We're Young and in Love

Wake Up.

Part 2: Oli's P.O.V

My body and mind complete froze.
Did he really just say that?
Please, please, please tell me he didn’t just admit to sleeping with Vic?
No that’s not possible, not my Josh… he’s just joking, right?
I glanced down at Josh, waiting for him to burst out laughing and say it was just a stupid joke but then I saw the tears roll down his cheeks and thats when reality sunk in, letting a tear escape my eye.
Josh got up from the sofa and tried to wrap his arms around me but I snapped and jumped away from him.
“Don’t touch me!” I hissed.
Not this time! I won’t give into his cuddles, or his sweet talk, or his beautiful smile…Not after he’s been with him… I didn't want his dirty hands touching me knowing they've been all over Vic.
It felt like there was a rock weighing down my heart, a feeling I felt too often in the past.
I needed to get out of here, I felt sick and dizzy… and a horrid panic attacking was forming. I started to feel hot and sweaty and suddenly all claustrophobic standing in this house with him.
This isn’t happening to me.
“I…I need to get out of here… I need some air.” I chocked, feeling everything start to get all too much.
“Okay, let’s go for a walk.” Josh says, reaching for my hand but I backed away from him.
“No! Just leave me alone!”
I didn’t want him anywhere near me! I couldn’t think, I didn’t know what to think, I was so confused… the love of my life had just crushed me to pieces.
I pushed past Josh, grabbing my coat as I ran out the front door.
What the fuck is happening?! I could hardly breathe, it felt like someone had just stabbed me in the chest, my mind felt like it was going to explode, waterfalls poured from my eyes, this has to be a dream… there is no way Josh could do this to me.
I was absolutely heartbroken.

My wet feet came to a stop in the slushy snow, as I stood by the gate of the playground. The one place I always ran away too to get away from things...
I glanced towards my usual seat on the swings and saw Vic sitting on one of the swings with his head in his hands, his presence angered me… how dare he be here, this was mine and Josh’s personal space, he has no right to be here! I marched my way over to him ready to give him a piece of my mind.
Vic obviously heard me approaching him and looked up, I noticed his face was covered in blood… this explains the state of Josh’s hand…they were here together. The thought only angered me more.
I’m not a violent person, all my life I have been beaten down and I never had the guts to fight back my father, but I’ve never wanted to hurt someone so much like I wanted to hurt Vic right now… My hands curled into fists and the tears didn’t stop strolling down my face…I just snapped and charged straight at Vic, pushing him backwards off the swing before he even had time to react.

“How fucking dare you!” I screamed to him.
We were squabbling on the ground in the snow, completely ignoring how cold the floor was; I didn’t care, I just wanted him to pay for what he’s done to me. I got in a few kicks and punches but Vic is a lot stronger than I am and managed to sit on top of me, pinning my wrists above my head leaving me completely vulnerable and unable to move, I struggled to get out of his hold which only angered me more because I couldn't move.
“Let go of me!” I screamed.
“Calm the fuck down first!”
I growled in frustration, who the fuck is he telling to calm down?! He’s ruined everything! After a few minutes of not giving up trying to squirm my hands free, his grip finally loosen around my wrists as he notice me struggling and when he did, I aggressively pushed him off me.
He tried to kneel up from the ground to get away from me but I grabbed hold of the end of his coat to pull him back down again, but Vic pulled it out of my grip making his coat ride up slightly, revealing several fresh scratch marks on his back.
My eyes widen in shock as my heart sunk through my chest, there was only one person who could have done that to him…
Vic saw my face and shifted around in his coat, trying to hide them from me, but it was too late I’d seem them.
“Are… are they from Josh?” I stuttered as I tried to stand up.
“Yes.” He ducked his head.
I let out a ragged gasp…it was true. Even though Josh admitted it, apart of me didn’t believe him.
My body felt faint, I grabbed hold of one of the chains of the swings, as I stumbled slightly, it was the only thing keeping me from falling back down again.
All I had was disgusting images of Vic's back and the two of them doing what they did last night swimming around in my mind and all I could do is blame myself for it all.
I left, so therefore this was my punishment... but when was it all going to stop? surely I suffered enough?
“Why do you keep torturing me with him?” I wept.
“I love him.”
I grimaced at his words; I hated him having feelings for Josh, his feelings felt like some sort of punishment to me... especially when he mentioned the L word.

“Is this some sort of punishment? Punishment for leaving you all those years ago…?” I asked timidly, afraid to even ask but I needed to know why he was doing this to me.
“You just left. No goodbye, no explanation, no fucking reason why… you just disappeared, as if you never existed…”
I continued to stand with my back to him; I couldn’t even look at him… I had no idea what to say… he was about to reopen wounds I couldn’t handle.
“You had no idea how much you fucking hurt me!”
“Like you needed me! You had your precious Kellin and Claire… I was just someone who was in the way…” I say, pulling away from the swing and finally facing him.
“Of course I needed you! You didn’t stick around long enough for me to explain everything to you… explain that Claire was dying, I was fucking in love with you but how could I just walk out on her when she was dying?!”
I saw the sadness in his dark brown eyes but I only shook my head as my eyes met the ground.
“You didn’t love me…” I whispered, cos I honestly believe he didn't. but my answered made Vic lash out at anger, making me flinch back slightly.
“Yes I fucking did! But it was always about you, sad old Oli, the one who was always in trouble and in desperate need of my attention…I couldn’t keep up with you, you were fucking impossible!”
“It wasn’t like that…”
“Yes it was and you know it! Threatening to kill yourself in front of me wasn’t enough for you was it? You had to go one step further and completely cut me out of your life, making me believe you were actually dead! Do you get some sort of kick out of torturing people or something?!”
That hurt. I don’t torture people… its more like the other way around.

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it again, the past was my biggest enemy and I knew it would only come back and bite me twice as hard if I argued with it.
“Is that why you left Josh? Is that why you broke his heart into a million pieces? He wasn’t giving you enough attention so you thought you’d leave for six months, knowing when you returned he would refuse to leave your sad pathetic side?”
“Don’t you dare bring him into this; you know nothing about why I left him!” I gritted through my teeth, he was taking this too far now.
He let out a little laugh.
“I guess Josh had it easy, six months without you is nothing compared to the three years I’d suffered!”
“I didn’t mean to leave…”
“But you did leave and your plan failed… well, I should thank you really, because of your absence it brought me and Josh together. You leaving me, you leaving him… it made us fall in love…”
He was sticking the or in.
Not only about them being in love with each other but I was the reason why they both ended up in therapy… I literally forced them together.
I didn’t mean to leave like I did… or stay away for as long as I did either… with both of them.
No one had ever cared or shown interest in me…not ever. I’ve been hurt and let down all my life, I hated the thought of getting close to anyone, I didn’t know how to handle being loved… it would freaked me out and I couldn’t cope with the pressure as well as everything else which was happening to me.
So I did what I do best and just simply disappear… it was better for everyone that way.
But with Josh it was different, I just couldn’t stand being away from him… everyday was a desperate struggle without him, it was like I had lost a limb or something. I left because I was angry… and a coward.
He got too close and he hurt me in away I didn’t believe was possible, he got to close to me and my personal life… my mum. Instead of being a man and trying to sort things out, I left… At the time I thought I needed my mum more than I needed Josh. It wasn’t until six months later when I couldn’t find her…when I couldn’t take the excruciating pain in my chest as it begged for her everyday…but it wasn’t for her it was for Josh. unfortunately, I only realize until I saw him again… until I saw him try and take his own life…
I knew then I couldn’t live without him.
It took me six months to realise, the whole time I thought I needed my mother to save me but really I needed Josh.
Every time I drop the blade from my hand it was because I saw his face, every time I failed to end my life was because I saw his beautiful smile, every time I closed my eyes I would hear his sweet soft voice… it was always him. So how can I lose him now after everything?

Josh had told me awhile ago that he doesn’t have feelings for Vic anymore; he was nothing more than a friend he said… last night clearly must have been a stupid drunken mistake… I wasn’t going to let Vic have the last laugh, Josh is mine.
“Don’t get your hopes up Vic, you’ve only had a drunken one night stand with him.”
“You don’t think it won’t happen again?”
He raised an eyebrow, questioning me making me frown.
I stared deep into his eyes as a crooked smile appeared on his lips.
“You know he loves me.” he says smiling and I almost lash out at him again but I don't.
“No he doesn’t!”
“If it’s not true then why are you getting so worked up about it huh? If he doesn’t love me then why does he keep letting me in? Why can’t he stand to be away from me? Why was there such chemistry when we made love? Because me and Josh are meant to be together whether he’s with you or not!”
“You’re sick!”
I was absolutely disgusted with him!
He doesn’t even care that he cheated with my boyfriend let alone his own! He’s just a spoilt little bastard who won’t stop until he gets what he wants…even if it means destroying someone else’s relationship.
Man, I fucking hate him! I really do fucking hate him! I hate how hes manage to make his way back into my life, I should have known this was all a big mistake, that something like this was bound to happen but no, I did nothing because I knew how much he meant to my pigheaded ex boyfriend of mine! Ugh, whats wrong with me?!

“When you're done wrecking your pretty little brain, I do have a question for you.” Vic says breaking the silence, I was curious to what he wanted to ask me but I didn’t want him to know that, I’m sure he was gonna ask me either way, so I just stood there waiting for him to spit it out.
“When you left all those years ago, did you ever think about me?”
His voice was low and more pleasant but his questioned really shocked me… I never expected him to ever asked me something like that... something so personal.
Once I let his questioned sink in, I glanced up at him and suddenly so many memories of me and him came rushing back... Of course I missed him, we were once close.
“Y-yeah…” I say, pulling my eyes away from him.
“Then why didn’t you come looking for me again? Did I really mean nothing to you?”
I shrugged my shoulders, I felt really uncomfortable talking about this... it happened so long ago why did he even want to know? I sigh but answered him anyway.
“I didn’t want to go back and relive the past again.”
“But you went back for Josh.”
“Yes.”
“Why? What does he have which I didn’t?”
I didn't even have to think twice at that, I knew since the very first day I met Josh, I just knew we were forever.
“You should already know that… you love him yourself.”
I saw tears enter his eyes but he refuse to let my words get to him. We were both madly in love with the same guy; we knew what Josh was like, hes special and not the kind you want to walk away from... man, it was exhausting playing these stupid games all the time.
It’s just Josh, why are we fighting over a guy for? but then again, its my beautiful Josh though.
“He loves me.” I murmured to him, finally answering Vic's silent question.
“But I loved you too.” He chocked.
I frown and I shook my head.
“Not like Josh.”
He let out a deep gasp of air; he was trying so hard not to cry in front of me… this was heartbreaking to go through.
All my anger and hatred was soon replaced with hurt and guilt, talking about past feelings wasn’t what I expected to talk about. I couldn’t bare talking about that far back in the past… I was really messed up in those days, I hate to relive them…I wasn’t well, I hated everything and I took and did things I deeply regret now…but it helped me get through life at the time… Vic, well, he was just there... someone who made the past a little less depressing.

“Remember when we kissed?”
My eyes widen in shock as I whip my head round to look at Vic. His question knocked me off guard; fuck I really don’t want to go into all that…
“That was a very long time ago…” I trailed off.
“I remember as if were yesterday…Why did you kiss me?”
An awkward silence past; I bite my lip and just hid in my coat, I really don’t want to talk about this… it was so long ago and I was so messed up… I don’t really know why I kissed him. It was at such a low point in my life, i was screaming for help but no one came to help me, so I disappeared from everyone around me.
“I was saying goodbye…”
“And you did the exact same thing to Josh didn’t you?
His tone had turned spiteful and I knew he was going to use it against me so I argue back.
“I love that boy to pieces and you’ve fucking destroyed everything we have!”
“Who are you trying to fool? You’ve never loved him or me or anyone or anything in your whole entire life Oliver… and deep down inside you know that’s the truth.”
That’s not true…I do love Josh and my little brother, I am capable of loving people… but I guess I’m not capable of being loved. I’m just sad old Oli… no one has never really loved me have they? My mum left me, my dad never loved me, my brother barely knows me and Josh says he loves me but how can he really love me when he’s in love with somebody else?
I started to get desperate; I can’t risk losing Josh again I just can’t, apart of me knew Vic could get Josh whenever he wanted… one way or another.
I began begging Vic, not realising I was giving him power over me and Josh.
“I’m sorry for leaving and for hurting you all those years ago but please Vic I really do I love him, please don’t take him away from me.”
“You know it will only be a matter of time before you leave him again.”
“I won’t…I haven’t… I’ve stayed with him all this time haven’t I? I promised I wouldn’t leave again.” I sobbed.
"You always leave Oliver, its what you do."
I shook my head, I used to leave, but not anymore, I'm not going to leave Josh again, I promised him!
“Like your ever gonna forgive him now anyway, he slept with me remember and I must admit the sex was pretty damn great, I doubt he’s ever gonna go back to you.”
That was the last straw, I couldn't take anymore of this dickhead ripping me apart and using the one person I truely love against me and out of nowhere, I punched him in the face making he scream out with pain, I probably didn’t do as much damage as Josh did but it was something! And I felt pretty good too!
“You’re welcome to each other!” I screamed at him.
Why was I grovelling? They both should be on they’re fucking hands and knees begging for my forgiveness! Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t leave again?! They were both welcome to each other, I can’t deal with this, I’m so done with both of them now.
Fuck this love shit, i'm so done.

~~~~

I stood outside the flat for a few moments before entering; I was trying to pull myself together, I didn’t want to show any sign of weakness, I had to be strong.
I finally plucked up the courage to go inside; I stood with my back against the door.
Josh was at my side in seconds, his face filled with worry expecting answers but I gave him nothing and turned to Tom.
“Tom, could you give me and Josh a moment?”
“Sure, I’ll be in the kitchen.” he says getting from the sofa and walking into the kitchen.
We stood in silence, neither one of us not daring to say the first word… but Josh eventually did.
“Oli I’m so sor…”
“Don’t.” i say holding my hand up, i really didn't want to hear it.
“Please let me explain, I never got to tell you the whole story.”
I felt the tears start to run down my cheeks as I felt myself start to fall apart, fuck, I needed to stay strong!
“I... I don’t know who you are anymore…” I confessed.
“Please don’t say that!”
“My Josh wouldn’t do this to me…” I tried sniffing the tears back. But it was true; I really didn’t know who he was. The boy I fell in love with wouldn’t have done this to me.
“Oli please! I’m still yours, you know who I am, you do!”
“No, I don’t…”
“Baby please let me explain, it’s not what you think…I was drunk, I had no idea what I was doing…Vic ma…” I cut him off mid sentence.
“Don’t even say his name!” I shouted at him, making him hang his head in guilt.
The thought of Josh saying his name made me sick to my stomach.
“I’m…I’m sorry.”
“Your sorry won’t save us Josh…”
He looked back up at me in shock, like he already knew this was over.
“Please baby, please let me explain.”
I shook my head, refusing to look at him. What was the point in letting him explain? So he could sugar coat what really happened and make me think differently about the whole subject and take him back?
I promised him so many things, I’ve changed so much for him and he just throws it back in my face… no wonder why I fall back into old habits so easily…
“I promised you to always put you first… before my family, before the blades… but your always going to let him in, your always going to let him ruin us… and this time its gone too far.”
I saw the panic spread across his face.
“I… I didn’t mean to…he’s my friend… I mean, I didn’t mean it to go this far.”
We both stood crying silently to each other; the situation was incredibly awkward and unbareable, I had nothing else to say to him.
Well nothing more than what needed to be done… the words lingered on my lips… I started to shake.

“Erm… I think its best if we have some time apart from each other…”
Josh shot a horrifying look at me; I can’t believe I just said that to him… I don't want to see his heartbreak but he broke mine…what am I suppose to do? He destroyed everything with had.
I know that this might break me, and I know that this might make me cry, but I gotta say what’s on my mind. I know that this might hurt me, break my heart and soul inside… but I don’t want to live this life… I don't want to keep being second best when it comes to Vic. I’m done with this.
“You…you want me to leave?” his voice cracked, making me wince.
I hid away in my coat, my eyes refusing to leave the ground; I knew if I looked at him I would burst into tears but I refuse to show him any weakness.
We haven’t left each others side in the last 18 months and now suddenly we’re going to be apart from each other… I don’t even know how long for… maybe even forever?
My heart sunk through me… I was about to fall to pieces.
Without another word, Josh ran into our room where I heard him burst into tears, I was trembling; I couldn’t bare to hear him in pain but my feet were frozen to the floor.
I bit down hard on my bottom lip, trying my very best not to crumble and die at this moment. I couldn’t fall apart, not yet, if I did we would get nowhere…I had to wait till Josh left.
Josh appeared back in the room with a packed bag, I hadn’t move from the same place he left me. I took a quick glance over at him, which I regretted instantly…I felt the tears appear in my eyes but I only bit down harder on my lip to hold them back for a little bit longer.
Why won’t he just leave? He’s torturing me by just standing here!
“I’ll be at mum and dads…” he sobs.
“P-please don’t text or call me… I want to be on my own…”
I managed to string a sentence together without falling apart, no matter how painful it was to get past my lips; he had to know I wanted to be alone.
He stepped towards me but I stepped back instantly, I knew if he managed to get his arms around me I would crumble and give in.
“Oli?”
I felt my lip quiver at his sad cry, I couldn’t hold it in any longer… the tears overflowed my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.
“Please, just go.” I chocked out before covering my face with my hands.
I didn’t want to break in front of him, why can’t he just go already?

As soon as he closed the front door behind him I burst into tears and collapsed to the floor. Fuck, did I really just tell him to leave me?
What the fuck is happening?! My heart felt like it been ripped from my chest… that could be the last time I ever see him… fuck fuck fuck!
My breathing became out of control, this feeling was unbearable to handle.
I was clinging onto the arm of the sofa; I had no strength to move my body, it felt like everything in me was actually breaking.
“Oliver!”
Tom came running back into the room, wrapping his arms around me as he tried to pull me away from the sofa but I refused to let go.
After about half an hour of clinging onto the sofa, I finally let go, allowing Tom to scoop me up in his arms and carry me into my bedroom, placing me on my bed.
I was hoping to be met with a familiar comforting smell of my boyfriend’s skin but all my stuffy block nose manage to breathe in, was the clean freshness of clean sheets.
I shot up in panic as I stared back at the sheets.
“No, I can’t sleep here! I… I can’t…!” I buried my face in my hands and began to cry hysterically.
He might have changed the sheets but its still the same bed… the same bed where they had they’re disgusting dirty little way with each other less than 24 hours ago…
The image wouldn’t leave my mind; I started hitting my head with my fists wanting the horrid sight to disappear but they wouldn't, that was all I could see in this bed now. it was disgusting, they were disgusting, I felt disgusting!
“Oliver calm down, its okay…I’m here.” Tom pulled my hands away from my head so I wasn;t hitting myself anymore but I just shook my head violently.
“I can’t sleep here!” I let out a loud sob.
Tom hugged me tight and slowly picked me up in his arms again and placed me back on the sofa.
He didn’t leave my side, he pulled the duvet over us and held me close to his chest refusing to let go of me as I continue to tremble and break in his arms.

~~~~

I was in the bathroom, staring endlessly into the mirror as my finger tips traced over my bloodshot swollen eyes, I haven't been able to stop crying so now my eyes were basically red raw. I suddenly heard a loud but muffled noises coming from the living room, causing me to pull away from the mirror.

“Where is he?!” an unfamiliar voice screamed.
“Hey! You can’t just come charging in here!” I knew that was Tom but not sure on the other voice.
Josh must have come back home… but why? I told him to stay away, why doesn’t he listen to me?
I huffed and peeked my head around the bathroom door, only to have Mike take me by complete surprise and come charging towards the bathroom.
“Josh!” he screamed kicking the bathroom door open and I literally froze in fear as this all felt so familiar.
Mike grabbed me by the shirt and pinned me up against the wall, slamming my back against it, I was absolutely terrified.
“Where is he Sykes? Where the fuck is Josh?!”
I shook my head as I trembled beneath his grip.
No matter what Mike does to me, I’m not going to tell him where Josh is. I wouldn't do that to him.
“Let go of him!”
Tom was trying to get Mike off of me but failed, we had no chance.
“Do you both get some sort of crack out of terrorising my brother?! Have you seen the state of him?”
Mike slammed my back into the wall again; I let out a little cry of pain… but why? This was nothing compared to what I was used too... i've had so much worse before.
But yet it’s been 2 years since I’ve been physical abuse by my father…but it felt like it never stopped…like it was only yesterday I took full blow of his back hand… being beaten to a pulp like I was some dog… I deserved everything I got.
“Mike stop it, your hurting him!” Tom screamed.
“Tell me where the fucker is, then I’ll let go of him!”
Tears were streaming down my face in complete fear; I shook my head violently at Tom, begging him not to tell Mike where Josh was…this will only end badly.
"Well?!" Mike screamed.
“He’s gone back to his parent’s house!” Tom shouted back and I instantly feared for Josh.
No! Tom why?!
Mike smirked before throwing me to the bathroom floor, making me land badly on my elbow. I was way too frighten to do anything about it, I just curled up into a ball on the floor hoping he wouldn’t hit me.
“Consider yourself lucky Oli!”
Lucky? This is what I get for trying to protect my ex boyfriend who I’m still madly in love with… I didn't feel lucky, I felt even more broken than I did before.

~~~

I literally jumped out of my skin on the sofa as the front door came to a halt by the chain on the door; panic flooded through me, I thought Mike had came back to have a second go at me but I was met by Josh’s sweet but panicked voice.
“Oli baby it’s me, you don’t have to be afraid… please take the chain off the door.”
My heart wrenched at the sound of his voice… he sounded like he was okay but I still couldn’t bare to see him.
I shook my head at Tom as the tears fell from my eyes yet again.
“I can’t…” I whispered to him before pulling the duvet over my head and burring my face into the pillow.
“Oli!”
The tears started to fall harder at his second desperate cry for me, it was ripping me apart. Tom must have sense how uncomfortable it was making me and rushed to door.
“Don’t you think you’ve caused enough damage as it is? He doesn’t want to see you!”
“Tom please, I need to see him, I need to see if he’s okay!”
“It’s too late for that now Josh, why don’t you go running back to your other boyfriend instead!”
This was absolutely killing, why is he here? Doesn’t he understand how much he’s hurting me just by being here? I told him to stay away.
Oskar was now barking like mad, of course he knew it was Josh at the door, he wanted his second daddy…I couldn’t breathe, my face was smothered deep in the pillow as I cried deeply, I needed to drown them out…
I placed my hands over my ears and tried to drown them out.
“Oli please! Please let me in!”
I heard the dooe slam shut and Tom was back at my side in seconds, he just about manage to pull me away from the pillow and rest my head in his lap, where I continued you to cry hysterically.
“Its okay Oliver he’s gone.”
He lied.
He will never be gone; he will stay with me forever… torturing me, just like before… This is how it is and will always be.

~~~

I hadn’t left the sofa for days; my vision was locked on the ceiling above me, tears continued to leak from my eyes, my mind was lost in another world… a world of heartbreak.
I couldn’t move; I didn’t have the strength to move anymore.
I hadn’t want to cut myself so much like I wanted to do now… but I’d thrown my blades away months ago… of course it was easy enough to find any sharp object to do the job, I was more or less an expert when it came to that to be honest… my body cried for a blade against my skin, I felt so desperate, I needed a blade now. But I was weak… I hadn’t eaten or slept in days, my body was running on empty there was no chance I was leaving the sofa any time soon… but I was ready to take my last breath.
I promised Josh I wouldn’t…
Josh.
Why is it whenever I’m lost in my sick disturbed suicidal thoughts, he always enters my mind? Like he’s my guardian angel trying to save me or something… he’s the one whose put me in this mess, I don’t want him saving me!
But now all my thoughts drift away to summer days, when I see his face, he’d always smile at me, I always felt so safe…
My heart begged for those precious days back, I needed his smile… No! Why does this always happen?! His smile and kindness always torturing my mind! I don’t want him anymore; I need to learn to forget him! But instead I just lie here and think of him… every time I close my eyes I see his face, keeping my eyes open and my mind is constantly on him, there’s no escape!
I do my best not to want him but I do all the time… I have this aching pain to hear his voice, all the time…just to know he’s there, keeping me safe.
I feel so lonely by myself, for many years all I’d ever felt was loneliness … but after meeting Josh I didn’t feel that anymore. And now he’s gone I’m met with another long lost friend of mine.

~~~

“Oliver?” I heard a faint voice call my name.
I blinked a few times; a soft feminine voice was breaking me out of my thoughts.
“Oli can you me?”
For the first time in days my eyes broke away from the ceiling and flutter to the voice across from me.
My eyes were still blurred from tears, but I just about made out who was there… Tom, my therapist Karen and a nurse…who had a needle in my arm. My first reaction would have been to panic and jump away but my mind and body was too weak for that. What was going on?
“Oli, it’s nice to see your finally back with us. How are you feeling?”
I was so confused, how long was I out for? my hand grabbed my throat, it was as dry as sand paper, I couldn’t speak.
“You must be feeling a little confused, you went into shock for a couple of days.”
Shock? I felt so numb.
My eye lids felt heavy, I blinked several times to try and focus them properly.
“Oli I understand you must be tired but could you try and say something for me please?” Karen kindly pleaded.
And I said the only thing my body wanted.
“Josh.” I chocked out, frowning slightly at how rusty my voice sounded.
But all I wanted was Josh.
I closed my eyes tight as I buried my face in the pillow and sobbed; it was the first sort of pain I had felt in days… why did they disturb me? I was fine not feeling anything at all! Why are they forcing me to go through this pain, it isn’t fair I can’t take it!

~~~

I woke.
I feel asleep? I hadn’t slept in days… and now I felt even worse than I did without sleep. Whatever that nurse injected into me I really wished she didn’t.
My eyes were swollen and sore from endless tears, I don’t think I’m capable of shedding anymore.
My eyes searched the room, it was empty, everyone who was here before had gone. I stayed curled up as a ball on the sofa, I didn’t want Tom to know I was awake…I just listened to him whom sounded like he was making a cup of tea in the kitchen and talking to Oskar.
When I thought I couldn't feel anymore pain, my hand suddenly grabbed my chest as a ruthless sharp pain appeared in my chest.
I’ve just got this horrible sinking feeling in my heart… its different from the pain I’ve been feeling all week… something’s wrong.
I looked down at my hand on my chest… the little heart charm which was attached to the necklace around my wrist, was resting on my chest... another sharp pain shot through me again.
Josh.
Something was definitely wrong... I could feel it in my heart... I wasn't sure what it was just something inside of me was telling I had to find Josh.
Without a second thought I sat up and scrambled to put my shoes on, I crept to the front door as silently as I could without Tom hearing me and within seconds, I made a run out of the flat. Something just didn’t feel right… something about Josh.

I stumbled to a stop as I struggled to catch my breath as I enter the field.
My eyes search the white lifeless surroundings but soon locked onto the fresh footprints in the snow, he’s been here. Still fighting for my breath, I pushed myself forward and followed the footprints, pushing past all the snow coated branches and carefully watched my step on the icy ground which followed down to the river, I had no time to lose, I needed to him find now.
I finally reached the river but was completely startled by its appearance, all life here was dead.
My heart ached at the absence of Josh, he wasn’t here… then why did my heart tell me something bad was going to happen to him here?
I shook my head, the stupid thing is broken of course its going to play tricks on me. As I turned to walk back to the field, I spotted Josh kneeling on the ice of the river.
“Josh!”
Panic shot through me, what the fuck is he doing?! I slowly climbed onto the icy stepping stones, shaking with complete fear.
“What the fuck are you doing on the ice?!”
“Oli just go away!”
Go away? Is he crazy?! I could hear the ice cracking around him, he could fall through any minute and he wants me to leave him?!
“Josh!” I shouted again.
“Oli please, it’s too late to save me…just save yourself, just go and be happy!”
Too late? One thing I’ve learnt about our relationship is that its never too late... what is he even talking about, its impossible to be happy without him!
“What are you even talking about?!”
“It’s true what they say, if you love someone then you should set them free…and that’s what I’m doing, I’m setting you free… now just go, get out of here!” he shouted.
Set me free? Like it’s that easy to stop loving him… does he even have any idea how I feel? If there were a button I could switch off these feelings I would switch it but there’s not. There’s no escaping my love for him.
“Do you really think it’s that easy, for me to just walk away and forget you…?”
“You did once before…” he mumbled.
I felt my heart sink…he didn’t just say that to me, not again.
“How can you even bring that up again…like it was that easy for me to leave you the first time?”
I knew I would always be haunted from leaving him…but I didn’t care how much it hurt me to hear it, I wasn’t leaving ever again.
“I’m sorry for destroying us…again.”
“Josh please just take my hand!”
I shouted over to him as I stretched my hand out towards him hoping to reach him but I wasn’t close enough. He didn’t even glance at my hand… he was giving up.
“Josh please!” I begged.
“I-I love you.”
“No, don’t you dare say goodbye to me!” I screamed.
I began to completely freak out, he was literally going to lets us die… but how could he? I know he wants to punish himself for what he did but not like this, not end his life… not in front of me!
I felt sick; how can he choose to leave me like this? How can he want to die? I love him and I know he loves me… I know all we ever do is hurt each other but we’re hopeless without each other, we need each other. We’re two broken pieces stubbornly waiting to be placed back together again… but no one is going to fix us for us, we have to do it, we’re the only ones who can.
I love him and I refuse to lose him over this, we can get through this I know we can! I won’t let us die, I just won’t!
I can’t see my life ever without him…and seeing the ice rapidly break around him panicked me and without even thinking I blurted out a mouthful.

“Marry me Josh!”
I was completely shocked by my own words… what the fuck did I just say?! But whatever it was It manage to get Josh’s attention though.
“W-what?” he says shocked.
“I’m asking you to marry me...” it rolled off my tongue so easily the second time.
I said it again, letting the words sink into my mind.
Did I really just ask him to marry me?
Our eyes locked and we fell deep into thought with each other… I didn’t care about anything what happened anymore; it meant nothing to me if it meant I was going to lose Josh.
I was done feeling angry and hurt…I just wanted to put all his horrible agony to an end and just have my boy back in my arms. And yes, I guess I did want him to marry me.
His eyes left mine; I could see he was doubting himself and I couldn't have that, there was no time for it!
“If you really love me like you say you do Josh, you will jump to me!”
His eyes met with mine again.
I was filled with fear, fear that he was going to reject me…I couldn’t deal with that, if he chooses to die today, I will too.
Without any warning Josh jumped towards me. I caught him in my arms but I fell back harshly against the cold icy ground, his legs fell through the ice but I refused to let him fall. I put every little bit of strength I had left in me to pull him up out of the ice cold river.
I had no energy at all, I was completely drained and collapse to the ground with Josh in my arms.
I was a right wreck and shaking like a dog but furious at this stupid boy in my arms.
“Don’t you ever fucking do that to me again Josh! I love you so much, I can’t bare to lose you again…I just can’t!” I cried into his beanie, holding him as tight as I could to my chest, I didn’t want to let him go.
Fuck, here we are again… it wasn’t that long ago I jumped in the river to save him, I hope this doesn’t become a habit… fucking river!
I rest my cheek against his head as we both shook uncontrollably from the freezing cold. His shattering words confused me.
“Y-yes.”
“Yes what?” I mumbled.
“Yes I will marry you.”
His beautiful blue eyes flickered up to mine; they spoke nothing but the truth. I let out a little laugh, we’ve practically just survived another near death experience and he’s agreeing to marrying me? Typical Josh to lighten up the mood, man I love him so much.
I placed a soft kiss on his trembling lips before I spoke back.
“I love you Josh.” I whispered.