We're Young and in Love

Give Me A Reason To Start Again.

Part 1:

Josh's P.O.V

I finally plucked up the courage to look up at him.
He was standing frozen in front of me, hiding his face behind his fringe.
“Oli?”
He continued to ignore me.
“Oli please say something…”
I sat nervously, waiting for him to answer me but he remained silent, making me squirm in my seat.
His frozen structure and silence began to make me worry, but not longer after I saw a tear roll down his cheek.
My heart ached.
I got up from the sofa to cuddle him but he suddenly step backwards raising his hands in the air, not wanting me to touch him.
“Don’t touch me!”
Distraught were in his eyes and his breathing suddenly became incredibly heavy.
“I…I need to get out of here…I need some air.”
“Okay, let’s go for a walk.”
“No! Just leave me alone!”
He pushed me out the way and stormed out of the flat ignoring my cry after him.
I’ve hadn’t seen him so hurt in so long and it was all my fault… just like it was all my fault last time…the guilt took over me, and I fell to my knees in fits of tears.
He hates me; he can’t even look at me or even let me touch him… he’s never going to forgive me for this, what have I done?
The guilt and thoughts in my mind were eating me alive, I couldn’t just sit here on the floor crying, I had to do somethingto distract myself. I decided to clean the entire flat, I never manage to stop myself from crying though, I couldn’t help but hate myself for putting him through so much pain…yet again.
I stood in the door way of our bedroom and just stared at our bed.
I had no memory of what happened between me and Vic but the thought of us doing what we did…in mine and Oli’s bed, a place where we made love to each other, it was our intimate personal space where we respected one an another.
But I was disgusted with what I saw now… all I could think of was the love bites on my collar bone and the scratch marks down Vic’s back… the thought made my skin crawl. My vision became blurred as my eyes over flowed with tears, I was heart broken at what I had done to us.
Anger over took my mind and I charge at the bed, stripping the sheets from the bed as fast as I could and taking out my pain on the pillows with my fists; I completely broke down and sunk to the floor in tears.
I just felt so disgusted with myself.
I heard the front door open and I sat up and sprinted to the living room.
“Oli!”
But to my disappointment it was only Tom with Oskar, coming back from a walk.
“Is everything alright?” he seemed concern.
“Fine…”
I lied of course; I just hung my head and walked back into my bedroom to finish cleaning up.
When I was done cleaning the flat, I sat on the sofa hugging my knees to my chest waiting for Oli to come back home. Tom sat beside me, he obviously sense something was wrong because I couldn’t stop sobbing to myself; I guess he was too shy to ask what was wrong.
I was going out of my mind, it was getting late and Oli still hadn’t come back home…the worse kept swimming around in my head; what if he did something to himself? What if I made him relapse? What if he ran away and left me again? Oh god please, anything but that. I couldn’t bare to be in his absence once again, not like that... it almost killed us both last time…
I know I deserve every bit of suffering I get but if only he give me the chance to explain myself…explain that I had no knowledge of doing what I did, maybe he’ll understand… he just has to or what’s gonna happen to us?
The keys opening the front door broke me away from my thoughts; Oli was standing there, his eyes swollen red from where he’d been crying.
I jumped up from the sofa and stood by his side wanting to pull him into a hug but I controlled myself. His off silent mood warned me this wasn’t going to be good.
“Tom, could you give me and Josh a moment?”
“Sure, I’ll be in the kitchen.”
We stood in silence, neither one of us not daring to say the first word…
There were a thousand things I wanted to say to him but where do I even begin? I guess begging for forgiveness would make a good start…
“Oli I’m so sor…”
“Don’t.” his voice was harsh.
“Please let me explain, I never got to tell you the whole story.”
Well, I don’t even know the whole story myself, but I needed to tell him that I didn’t know what I was doing…he needed to know that.
Several tears ran down his rosy red cheeks.
“I don’t know who you are anymore…”
“Please don’t say that!”
“My Josh wouldn’t do this to me…” he sniffed.
“Oli please! I’m still yours, you know who I am, you do!”
“No, I don’t…”
“Baby please let me explain, its not what you think…I was drunk, I had no idea what I was doing…Vic ma…” he cut me off.
“Don’t even say his name!”
His anger knocked me off guard slightly, making my eyes meet the floor feeling incredibly guilty.
“I’m…I’m sorry.”
“Your sorry won’t save us Josh…”
Shock ran through me as I realised this was going to be the end of us.
My heart started racing with fear.
“Please baby, please let me explain.”
He shook his head, refusing to look at me.
“I promised you to always put you first… before my family, before the blades… but your always going to let him in, your always going to let him ruin us… and this time its gone too far.”
“I… I didn’t mean to…he’s my friend… I mean, I didn’t mean it to go this far.”
We both stood crying silently to each other; the situation was incredibly awkward, I didn’t know what to say to him without making it even worse.
Suddenly he spoke up.
“Erm… I think its best if we have some time apart from each other…”
I shot a horrifying look at him; did he really just say that?
“You…you want me to leave?”
He stood awkwardly in his camouflage coat, his eyes glued to the ground.
We haven’t left each others side in the last 18 months and he just wants me to leave… just like that? I don’t even think that’s possible…
The cold silence made it clear not to question his actions again.
I took a deep breath and hurried my way to our bedroom where I just collapsed and burst into tears at what was actually happening.
The tears didn’t stop falling but I began packing a bag, I didn’t really pay much attention to what I was packing… I was just hoping that this was all just a bad dream.
After packing my bag I tip toed back into the living room; Oli was still awkwardly standing in the same place I left him in, still wearing his coat, still hiding behind his fringe…still making it impossible for me to read him.
His frozen structure made it clear I should just leave but I couldn’t, not without saying a word, not without hoping he would change his mind.
“I’ll be at mum and dads…”
“P-please don’t text or call me… I want to be on my own…”
I ain’t gonna lie that hurt. So much.
I stepped towards him hoping he would give in and let me hold him but he just stepped away from me.
“Oli…?”
I saw his bottom lip tremble as the tears began to fall from his sorry eyes once again.
“Please, just go.” He chocked out before covering his face with his hands.
I hesitated for a couple of seconds before the tears over took me completely and I just left.

I was curled up into a ball on my bed just letting the tears fall from my eyes; I’ve been away from him for less than an hour and I was in absolute pieces.
That hole in my chest from before was once again ripped opened, but this time the pain was unbearable… even worse than before. The pain was different, it was guilt and disgust pulling it wide apart, reminding me of the pain I once felt from my despicable actions.
“Sweetheart what are you doing here?”
I ignored my mother’s anxiety as she found me in my old room.
“Sweetheart?”
She sat on the edge of my bed and pulled me into her lap; she knew something was wrong; she didn’t need to ask again, she knew the only reason I would be here was because something would have happened between me and Oli.
After a few moments of hysterically crying into my mothers lap, I finally brought myself round to speak to her.
“I’ve really messed up mum…” I chocked out.
“Oh sweetheart, I’m sure you and Oli can work through it, you always do.”
“No, not this time mum…I’ve really really hurt him.”
She’s probably going to hate me just as much as he does when she finds out what I’ve done… oh man, how am I going to tell her this?
“News year’s eve, I got really drunk and erm…I ended up sleeping with Vic…” I hid my face in her lap.
“Joshua you didn’t?! I’ve brought you up better than that!” her tone was filled with utter disgust.
But I tried to defend myself.
“Mum it’s not what you think!”
“How else can it be Joshua?!”
“I was really drunk; I don’t even remember it happening…”
“Alcohol is no excuse! Oh poor Oli, Joshua how could you do such a thing to that poor boy?!”
The last thing I needed was my mum lecturing me on the pain I must have caused him… I already know that myself, believe me I’m paying for it now.
“Mum please… I didn’t mean to hurt him, I love him so much you know that!”
“Then why did you do it?”
“I didn’t… I mean I did but… I was really drunk and Vic was putting me to bed and he even admitted he planned the whole thing…”
I stuttered as I tried to explain to my mother.
An awkward silence past before my mother replied back to me; her tone was more calm this time, more serious.
“Joshua, what your describing to me sounds very serious… it sounds like Vic raped you…”
I sat up from her lap in shock.
“What?”
Was it rape? I don’t even know I was so drunk! No it can’t be rape; I was the one in control…
God knows how I’m going to explain this to her… explain that I was the one who had sex with him…
“I…I don’t think it counts as rape…he said I was the one in control of things…” I felt my face burn red with embarrassment and shame.
“But you were drunk and Vic was well aware of it?”
I nodded slowly.
“You were drunk and vulnerable and he tricked you into having sex with him? Sweetheart, its still a form of rape.”
I let out a breathless gasp.
No, I refused to believe my best friend raped me… I mean, people have sex when they’re drunk all the time, right?
“Listen Joshua, I know Vic is your friend but what you have told me is very serious… I think you should report him to the police.”
“What? No I can’t…!”
I began to panic; I hate what he’s done to me but he’s my friend…if what he did does count as rape then he would go to prison for a very long time. I can’t do that to him…he probably deserves it but I just couldn’t live with myself if he went to prison because of this… I know he’s destroyed mine and Oli’s relationship and even our friendship for that matter but I just don’t know anymore… I’m so confuse, I just don’t know what to think anymore.
“You’re an adult now sweetheart, I can’t make you report him… I only advise you to seriously think about it.”
I bit my lip and sobbed to myself, I didn’t know what to do or say, I was a fucking wreck.
This stupid love triangle had destroyed us once again.
“What does Oli think of all this?”
“He…he wouldn’t let me explain… what if he becomes ill again mum?” I sobbed.
I fell into her arms and burst out crying again, I was beyond worried about him.
“Oh honey please don’t cry, just give him some time this is probably a really big shock for him. He’ll come round, I promise you sweetheart.”
I knew she only said that to not make me worry as much, but of course it didn’t work, I’ve lived in fear for the last two and half years because of him… Oli is very fragile; he’s not the kind of person you can just leave on his own… his emotions change all the time, any little thing could send him off the edge.

“Franceschi!”
Before my keys were even in the door I turned around to have the wind knocked out of me; I fell to the floor in the most excruciating pain wrapping my arms around my stomach.
Before I could even realise what was going on, someone picked me up from the ground by my coat and slammed my back into my front door.
“If you touch my brother again I swear I will kill you!”
My eyes flung open to find Mike pinning up against the wall, full with range. I was so shocked; I’ve never seen Mike act like this before, he’s such a gentle kind hearted person you would never thought he would suddenly change into this angry violent fug, protecting his big brother!
His threat angered me, how dare him!
“He fucking deserved what he got!”
“Josh I swear, don’t push me!”
“He’s nothing more than a jealous selfish cunt, who only thinks about himself!”
Mike head butted me rock solid in the face; I screamed out a loud cry as I dropped to the ground, I was met with a full blown pain to the head which made me unbelievable dizzy and blurred vision.
“This is nothing I will do to you and your pathetic little boyfriend, if you go near my brother again!”
“Y-you hit Oli?!”
Mike left me on the floor, ignoring my panic question.
My hand removed away from the lump on my forehead which was the size of a golf ball; blood was dripping down my face from it. My feelings were all over the place, all I could think about was Mike attacking Oli… no, he can’t have…not Oli, please not Oli… he can beat me to a pulp if he wanted to but please don’t lay a finger on Oli.
All his life he’s been beaten and the last time his dad beat him, Oli tried to kill himself… that horrible memory of Oli lying on his bed covered in blood, lifeless… that memory will stay with me forever. A sickening feeling stirred in the pit of my agonizing stomach as fear over took me, I had to see Oli I had to see if he was alright… if Mike did hit him I knew Oli would be in pieces hating and blaming himself, wanting his world to end. I struggled to get to my feet; I was in so much pain I fell to the ground again, letting out a groan as my body admitted defeat.
For fuck sake Josh, this is no time to be weak! Oliver needs me more than my pathetic body needs relief. I cursed at myself, giving me the motivation that I needed to get up and try again…and that I did.
I ignored every part of my body which screamed for attention and staggered my way back to the flat; I had to see if he was okay, I knew he would need me to hold him close and sing him to sleep.

The chain was on the door as I tried to walk in, stopping me going any further inside the flat.
I called out to Oli.
“Oli baby it’s me, you don’t have to be afraid… please take the chain off the door.”
I was met with silence, so I called louder.
“Oli!”
Tom came to the door, peeking between the gap of the door and the frame.
“Don’t you think you’ve caused enough damage as it is? He doesn’t want to see you!”
“Tom please, I need to see him, I need to see if he’s okay!”
Tom sure changed his tune; he’s not the so called quite and shy kid now, playing the protective little brother…man what is it with little brothers fighting their big brothers battles? They’ve turned into complete arseholes!
“It’s too late for that now Josh, why don’t you go running back to your other boyfriend instead!”
I was shocked, Oli told him?
Anyway, this is my flat… the little shit wouldn’t even be staying here if I hadn’t agree to it, so he better shut the fuck up and let me in now!
I could hear Oskar barking like crazy in the background, he knew it was me at the door, if only I could get him to make Oli come to me.
I ignored Tom and shouted past him.
“Oli please! Please let me in!”
Tom pushed me backwards out of the way and forcefully slammed the door shut in my face.
I was in fits of tears; banging and shouting at the front door begging to be let in to see Oli. I would have done anything; I was so desperate to know if he was okay… The thought of Mike hurting him tortured my mind, this wasn’t right… what have I done to us?

A week had passed, the most horrible, agonizing, heart wrenching week had pass and I still hadn’t seen Oli.
The first 2 days I kept my word and prevented myself from texting or calling him, but I eventually caved in and I was trying anything I could to get in contact with him but of course I had no luck, it was absolute torture!
The nightmares started again, they were kind of similar as before…
I was drowning and I couldn’t breathe again… but this time I could see Oli looking down at me in the water, there was some sort of cold cracked glass between us, keeping us apart from each other. Oli was pounding against the glass floor, his screams and cries were silent, I couldn’t hear what he was saying; I slowly begin to sink lower and lower into darkness and eventually Oli would disappear from my sight. My parents kept close watch again when I slept because I would always end up screaming and waking them up just like before. I couldn’t help it, I didn’t know I was dreaming or screaming, it was out of my control, my heart just couldn’t bare to be apart from him.
My parents started to worry about me, they were afraid that I was falling back into depression again and mentioned calling my old therapist and putting me back on medication… but they just didn’t get it, even after all this time they still didn’t realise Oli was my medication…
We’ve come too far in the last 18 months not to fight for us… but I guess what I did was unforgiveable…and I don’t blame him for not wanting to have anything to do with me… I needed a bloody miracle to be apart of his life again.
The hole in my chest would beg for him everyday, just like before… but this time around it felt twice as painful. Last time Oli disappeared, I didn’t know if he were ever coming back…but this time he’s here but he just doesn’t want anything to do with me because of what I did. This was worse, because I broke him even worse than before, I had no right to cry for him, this was my doing; I deserved every little pain I felt.
I texted Tom the number of Oli’s therapist, I knew he would need to see her as soon as possible, she was the only one that could help him now…

I left work, miserable as ever... I just wanted to go back home to him.
Without Oli I just can’t stand it… I couldn’t stand to go back home and have suffered another sleepless night without him. I just can’t function without him; I needed to see him…at least one more time to say goodbye.
I will go to the only place where I can be with him again…
I pushed past an icy branch of a tree and stepped into the field and of course, I was met with disappointment and hurt by his absence.
Our secret place; the field was thick with snow and emptiness… the beauty it once held was dead, every beautiful living thing in the field was lifeless, just like our relationship…
We both hadn’t come here for awhile, being winter we just thought it would be too much of a hassle for us to walk through the snow and not be able to enjoy as much as we did in the spring and summer, so we decided not to go until the weather cleared up.
My hand clung to the necklace which rested over my tortured heart; the hole was just tearing me apart, nearly making it impossible for me to breathe. I was frozen still, staring ahead of me, my mind running through the once happy memories we shared here, it was kind of like a fairytale. I didn’t really know what to expect by coming here; I should have known he wouldn’t be here, I should have know the field and his absence would have just cause me unbearable pain by being here…but for some reason I thought if I came here I would see him again.
A tear strolled down my cheek and despite the pain I was in; I managed to push myself forward and trudged through the white sheet of snow.
The field didn’t have what I was searching for but maybe the river did; maybe I could find him there.
But of course he wasn’t…my heart was playing tricks on me, believing he would actually be here waiting for me… There was nothing special about this place without him here.
The river had been completely frozen over; icicles hung above my head on the braches of the bare trees, the floor glisten in beautiful glitter snowflakes… it felt like winter had killed everything, even me and Oli.
I stood on the very edge of the river; remembering what happened last time I was here without him… I closed my eyes and let out a sigh, he should have just let me drown, then we both would have been saved from this horrid heartbreak we’re in now.
I need to face reality and I need to let go of Oli so he can finally be happy… together or apart we just destroy each other… I was foolish to believe the last 18 months would have stayed perfect forever…
“This is the end of you and me, we had a good run and now I’m setting you free, to do as you want, to do as you please, without me…”
My heart ached at the true words I spoke.
There was a violent gust of wind, taking me off guard making me wince from the bitter freezing cold. The wind blew my scarf off from around my neck, landing half way across the frozen river.
“Just great!”
I cursed.
This is all I bloody needed right now.
Not being in the mood for anything, not even to think… I lightly place my foot on the ice, hearing it crunch quietly beneath me. As the ice didn’t break, I manage to put more of my weight down onto my foot and slowly placed the other foot a few inches in front.
I stood completely still, waiting for the ice to collapse from under me…but it didn’t. I was satisfied that the ice was thick and strong enough to hold me, I slowly walked over to where my scarf layed.
But the further out to the river I got, the louder the crunches of ice below me got too. I was inches away from my scarf when there was a sudden crack in the ice making collapse to my hands and knees in sudden panic.
“Fuck!”
I was in complete fear of my life; my eyes searched the ice below me to check for any major cracks. There were several…I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to make it back to safety, the ice has become way to thin and weak to be able to hold my weight anymore.
Holy fuck, it’s only a stupid scarf! Was it really necessary to risk my life for it?!
But that’s the thing, I didn’t walk out here to get back my scarf, not really…I walked out here to finish what I started 18 months ago… the death of the river I once faced.
“Josh!”
I heard the voice I’d craved all week for call out my name… I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, until I took a brief look behind me to double check I weren’t actually going crazy… but it was actually him!
He was kneeling down on the stepping stones not far from me; his face was filled with distressed.
“What the fuck are you doing on the ice?!”
“Oli just go away!”
I didn’t want him to see me like this, not when I was about to meet my fate…
“Josh!”
“Oli please, it’s too late to save me…just save yourself, just go and be happy!”
The ice would crack at any sudden movement of mine; it could take me at any second… I didn’t want Oli to be here when it did, why can’t he just leave me!
“What are you even talking about?!”
“It’s true what they say, if you love someone then you should set them free…and that’s what I’m doing, I’m setting you free… now just go, get out of here!”
I started to lose my temper with him.
“Do you really think it’s that easy, for me to just walk away and forget you…?”
“You did once before…”
His eyes widen in shock at my reply.
“How can you even bring that up again…like it was that easy for me to leave you the first time?”
“I’m sorry for destroying us…again.”
My voice went low as the tears landed on my gloved hands…I was shaking like a leaf, making the ice crack loudly beneath me.
“Josh please just take my hand!”
Oli shouted at me as he stretched out his hand towards me but I refused him.
I shook my head.
“Josh please!” he begged.
What was the point? We only tear each other apart… like he said before, we probably are just better off dead…
“I-I love you.”
“No, don’t you dare say goodbye to me!” he screamed.
I was shaking with complete fear and heartbreak; the cracks in the ice only grew bigger around me, it will only be a matter of seconds now till it’ll finally collapse from beneath me.
I stared long and hard through my teary vision down at the ice, and that’s when I saw his face.
Instead of seeing my own reflection, I was Oli’s.
He was pounding hard against the ice from under me, screaming for help but there was nothing I could do, the ice was keeping us apart from each other…
My nightmare!
In my nightmare it was me who was drowning, it was me who saw Oli pound hard against the other side of the ice, as he screamed down to me… helpless to save me as I sunk to the ice cold floor… but in reality it would be a different ending.
I would drown when the ice would collapse and Oli will jump in and try to save me but he would get trapped under ice, begging for air by pounding against the ice, and I will be the helpless one to save him because I would have already drown… I will kill him as well as myself…
“Marry me Josh!”
Oli’s words snapped me out of my terrifying hallucination.
“W-what?”
“I’m asking you to marry me...”
Did he really just say that?
Our eyes locked and we fell deep into thought with each other… after everything I’ve done to him… he wants to marry me? But what I did was unforgiveable; I don’t deserve him, I deserve to die.
My eyes left his and I was face with the broken ice again.
“If you really love me like you say you do Josh, you will jump to me!”
My eyes met with his again; was he was serious? Of course I love him; the reason why I’m here is because I can’t stand to be away from his love.
I saw the fear in his eyes, the fear I saw once before…when I told him I made his mother disappear…
I could never put him through that pain again or risk seeing the last hope leave his eyes again.
He still loves me… and he wants to marry me?
Was this a reason to start again? I guess I will never find out if I don’t jump…
I took in a deep breath.
Okay, I can do this; I’m going to jump to him.
Without a second thought, I closed my eyes tight and pushed up with all my strength and jumped towards Oli.
My legs fell through the stone cold ice but my body fell into Oli’s arms. I let out a loud cry of shock when my body was met with the unexplainable freezing cold water.
Oli panicky dragged me out of the icy water with all his strength; collapsing to the ground as he wrapped me in his arms as we both shook and cried together.
“Don’t you ever fucking do that to me again Josh! I love you so much, I can’t bare to lose you again…I just can’t!” he sobbed into my hair, holding me tightly to his chest.
This scene was all too familiar… 18 months ago we were right here in this very same spot, gasping for air in each others arms; Oli had saved my life yet again.
How could I ever be without him?
I’ve never been so cold in all my life but yet there was nowhere else id rather be than in his arms, hearing him say he loves me.
“Y-yes.” My teeth shattered.
“Yes what?” he mumbled.
“Yes I will marry you.”
My eyes flickered up to see his pale white face; a little husky laugh left his lips as he shook his head down at me; before placing a soft kiss on my trembling lips.
“I love you Josh.” He whispered.