We're Young and in Love

I'm Prepared for the Worst.

Oli's POV

We both collapse forwards onto our bed sweating and panting from the activity what just happened seconds ago. We lazily lie on our bed, neither of us having the energy to say anything to each other, our tired bodies feeling heavy and tired and fully satisfied. After a few minutes Josh curls into my side, resting his cheek on my shoulder and starts drawing little circle patterns onto my bare chest with his finger. Before I could even wrap my arm around him, he quickly kisses my chest and hurries out of bed, putting back on his boxers and looking in the mirror as he starts fixing up his hair.

“I’ve gotta hurry, Vic will be here any minute.” He says, his full attention still on his hair, as he runs his fingers through it spiking it up messily.
“Leave Hannah here love.” I say sitting up, letting the bed covers drop and only covering the lower half of my naked body.
“I told you I was taking her to see Kellin and Dan today, they’re dying to see her.” Josh finally pulls away from the mirror and starts dressing back into his clothes which are scattered all around the room.
“I’m sure Kellin and Dan can wait a little longer.” I frown, feeling irritated that he hasn’t even stopped what he’s doing to give me his full attention for two minutes to discuss this and also because he chose to take Hannah out to meet his friends without even asking if I wanted to spend time with her today.
“But I’ve already told them I’m bringing her.”
“Josh come on, it’s my day off and I just want to spend the day with my daughter without having to fight over her.” I kick the covers off me and get out of bed, putting my boxers and jeans back on. I was actually really pissed off with Josh, we’ve haven’t had a proper family day with just the three of us in ages and since its my first day off in weeks I thought he would want to spend time with his family, but instead all he seems to care about is being with his friends.

“How about you call Vic and tell him you’re spending the day with your husband and daughter instead?”
“Oli I can’t, Vic’s already on his way and the others are expecting me.”
See what I mean, he brushes us off so easily. I’m sure the guys would understand if he said he’s spending the day with his family but he won’t even consider it, like his friends are more important to be with rather than spending time with us, knowing that’s what we really need to be doing right now.
“Fine, but Hannah’s staying with me.”
I cross my arms to my chest and lean against the wall, I wasn’t asking, I was telling. If Josh wanted to be with his friends then so be it but he won’t be taking our daughter with him on my only day off.
He stands across the room from me with his hands on his hips pouting at me, he was in full sass mode ready to argue back but I was ready for him and he knew it.

“Okay fine, but you’re dealing with Vic and the others.” He says, throwing his hands in the air as his admits defeat, he knew there was no point arguing… again.
I just roll my eyes and put my t-shirt back on.

“Whatever. Vic is seeing her later on anyway so I don’t see what the problem is.”
Josh was about to say something but his phone beeps and he pulls it out of his pocket to read the text before rushing over to me.
“Alright fine you win; Vic’s outside waiting for me so I’ve gotta go now.” He says before quickly kissing me on the lips goodbye.
“Don’t forget to pick up the stuff from the store for dinner later tonight okay?”
I frown at his reminder, he hasn’t shut up about this stupid dinner for days.
“I still don’t know why you’re making such a big deal over it, its only Vic.”
“Of course it’s a big deal, we’re asking Vic to be apart of our daughter’s life and I just want everything to be perfect. So please, behave yourself.”

“I’ll behave if he will.” I scowl, Josh knows full well Vic is the culprit in all our fall outs, so how dare he even ask me to “behave” myself when Vic is the one who starts it all.
“I’ve already told him to be on his best behaviour.” He quickly defends him looking down at his phone as it beeps again.
“I really have to go, see you later babe!” Josh waves me off with his hand before grabbing his jacket and heading off out.

I sigh heavily to myself. As much as I love the man to pieces he’s been a right pain in the butt lately and it’s been really frustrating and I can’t help but feel our relationship slightly feeling distance.
I know I’ve been working a lot recently and because of that Josh has been spending a lot of times with his friends, but I would assume he would want to spend family time together whenever we have the opportunity but obviously not.

Things have been off ever since Josh asked to make Vic Hannah’s God father, which of course in the end Josh got his own way, he always does. I still felt unsure about the whole idea but Josh was so adamant about it. For the last two weeks we’ve been arguing and falling out over it but eventually, I gave into Josh and agreed. I’m a complete sucker when it comes to my husband, eight years down the line and I’m still completely smitten and I would literally do anything for him…even make the one person I can’t stand my daughters god parent.

And to top it all off, Josh has invited Vic round for dinner tonight so we could all sit down and ask him together and celebrate being a happy family because I know for a fact that Vic is going to say yes and he’s going to love every minute rubbing it in my face and I’m not looking forward to it one little bit.

I shouldn’t be surprised to be honest, I should have known the moment I walked back into Josh’s life all those years ago that Vic was going to be apart of our life forever.

~~~

Hannah was in her cot, wide awake talking baby language to herself, which is literally a load of goo goo gaga’s. She could crawl now and I knew it would be a disaster waiting to happen if we left her crawling around the house on her own, so I put her in her cot before me and Josh headed to our bedroom to make up for an previous argument.

She smiles her little shy smile and reaches up to me, so I pick her up out of her cot and place her on my hip.
“Lets go to the supermarket and get it over and done with and then we can have the rest of the day to ourselves okay Pipsqueak.” I say, kissing Hannah on the top of her head and heading down stairs to get Oskar and my wallet before going out to the car.

I got the shopping done within an hour and was now in the car driving back home. Hannah was sat in the back in her car seat chewing on a baby rusk biscuit, while Oskar was standing up in the passenger seat beside me with his head stuck out the window, loving the wind blowing in his face. It turned out to be a lovely sunny afternoon and I didn’t really want to go back home just yet, so I was taking my time driving as I tried to think of something for us to do. Suddenly a happy warm memory pops into my mind and I’m soon smiling to myself like a fool but I then turn the car around and drive to our next destination.

~~~

It was exactly how I last remembered it; the trees, the rocks, the flowers, the bridge, the river. Nothing much had really changed; it was like reliving a memory.

We were currently sat in the middle of the field, Hannah was placed in between my legs, while Oskar was having the time of his life hiding and jumping around in the long grass, chasing away all the pretty white butterflies. The weather was nice and warm which made the day even more perfect to be out here. I only wish Josh was here with us, it would have made the day complete.

I was in the middle of making a daisy chain for Hannah with all the flowers around me, its something I often used to do to pass the time here. When I finally linked all the daisies together I noticed that I hadn’t made it big enough for Hannah to wear as a necklace, so I placed it on top of her head to wear as a pretty flower crown instead and she looked like the most adorable little pixie ever. I think daddy is going to put flowers in her hair more often because she looks so frigging cute!

She smiles at me, satisfied with her new little flower crown and begins to crawl over to Oskar who was sitting not so far away. I watch her closely to make sure she’s okay as she approaches him, Oskar greets her with wet sloppy licks to her face which he often does and she’s squeals and giggles in response.
I chuckle lightly to myself and once I’m comfortable with Oskar looking over her, I pull my attention away from them and pull out my little black book and begin writing lyrics, something I haven’t done in a long time. Whenever I used to come here I always write lyrics, lately I haven’t been able to write, life has become a crazy rollercoaster and abit of a distraction but being here everything is instantly calm and relax and inspiration floods my mind, so I guess this is a good time to start writing.

I’m not sure how long it must have been but Hannah crawled her way back to me, tugging on my leg smiling, holding up a bright yellow buttercup to me, I stop what I’m doing and smile down to her and take the flower from her little hand.

“It’s a buttercup; you’re supposed to hold it under your chin to see if you like butter.” I say, as I hold the flower under her chin and see the vibrant yellow colour reflects up against her snow white skin, revealing that she “likes butter.” Just some stupid made up nonsense Josh believed in and always tested it out on me whenever we were here.

I tuck the butter cup behind my ear and sit Hannah back in between my legs and start rambling to her.
“Me and you’re daddy used to come here all the time, it was our little secret place, a place to escape from reality I suppose you could say.”
I smile down at Hannah as memories start to fill my mind of all the times me and Josh shared together here but the smiles soon falls from my lips.
“We barely come here at all now… I miss it.”

I knew she didn’t understand a word I was saying to her but I felt like I needed to talk to someone, get everything off my chest which has been playing on my mind lately.

“You’re daddy Josh, he would make it all better, he would make all the bad stuff go away just by being here with me. I’ve never met anyone who had such a loving kind heart like he has and I didn’t understand why he wanted to have anything to do with me back then, I was a wreck. I was afraid to bring him here at first, because this was my secret place and I knew if I brought him here I had to let him in, take down my walls, trust him. I’d never done that before but there was something about your daddy which I just couldn’t turn myself away from, I fell madly in love with him before I even realised I had. He was the best thing to ever happen to me… but things are kinda different now.
We’re older and a lot of things have changed, like we don’t spend as much time together anymore like we used too and work has become a big part of my life and your daddy spends a lot of time with your annoying uncle Vic and yeah, things has changed a lot.” I sigh heavily. I was just sat pouring my heart out to my little girl, who really had no clue what I was mumbling on about, she’s too young to understand the shit that goes on in life but I just needed to get this all off my chest and out in the open.
I smile when I see her little face looking up at me, completely mesmerize by the sound of my voice.

“We also have you now which of course, is the biggest change of them all but you are literally the best thing to ever happen to me Pipsqueak. You’re the better part of me, you’re my perfect little girl and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you… and I know you will use that to your advantage when your older that’s for sure.”
I say, smiling down at her and tapping her gently on the nose with my finger. She was completely oblivious to what I was saying, but I knew as soon as she hits her teens she’s going to have me and Josh wrapped round her little finger.
“But I want you to know Pipsqueak that sometimes in life, shit happens, but this place will keep you safe. When you’re older and daddy Josh is driving you mad about what you can and can’t wear out and when I’m being a useless good for nothing dad, you can come here okay, this place can be your secret escape like it was once mine.”

I look down at Hannah again to find her staring up at me with big doe like eyes as if she understood what I was talking about. She held her arms up to me and did little grabby hand’s, it was as if she sense that I needed some sort or reassurance, a hug. I laughed and pick her up and hold her close to my chest and felt her nuzzle her face into my knitted sweater and in that moment I hadn’t felt so loved. My little girl was comforting me, she sense that I wasn’t myself and she did the only thing she could do to make me feel better and that was to cuddle me. Cuddles with Hannah were always the best, maybe even better than Josh’s but of course I would never tell him that, he would get super jealous.

The sun was setting and it had started to get abit chilly out and Hannah was only wearing a little white summer dress, so I had taken off my sweater and wrapped it around her so she would stay warm. Oskar was lying down next to us catching his breath, he’s been running around the field all afternoon he’s worn himself out.
I realised I left my phone in the car and I had no idea what time it was but I had a feeling it was late. Hannah started to fuss, letting out a few whimpers; no doubt she was cold and hungry and most likely needed her nappy changing and everything I needed was in the car. I gather my things, pick Hannah up and start to make my way back to car, I was reluctant to leave the field, I wished I could stay here a little bit longer but I knew my husband would be the death of me if I didn’t get a move on now. I wasn’t really looking forward to the dinner guest we had joining us later… if only life could go back to how if was a few years ago.

~~~

The minute I walk through the front door Josh is running up to me, not looking the slightest bit happy to see me.

“Where have you been I’ve been trying to get hold of you!” he hisses, obviously pissed off at my late arrival.
“I’m sorry love, I left my phone in the car and I kinda lost track of time.”
“Lost track of time? Oli you knew we had Vic coming round for dinner, it’s almost 7 o’clock!”
I just roll my eyes at his stupid drama, yes its only 7 o’clock its not the end of the world, I’m sure Vic can wait a little longer to eat.
“Josh I said I’m sorry alright.” I frown, making my way into the living room, I’d notice Vic had made himself at home as he was slouched across the sofa, flicking through the tv channels not having a single care in the world that I had entered the room.

“Where on earth have you been to make Hannah so filthy?” Josh demands, making my eyes pull away from Vic and back to Josh who was frowning down at Hannah’s grass stain dress and dirty knees.
“Oh err, I took Hannah to the secret place.” I smile brightly, seeing Josh’s face instantly drop.
“Y-you took her to the secret place?” he stutters.
“Yeah, she loved it. We had a great time didn’t we Pipsqueak?” I grin down at her, and she lightly pats me on the cheek with her little hand and lets out a little squeal.
“I would have liked to have been there…” Josh mumbles, looking down at the floor and biting his lip, hurt written all over his face and my heart instantly aches for him.
I felt so guilty seeing his reaction, I didn’t mean to upset him, I mean, I shouldn’t feel bad about taking my daughter to the one place that means so much to me, after all I did ask Josh to spend the day with us but he wanted to hang out with his friends instead. I didn’t intend to go to the secret field without him and hurt him on purpose; it was just a spare of the moment. But yet its my fault and I’m the one who needs to apologies like always.

“I’m sorry love, it was just a spare of the moment thing.” I say, trying to make Josh not feel so bad.
He just shrugs his shoulders and continues to stare at the floor, as we stand in silences for a minute, I knew he was really hurt over this but I didn’t know what else to say.

Hannah turns around in my arms and smiles when she sees Josh and stretches out her arm and does a little grabby hand to him. And I don’t think none of us was prepared for what she did next.

“Dada.”
My eyes widen and I instantly freeze, Josh’s eyes shot up all wide eyed like mine in disbelief.
“D-did she just speak?” I choke, I wasn’t quite sure if I just imagine her saying that or not.
“Dadaaa.” Hannah whines, leaning forwards in my arms towards Josh, wanting him to take her.
“Oh my god she did! She called me dada, she called me dada!” he shrieks in excitement, Josh reaches out for Hannah’s hand and takes her from me. Tears were filling his eyes as held her close to his chest and beams with joy.

Vic soon rushes over, standing beside Josh wanting to join in and ruin our proud parent moment.
“Vic did you hear her?” Josh sobs, finally pulling away from Hannah and looking at Vic with tears of joy running down his cheeks.
“Yeah I did.” He grins, wrapping an arm around Josh’s waist and stealing the moment from me.
“That’s right little one, I’m your dada,” Josh sobs through tear filled eyes.
“Say it again for me sweetie, say da-da.” He coos, holding Hannah out in front of him trying to encourage her to say it again but she only giggles and buries her face back into his chest.
“Well I guess she won’t be saying it again anytime soon.” Vic smirks, his arm still tight around Josh’s waist which I did not take my eyes off, Josh wasn’t paying any attention to anything else in the room besides from Hannah as he continued trying to get her to call him dada again.

Okay I had to admit that I was absolutely heartbroken at the scene going on in front of me. Well of course she was going to call Josh dada first, he spends the most time with her, I didn’t really have a choice because I had to work and from that she’s become so clingy to him, whenever Josh was around she would fuss to get out of my arms just so Josh could hold her, she’s such a daddy’s girl already. I guess in a way I understand that, by Josh’s reaction it seemed like the best thing in the whole world having your child call you dada, it was a beautiful moment but it was completely ruined because Vic had pushed me out, taking my place beside Josh and the pair of them smiling and cooing down at my daughter unaware that I was falling apart in front of them.

“I need to call my mum and tell her!” Josh says, rushing past me to the other side of the room to the phone, Vic following right behind him. I was just left standing there, like I was invisible and as if I didn’t care about what had just gone on. I was trying so hard not to fall apart and snap, I didn’t want any drama. I felt a tear roll down my cheek but I quickly wiped it away with the sleeve of my sweater and walked out of the room, it’s not like neither of them would even notice I was gone or even care to want to share the moment with me… I felt like total utter shit, nothing felt worse than being completely ignored by your own husband by what seems to be one of the happiness moments in family life. What do I know anyway, I had no family growing up, both of my parents didn’t want to share loving moments with me, so why would this be any different…?

~~~

I didn’t really say much to either of them the rest of the night, well its not like I had a chance anyway, they were both caught up in their own cosy conversation to even bother to involve me in it. We were sat at the table eating dinner, I hadn’t eaten much at all I wasn’t exactly in the mood, I was just pushing the food around my plate with my folk, anything to distract me from the two pig headed imbecile’s sat around me.

My eyes flicker to Hannah who was sat at the head of the table in her high chair, Josh and Vic sitting either side of her, occasionally cooing and awing at her. I’ve never felt so shut out and out of place by my own family as I do right now, I had the best time with my little girl in the field earlier and now everything has just turn’t to shit the moment we got home. My eyes didn’t leave Hannah, her pale chubby cheeks were covered in bright orange baby food and she was swinging her spoon around in the air, happily entertaining herself. I was hoping she would flick some baby food onto Vic’s face but unfortunately there was no food left. God she was just so perfect, I couldn’t believe such a small beautiful human being could be so perfect. Even though everything felt pretty shit at the moment I would make sure no matter what I was feeling I would always make sure to put a smile on my little girls face, I would make sure she would never feel like me, she would never even know what my childhood was like. I will bring her up away from the horrid negativity of family life; I will make sure she will only know love and happiness.

Josh intertwines his fingers in with mine breaking me out of my daze and smiles at me before looking back at Vic.
“Vic, Oli and I have something we would like to ask you.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” I watch him raise an eyebrow in curiosity, wanting Josh to continue.
I bite the insides of my gums, I knew what Josh was gonna say next and I couldn’t think of anything worse right now. I didn’t want Vic to be one of Hannah’s God parents, if I thought today was bad, I don’t even want to think what it will be like when its made official. No matter how much I scream and shout in protest I know I will lose this battle, just like I have for the last two weeks whenever me and Josh have discussed it. I could taste the blood fill my mouth as I bite down harder onto my gums just to prevent myself from opening my big mouth and saying something which I’ll soon regret and just let Josh continue.

“Well, you have become such a big part of our lives, throughout the years we’ve had our ups and downs, but you’ve always been there, you’ve never turned your back on me, well neither of us actually… and no words can describe how much you mean to us and how thankful we are to have you in our lives. I know you and Oli aren’t best buddies but you both look out for me and Hannah and have both our best interest at heart and I can’t thank you both for that.”
Awkward was an understatement when Josh mention me and Vic not being the best of friends, I continued to stare down at my plate and let allowed Josh to carry on.

“And when I see you with Hannah my heart just melts, you’re already so amazing with her, like you’re the only one besides from me and Oli that Hannah actually allows to hold and the way I see you look at her is so breath taking and I know all you want to do is take care of her. Basically, what I’m trying to say, what we wanted to ask you, is that, we would love for you to be Hannah’s God father.”

“Wait what. Are you serious?” he asks, his expression shocked.
Vic looks at Josh and then at me scanning our faces, probably double checking this wasn’t a whined up, I only wished it was though. Josh nods and smiles his beautiful smile I always loved at him and Vic lets out a loud yelp of excitement.

“Oh wow. Of course I would love to be her God Father! I mean, I’m so honoured, Hannah means the world to me.” I hear Vic say, I was still refusing to look up at him because I didn’t want to be met with his stupid smug face because I knew I would want nothing more than to punch it.
“Hear that princess, I’m not only your Uncle Vic but I’m officially going to be your God father!”
I glance up and see him leaning against the high chair cooing at my daughter, making her giggle and rest her messy hands in his hair as she takes him in. Ugh, I need to somehow teach Hannah not to be so fond of him.

~~~

Josh was currently outside on the balcony talking to his mum on the phone once again, he was jumping up and down with excitement and couldn’t control himself to wait until tomorrow to her the news.
Meanwhile Vic had Hannah sat on his knee, bouncing her up and down as I sat on the far end of the sofa away from him but watched him intently with my daughter.
If he kept this up Hannah was going to throw her dinner up all over him for sure, which then again I wouldn’t mind if she did.
He slowly stops bouncing her and I see him sigh before looking over at me.

“Okay you can quit the silent treatment and the glares now, I know I wasn’t your first choice and I know your finding this way harder to accept than you’re letting on.” Vic says, staring deep into my eyes and I could feel my blood starting to boil.
My eyes flicker to the glass balcony doors to see Josh still deep in conversation with his mum before I answered Vic.
“Don’t act like you think you know me Fuentes, I only agreed to this because you somehow make Josh and Hannah happy and that’s all that matters.” I hiss back.
“Oli I don’t know what your problem is, all I want is for Hannah to be safe, to love her and protect her, just like I once did for you…”

Okay that last part kinda knocked me off guard, he was referring to back when we were kids, when I was a danger to myself and Vic tried to save me from myself.

I felt myself clench my jaw and tried my best to hold back my anger, how dare he even bring all that up again… that was a very very very long time ago and I don’t need him reminding me of how much of a fucked up disappointment I was.

I close my eyes and pinch the top of my nose and let out a heavy sigh.
Despite of everything and as much as I hate to admit it to myself, I knew he was right. I knew that Vic was the right person to choose… He has so much passion, he puts his heart and soul into everything and he’s so protective over everything he loves, throughout all the years he’s tried to protect Josh from me and even before then, when he tried to protect me from myself, he tried everything to save me… I knew we would never see eye to eye ever again but I knew he would protect and care for my little girl and that’s the most important thing in all this. She needed someone like Vic in her life, if something were to ever happen to one of us, I would know for a fact that Vic would be there for her no matter what, and I guess that’s the main priority you could ever want for your child. Security and never ending love and that’s exactly what Vic will give her.

Maybe I was over thinking all of this, maybe I should just start over and give Vic a chance?
I felt the sofa dip down and when I open my eyes Vic and Hannah are sitting next to me.

“Just give me a chance to prove to you that I will be the best protector you could ever ask for your daughter.” Vic says looking me dead in the eye being completely serious. I hesitate to answer him, this could either be a really good thing or a really bad thing. Letting him in might cost me my marriage or even my family… but on the other hand, my mind will be at peace knowing my daughter will be completely safe from any negativity which ever came her way. I knew Vic could protect her if me and Josh weren’t around... and that's all I want for my daughter.

When I was about to give him my answer and agree to start over, we’re both interrupted by Vic’s phone ringing. He pulls it out of his pocket and frowns down at the caller ID, I couldn’t help myself but take a sneaky glance down to see who it is and I was actually surprised to see Jaime’s name on the screen. Vic quickly declines the call and I’m suddenly curious to why he wouldn’t want to speak to Jaime. Vic phones goes back to his home screen which revealed his background image to which was a photo of him, Josh and Hannah and I could feel every inch of my body get hot as the anger inside me begins to boil.
Why the fuck does he have a picture of my family as his phone background? God father to my daughter or not, that’s no excuse to have a photo of my family on his phone.
But before I could comment Josh comes back in the room smiling ear from ear rambling on about what he’s been discussing to his mother on the phone.
I honestly couldn’t bare to sit here and listen to him or even bare to be in the same room as Vic anymore, I wanted to be away from both of them right now, so I quickly stand up and take Hannah from Vic.

“I’m gonna put Hannah to bed.” I say without looking at either of them and quickly heading upstairs to Hannah’s room.

~~~

Hannah was dressed in her night wear and ready for bed but yet she kicked up a fuss and refused to settle. So I held her close to my chest as I begin slowly pacing around her room trying to calm down her whimpering and get her to sleep.
Today’s been a long stressful day and this is the latest she’s been put to bed so I guess she didn’t like being taken out of her routine.

I started humming a random tune and then I remembered the song I wrote today in the field. I wrote a song for my beautiful little girl, so maybe if I sing to her it will help get her off to sleep.

“When you close your eyes and go to sleep tonight
I’ll be right outside your door
Dreams will come and they’ll take you away
Let them bring you back to me

And tomorrow when you wake I’ll be next to you
The protection from the day
When the tears fall down your face like morning dew
I’ll be there to put a smile on your face
And I’ll say

I don’t wanna live this life without you
I don’t wanna spend the night without you
I don’t wanna know what its like
I can’t dream without you

Let your fire burn bright for the world to see
You are the better part of me
When you hold my hand I swear that I believe
I’m living in my wildest dreams
And I see

I don’t wanna live this life without you
I don’t wanna spend the night without you
I don’t wanna know what its like
I can’t dream without you

Flowers for your hair
Rainbows for your eyes to see
Your dreams are everywhere
To carry you away from me
Away from me someday

I don’t wanna live this life without you
I don’t wanna spend the night without you
I don’t wanna know what its like
I can’t dream without you”

I stop pacing and look down to find Hannah peacefully asleep in my arms, her face resting on my shoulder.
I gently kiss her on the top of her head and quietly place her down in her cot. I tuck the covers in around her and lightly stroke her soft cheek with my fingers.

“Sweet dreams Pipsqueak.”