We're Young and in Love

Well, I'm Begging On My Knees.

Josh's P.O.V

~ 5 years later ~

Oli started a clothing line called Drop Dead a few years ago and it hit off with a great start. We both didn’t expect it to be as successful as it is, Oli study art back at school and whenever he wasn’t writing music he was doodling in his sketch book which I encourage him to set up an online website where he could sale clothes with his designs on them. It got to the point where it had become so successful and so many customers demanding products my parents stepped in and offered to help manage the company along side Oli. The online shop was then made into an actual shop in Sheffield and had turn into a little family business. Me and Tom also work there, we help with the stock, modelling, marketing and the photo shoots, well, the photo shoot stuff is more down to Tom seeing as he specify in that area mostly. But overall the business was great and we had all become really close as a family, which I loved more than anything.

Oli and I had moved into a two bedroom flat with a little garden in Sheffield not too far from the shop, it was perfect for the both of us. We had been a happily married couple for five years now and I was loving my life with my husband, but as time moved on I wanted mine and Oli’s relationship to move to the next step as well… I wanted to extend our little family, I wanted me and Oli to have kids.

I would do anything to be a dad and I know Oli would love to be a dad too. So after a lot of talking and thinking between me and Oli and the rest of our family, we finally decided that we were both ready to start a family of our own and applied to an adoption agency to hopefully have a child of our own.

The process to even getting your name on the waiting list is almost impossible, they go through every tiny little bit of detail of your life, and believe me they honestly don’t skip anything. At first I must admit, I was nervous because I thought they would judge us for being gay but when they found out we’ve been married for five years, it gave us that little advantage we needed.
After months of questioning and investigating about both our lives and our families the agency finally seemed satisfied, yeah we had to say a few little white lies to back up Oli’s family background, because we feared if the agency found out he was abused when he was younger they would find it as an excuse not to let us adopt a child. But they loved us and agreed to set up a profile and put us on the waiting list and it was all of a waiting game after that.

We got a phone call from the adoption agency three months ago saying we were now top of the list and the next child which suits our profile will be ours.
And of course this had me bouncing with joy like a five year old on sugar rush, I was out buying every baby accessory a child could ever need and more. Oli and Tom thought I was mad but luckily I had my mum to back me up, I swear she was worse than me sometimes, she was so excited to be a grandma.

I would literally run to the phone whenever it rang no matter what time of day if was, hoping it would be the agency saying they had a child for us.
But as the weeks went by, I couldn’t help but feel lost and frustrated, they said finding the right child which fits our profile could take months, sometimes even years… which I couldn’t bare to think about, because they called to say were next on the list, surely it wouldn’t take that long.
Me and Oli wasn’t too picky with our profile, we agreed to a child of the age between a newborn and three years, sex of the child didn’t matter and neither did the race. We were still young but old enough to handle a young child, like how hard can it be to find a beautiful child that needed our love and care? But the days started to turn into weeks and the weeks eventually started to trun into months and I started to have doubts if me an Oli were ever going to get our child.

~~~~~
It was Tuesday evening and my husband and I had just finished dinner and were now being lazy on the sofa. Oli was sat with his laptop on his lap while he was photo shopping a couple of new designs for Drop Dead, while I was lying down on the sofa resting my legs on Oli, one foot behind his laptop and the other in front but he didn’t seem to mind. Oskar was nuzzled into my side, hating the fact there was no room for him to be sat next to Oli so I guess I was second best.
I was staring blankly at the tv not really paying attention to what was on, to be honest I was feeling kinda down.

“What do you think of this design love?” Oli says, turning his laptop towards me so I could see the screen.
“I’m thinking maybe the new logo?”
It looked like some sort of melted heart with a gloomy skull face.
“It’s cool.” I mumbled, sounding really uninterested, but I didn’t mean it to come out like that, I really wasn’t in the mood.
Oli noticed my fed-up mood and stroked my leg in comfort.
“What’s wrong babe?”
I sigh and run my fingers through my hair.
“I just want to know how much longer we’re going to have to wait until the agency call us.”
He looks at me then.
“It takes time Josh.”
“I know but it’s been three months already, what if they’ve forgotten about us?”
“Don’t be silly, they haven’t forgotten us.”
“Maybe I should call them and see what’s going on.”
“Josh don’t do that, the agency will call us when they’re ready.”
“How can you be so calm about this? Aren’t you at least a little bit concerned why it’s taking so long?”
He just shrugged and turned back to his laptop.
His actions irritated me, we’re about to be parents hopefully soon and he’s just acting like he’s not bothered about it at all.
So I ask him dead on what I wanted to know.

“Aren’t you excited to be a dad?”
He remain silent, trying to act like he was too focus on his work but I knew he could hear me perfectly fine, he was choosing to completely ignore me.
I sit up, disturbing Oskar who let out a little growl as I crawled over to Oli’s side. I pulled down his laptop screen to get his attention and he glared at me when I did so.
“Josh I’m working.” He hissed.
“Don’t ignore me Oli. Like I asked you before, aren’t you excited?”
He didn’t look at me then; he tried to hide his eyes behind his stupid adorable flickey curtain parting he had going on. He began biting his thumb nail, an act I know too well, he was feeling uncomfortable and wanted the questions to stop but I wasn’t letting this go, it was far too important and his silence began to annoy me even more.
“Oli?”
“Y-yeah, I am.” He mumbled into his thumb.
“You don’t sound very convincing.” I pointed out the obvious.
“I don’t know what you want me to say Josh.”
“I want you to be excited about starting a family with me.”
“We already have a family, you, Oskar and Tom is more than I can ask for.”
“You said you wanted to have kids with me.”
“I-I know I did because I wanted to make you happy.”
“So you don’t want to anymore?” my voice dropped slightly.
I couldn’t help but feel a little hurt and offended.
He shrugged and that’s when I snapped.
“So you thought you agree to wanting kids to keep me sweet, but when it actually comes down to it you back out last minute?!”
“Guess so.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this!”
I was more than pissed off; I was actually really hurt by his words. I can’t believe that he’s be pretending this whole time, stringy me along through the whole adoption process, we’ve come so far, we’re next in line to have a child and he actually wants to pull out now?! What the fuck has come over him? How can he do this to me, he knows how much I want to have kids, why is he doing this?
I felt a lump form in my throat and I was holding back tears the best I could, I was beyond angry and hurt.

“This.” He says, tracing his finger over my wedding ring.
“And this.” He clutched the heart charm necklace which he’s worn around his wrist for the last five years and looked at me, hooking his finger under my chin so I was looking at him.
“They’re proof of our love, we don’t need a child to complete us babe.”
I let out a loud sob, I couldn’t hold the tears in anymore, I felt so heart broken and I couldn’t believe he’s actually saying this to me.
“Why don’t you want a family with me?” I chocked.
I saw him frown before covering his face with his hand.
“I’m…I’m scared Josh…”
“I’m scared too, it’s okay to be scared.”
“No its not, look how eager you are about being a dad and then look at me, we’re completely different… I’m just not supposed to be a dad.” He whispered.
My heart sunk at his words and I moved closer into his side.
“What? Oli yes you are, don’t say that!”
“It’s true though, you’ve come from a warm loving family whose brought you up right, taught you to be respectable, taught you what’s right and wrong, taught you how to love.
And then there’s me. I’ve never had a proper family, my mother left me and my father abused me… I don’t think I’m capable of having a real family.”
“Yes you are! I believe in you Oliver, I believe you can do this!”
I saw his lip quiver as he took in a shaky breath; he was trying his best not to cry.
He kept quiet and his under his fringe.

“Come on, talk to me, don’t cut me off now.” I encourage him to continue, placing my hand on his shoulder for comfort.
Therapy and five years of marriage had taught me a lot about Oli, I could read him so easily now, I knew when he was scared and uncomfortable and afraid to let out his feelings, but I was going to make him get them out, I had to know what’s going on in his head to back out of the thing I wanted most.

“What if I’m no good… what if I turn out to be just like… him.” He chocks, making my heart ache as he brings up his past.
“No Oliver.”
I place my hands on either side of his face to make him look at me.
“Listen to me, don’t you ever say that! You are nothing like him, you’re ten times the man he ever was. You’re so gentle and kind and full of life, everything he wasn’t and I know, you’re going to be the best dad ever and our child is going to love you to bits.”

His hazel brown eyes were filled with fear, an emotion I hadn’t seen in those beautiful eyes in so many years. He was terrified that he was going to turn out to be just like his despicable father, but I knew Oli was capable of being a great dad, I knew he will never be anything like that disgusting human who claimed to be his father. He just needed to believe in himself, I know he can do this, I know he will be the best dad ever if he just gives this a chance. I’m not going to let him back out of this, I just can’t, we’ve come too far now, it’s all I’ve ever wanted and he knows this.

He leans his forehead against mine and sighs.
“I just want you Josh, my husband, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please baby, I just want you, nothing else.”
I bury my face into his shoulder and let the tears continue to fall, I couldn’t look at him right now, I felt myself falling apart.
“Oli please.” I beg, not lifting my head from his shoulder.
“I want this so much.”
“What’s the rush? We’re only twenty five, we have our whole lives ahead of us… lets wait a few more years yeah?”

I felt him kiss my head as he ran his fingers through my curls, I could feel myself slowly giving into him but I didn’t want to, it was my dream to be a dad, and I knew if I gave into him now and waited a few more years it would never happen.

I gradually turn my head and look up at him, still leaning against his shoulder.
I had to try my best to convince him, I couldn’t give up now.
“I’m just so ready to be a dad, so ready to start a family with you. I love you Oli, please don’t be afraid, I know your going to be great, please baby, don’t give up on this just yet.”
He pulls away from me and shakes his head.
“I’m not ready…”
“Will you ever be ready? I mean, no one is exactly ready to be parents are they? I just know If we don’t do it now Oli, when will we?”
He bites his bottom lip and shrugs.
“I don’t know Josh.”

The room fell silent and I just sat sobbing to myself quietly, I knew I was losing this conversation and I couldn’t bare the thought of my husband not wanting the same thing as me. From the start he said he wanted to have kids with me and now he’s taking it all back. I don’t understand what’s changed? I know he’s scared and that’s only normal but he will get over that eventually, why doesn’t he have the courage to do this with me?

Even though we were sat right next to each other on the sofa, I felt so far away from him. I didn’t know what else to say to him, I practically begged him to give this a chance and he just simply said no. Like that was it, like there was nothing more to say, but I have so many more questions but I chose not to ask why because where would it get me? Oliver hates being questioned and he’s basically written this conversation off as over.

I glare at him through teary eyes, he’s opened up his laptop again and carried on doing what he was doing before this all started, Its like he’s not even bothered at all, like he doesn’t care about the pain I’m feeling right now, he’s being a complete utter dick.
I felt my blood boil and when I was just about to snap and scream at him, my phone rings, breaking the awkward silence and what I was about to do.
I hesitate at first but answer it anyway.
I was so angry and upset I didn’t even bother looking at who was calling and man, I did not expect the incoming call.
It was the adoption agency.
My heart dropped and my hand flew to my mouth in shock as the woman’s words on the other end of the phone were slowly sinking in.
I turn to look at Oli, who then looked up at me, slightly confused.
I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks as I tried to hold myself together.
“You mean… we’re going to be parents?” I sobbed, confirming out loud what the woman had just told me.

Oli’s eyes widen and his mouth dropped open.