Life Without the One I Love

Images flashed through my mind like bolts of lightening, the crash replaying in my head, the last thing remember seeing was Maria, her limp body next to me covered in blood.

“Maria!” I shot up and instantly the pain shot through me, my ribs throbbing like no hockey hit I had felt before, “shit!” I gasped feeling like someone had punched me in the gut.
“Zhenya, take it easy,” I looked up when I heard Sergei's voice before he was pushing me back down onto the bed.
“What happened?” I grasped at my aching side.
“You were in a car accident,” he squeezed my shoulder.
“I thought it was just a dream,” I looked up at him feeling helpless and noticed the sorrow and pity in his eyes, “...what?”
“Zhenya...” he sat down on the edge of the bed resting a hand on my leg, “Maria, she... she didn't make it.”
“What? No. Your lying, your lying. I have to see her,” I sat back up and tried to climb out of the bed.
“No Zhenya, please just stop,” he grabbed my arms trying to stop me.
“No your lying,” I tried to physically fight him but I was too busy trying to fight the whole bag of emotions rising inside me.
“I am not, she's gone.”
“No, let me go,” I tried to pry his hands from their grip on me but it was no use.
“Come here,” he pulled me into his arms.

I didn't want to be there though, I didn't want to be in this bed while Maria was lying someone all on her own.
“Please,” I could feel the tears begin to roll down my cheeks, crying made me feel weak, crying in front of Sergei made me feel pathetic, “I just want to see her.”
“You need to relax first.”
“I don't want to relax!” I tried but failed miserably to pull away from him. It was like all my physical strength was draining out of me with each tear that fell.

“I am sorry Zhenya, I am so sorry,” he held me as I eventually gave in and let myself cry, “your going to be ok.”
“I don't care,” I mumbled.
“You need to be strong for Kieta though.”
“Kieta...” I pulled away, “is she ok?” and tried to wipe the tears away.
“She's fine, she is still with Sid.”
“Does she know?”
“She knows that you were in an accident, she doesn't know about Maria... Do you want me to go get her?” he squeezed my leg.
“Yes,” I sighed dropping back onto the bed.

“Are you going to be ok if I go?” he asked as he stood up.
“Yeah,” but I wasn't going to be, I was never going to be ok.
“I will let the nurse know your awake,” he stared at me for a moment and when he figured out I wasn't going to answer he left.

How was I ever going to live without her? Maria had been there from the moment I began playing professional hockey. She had been right by my side when I chose to leave Russia, she supported my dreams fully, she believed in me even when I couldn't believe in myself. Every loss, every injury, every down point she was there. Even when her parents didn't want her to be with me, they didn't want her in the spotlight living the hockey lifestyle she still stayed right there. She was my everything and I wouldn't be able to function without her.

I laid there staring at the roof as the nurses came in, I heard them talking, saying things to me but I didn't answer, I didn't care. I didn't care about the cut across the eyebrow that had been stitched up and made the left side of my face numb, I didn't care about my ribs protesting every movement I made. I just didn't care.

“Daddy?” I heard my four year daughter's voice seep into the silence of the room from the door.
“Sweet heart,” I sat up putting my arms out for her to run into, “come here,” she broke away from Sergei's hands and I pulled her into my lap and just held her.

I sat with her in my arms and held her as I cried, I didn't want to cry in front of my daughter but I was just so relieved for her to be in my arms.
“Daddy?” she peered up at me through those beautiful brown eyes that looked exactly like her mothers.
“Yeah sweetie?” I ran my hand through her brown locks.
“Where's mummy?”

And there it was, that question that I knew I was going to have to tell but I didn't want to. How was I supposed to tell her mum was gone. I didn't want to believe it myself, let alone dumping it on her.

I took a deep breath and turned her in my lap so she was facing me. I cupped her tiny little face in my hands and stroked her cheeks with my thumbs.
“Is mummy ok?” her face was sweet, I didn't want to see her in tears but I couldn't lie to her.
“No... she's gone.”
“Gone where? Is she coming back?”
“No Kieta, she died, she not come back...”
“But who's going to look after me?”
“I will sweetheart, don't worry, I will,” I dropped a kiss to her forehead and pulled her back into my arms, “I not let anything happen to you.”