We're Young and in Love

I Meet My Fate.

Josh's P.O.V

Ten months later and today is finally the day.
I can’t wait to meet my little girl, it’s been so long and today is the day I finally get to bring her home and call her mine.
Excitement was an understatement to say the least, since Hannah was confirmed she was finally mine, my mother and I haven’t stopped shopping or preparing or gossiping about her coming home. Mum even planned to throw some sort of late baby shower this weekend so everyone could meet the newest member of the family, seeing as we couldn’t have one before hand and well we were both over excited about that too.

I was in the middle of getting ready to pick up my baby girl, I was running back and forth like a mad man making sure I hadn’t forgotten anything, I’ve checked the baby bag at least threes times already, I felt like there was so much to do and I was running out of time. I was currently fitting the baby seat in the back seat of my husband’s Audi, which turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. It wasn’t suitable for a baby at all but it will have to do for now, I’ll look into investing a family car another time but that’s a subject I will leave for another day to discuss with my husband.

Oli and I had barely spoken to each other since the day we signed the last adoption papers. Things were more than awkward between us right now, I’ve barely seen him all week because either I’ve been too busy preparing for Hannah or he’s been avoiding me on purpose. He’s been staying late at the shop, skipping dinner so we wouldn’t eat together and whenever we did speak it soon turned into an argument which only made things worse, he’s even been sleeping on the sofa which to be honest, upset me the most because he practically didn’t want to be anywhere near me, so the last three days we haven’t said a single word to each other at all and it was actually killing me.

I miss him… a lot. I’ve felt so alone these last few days, hes been so cold and harsh, shutting me out whenever I tried talking to him about the situation. Its like he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, like our marriage wasn’t worth saving, our child wasn’t worth a chance, I’ve cried myself to sleep the last two nights because I felt like I was losing him… I just wanted this all to stop and wanted him back by my side where hes been the last 8 years.

As I finish putting everything in the car, I make my way back into the house as it was now time to pick Hannah up.

Oli was standing at the breakfast bar, wearing his Drop Dead burn out hoodie, his messy long hair covering most of his face as he stared down at his laptop. He didn’t even have his shoes on which only irritated me more, I’ve been running round all morning and he’s done absolutely nothing to help me, gosh what is he playing at, doesn’t he realise we’re gonna be late.

“Oli come on, we’re going to be late.” I say, while putting the lead on Oskar.
He doesn’t say anything, which I assume he hasn’t heard me so I walk up to him and lightly rest my hand on top of his, which is actually the first sort of physical contact we've had all week.

“Aren’t you coming with me to pick up our baby girl?”
“I’ve got to go into work.” He says, pulling his hand away from mine and I can’t help but feel offended.
I feel my face drop along with my heart. My hurt is shortly replaced with anger, there’s no way he’s backing out of this, not on this day.
“You’re fucking kidding right?” I snarl, not believing what I’m hearing.
“Josh I have to go, your parents are out of town in a meeting and I have appointment to finalizing these new designs, the shop needs me.”
“I need you!” I scream, backing away from the breakfast bar. How can he do this to me today?!
He doesn’t say anything, just awkwardly stands there, his eyes not leaving his laptop.
“This is the most important thing in our lives right now and you’re seriously choosing to miss it because of work?”
“I’m sorry Josh but I hav-“
“Save it! I don’t wanna hear it! I’ll go pick up our daughter alone then shall I?!” I yell.
“Don’t be like this.”
“Don’t make me sound like I’m the bad guy Oli, I can’t believe your doing this, I know you’re scared about becoming a dad but this is no way to deal with it!”
“What do you know.” He says, rolling his eyes.

I know a lot more than he thinks I do and I wasn’t going to put up with this anymore, he needed to get a grip, get over himself and be a man and face his god damn fears!

“You really think you won’t be a good dad? You’re most likely able to connect with her the most Oli, so please just give her a chance.”
“Stop pushing me Josh!” Oli growls, banging his fist on the kitchen counter, making me jump slightly.

His actions caught me off guard; Oli is far from the violent type so I knew I must be getting to him to make him act like this, so I continue shouting at him hoping something I say will finally sink into that thick skull of his.

“You out of all people should know what it feels to be an unwanted child, so don’t you dare do the same to that poor little girl!”
Oli’s eyes widen, letting a look of disbelief take over his face and I instantly regretted what I said.

“That was low Josh.” He mumbles quietly, turning away from me.

Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that, that was really low of me but I was just so angry I couldn’t stop it from coming out of my mouth… but it was the truth though. He knows far too well what its like to feel unwanted by the people who are meant to love and care for you most and you think he would want to the do the opposite for our little girl, yet he chooses to do exactly the same as his good for nothing parents did to him. I couldn’t understand it!

Watching him hang his head in shame made me want to walk over and wrap my arms around him and apologies for I just said… but I can’t give in to him now, I needed to get through to him. He needs to understand that he can’t do this to me or to our little girl; he’s being so fucking selfish, he needs to understand it’s not all about him anymore, or me for that matter, it was all about Hannah now.

“Please Oli, I’m asking you to do this one thing for me.”
“You’ve asked for enough!” he yells, stepping forwards glaring at me.
“Well don’t do it for me, do it for our little girl!”
“She’s not our little girl!”
“Yes she is! Stop being a fucking prick and man up!”

We were standing inches away from each other now, literally screaming in one an another faces, the argument was getting so heated, I was actually terrified of what the outcome would be because we’ve never argued like this before.

“What the fuck do you want from me Josh?! I’ve given you what you wanted, so what more do you want?!”
“I want you to be a man and step up to be a decent father!”
He chuckles a little, making me frown in confusion.
“You’ve already pointed out that an unwanted child like me isn’t capable of loving anyone.”
“I never said that, don’t you dare start twisting my words!”

I growled, pointing my finger at him. How dare he start putting words in my mouth, I remember all the loneliness and heartbreak he went through from not being brought up in a loving family, so I just pointed out the obvious so he wouldn’t put Hannah through the same thing, that’s all.
And god knows what’s he’s on about saying that he’s not capable of love, we’ve been through this so many times in the past and he knows he loves me and so do I, so god knows what he’s on about.

“That precious little girl needs our love more than anything!”
“She doesn’t need me.”
“Wouldn’t you do anything to be able to hear your mum tell you she loves you?” I shouldn't have mentioned her but I did.
“Stop it.” He whispers.
“Wouldn’t you though?” I press more, knowing I’ve hit a nerve ignoring his glare.
“Josh I’m warning you, shut the fuck up now!”
“No, you need to hear this!”
“You really wanna go there?” he steps towards me, a look in his eyes which I’ve never seen before.
“Fine! Do you remember why I will never hear her say that to me? Because you fucking told her to leave me! You, the one person who’s suppose to love me told her to disappear and never come back! No wonder she fucking killed herself Josh, you probably guilt tripped her into doing it!” he turns away, with tears filling his eyes.

My eyes widen and my mouth drops open in shock as I feel my heart shatter into pieces… never has he ever said such cruel words to me.
I felt the tears rush to my eyes and I can’t help but choke on a sob as I feel the tears roll down my cheeks, and before he could do or say anything else, I just run out of the house, opened the car door, started the engine and put my foot down. I needed to get as far away from my hurtful husband as possible.

I was only driving for about ten minutes when I eventually had to pull over and stop because I was in such a state.
I buried my face into the steering wheel and just cried my eyes out for what seemed like forever, my heart felt like it was actually breaking. Did he really think that I was to blame for his mother’s suicide? Its been years and he hasn’t mentioned a single word to me about his mothers death, he only spoke about it in his therapy sessions, but surely if he really felt like that he would have told me so… wouldn’t he?
This was beyond fucked up, I feel like our marriage is falling apart and I don’t know what I can do to save it… I feel our relationship isn’t how it used to be, we both seem to want different things now, and I can’t help but think it’s all my fault.

I didn’t want to go to the agency on my own, I wanted my husband, I needed my husband… I needed to hear him say he loves me and that he will try and make our family work, I needed him so fucking bad my heart ached.
I was beyond hurt and frustrated, I’ve felt like I’ve hadn’t slept in days and I needed the comfort and support of my husband which he refuse to give me.

How could he do this? I needed him here with me, it’s meant to be the happiest day of our lives, we’re going to be a family but yet we chose to cut each other down. Maybe I was the selfish one… I shouldn’t have forced him into this, he wasn’t ready and now I’ve pushed him away just like I always do. But I wasn’t willing to give up the chance of becoming a dad, I was going to get my little girl and raise her on my own... if I had too.

After a few more minutes going out of my mind, I sat up and wiped the tears away from my face, even though new tears kept falling, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contacts. Oli was right, both mum and dad were out of town in a business meeting so I couldn’t ring them and ask to come with me to the agency, and besides I didn’t want to worry them or question why Oli wasn’t with me.

I sniffed back a few tears as I continued to scroll down my contacts, looking for someone to turn to. And of course, I do what I always do in situations like these, I turn to the one person who never lets me down, my best friend.

~~~~

Oli's P.O.V

When I arrive at the shop I was grateful that Josh’s parents weren’t here as only family knew that were we picking up Hannah today.

I bend down letting Oskar off his lead so he could run round the shop, greeting and annoying everyone as usual.
I nod and smile at a few of my colleagues, trying my best to avoid any eye contact with them so they wouldn’t notice that I’ve been crying.

I go to the front desk, open my laptop and start opening up the new designs; as the files were loading, I let out a sigh and let my mind replay this mornings argument with Josh. Fuck, things are such a mess, I should have gone after him… but what did he expect bringing up my mum, he was basically asking for it. Okay, maybe what I said were out of line and I shouldn’t have brought up the past again but he fucking started it.

I secretly wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him close to me, its been so fucking long, even though it has been me who’s been avoiding him the past week… but I couldn’t bring myself to show him love right now, when will he learn to stop pushing me to do things when I’m not ready? I’ve told him god knows how many times that I’m not ready, that I don’t want this but yet he carries on pushing me into it. I thought if I signed the adoptions papers, give Josh what he wanted he wouldn’t hate me and we would be okay. I thought if I let him have this child he would be happy and that’s all I ever wanted, was to make him happy and if letting him have this child did that, then I would give it to him but I would choose not to be involved.
I wanted my husband and nothing more, that’s all I’ve ever wanted and will always want, nothing will ever stop me from loving him or replace the love I have for him… in my eyes a child would only get in the way or it could even ruin us…

“Hey bro.”
My little brother breaks me away from my thoughts by patting me on the back lightly, placing his bag beside me on the front desk.
I send him a little smile to let him know I’ve heard him but remain silent.
“Aren’t you and Josh supposed to picking up your daughter today?”
“Shh!” I frown, looking round the shop hoping no one heard him.
“What?”
“I have a meeting in 20 minutes, I can’t miss it.”
“Your not serious are you?!”
“Tom don’t start.” I warned him, I wasn’t about to go through all this shit again.
“Look I’ve already had this shit from Josh this morning and I don’t need you adding to it.”
Tom grabs my arm and pulls me into stock room, not caring who saw us.
“Let go of me now!” I grit through my teeth, not wanting to get angry at my brother but I hated anyone who was even a little somewhat violent with me, it only brought back horrid memories…
I yank my arm out of Tom’s grip and he turns and snaps at me.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“Nothing, I just need to be here.”
“Cut the bullshit with me Oliver, why the fuck aren’t you with Josh?”

Over the last five years, me and my little brother have grown very close, he’s like my best friend more than my little brother and besides from Josh, Tom can read me pretty damn well… which wasn’t always great.

“Well?!” he demands.
“I…I…” I stuttered, feeling nervous and angry. I had no idea how to explain this to him, I knew it wouldn’t go down well if he found out how I really felt about the whole adoption.
“Oliver?”
“I just didn’t want to go alright!”
“What do you mean you didn’t want to go?” he raises an eyebrow.
“This is the most important thing in your life right now and you just let Josh go on his own?”
I said nothing, my eyes falling to the floor allowing my silences to answer his question.
“Josh is on his own?! Fuck, Oliver you know as well as I do he’ll be in fucking pieces!”
“Don’t you think I know that?!” I snapped, I felt fucking guilty as sin knowing that I left Josh do this on his own, knowing the state he was in when he left this morning.
I watch Tom pull out his phone, press a few buttons and then put the phone up to his ear and that’s when I suddenly panic.
“What are you doing?!”
“I’m calling Josh.”
“No don’t!”
“Why not?”
My body was shaking with fear, I didn’t want him to call Josh, I didn’t want him to get involve or hear from Josh the real reason why I wasn’t with him. I was afraid my brother would hate and not want anything to do with me anymore.
But I was running out of excuses and out of sheer panic, I blurted out the whole truth to him.
“Because I don’t want to have a fucking kid!”
“W-what?” he says, pulling the phone away from his ear.
Tom looks at me all confused, obviously wanting me to explain myself, but where do I even begin?

I hang my head as I begin to feel my eyes well up, all I could think about was how my childhood turned out and I dread to ever have to go through anything like that again.

“I...I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Try me.”
“You didn’t know what it was like Tom… growing up with that man, every day was a living nightmare. It was like World War III… that’s the family life I’ve grow up believing, like love as a family just destroys everything… especially when I’m involved. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t. It was hell.” I sobbed, trying my best to hold back my tears, but failing.

Tom steps towards me, placing his hand on my shoulder for some reassurance.

“Oliver you have Josh. He’s loved you since the very first day he met you, he tells me the story all the bloody time! He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you or force you into doing something you didn’t want to if he didn’t believe you could do it. Josh is your family and I know full well he wouldn’t do anything stupid if he knew it would destroy your marriage. He obviously thinks your going to be a wonderful father, otherwise would he really do this?”
“What if I’m no good Tom?” I whisper, admitting the truth to him.
“You’re gonna be great.”
“I don’t know how to be a dad, our dad wasn’t exactly dad of the year.”
“No one knows how to be a parent at first, it just happens naturally. You need to stop thinking about the past and look to the future.”

Future? I wasn’t exactly sure if me and Josh had a future anymore… they’re so many unsaid things and so many hurtful things said to one another, our relationship weren’t in the best place right now.
I love him so fucking much and that’s what I can’t stand, I let him in and like always, he’s the only who can hurt me. But I wouldn’t have it any other way because he’s the only one I love and the only one I need to love in my life.
I sigh.

“Josh is the only person I know how to love… I don’t know how to love or care for a child.”
“You love me don’t you?”
“Y-yeah.” I stutter.
“And you will love your daughter the same way you love me, just wait and see Oliver, it will come so naturally.”
I shake my head not believing him.
“I snapped at Josh earlier… its was nothing major, I just hit the kitchen counter in anger… but I’ve never done anything like that before, not ever, dads rubbing off on me… his nasty blood run through my veins! What if one day I get angry at the baby and I do something to her? I could never forgive myself.”

I felt a tear roll down my cheek, hating the fact that vile man was apart of me and he’s the reason why I keep fucking up with Josh… I’m scared of everything, I hate change and a baby is going to be a big fucking change and I know I’m going to screw everything up!

"You will never turn out like him.”
“How do you know? I can’t risk it Tom.” He grabs my face making me look at him.
“Can’t or won’t?”
I just shrug, not bothering to pull away from his hold on me.
“So what now? Your just gonna abandon Josh and throw away everything you have, your marriage, your family, your home? All because you’re letting dad win.”
“I’m not letting him win!” I shout, finally pushing away from his hold.
“Yes you are! Your letting him get inside your head and making you believe you’re not capable of being a good father when me, Josh and everyone else knows you’ll be great.”

I stand staring at him, biting hard on my bottom lip still trying my best not to fall apart in front of him.

“If Josh didn’t think you wouldn’t be any good do you really think he’ll make you go through all this?”

I don’t understand how they can see me being this amazing father figure but I can’t. I can’t because I had no role model to show me how to be a man and a decent farther, my own farther didn’t care about me, he wanted me dead for crying out loud. I’m so scared, I’ve been on my own most of my life and it took me so long to love and let both Josh and Tom into my life… I’m always scared to get close because I’m afraid they’ll leave me. But I also hate being alone… Josh knows this all too well and he left me to be on my own all week, when he knows inside my head I was begging for him, I needed him to hold me close and tell me this was all going to be okay… but then again I knew it was me whos pushed him away, its all my fault.

“He loves you bro, stop hiding and man up, because your husband needs you and so does that little girl.” Tom’s face softens and smiles at me gently.
“I know you can do this and so does Josh. Don’t let the past control and ruin your life Oliver.”

I could feel myself slowly giving in… I was so fucking terrified but I wanted to make things better with my husband, I felt bad enough for letting him go to the agency on his own, no matter how much I didn’t want to be apart of it, I should have just stuck by his side like a decent husband and have the guts to talk to him about this like an actual adult instead of shutting him out.
I needed to find a way to make it up to him, even if I have to get on my hands and knees and beg him for forgiveness I’ll do it.

“I can’t just leave work.”
Tom smirked like a little kid.
“Bro you’re the boss, you can do whatever you want.”
and on that note, I grabbed my stuff and left work.

When me and Oskar got out of the taxi, I saw my Audi parked in our drive and I knew that Josh was now home.
I felt my heart pounding so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest and explode, my palms were sweaty and I felt sick to my stomach… nervous was by far an understatement.

I hesitate for a couple of minutes outside the front door before I finally pluck up the courage and let myself in.
The house was awfully silent when I entered, making me even more nervous than I already was. I don’t dare call out for Josh, instead I take a deep breath and quietly walk into the kitchen and living room area to find the baby car seat was placed on the sofa and the baby bag was opened and all what was in it was scattered all over the living room, confirming that Josh and the baby were defiantly home.
I sigh heavily; thanking that they weren’t in this room, at least this gives me a couple more minutes to prepare myself for what’s to come… and I think that scared me most because I didn’t know what to expect.

I make my way to the only room where I knew Josh would be, I creep quietly up the stairs, past the bathroom and past our bedroom and then I finally find myself standing in front of the spare room door… well, its been the baby’s room for months now, seeing as Josh decorated it the second the agency had told us we were next on the list.
There was a little gap where the door had been left open slightly and I could hear little sounds coming from inside. My head snaps up and I feel like I’m seconds away from having a heart attack from the anxiety I’m feeling right now, fuck pull yourself together Oliver! I curse myself as I try to calm down and ignore what I was feeling and listen through the door but standing outside the room wasn’t satisfying my curiosity enough, so I take a deep breath again and I slowly push the door open.
Josh was standing by the cot with his back to me, he was making little soft cooing noises, while bouncing the baby gently around in his arms, he hadn’t heard me enter the room.

“Josh.” I whisper, not wanting to startle him.
He turns his head to the door and smiles when he sees me, slowly turning around completely revealing the little girl who was placed his arms.
“This is your daddy I was telling you about.” He smiles.
Her face was buried in Josh’s chest and I thought she was asleep at first, but she soon turns her head and peeks up at me when she sense someone else was in the room.

She looks up at me with these big beautiful brown doe like eyes, her skin was white as snow, her hair short dark brown and her lips were rosy pink and I suddenly feel my heart drop.
Right at that moment, I confirmed she was the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen.

I felt something inside of me suddenly change and everything about this little girl was pulling me towards her. I had some warm fuzzy feeling inside of me, something I’ve never felt before, I didn’t know how to explain it, it was unsettling but I didn’t care I just couldn’t bring myself to turn away from her.

A lump formed in my throat and tears entered my eyes but I manage to somehow save them from falling… what was happening to me?

“S-she beautiful.” I choked.
“She is isn’t she?” Josh smiles grows even bigger.
“Can… can I hold her?” I asked, surprised at myself.
Josh’s eyes met with mine, the smile never leaving his lips.
“Of course you can.”
He steps closer to me, not even giving it a second thought to hand her over to me, he believed I could do this... and I guess I started to believe him.
“She’s a little shy, so don’t be alarmed if she starts crying.”

I slowly take her from Josh, adjusting her in my arms and I swear my heart just melts.
She looks back at Josh and lets out a little whimper, causing my heart to ache a little at the sound.
“Its okay little one, daddy’s got you.” He coos, smiling at her and she turns back to me again.

I couldn’t pull away from those beautiful eyes of hers, she looks up at my face, patting my chin lightly with her tiny little hand, inspecting my face, I smile softly down at her, allowing her to take me in.
No words could describe what I was feeling, nothing even came close, but the only thing I was certain of was that I was proud to call this perfect little girl mine.