Life Without the One I Love

“May I have this dance?” I stood up and put my hand out for Maria to take.
“Of course,” she smiled, her cheeks flushes a light shade of pink as she accepted my hand and let me led her to the dance floor.

“I have been waiting for you to ask me to dance all night," she admitted rather shyly running her hands up my chest before they came to rest at the nape of my neck.
“I was waiting for the perfect moment,” I smiled down at her as we began to sway to the music.
“And what made this the perfect moment?” she asked with that adorably curious smile of hers.
“Your favourite song,” I slipped my hands around her waist as the song by her favourite American band Lifehouse played.
“And how did you know they would play it?”
“I asked,” I shrugged.
“You didn't?” her smile grew wider, “your the best boyfriend ever,” she planted a kiss on my lips which unexpectedly turned into more quicker than I thought it would.

“Get a room you two,” Dimitri teased bumping into us on purpose with his girlfriend.
“Shut up Dima,” I bit and frowned at him.
“Ignore him,” her voice was calm as she moved one of her hands to my cheek and turned my face back to hers, “he's just an idiot.”
“I know,” I sighed but was happy to go along with her guiding hands back to kissing her.

I knew I loved this girl, she was everything I had ever wanted and more. She was my number one fan when I was on the ice and she was my number one fan off of it. She believed in me more than I believed in myself. To be completely honest she was the only reason I had made it as far as I had. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her no matter what came of our lives.

“I am going to miss you when you leave,” she whispered as she lent her head on my shoulder.
“No one has said I am going to make it,” I knew exactly what she was talking about, hockey.
“Of course you will, next year when you turn 18 you are going to be drafted. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise,” she lifted her head to give me her little spiel before resting her head back in its place on my shoulder.
“How can you be so sure?” I rested my head on top of hers as we continued to dance.
“Because I believe in you,” she put her hand on my chest, right over my heart and suddenly I felt an ache there, like her words were literally tugging on my heart, “you just have to believe in yourself and everything will be ok.”
“Ok,” I agreed letting out a heavy sigh and closed my eyes enjoying the feeling of her in my arms more than seeing her there.

“Maria...” I spoke up as one song rolled into another.
“Yes Zhenya,” she stayed tightly in my arms, more than content to be there.
“I love you,” her head shot up from my shoulder with my words but she was smiling, shocked but smiling.
“I love you too,” she cupped my face and pulled me down to kiss her.

I remember prom night like it was yesterday. I remember arguing with Maria months before about it because I didn't want to go, it was last thing I wanted to do. But as months, turned into weeks, which turned into days I was glad I decided to go. Spending that perfect night with her. I guess I probably never actually thought we would stay together let alone get married but somehow she was all I wanted and that never changed.

"There you go," Ksenia smiled softly as she folded my shirt collar down over my tie and brushed off my shoulders.
"Thanks," my voice was so close to failing me I was almost convinced I should just stop talking unless it was absolutely necessary.
"Are you going to wear the jacket?" she asked pointing towards the closet in the corner of the room.
I nodded and headed over, reluctantly pulling the curtain back to step inside.

It hit me like a tonne of bricks; more things that reminded me of Maria, her clothes neatly put away as always , everything in place exactly how she left it. If I thought the room smelt like her when I came home from the hospital the other week I could have sworn she was standing right beside me putting her perfume on.

"You ok in there?" I heard Ksenia before she pulled the curtain back and peered in.
"Yeah, just forgot which one it is," I lied looking through the various suit jackets I had.
"Here," she reached passed and grabbed the right one for me.
"I am going to see how Kieta is doing and then we will get going ok?" she had a reassuring hand on my back but it didn't make getting ready for this day any easier.
"Ok," I agreed.

I slipped my jacket and headed off downstairs into the kitchen. I had no clue how I was going to face everyone let alone Maria's parents, I had secluded myself from people since the accident and I didn't know if I could deal with it. The most I had other than Sergei and Ksenia was the odd visit from Sid and a few phone calls from my parents, but being alone with Kieta was all I had really wanted to do.

"Zhenya you can't drink now," Ksenia narrowed her eyes at me as I tipped back a glass of whiskey.
"It's just one glass, I need something to calm my nerves," I argued lamely as Kieta followed in behind her.
"It will be fine," she gave me that same sympathetic look everyone had been giving me this past week and to be honest I was getting sick of it.
"Yeah," I shrugged her off and turned my attention to my little girl.

"Hey Princess," I knelt down in front of her and grabbed her hands, "you look pretty," I gave her a small smile because I didn't want her to be terrified of this moment, "you ready to go?"
"Are we going to see mummy?" she asked a hint of worry in the curiosity she had.
"Only if you want to," I explained, "but you not have to choose now, ok?"
"Ok," she said quietly and put her arms out for me to pick her up.

I knew this was going to get harder before it was going to get easier. Kieta was worrying me more and more each day and everything seemed like an endless battle. I was just hoping that the funeral would finally bring some closure.

I grabbed Kieta from her car seat and set her on her feet right by my side. She instantly latched onto my hand but as concerned as I was about her I loved how attached she was getting to me, she was always my little girl and this only made me love her more.

"Hey G," I heard Sid's voice behind us and instantly noticed the little bundle in his arms.
"Who's this?" I found a smile crossing my face when I got a closer look at the little boy wrapped up in my captains arms. I had only seen one picture of him and that was from a few days ago on the night he was born, his eyes were screwed shut and they hadn't picked a name yet.
"This is Benjamin," he smiled proudly showing off their newborn that already looked like him.
"Can I see?" Kieta tugged on my jacket.
"Sure sweetie," I picked her up so she could peer over at the baby boy.
"He's cute," she smiled touching his hand.
"He sure is," I reached over and played with his fingers.
"Evgeni," Lucy sounded relieved as she made her way over to us, nappy bag in hand.
"Hello."
"How are you?" she lent up and kissed my cheek and gave me a hug as best she could.
"I am ok, handling it," I sighed.
"Well we're here if you need anything ok?" she rubber her hand up and down my back soothingly.
"Ok," I nodded and mustered up enough of a smile so she wouldn't worry.

I had spent the last two weeks trying to dodge and weave my way out of this funeral. I didn't want to say goodbye, I wasn't ready to and frankly I never wanted to. But it was slowly creeping up on me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was time to say goodbye.