Tainted Love

Matt had actually let me leave today, I was going out with the girls, and Celeste was going to come pick me up soon. Matt was on his way to therapy, he had kissed me before he left, but it was a sad lingering kiss. I knew he didn’t want to go to therapy, he didn’t want to admit that he had problems, he just wanted to go on with his life like none of this had ever happened, but I wasn’t going to let it happen. Matt needed help, he needed to get to a new place in is life, or I was going to leave with Button. He was letting me out of the house now, maybe one day he’d let me actually take a car, and I could do this all over again, this time, I’d hide better.

I was standing outside, too excited to be out of the house on my own. Matt had put Bella and Ryder out back, and was willing to wait with me till Celeste got to the house, but I didn’t want him to be late for his therapy appointment. He had changed the lock code on the house, and apparently wasn’t willing to give it to me just yet, not that I could really blame him. If he did that, I probably would’ve left after our fight last week. I didn’t really like dealing with Matt, and his insecurities. He wouldn’t be so damn insecure if he had gone about things the right way, but apparently, that had just been too hard for him.

“HEY!” Celeste yelled out her passenger side window as she pulled up into the driveway, I grinned, and walked over to her car, I wasn’t sure what we were going to do today, but I was excited to get out of the house. Matt hadn’t been sure what we were going to do either, but he had given me his credit card. I was hoping we’d go shopping, Matt hadn’t brought a lot of my clothes, the things he did grab, and I had been growing out of lately. I also had some news for the girls, I had finally found out the sex of Button. Matt and I had been planning a dinner for tonight, but, it was all up to how Matt felt after coming home from therapy. I knew that there was no way of telling what would happen tonight, but there was a hope that everything would go alright. I was hoping that tonight, there would be no fighting between us, there would be no weirdness. It’d be okay. There was just no way of telling at this point.

“So, I think we’re heading to the mall first!” I laughed; thank goodness Matt had given me his card.

“Sounds good to me, I need some new clothes, I’m starting to get big, and I’m only 4 months along.” Celeste just rolled her eyes.

“I hope when I get pregnant, I’m your size at only 4 months, when my sister was pregnant, she ballooned.” I grinned, okay so maybe I wasn’t as big as I thought I was. But this was still a body I wasn’t used to having.

“I’m just so used to being smaller than this. I know I have to get over it though, I’m growing another little human inside of me!” Celeste nodded; a song she apparently liked came on the radio, because she started dancing in her seat. I grinned, and reached over turning it up for her, hoping that was okay. She grinned, before starting to sing loudly, a little off key, but I could tell she was just goofing around. I started singing along too, and dancing around. I could feel Button start to kick around in my stomach, obviously enjoying the song and dance routine. I rubbed a hand over my stomach, grinning, I knew what my little Button was now. I knew what clothes to buy, I knew what type of names to pick out, and I was just so excited about it. I wanted to let the girls know already, but there was no way. Matt wanted to let everyone know at once, and I was going to respect his wishes, I really just didn’t want to piss him off any more than need be.



I was sitting in my truck. I had spent the last hour, just getting to know my therapist. He had asked me about my family life, I had explained to him that I had Ary, and that we had a baby on the way. He had asked me about our child, not knowing that it was actually our child. I couldn’t tell him that, not quite yet. I knew that if I told him that, I’d probably be sent away, to a mental facility.

I had actually been thinking about that lately. I knew it’d be good if I went to one, I knew that Ary would be pleased if I did, but I just couldn’t do it yet. I wanted to see my baby; I wanted to hold Button just once. I wanted to be there to cut the umbilical cord, sign the birth certificate, name my child. I wanted all of that. I wanted to take Button back home, and be there the first time that Button got to sleep in the crib. I wanted to be there for Ary the first night, knowing it’d be hard on her. I wanted to be there for my child period.

I know that if I kept putting it off, I’d end up never going. I needed to actually sit down and give it some thought. I know that it’s what’s best for me; I know I should just take that step, and I’d have to figure time to go there. It’d be better for us that way. I’d get time to work through everything, Ary could come visit. I’d never want her to bring Button though. I wouldn’t want my child to see me in that position, to see me in a mental hospital. I knew that kids didn’t make memories early in life, but still, I could never let Button see me like that. I knew that I had to go for at least 6 months, otherwise there was really no point, I’d have to go there and work through everything. If I signed myself in, I’d get to leave when I decided. I’d have to be back in time for Button’s first birthday. This was just ridiculously hard to decide.

Tonight Ary and I were going to have everyone over, we were going to throw a party to celebrate finding out the sex, and we wanted to inform everyone together. My parents would be coming over for dinner tomorrow night, and I had been texting Shane, as sort of a surprise for Ary. He was really the only family she had. Shane hadn’t been very happy with me, but he was willing to come out to see how Ary had been doing. I wanted to make sure he knew he was able to visit Ary, and Button whenever he wanted. I mostly wanted to see the way he reacted to her being with me again.

Ary would be so excited to see him, and I knew that, but I didn’t want to see her jumping all over another man, so I was thinking of sending him there when I wasn’t. I didn’t want to see her excited over another man, I didn’t even want to see her hug him, or smile at him. It was weird, it would be really weird.

I sighed, before grabbing my phone out of my pocket. I knew I should call Ary. She was a little worried that I’d be angry, or upset after therapy today, and wasn’t sure if I would want to go through with the dinner tonight, but I was okay, I was just a little lost in thought. Ary and I had things we had to go over tonight when we were alone, and hopefully everything go well. I sighed, dialing her number, and waiting for her to answer.

”Hello gorgeous.” I grinned, her voice made everything better, the tension between my shoulders instantly eased, and I put my head back against the head rest, and just took a deep breath.

“I love you.” I heard her giggle, and I smiled bigger.

“I know you do! So, how’d everything go?” She wasn’t ready to quite say that she loved me yet, and I was completely understanding of that. I was ready to hear it, but she wasn’t ready to say it.

“It was okay, everyone still coming over tonight?” I heard her talking to the girls, seeing if they were still up to coming over tonight. I heard plenty of affirmative replies, so I guess we were still on for tonight.

”It seems that we are, I’ll come home soon and help get everything ready! I’ll talk to you in a bit, be careful getting home!” I said I loved her again, before hanging up. I started my truck, and took a quick breathe, I hadn’t smoked for a while but today seemed like a perfect time to start again.