Tainted Love

Matt was sleeping; I was sitting up, just staring at him. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, like an actual good person. I knew that wasn’t the case, but I could believe it. I wanted to believe it, I wanted to believe Matt was an actual good man, but the things he has done were proving otherwise.

I wonder if he knew that he snored, if he knew he drooled just a little. Sometimes his nose would scrunch up just a bit, and he’d shake his head, like he was having an argument in his sleep. It was pretty entertaining to watch him sleep, and I wondered if Button would be anything like him. If I’d hear these same snores when Button got a little older, wrinkle his nose randomly, and sleep in funky positions. I was hoping I’d have a little girl that’d take after me more than Matt, but there was no telling at this point. I had to wait two weeks; I’d find out what my little Button is, and from there, I’d start planning.

I wasn’t sure if I should try to escape before or after Button was born. I knew in the later months of my pregnancy it’d be harder for me, I knew that I’d need help, and I know I could go back to Shane, but most of his jobs involved late night work. So I didn’t want to just rely on him, maybe staying with Matt until Button was born was a good idea. I’d have someone right next to me, to help me through the harder parts, and I know Matt wants to be a part of this pregnancy, I just wasn’t sure if I could deal with Matt being there throughout my pregnancy.

I sighed and looked down at my little bump. Button was “running” around in there. Just having a good time, being my silly little baby, this baby was going to be so active. I hoped that I could have cuddle time with Button though; I wanted to be one of those moms that got to cuddle with their babies! I wanted cuddle time with my little Button.

“Baby?” Matt was reaching for me, but his eyes weren’t open. I couldn’t help the little giggle that escaped my mouth, his eyes opened, and those deep dimples popped out. “What are you doing?”

“Button is practicing soccer right now.” I said as I rubbed my hand over my stomach again. Matt chuckled, his smile only growing bigger; he reached out and rubbed a hand over my stomach. I lay down on the bed, but he sat up, I raised an eyebrow, but he just winked at me, before moving down a little, and putting his head against my stomach.

“Hi Button, I’m your daddy. Mommy kind of hates me right now, but we’re going to work through it. I love you so much already, and I’ll accept it if you’re a boy, but daddy really wants a little girl. If it’s possible, make sure you look like mommy, she’s beautiful. Daddy has done some bad things, but I want to make them up to you, and mommy. I’m going to try, for the rest of my life to make it up to you two. I promise, with all my heart and soul Button, I will make it up to you two.” I was trying not to cry, but Matt was breaking my heart. I was trying to think of a way to get away from him, but every time I started thinking about it he’d just do something beautiful and sweet like this. I rubbed a hand over his head, Matt looked up at me, and tears were in his eyes too. I was going to be a mess if he started crying, I was already about to cry, and I knew I was falling for this man, I couldn’t watch him cry.

“Come here Matty.” He scooted up, and propped himself up on his elbows next to me. He blinked once, and the tears started falling. I sat up, only to have him follow suit, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and was pulled into his lap. I couldn’t help it, I broke down, I hated that Matt could make me feel so protected, but he had done such bad things to me. He was the reason I felt vulnerable in the first place, but here he was making me feel protected.

“I hate you.” I whispered against Matt’s shoulder, he held me tighter. He nodded against my neck, before kissing it softly.

“I know, you can hate me all you want. I love you, and I promise not to hurt you ever again.” Matt’s voice was cracking, and it hurt me even more. I pushed back on his shoulders, and leaned back so I could look him in the eye.

“Let’s make this clear Matthew. I may never love you, but I will try to get over this. I think maybe we need to go to counseling. I don’t exactly know, but I want to try to work this out. We’re having a child together, and I can’t spend every day wishing you were dead.” Matt looked down, I couldn’t help it; I just grabbed his cheeks and made him look me straight in the eye. “You’re evil Matt. You need to work through that. We need to work through this. Button is a perfect little angel. I should know, I’ve made sure that this baby would be perfect, except for that one drunken night on the bus, when we hooked up.”

“I should’ve thought about that… I’m sorry.” I shook my head, and took a deep breath.

“I know that you love me, but that’s not easy for me Matt. You raped me. I was so afraid of life after that, I sat in my apartment for two weeks. I lost my job, I lied to Shane, and I hated myself. I completely changed after that, I stopped doing my makeup the way I did that night, I didn’t want to even bother with doing my hair, I wore sweats constantly, I didn’t want to make myself a target again. I don’t have a family Matt, my parents hate me, and I can’t stand them, I had no one to turn to except for Shane, and I couldn’t even turn to him. You broke me when you did that. Then you come back into my life, and do everything the right way, you made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world that day on the bus. If you had done that the first time, we could’ve been together from that moment, I’d have been living here for a while, just sitting here with Button, waiting for daddy to get home.” Matt was shaking, tears were falling down his face, but he wasn’t making any noise. “Matty, please say something to me about this.”

“I’m a fucking idiot. Ary, you’re amazing, and you’re right, I should’ve gone about things a better way, I should’ve done everything right the first time. I just couldn’t think, I saw you, and something deep inside just kicked into overtime. I love you; I know I should’ve done things like the second time. I didn’t want to ever hurt you, I want to be with you, and I want this baby to be with us. I want it to be perfect, and mostly I want it to be a girl because I don’t want any little boy to treat a woman the way I did you, I pray that Button is a girl, because what if I can pass that shit along?” He was getting really worked up, and I just didn’t know what else to do, so I kissed him. He wrapped his arms around me, and seemed to be kissing me with every little bit of him, it was the most passionate and loving kiss I had ever experienced, and it only made me cry harder. I pulled away, and Matt wiped the tears off of my face, I giggled, even though it sounded more like a cry, and wiped the tears off of his.

“I may love you, with time. But right now, I’m going to need time. I’m still young Matt, and I was just getting out on my own, when all of a sudden, I’m raped, after seeing my favorite band, and I wanted to be happy that night. I was so happy, up until that moment, you scared the shit out of me Matt. You hurt me, and scared the shit out of me. I just want time to figure all of my feelings out for you, and it’s not helping that you kidnapped me. I was thinking of talking things through with you before, but you jumped the gun, and got me before I even had time to think everything through. You don’t understand my deep need to protect this baby Matt. Button is growing inside of me, Button is a piece of me, and I need to protect this baby with every fiber of my being. I do care for you-“ Matt stopped me before I could finish and kissed me. I smiled against his mouth, and tugged on one of his ears.

“Hey!” I giggled, and shrugged.

“Shouldn’t have interrupted me, anyways, as I was saying! I do care for you, but I need time Matt. I’m so torn, you make me feel so protected, and cared for, but at the same time, all I can think is you’re the reason I’m vulnerable in the first place. I wouldn’t feel like I needed protection if it weren’t for that night! Being wrapped up with you makes me feel like nothing can go wrong in the world, but you’re the reason I see the dark side of things now! I’m torn Matt, I’m so torn it scares the shit out of me. Sometimes I want to stab you, other times I want to curl up in your lap and just make you hold me.” Matt’s eyes got wide, but he didn’t try to kiss me again.

“I’m hiding the knives tomorrow.” I giggled, and he smiled in return. “I understand I fucked up big, but you telling me that sometimes you just want to curl up in my lap makes me feel like it can be fixed. I’m not going to hurt you again Ary, we may fight, but everyone fights. I will treat you like you deserve to be treated; I will show you how special you are to me. I will do it every day of my life, I just want you. I was an idiot for kidnapping you, I know that, but I didn’t want to be without you. I wanted you here, where I know that you and Button are safe. If I’m the one that made you feel vulnerable to everything in the world, than I’m the one that needs to fix it, and I swear, that I will try to fix it, every day for the rest of our lives.” I nodded, and put my head against his shoulder. Those big arms tightened around me, and I couldn’t help it. I snuggled up against him, and wrapped my legs around his waist, before doing the same with my arms.

“Not going to yell at me anymore?” I shook my head against his shoulder.

“I’m tired. Button is beating me up, and I’m exhausted. I’ve cried on you for like an hour, and before that I was up for another hour watching you sleep. By the way, what the hell do you dream about?” Matt laughed, shrugging his shoulders, moving my head in the process; I sighed and buried my head against his neck.

“I don’t know, why?” I looked up at him, and wrinkled my nose.

“You do that a lot in your sleep. You snore too, and sometimes mumble, and flail, and drool.” He laughed loudly, before kissing me softly.

“Good to know you’ve studied my sleeping habits.” I grinned and pulled back from him, before lying down again, Matt followed, laying down right next to me, and pulling me into his side. I shook my head, and pushed on him.

“I’m the pregnant lady, I decide on the sleeping arrangements, and this is not comfortable for my belly. You have to be the big spoon.” Matt’s deep laugh rumbled into the dark room, and goose bumps rose up on my arms. I turned, and Matt grabbed me, bringing me flush up against his body. He put one arm under my head, and wrapped the other one around me, resting it on where Button was fluttering. I could feel every inch of Matt against me, and I was in that weird stage of my pregnancy where I was turned on for no reason what so ever. Matt tucked his head against my neck, and kissed it once, and I growled.

“Matt?”

“Hm?” I heard his sleepy little mumble next to my ear, and I grinned.

“I think I’m ready.”

“Ready for what?” I turned my head to face him, and raised an eyebrow.

“Ready for what I wasn’t ready for earlier.” His eyes popped open, and soon enough I was laid out, with Matt over me, kissing every square inch of my face and neck. I grabbed his cheeks and pulled him towards my mouth, because that’s the only part of my face he wasn’t paying attention to.

“I’ll be careful baby, I promise.” I growled, and wrapped my legs around his waist, before lifting my hips up into his, and grinding them in.

“I don’t even care, fuck me Matthew.”