happy about it and Vic only made it worse by saying what he did to Oli at the baby shower, so I couldn’t really do much about it.
She was just really shy and she wasn’t used to being around so many people and we just wanted to take each step slowly, allowing her to adapt to her new life with me and Oli and everyone else just had to be patient and wait till we were all ready.

Hannah was currently lying down on her baby gym matt, looking up at the dangling soft toys above her, cooing to herself.
It was warm so I was standing in between the balcony doors watching her from a few feet away. I lent my head back against one of the doors and sighed, I was beginning to get sick of being stuck inside the house all day, for the last two months its been the same old routine, I was left alone in the house with Hannah, no visitors and hardly any communication with the outside world. Oli went back to work about three weeks ago and the only time I got to see him was when he came home, but even then it wasn’t really the same, he was always tired or Hannah would kick up a fuss so we hardly got to spend much time together.

I know all this was all for Hannah’s sake but I kinda felt like I was watching the world go by without me and it started to get depressing. We both needed to get out and get some fresh air, no matter where it would be, we just needed a little civilisation. I knew it would be best for both of us, so I decided it was time to finally get out and do something.

I pick up Hannah and get her dressed in this cute little lemon coloured dress my mum had bought, it even had an adorable flower headband to go with it and when Hannah was ready, she looked so frigging cute!
I wasn’t quite sure what to do today, the weather was nice and warm so I definitely wanted to go out for a walk somewhere, I knew Oli was busy at work because he wasn’t answering his phone, when usually he’s texting or calling me non stop to see if we’re both okay. So I knew he wouldn’t be able to come along like I would have liked him too.
I grabbed my phone and take a photo of me and my adorable baby girl in her little new dress and send it to my best friend saying: “Would uncle Viccy like to come feed the ducks with us?”

This was probably the longest time I’ve gone without seeing Vic even though we’ve hadn’t even fallen out. I was dying to see him, just see a familiar face and catch up on everything I’ve been missing out on the last two months, I’m sure we have loads to catch up on.

Vic literally texted me back straight away, I chuckle at his eager reply. I quickly call Vic to make proper arrangements, he was driving home from town and said he’ll drop his car off home and meet us at the park in about half and hour.

“Let’s go visit daddy O and uncle Tom, while we wait for uncle Vic to meet us ok.” I say to Hannah as I strap her into the child’s buggy, I’m actually surprise she hasn’t caused a fuss seeing as she’s only been in it a couple of times.
The Drop Dead shop wasn’t far from our house at all, about a twenty minute walk I’d say, and the weather was far too nice to take the car or bus, so walking was fine.

When I arrive at the shop, it isn’t too busy which I’m pleased about; I didn’t want it to be too over crowded for Hannah. I see Tom sitting at the front desk, lost in whatever he was doing on the computer in front of him, as I approach closer his eyes finally meet mine and a smile spreads across his face.
“Hey Josh, what you doing here?” he says but before I can answer, his eyes fall on Hannah and he bursts with excitement.
“And look at my beautiful niece!” Tom walks around the front desk, bending down to kiss Hannah on the cheek. I chuckle at his over excited reaction to see her, I can’t blame him though, he’s only seen her three times. A couple of work colleges come over to say hello and meet Hannah as well, at first I’m nervous about Hannah’s reaction but she seems okay and I’m grateful they don’t hang about too long and get back to work before it gets too much for her.
“So how comes you’re here Josh?” Tom says, while pulling stupid faces at Hannah.
“I came to see Oli, is he around?”
“Yeah, he’s at the back, I’ll go get him.” he says, finally standing up and walking away.

About five minutes later, I see Oli walk out of the back door with Tom following behind him, he looks a little shocked to see me here and comes rushing over.

“Hey love, is everything alright?” he’s says wrapping his arms round my waist, his eyes searching for any signs of stress or hurt on my face. He then quickly looks down at Hannah in the buggy, pulling back the sun hood to check if she’s okay.
“We’re fine babe, we just popped in to say hello.”
“Oh, thank god.” He sighs in relief.
“I panicked when Tom said you were both here.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” I say, gently kissing his cheek.
“Hey Pipsqueak.” Oli says, crouching down to see her. Another nickname he has given her, I’ll be surprise if Hannah even knew her real name, seeing as she gets called everything but her actual name. She greets him with a big smile when she recognises who he is and he gives her a big kiss in return. The one good thing of being in isolation the last two months is that Hannah definitely knew we’re her parents now.

“Where you going all dressed up huh?” he coos at Hannah but indicating the question at me.
“It’s a nice day, so I thought it would be nice to go for a walk in the park and maybe feed some ducks.”
“I’d love to join you babe, but this place has been turned upside down since I’ve been gone, I really can’t leave it.” He looks up at me with an apologetic smile.
“Its okay, we can go another time together.”
“I’m sorry love.” I knew he felt bad that he couldn’t come along and I did want him to come as well but I knew the shop really needed him.
“I’ll make sure to take lots of photos for you.”
“Will you be okay in the park on your own?”
“I won’t be on my own… I’ve asked Vic to come along.” I say timidly, biting my lip.
Oli stops playing with Hannah’s hands and looks up at me, his eyebrows raise and his expression looking slightly annoyed.

“Oh?” is all he says, obviously wanting me to explain myself. I knew he wouldn’t be too happy with the idea of Vic being apart of the day, especially when Oli couldn’t be apart of it.
“Well I thought seeing as Vic hasn’t seen Hannah since the baby shower, I thought it would be nice to go out for the day and catch up.”
I knew Oli hated Vic being anywhere near Hannah, he was still pissed off over what happened at the baby shower two months ago. Well, I can’t really blame him, Vic did say some really hurtful things but Oli knows how much I want Vic to be apart of her life, so I’m hoping he won’t cause a fight over it.
“You don’t think it might be abit much for her, with Vic being there?”
“Oli, she needs to get used to other people being around her, otherwise she’ll never overcome her shyness.”
I knew he just didn’t want Vic to be involved so he was trying to find any excuse to use but I wasn’t buying it. Hannah needed to start getting used to being around other people and Vic was the next best person because she seemed to bond slightly already with him and I knew Oli hated that but tough, he just needs to deal with it.

“Fine.” He sighs in defeat; wow, i'm actually surprised that hes letting this go so lightly. He leans forwards to kiss Hannah on the forehead before standing up to face me.
“Just don’t have too much fun without me ok?”
“Of course not.” I peck Oli on the lips quickly and pull him in for a hug. I guess I owe him for allowing me and Hannah spend the day with Vic even though I knew he hated it. But I’ll make sure to take lots of photos to show him later when he comes home from work, so he won’t feel too left out.

I pull away from Oli and lean over the top of the buggy to speak to Hannah.
“Lets get going shall we sweetie, uncle Vic is probably wondering where we are.”
“Josh take Oskar with you, he’s been running round the shop like crazy.”
I smile lightly, I knew the only reason he wanted me to take Oskar with me was because he knew Oskar didn’t like Vic. And just like me and Oli, Oskar has become very protective of Hannah, so this should be interesting.

“Okay.”
I didn’t bother to argue; maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought it would be. I put Oskar on his lead, kiss my husband goodbye and make me way to the park to meet Vic.
When we get to the entrance of the park, Vic was already there waiting for us. I literally light up when I see him, there was no way I could hide the big grin on my face. He was wearing a navy vest, revealing his muscular tanned arms which his soft brown curls rest lightly on the tops of his shoulders. He was also wearing his camo shorts and vans, just everything I remember him by and without even intending to, I fling my arms around his neck and pull him into the biggest hug ever. I feel Vic’s muscular bare arms lock around me as I bury my face into his neck and inhale the familiar scent I’ve yearn for for so long. Fuck, I hadn’t realise I’d missed him this much, it felt like I haven’t seen him in years. So many different emotions were running through my mind at this moment, I have no idea why I always get like this whenever i'm away from Vic for a certain amount of time, I mean hes my best friend and I do miss him when we're apart but it still doesn't explain why I do so much...

“You missed me that much huh?” he whispers in my ear and without even looking at him I already knew he had that stupid cocky smug look on his face. I pull away from him and blush as I realise I was gripping on tight to his vest.
“Shut up.” I say, punching his shoulder in a harmful jokey way, which in return he just laughs.
He turns his attention away from me and his brown eyes falls on my daughter sitting in her buggy behind me.

“Oh wow, she’s grown so much in the last two months.”
“You think so?” I say turning around, I guess I haven’t really notice that much as I’m with her literally 24/7.
He just nods, refusing to take his eyes off of Hannah. It was as if he was hepatises by her, which doesn’t surprise me, she seems to have this effect on everyone who meets her.
Out of nowhere I begin to feel nervous, two months is a long time and I’m not sure if Hannah remembers Vic or not, he could just be another stranger to her and I wouldn’t want anything to upset her… maybe this was a bad idea.
“Does my little princess remember her uncle Vic?” he coos, crouching down to meet Hannah’s level. She smiles a little shy smile at him before burying her face into the side of the buggy. I instantly relax and smile as I see her reaction. Thank god she remembers him that could have been awkward. Vic laughs at her reaction and strokes her cheek with his fingers.
“She’s so beautiful Josh.” He says, finally pulling his gaze away from hers and looking up at me. I couldn’t help but wear the biggest smile, I was proud to call this perfect little girl mine.

Vic was far too close for far too long next to Hannah for Oskar’s liking, which led him to growl and bark at Vic to back away.
Vic jumps up in fright raising his hands, I had to pull Oskar back by the lead so he wouldn’t go for Vic.

“Oskar that’s enough!” I shout, telling him to calm down and some how make him understand that Vic means no harm to Hannah. Damn Oli for training Oskar not to like Vic, I knew this would happen.
“I see you brought the annoying mutt with you.”
“Oli insisted.”
“Of course he did.”
I just roll my eyes and start pushing the buggy into the park and head towards the ducks.

~~~

Taking Oskar off the lead was a mistake, as Oli is really the only person he really obeys. He was currently running around like crazy chasing after all the ducks, annoying other people in the park, causing Vic to shout all sorts at him but of course Oskar took no notice. I swear the two were just terrible together and Oskar wasn’t even human!

I unbuckle Hannah and pull her out of the buggy and rest her on my left hip. Despite all of the commotion going on around her, she seems to be adapting well to everything. I notice Oskar on the other side of the pond causing mischief and terrorizing another dog, I thought now was best to try and get Hannah to feed some ducks, seeing as we've been here for half an hour already and haven't even been able to have a chance because of Oskar.
“You wanna try feeding some ducks now sweetie?” I coo at her, crouching down and placing her in between my knees as I hold her in a standing up position. Her little white sandals came to the edge of the pond, we stood by the shallow end where I knew would be the safest for us to be, I wait a couple minutes to see how she reacts and she just smiles and points to a duck slowly approaching us.
Vic crouches down beside me and passes Hannah a piece of crumble bread which she just frowns and looks more than confused to what she was holding.
“Look, the duck came to see you.” Vic says, pointing to the duck, causing Hannah to look away from the bread in her hand and see the duck standing in front of her.

“He’s hungry, you want to give him the bread?”
Vic gently places his hand over hers and stretch out her little arm towards the duck, I lean her forward ever so slightly to get closer to the duck, I tighten my grip around her incase she fell but it wasn’t enough to hurt her.
The duck reaches up for the piece of bread and nibbles it out of Hannah’s hand. She squeals and looks up at me with those big confused doe eyes but I can’t help but laugh, she was just so cute.
“Good girl.” I assure her in a baby voice, encouraging her not be afraid.
“You want to do it again?” Vic asks her, handing her over another piece of bread. She smiles widely and stretches out her little arm without Vic’s help this time. When the duck was just about to take the bread from her again, Oskar comes rushing past knocking the bread out of Hannah’s hand and jumping into the pond chasing away the duck and splashing water all over us.
Hannah lets out a loud squeal and starts crying, I pick her up as I stand and wipe away the water from her face.

“Aww sweetie did Oskar scare you?” I say holding her to my chest as she continues to cry.
“Stupid mutt!” Vic shouts, pissed at Oskar for ruining the moment.
“Its okay, it’s only a little water, you’ll be fine sweetie.” Hannah clutches onto my t-shirt and sobs into my chest. I kiss her head and rock her gently, Oskar just took her by surprise that’s all, and she wasn’t used to that. When she wouldn’t quiet down I thought she was maybe fussing over nothing, I shift her in my arms slightly but that’s when I felt how heavy her nappy had become, she needed changing and she was no doubt hungry too.
Vic stood in front of me and began stroking Hannah’s back trying to help calm her down.
“Is she alright?” he asks generally concerned.
“Yeah she’s fine. I think that’s enough of the ducks for today though.”
“Shall we go get some lunch?”
“Sounds like a good idea, I need to change her too.”

With that said, Vic kindly takes hold of the buggy and pushes it away from the pond, while I walk with a sobbing Hannah in my arms and a hyperactive Oskar running circles around us, I swear I have no idea where this dog gets all this energy from.

When we get to the café on the other side of the park, Vic kindly buys us lunch while I quickly go change Hannah in the rest room. When I get back to our seats outside, I tie Oskar’s lead to my chair as he sits besides me chewing on a dog biscuit and tell Vic to go ahead and eat his lunch, seeing as I had to feed Hannah her bottle before I eat mine. When I’m done feeding Hannah Vic has already finished eating and he claps his hands and holds them out towards me, smiling like a big kid wanting to take Hannah from me.

“Erm, are you sure?” I say, seeming a little nervous to just hand her over... I've never actually let anyone else hold her without there being any fuss from both of us.
“Of course I am, now give her to me.”
“She might kick up a fuss.”
“Just hand her over so you can eat your food Josh.”

I roll my eyes and hesitantly pass her over to Vic. He places her on his lap and I watch for her reaction, she looks up at him a little confused but he greets her with a big warm smile. She looks around looking for me and when her eyes finally finds me, she smiles her gorgeous smile causing me to smile back at her to reassure her that she’s in safe hands. I did feel a little nervous as I watch her in Vic’s lap, Oli is really the only other person who has held her so I wasn't really sure how she'd react. I knew Vic has held her before but for two months straight its only been me and Oli, so I was slightly paranoid how’d she’ll feel about being in someone else arms…
When I’m comfortable that she’s okay I finally pick up my sandwich and begin to eat but I don’t take my eyes off her, in fear she would start crying for me.

After about fifteen minutes after finishing my lunch, I couldn’t believe Hannah was still sitting in Vic’s lap, who was bouncing her up and down on his knee gently, making silly goo goo gaa gaa noises at her, making her giggle. Wow, she’s really taken a liking to him, this whole time she hasn’t once shown any sign of being uncomfortable around him or wanting me to take her from him, he was like some sort of baby whisperer or something, she seemed to absolutely love him.

“I’m actually impressed.”
“Why?” Vic says, lifting his head up to look at me.
“Because she usually cries when other people are holding her.” well, whenever mum, dad or Tom tried holding her she would literally cry her eyes out for me.
“Well, what can I say, she loves me.” he smirks, I just shake my head at his big headedness.
I honestly loved seeing Vic with Hannah, he was so good with her. Just watching him with her gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside, I don’t know why, I guess its just a weird parent feeling when someone close to you bonds with your child so well, its just makes you go weak at the knees…

“You’re going to be such a great dad when your time comes.” I say smiling, Vic whips up his head to look at me.
“Well that won’t be for a very long time.”
I frown at his answer.
“Jaime still hasn’t come round?”
Vic looks down at Hannah and shakes his head sighing.
“I’m sorry Vic.”
He shrugs. I can’t help but think I’m partly to blame; Vic and Jaime broke up after that event at the baby shower two months ago. The two of them are always breaking up so I’m a little shocked to hear that they haven’t got back together again.
“Whatever. Maybe it’s for the best if we don’t get back together this time.”
“What you mean? You two always get back together.”
“Yeah well, I don’t think it’s gonna happen this time.”
“Have you even tried?” I asked, knowing how stubborn he can be at the best of times and I know he probably hasn’t even bothered with Jaime.
“Does it matter?” he says in defence.
“I’m just saying, even though you’ve been on and off for the last five years, you must love him to keep going back to him.”
Vic smirks.
“I wouldn’t say it was love.”
“Seriously Vic?”
“Can you stop now?” he says abit harshly, I obviously hit a nerve.
“It doesn’t matter anyway because we’re not getting back together alright? So just drop it.”

He stands up from his seat looking annoyed, he hands Hannah over to me and walks inside the café, I only assume to go to the toilet or something to avoid any other questions or an argument.

I sigh, I just worry about him sometimes, I only want the best for him and it would be nice to see him finally settle down and be happy, either if its with Jaime or someone else. He walks around with this whole big guy act but I know him damn too well to see right through it, I know that he’s hurting but he just too stubborn to admit it and admit that he really does miss Jaime.
When Vic comes back from the toilet, he has a yellow fluffy duck toy in his hands.
“Look what I bought for my little princess.” Vic holds out the fluffy duck to Hannah and her little face literally lights up with joy and she stretches out to take the duck from Vic.
I can’t help but notice the sudden change in Vic’s mood, he looks hurt and upset and I got a strange feeling that it wasn’t from the previous conversation about Jaime. He bends down to Hannah’s level, ignoring me and hooks his finger under her chin and smiles at her.

“I know you’re daddy Oli doesn’t like me very much, so I won’t get to see you as much as I’d like too.”
“Vic.” I snap, in shock to what I’m actually hearing him say.
“But whenever you miss me princess, just cuddle your duck and he’ll past the cuddle on to me ok?” he smiles weakly and kisses her forehead before standing up.
What the actual fuck?
“Where did that come from?”
He just shrugs his shoulders at me.
“You know its true Josh.”
I didn’t know what to say, I was a lost for words. We’ve just had the most perfect day together, feeding the ducks with my little girl and creating happy memories together and now all of a sudden it turns miserable… he’s saying stuff like he’s never going to see her again and that hurts me more than anything.
I know Oli isn't exactly keen on Vic being around Hannah so much but I wouldn't take it as far as that, I want him to be more involved.
“I just wanted her to have something from me.”
I feel my heart honestly sink through my chest, why was this effecting me so much? I lightly bury my face in Hannah’s hair not really knowing what to say to him.
“Come on, I’ll walk you both home. Hannah looks tired and I know Oli will be home soon as well and I don’t want to keep him waiting.”

What the fuck? Where is this all coming from? Since when does he care about if Oli is waiting for me or not? I’m so confused to why he’s acting like this, what’s happened?
I frown but get up from my seat without saying a word and place Hannah back in her buggy and strap her in. I untie Oskar’s lead from the chair and when I turn back round I already see Vic had already started pushing the buggy. I sigh heavily to myself, I just want to know why he’s suddenly acting like this? I keep my thoughts to myself though, knowing I wouldn’t get answer from him and I just let him continue pushing the buggy while I follow not far behind him with Oskar.

~~~

Oli came in from work half an hour after I got home, I could hear him faintly talking to Oskar downstairs, most probably wondering where I was. It had been a long day for Hannah and she started to fuss by the time I got home, I invited Vic to come in but he just kissed us both on the cheek goodbye and said he’ll see us soon and left. Normally I would have kicked off and demand what the bloody hell was wrong with him, but Hannah was tired and I knew kicking off would only make matters worse, so I let Vic leave and just bathed Hannah and put her to straight to bed.

I’ve been sitting in the rocking chair beside Hannah’s bed watching her sleep for the last fifteen minutes or so. I didn’t want to leave her side, I just couldn’t get what Vic said earlier out of my mind… I know I shouldn’t have let it get to me this much but I have. He’s my best friend and I love him more than anything and I want nothing more for him to be apart of my daughter’s life, but he knew he wouldn’t be… not like he wanted to… or like I wanted him to. I knew Oli would think differently about the subject and I guess that’s what Vic saw too and it hurt him to know the truth, I mean, it took him two months to be able to see Hannah again and who’s to say that won’t happen again?
I sigh, leaning forward so the side of my face was resting on the edge of the cot, as my arms dangled down into the cot so I could stroke my daughters face with my fingers.
Her new fluffy duck was placed beside her as she feel asleep clinging on to it and I didn't want to take it away from her incase she really did miss Vic and wanted a hug...
No, I won’t let that happen again, I want Vic to be apart of her life. Once every two months just isn’t enough, if my daughter wanted to hug him I wanted her to be able to hug him for real, not through a fluffy toy duck.

I hear Hannah’s bedroom door open followed by soft footsteps approach there way towards me and I already knew it was Oli.

“Hey love, what you doing in here?” Oli whispers, placing his hand on my shoulder.
“Nothing.” I whisper back, sounding really un enthusiastic.
“I’m surprise your home, how did today go?”
“It was perfect, Hannah really loved it.”
“Perfect?” I notice the slight sarcasm in his voice but ignore it.
“Yeah, I took lots of photos to show you.”
“Love, if today was so perfect why are you acting so miserable for?”

Well today was perfect, I got to spend the whole day with my best friend and my daughter, the only down side is I don’t know when the next time will be.
I hesitate for a few minutes before answering Oli, I know he won’t be too please to hear it but I know he won’t stop until I tell him.
“It’s just something what Vic said earlier.”
“Now why doesn’t that surprise me? Come on, out with it, what did he say?”
I continue to stare down at my daughter peacefully asleep.
“It was nothing bad… well it kinda was, it’s just, oh I don’t know...” I really didn’t know how to say it because I knew however I do say it, Oli isn’t going to be happy to hear it and I’m not looking forward to his answer.
“Josh, stop rambling.” He says, squeezing my shoulder gently.

Fuck, just tell him Josh for crying out loud, at least we can maybe discuss it further and hopefully I’ll be able to convince him to agree.
I bite my lip and slowly pull myself away from Hannah’s cot, I look up nervously to him to find him staring back at me looking all confused. Well here goes nothing.

“I… I want to make Vic Hannah’s God Father.”