Tainted Love

I waited, looking at my phone checking the time again. I wasn’t running away from the test this time, I wouldn’t. I had to figure this out. Matt and I had been talking. I didn’t want him to think anything was off, just in case. There was a very good possibility that my mind had just been playing tricks on me last night, that I was being ridiculous, Matt didn’t seem like the type of man to rape.

Of course, I didn’t know him all that well. For all I knew this was his game, rape a girl, and then hope you see her again, so you can lull her into a false sense of security, and hurt her all over again. He could be sick, twisted, and there was just no way I would really know. Well, there was one way. I would have to get his DNA though, if I was pregnant. Only another minute till I found out, which would decide the rest of my life, and maybe the rest of Matt’s, I don’t think I’d be able to get him arrested though. I didn’t report the rape, I didn’t tell anyone about it, I hid it, what cop was going to believe me, over a rock star?

“You’re hyping yourself up Ary, calm down.” I was talking to myself now, great. I was driving myself crazy over this. I couldn’t help myself, I looked at the test, and what I saw made my heart sink. Perfectly visible, a little plus sign, I was pregnant. I was going to have my rapist’s child. I was going to have a baby, I couldn’t believe it. I had to call Matt. I had to tell him, I wanted to know his reaction to it all, I wanted to hear his voice as I told him what happened. His reaction would tell me something. I hoped anyways.

I took a deep breath, before finding his name in my contacts list, and clicking on the little green phone. I put the phone on speaker, before pulling my legs into my body, where I sat on the bathroom floor. I just stared at it, waiting for Matt to answer, not even sure if he would at this point.

“Hello beautiful!” I don’t know why his voice had such an effect on me, but my whole body relaxed. I was really hoping that my thoughts on everything, were wrong. I was completely myself with Matt, on a different level than I had ever been with Shane. I don’t think I could bare the thought of losing him.

“I have something not so great to tell you…” I said softly. This was going to be hard, beyond hard, but I would have to do it. I had to know what his reaction was.

“What is it baby?” I took a deep breath, looking at the pregnancy test sitting in front of me. I was going to have a baby, time to be strong.

“Matt, I didn’t want to tell anyone this, but I was raped, not too long ago. I was actually leaving your guys’ concert, and this dude found me in an alley, pushed me up against a wall… And he raped me. I was a virgin at the time… He didn’t use protection… I didn’t report it, I was just so ashamed, that I didn’t know what to do, so I just ran, cleaned myself up, and haven’t told anyone about it.” I waited for a reply, there wasn’t a gasp when I said I had been raped, I wasn’t sure if he was surprised, shocked, any of that. I wish I had thought to do this in person, I could watch his reaction unfold in front of me.

“I’m so sorry Ary.” Something about that didn’t seem sincere, or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I wanted to think it wasn’t sincere. I didn’t know what to believe, so I had to just figure this out.

“Well… There’s something else.” I bit my lip, this would be the deciding factor. If he was my rapist, he’d be afraid of the fact that I was pregnant, it could prove to anyone that he did it.

“What baby?” I took a deep breath. Hoping his reaction would be anything but worried.

“Well, I did mention that he didn’t use protection… Matt, I’m pregnant.” I listened carefully, I heard a small gasp, but I think most people would gasp if I told them I was pregnant.

”Are you sure?” That made it seem like he was worried about it. But I just didn’t know how to judge it.

“Yeah, I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. I’ll figure out how far along I am, and what all I need to do, to make sure I have a healthy baby.” He was silent, which scared me. Was he thinking of what he could do to make sure that he didn’t get caught? I rubbed a hand over my lower stomach, and smiled softly. I had a little human growing inside of there, a little piece of me. It was perfect too, all babies came out perfect. They didn’t know anything about violence, war, hatred, the sadness affecting the world; they just came out blissfully unaware of everything, except the small world around them.

”Well, I didn’t want to be a dad for a couple more years, but I guess I better get used to the idea.” This was not what I was expecting him to say. I wasn’t sure what this answer meant, that he wanted to stay with me? Or that he knew he was the father, so he had to stick by me.

“Matt, you don’t have to. I understand if you don’t want to take on this responsibility, we just met.” I didn’t know what else to say. He was being really accepting of this child, like he was just okay with the fact that I was carrying a rapist’s child.

”Ary, I want to be with you. This baby is going to be a part of you. I can’t just accept some things, and dislike others, that is not how relationships work. I get this is a big thing, but if I’m there through the whole pregnancy, it won’t seem like someone else’s child. That baby will seem like mine.” Now I was really confused.

“I never thought of it like that.” I looked down at my stomach, I guess I had put on a little weight, but maybe only 4 pounds, not something super noticeable. Maybe I should wait to tell Shane for a little while.

”So, when can I announce that I’m having a baby? Oh, and that I have a new girlfriend?” Now he seemed excited and the prospect of this child. I wasn’t sure how to take anything he said anymore. I couldn’t get the image of him as my rapist out of my mind, so there was just no way for me to believe him.

“Give me time, I’m not sure how to tell Shane. I’ll definitely let you know when you can.” And then something he said struck me. “Wait, girlfriend?”

”I mean… Yeah. If you want to be that is?” I could hear the nervousness in Matt’s voice, and I giggled. Big strong Matt was afraid of what I’d say. But this could work out for me, it’d be easy to collect some DNA from him if I was around him.

“I’d love to be your girlfriend Matt.”