Meet Me by the River's Edge

"And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I have sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

" Are you kidding me ? "

" Nolan he's drunk and I can't just leave him on the streets "

" Billie he just ruined everything "

We've been fighting for the last 15 minutes at least. After Jack had emptied his stomach into the flower pot, I dragged him upstairs and tucked him into bed.
Nolan was watching over me like a hawk circling his prey. Seriously what was going on ?

So after Jack was safely in bed with a bucket right next to him should he feel the need to get more alcohol out of his body, Nolan followed my every step and demanded a full on explanation from me as to why I allowed Jack to sleep in my bed. He just slept there my god. I was letting a drunk friend stay the night to make sure he didn't do something stupid.

I wonder what Nolan would've done had he known which places of my body Jack's tongue had touched before.

Not to mention that Nolan had absolutely no right to demand ANY answers. This was my bed, my apartment, my life and my decision. There was no place for his opinion.

" Nolan he didn't ruin anything "

" Yes he did, the kiss and ... "

Oh now we're talking.

" The kiss Nolan ? That kiss you smothered me with. That kiss I didn't return for a single second ? I don't even know where that came from. What possessed you to do that ? "
Nolan combed his fingers through his blonde hair nervously.

" I love you Annybelle "

" Oh Nolan cut the crap will you. You love me ? How can you say that. We spent so little time together you can't say you love me "

" I always did Annybelle "

" But I'm not the little girl anymore Nolan, I'm a whole different person now. I had to grow up. Annybelle is no more. I'm Billie Harvey and I am not the girl you fell in love with " I argued with him. How could I possibly get this into his thick skull ?

" But when I saw you everything came back. Annybell is still there "

" Annybelle left when the only person she loved died. " I addressed the big grey cloud constantly floating above our heads.

" Anny "

" Nolan, tell me anything about me. Anything you love about me "

He took a deep breath and I could literally hear the wheels turning in his brain.

" I love ... your hair and how it shines. The smile you have when you really mean it and ... your curves ... and ... and the way your hair falls, and your little nose and ... "

" Anything that doesn't have to do with my looks ? "

He hesitated and the was all the answer I needed.

" Listen Nolan thank you for what you've done for me. I really hoped we could be friends and you could go back to being the rock you were to me when I was a kid ... but apparently we can't do that. You throw ' I love yous' around like some kind of friendly chit chat. It means nothing. Figure out what love means before you tell someone next okay ? "

I walked closer to him and kissed his cheek.

" Nolan I love you too, as a friend. And when you can accept that please contact me ... but for now you should go "

" Anny I "

" Nolan please " I was getting really frustrated with him.

He took a long breath and then huffed out an unamused laugh.

" Do you remember what he did ? He fucked you over ... and you're still here playing his little puppet who's at his back and call ? You cried so much because of him and still you take care of him ? Are you really that stupid Anabelle ? "

THIS was too much. All of this, Jack suddenly showing up, Nolan kissing me ... and especially all these accusations.

" Nolan there's a difference between being naive or 'stupid' as you call it, and being a decent human being. He is MY FRIEND above all and he needs me right now. I'm still royally pissed at him but I won't let him stay out in the cold. It's thanksgiving for fucks sake. I'm angry but I'm not holding a grudge. He needs me and I'll be there to help him. Because no matter what he did, he's important to me and I will take care of him. ... and you should go now "

" An.."

" GO NOLAN; GO "

And with that he left my apartment and made sure to loudly slam the door.

As I frustratingly combed my fingers through my thick blonde locks, I heard a groan coming from my bedroom.

" You okay in there ? " I called out to Jack hoping to god he wasn't puking his guts out in my bedroom.

" Nooo " He groaned quietly, sounding very miserable.

Slowly I made my way up the stairs still trying to process what had just happened.

Nolan wasn't in love with me, he was in love with the idea of me and him together. The sandbox lovers that were always meant to be finally find each other again after being separated for some years, only to discover they still love each other helplessly.

I guess he didn't count that reckless little ass of a Rockstar into his equation.

As I entered my bedroom, Jack was halfway laying on my bed and one leg and one arm were hanging off the side. His hair was a complete mess and his eyes looked really tired.

" Oh Jack "

" Yeah I know, I know. It was a mistake to show up. Aaand I drank a little too much but I was so scared to ... to talk to you. God my head is spinning. " He took a deep breath, trying to steady his slurred words " I was scared so I needed some liquid confidence. I just needed ... I needed to make sure you didn't mean it "

" Mean what Jack ? "

" That you hate me "

Right. The last time I had seen Jack, I had venomously told him that I hate him. Which obviously I didn't. No matter how hard I tried.

" Do you really think that ? " I sit down on the edge of the bed and sweep my fingers through his skunk hair. I still need to ask him about that. What made him do that to his hair, and why the hell it looks so unbelievably sexy on him.

" You have every reason to " he grumbled.

" I do. But I don't hate you Jacky. I'm just really sad and disappointed about what you did. "

" I'm sorry Shortie " he says and hugs my waist to pull me down besides him.

This felt so good, so right. Being in Jack's arms warm and safe, was all I wanted. But I've been here before and we've seen how that ended.

" Jack, come on let me ... "

" Nooo, please just ... just for tonight. You're warm and ... and I miss you "

And just like that he was back to being little puppy eyed Jack with the toddler smirk that no one could be angry with.

" I miss you too Jacky, go to sleep you dork "

I placed a kiss on his head as he let out a satisfied sigh and we both fell asleep tangled with each other.



The next morning I woke up feeling cold.

I was cuddled into my fluffy comforter and my face was hidden in my pillow, but still I felt cold. Very different to how I felt when I fell asleep last night.

When I fell asleep next to Jack ... Jack who wasn't next to me anymore.

Confused I looked around my room, the curtains were still closed but bright light streamed through from outside. Much too bright for a morning at this time of the year.

Slowly I made my way to the window and opened the curtains just a little to take a peak outside. It was snowing, lightly and very soft, but it was snowing and that made me happy.

I loved snow ever since I was really young. Me and Matty used to build snowmen and women and even snowdogs, we had snowball wars and made angels like nobodies business.

A lot of good memories filled with laughter and joy were connected to snow so whenever we were granted some flakes, my heart made a little jump.

Loud, metallic noises from my kitchen stopped me from reminiscing further and I prayed to god that it wasn't Jack trying to cook again.

Give me burglar or raccoons going wild, I don't care. Just please, not Jack trying to cook.

Quickly I walked down the steps and into my kitchen/living area ... of course it was Jack trying to cook, of course.

He was dressed in his shirt and boxers and his butt looked delicious. But of course I would never openly admit that. That would feed his ego even more and trust me, no one would want that.

" I feel like having a deja vu " I said to announce my presence and leaned onto the kitchen island.

" Hah, yeaaah last time was a failure though. This time It didn't burn " Jack exclaimed proudly and showed me the pancake sizzling in the hot pan. As he averted his eyes towards the pan, his enthusiastic smile faded.

" It didn't burn ... much "

I could see the disappointment in his eyes, like he was a little boy that wanted to craft his mother a pretty picture and accidental glues macaronis to the dog.

" It's okay Jack, we can cut of the black parts " I reassured him and took out two plates for us.

We sat down together, pancakes on our plates and small smiles on our faces.
Soaked with syrup, the pancakes were actually edible.

" They're ... good " I said gesturing to the pancakes.

" Don't lie Billie, we both know they're not good. They're ... okay "

" Yeah well they're okay, that's better than last time though right ? I'm proud of you "

He shook his head in amusement and granted me his famous Jack Barakat chuckled that I loved so much.

A silence fell upon us, it wasn't awkward but it wasn't comfortable either. We wanted to talk but neither of us knew where to start.

" Uh ... Anabelle did you ... did you mean it when you said, when you said you love me " Jack asked nervously and swallowed hard.

Whoo, there was no beating around the bus with him huh ?

" ... yeah " that was all I could bring out.

" That's all you're gonna say ? " Jack asked, his voice sounding strange and ... dead serious.

" Yeah well, I do love you but what does it matter ? I'll still be the girl that can't cope with her life and you'll still be Mr. bigshot rockstar that fucks a different girl in every state. There's no room for me though. I don't want to be a notch, not anymore. That was inconsiderate Billie that didn't believe she could actually feel something for someone. That's not who I am now "

I stood up and carried out empty plates to the kitchen sink, trying to subtly run from this conversation.
Of course I had no such luck.

" God Billie I AM SORRY. I told you I was scared to hurt you and ... I was stupid I admit it but you were never, not for one second just one of those girls. You were special from day one. If your weren't I wouldn't be here now cooking breakfast or trying to control my tears because you frustrate me so fucking much and all I want is to make you mine once and for all but I messed that one up so bad. If you were just a random girl I would be fucking you on that kitchen counter right now and then leave instead of pouring out my feelings for you "
His voice was hard and loud now, almost yelling but not quite yet.

" Well right now that sounds like the far more favorable situation. Because I really don't know what to do about the feelings stuff. I'm not one to talk about that. Did you see what happened last time I wanted to ? Oh no wait, you didn't see, you were balls deep in your ex " I yelled back.

" You'd rather I'd fuck you now instead of telling the truth ? Well we can have that " Jack growled and something flickered in his eyes ... lust and anger.

With a sweep of his arm he had cleared the kitchen counter of all the stuff that was scattered around and now my floor was littered with empty yogurt cups and dirty spoons that were placed on the counter before.

I didn't have time to scold him for that though, because in a matter of seconds he gripped my hips tightly and pulled me towards him, turning us around so my back was pressed to the cold kitchen counter.

" You're such a little bitch Billie, and I mean that in the most positive sense of the phrase. You make me crazy and leave me frustrated and god you turn me on so much. And every time I look at you I get aware of how I'm not nearly good enough to be with such a strong woman. Such an amazing woman. I'm a jackass, I mess up. I just wanted to make you notice how much I don't deserve you and how unworthy I actually am. You're such a little bitch ... but I'm so in love with you " he growled and then smashed his lips to mine and lifted me so I could sit down on the cold marble surface of the isle.

My brain couldn't properly comprehend what was happening, but my body could ... and my body wanted more.

I wrapped my hands around Jack's neck and let one of my hands wander upwards to tangle in his unruly black hair.

My tongue engaged in a heated dance with his as our lips moved together rapidly.

" I want you Jack " I moaned as his hands ran up my thighs. I was still wearing last nights dress which gave Jack easy access to every inch of my body.

" I know " he mumbled as his lips left mine and traveled down my jaw and towards my neck, where he placed little bites.

His hands had my dress pulled up to under my breasts and he pulled away from me for just a second to slip the fabric over my body and throw it on the floor next to us.

Quickly his shirt followed, then his boxers and then my bra and that only left me in my panties.

Jack grabbed my thighs and pulled me towards the edge of the counter. " No matter what, you'll never be one of them. You will always be special to me. Always. You're my Sally and I'm your Jack " he grunted before he sank down to level his face with my core.

I knew what was coming, and hell yeah was I ready for it.

The last time we've been this close, he took it slow, with lots of kissing around before he got to the point.

Not this time, he hooked his fingers on both sides of my panties and pulled them down so I could eventually kick them off.

And then, then it began. He licked his lips and inched closer to my core, my legs were firmly placed around his neck, hanging down his back.

A shot of electricity rushed through my body as his warm tongue touched me just where I wanted him to. His low grunts were making it even harder for me to control myself as he recklessly licked and sucked the sensitive bundle of nerves between my folds.

I couldn't even produce real words so all that was heard were his low grunts and my desperate attempts of words that turned out to be mostly " Ugh " s and " Ahg " s.

Jack's tongue carried me closer and closer to that wonderful feeling I hadn't experienced since the last time he was here. And god did I miss it.

My fingers were tightly gripping his hair but as soon as he noticed me coming to close to my orgasm, he stopped and stood up taking hold of one hand while his other rolled a condom over his length.

" Jack wha ... OH GOD "

He didn't give me the time to complete my complain over why he stopped so close to my orgasm, restlessly he pounded into me.

I tried to hold onto something, desperately I clawed after everything I could get my hands on. His back, his arms, his hips, the counter ... everything.

The sweat was dripping down his face and all that was heard was skin slapping against skin in a heated dance of intimacy.

This wasn't as loving as it should've been, but we needed this. We needed a way to let go of our anger for each other and ourselves, without causing the other more pain.

His lips closed around my nipple as he kept thrusting into me in a fast pace, hitting that tiny button of pleasure inside me every single time ... and it was driving me crazy. As his tongue leapt around my chest, I couldn't stand much more.

" Jack I ... " quickly he silenced me with a kiss.

" Me too Baby " he reassured my as he rested our foreheads together.

One more hit, two, three and then I came undone right there on my kitchen counter whining and moaning out a string of curses with his name intertwined in between.

Jack followed suit but instead of curse words, all that left his lips was a barely audible " I love you Billie " before he leaned against me, breathing deeply and rested his head in the crook of my neck.

" I love you too "



I sat on my bed dressed in a big shirt and sweatpants. I could still hear the shower running as I tried to wrap my head around what had just happened.

Jack and I had sex, then he pulled out and ... we didn't say anything. We were both too afraid to say anything.

Eventually he asked if he could take a shower which I allowed, of course I did. I now had time to think. What was going to happen now ? The boys were going back on tour in a few days. I couldn't get myself too deep into this right now, not before we had some time to work this out completely. It would kill me to know my ... boyfriend would be surrounded by girls every night that might take him away. I needed to know he was going to be faithful before I got myself into this.

" Hey babe you okay ? " Jack asked as he walked out the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel.

" No, not really. Jack ... I can't do this "

He dropped the towel and looked at me shocked.

" Can't do what ? "

" Act like we're okay now. We are not. Jack we need to figure us out but you're off to tour in a few days and I can't be with you before we know where we stand. We ... we should wait until you come back "

" Anabelle I know where I stand with you. I love you "

" You said that before "

" Ugh Shortie why are you making this so hard ? "

" Because if it's really love then it's not supposed to be easy. It's supposed to make us fight and cry and scream and then it will all be worth it in the end. It's not supposed to be easy, where's the fun in that ? "

Jack shook his head in annoyance and sighted deeply.

" You know what ? Okay fine have it your way. I'll go on tour and then we'll talk. I'll show you where I stand babe. I wont even look at another woman if that is what it takes for you to believe and forgive me. I love you Anabelle Harvey. I'll be back soon " he said and placed a lingering kiss on my lips. " That is, if you haven't changed your mind till then " and with that he slammed the door and left.

And I felt terribly lonely.