The New Face of Failure

I've been making a conscious effort to get away from filtering everything through TV. I figured it's time I showed some growth. It's been 3 1/2 seasons...is what the old me would have said. – Community

“So are you like dating him now?” That was the question Cassidy bombarded her with as soon as she had closed her dorm door and started changing. She had said it so loud that Harper was afraid that Patrick had heard her.

“Um, I don’t know,” Harper said truthfully. She and Patrick had never talked about it, not even after he had kissed her the first time in his car. She remembered the butterflies in her stomach as he moved closer to her, the feeling of his tongue slipping into her mouth and how it made her insides twist up with pleasure. It was her first real kiss (she didn’t count the kisses she had to do during Truth or Dare games in high school because they were usually short and had zero feeling in them), and it was probably at that moment the best thing and the scariest thing that had happened to her in her life.

“Well, you spent the whole day with him and last night so…” Cassidy tapped her foot expectantly.

“I honestly don’t know, Cassidy,” Harper repeated, giving her a pained look.

Cassidy shook her head. “This is pathetic. Well, if you don’t know then I guess you’re not. Which is good. You don’t want to get tied down to someone within the first week of college. You haven’t even really got to meet any other guys. And let me tell you, Alex, way hotter than that guy.”

Harper slipped on her sandals, refusing to look at Cassidy. God, she came to school with a boyfriend, so why is she telling me not to settle? And I’m not even settling! I really like Patrick and I think he’s really hot, Harper thought angrily.

Akemi was also asking the same question after Harper confessed to spending the night in Patrick’s dorm room to her.

“So you two slept in the same bed, but nothing happened?” Akemi asked her.

“No, I mean, we did kiss the morning after a little bit,” she admitted, remembering when they had woken up. It was weird opening her eyes and Patrick’s face being the first thing she saw. The only two people she had shared a bed with were her sister and Akemi. She had imagined what it would be like to sleep with a boy – it was a staple in all of her stories that she had written – but it was actually very different from what she had imagined. Patrick slept on his stomach and his legs sprawled out in two different directions and one of his arms slung over her upper stomach barely grazing her breasts. It was also very hot in the bed with the two of them so close together and she woke up in a cold sweat.

When she moved to sit up, she stirred Patrick, who opened his eyes just barely. “Good morning,” he mumbled, a small smile forming on his lips.

She smiled back and laid back down, switching to her side so that she could face him. “Hi,” she whispered softly.

“Did you sleep okay?” he asked her, stretching himself out and then slowly turning his body more on its side so that he could face her better.

She nodded. “Yeah, I hope I didn’t take up too much room.”

“Psh, no way,” he replied. They both stared at each other, grinning goofily until Harper decided to move in and kiss him. Patrick slid his arm around her body and slowly moved her onto her back with him laying on top of her. His hand then slid down and cupped her breast and she gasped with pleasure as he rubbed it gently. “Harper,” he murmured.

She kept her hands on his back, digging her nails into his shirt, but she wondered if he wanted her to move her hands somewhere else a bit lower. She could feel his other hand playing with the edge of her shirt and she heard herself saying in a voice that she wasn’t entirely sure was hers, “You can take it off.”
He pulled away slightly and looked at her like a kid who just opened his first Christmas present. He pulled up on the edge of her t-shirt and she sat up and raised her arms over her head so that he could pull it off. She then moved her arms behind her back and slowly unclipped her bra, letting it fall off of her in between their bodies.

Once it was gone, she felt exposed, Patrick’s eyes staring at her with a hungry desire. Her heart was racing, wondering if he thought she was too small. Akemi was always the one blessed with a C cup since she was fourteen and Harper was still sporting a small B.

Patrick hesitantly rested one of his hands on her now naked breasts and she shivered from his touch, and it felt good. She lowered herself back down onto the bed and went down with her, his lips moving away from hers and down her throat. She felt him grind his lower body against hers and she could feel his erection through his pajama pants, hard and long, poking her leg. Oh my God, are we going to have sex? She remembered herself thinking. She didn’t know if she was ready for it and she could feel the familiar pain in her chest and the shortness of breath that caught up to her when she wasn’t wary of it.
“I..I.. Patrick,” she gasped, her hands instantly moving between then, pushing him slightly up.

Patrick quickly pulled his hands off of her breasts and steadied himself slightly over her. He stared into her eyes and she knew he could see the fear in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t… I’m not…” ready yet, she thought. He seemed to understand because he quickly moved off her and stood up.

“That’s okay,” he said. “I, uh, I’ll be right back. I have to , er, go to the bathroom.” He scampered off into the bathroom, leaving her alone in his room. She was afraid that Patrick wouldn’t want anything to do with her after that, but when he returned from the bathroom a few minutes later, he asked her if she wanted to get breakfast.

“So, you make out with him, stay the night in his bed, and now you two spend all your time together, but you don’t know if you’re a couple?” Akemi said skeptically.

“We haven’t really talked about that specifically.”

“What do you talk about?” Akemi asked her, raising her eyebrows.

“Um, his music, music in general, movies, my story…”

“Wait, he’s reading your story?” Akemi looked surprised and slightly hurt. Harper grimaced. She didn’t want to let Akemi know that Patrick was reading her stories when she refused to let Akemi read any of them.

“Um, yeah, just a couple. He likes them and offers some good feedback.” She started chewing on her lip nervously.

“Oh, well, okay. That’s great.”

“Akemi,”

“No, I get it. We’ve been friends for how long? And you won’t let me see any of your stories, but you let hipster Harry see them and you two have been hanging out for, what, maybe three weeks now?”

“Akemi, I’m sorry. Do you want to read my stories?” Harper offered, surprised at herself for being so quick to do so.

“No, it’s okay Harper. I get it. You just don’t think I will appreciate them.”

“Akemi, that’s not true.”

“Yeah it is. I’m not some depressing, angst ridden artist like the two of you. It’s okay.” She stood up. “Look, I have to go. Tonight is the first night of pledging and I have to get ready.”

Harper quickly jumped up from the table, trying to ignore the slight her friend made against her. “Akemi, look I’m sorry okay? I really am. It’s not like that,”

Akemi whipped around. “Harper, it’s OKAY really. Don’t worry about it. Look, I know it’s probably stupid for me to ask, but are you sure you don’t want to come to pledge night?”

Harper felt dread creeping up on her. “Akemi, I know you want me to come, but it’s not really my thing, you know that.”

Akemi shook her head. “Fine. I’m tired of trying to force you to make friends anyway.” She dumped her tray and stormed out of the cafeteria, leaving Harper standing there a little shocked.

Harper dumped her tray and hurried back to her dorm. She stopped in front of Patrick’s door and knocked hard several times, then stood back to wait for him to answer it. However, it was one of his suitemates who answered the door, Avery. He was wearing only a towel tied around his hips and his curly blond hair was dripping wet. He seemed happy to see her.

“Payton’s girl!” he exclaimed.

She blushed. “Patrick,” she corrected.

Avery snapped his fingers. “Oh right. Sorry. Don’t tell him I messed it up.” He stayed in front of the door, not moving out of her way. “What’s up?”

“Um, well, I wanted to see Patrick,” she said, peering around him at the Joe and Patrick’s shut door.

“Oh yeah, duh. Come on in. He’s in there with some older dude, looks kind of gay.” Avery threw her a foreboding glance.

She realized that Pete had come over to do some songwriting with Patrick. Suddenly, she felt like she was intruding. Although she had been to several practices and a couple more gigs since the first one, she had never been to any of the “writing sessions” that Patrick and Pete had together. Joe had said that they were very intimate and could get heated. “If Patrick and Pete didn’t like girls, they’d be gay for each other,” Joe told her.

She pushed past Avery and went straight to the door. She knocked on his door several times.

“We don’t want any!” she heard Pete shout over the music they were playing.

The door then swung open and Patrick poked his head out. “Harper!” he exclaimed, his expression going from wary to excited within seconds. He then glanced over her shoulder and saw Avery standing there in his towel. “Oh, hi Avery.”

Avery waved at him. “Hey, good thing you answered because I was about to take her into my room and show her what’s underneath this towel.” He winked at Harper and she blushed. She wasn’t used to male attention in that way.

“Can I…” she gestured to the inside of his room, and Patrick nodded, opening the door so that she could slip inside.

“Look who it is!” Pete, who was sitting on Joe’s bed, jumped up and walked over to Harper, wrapping her in a big bear hug. “Hey Harper, how’s it going?” he sniffed her hair. “You smell like burnt meat and oregano.”

“I just came from dinner in the caf,” she explained. She turned around to face Patrick. “I’m sorry, I forgot that you and Pete were writing…”

Patrick cupped her face in his hands and he kissed her lips softly. “It’s okay, I don’t mind you here, do you Pete?”

Pete smiled. “Nah, it’s okay. So what’s going on with you, Harper?”

She sat down on Patrick’s bed and curled her legs up to her chest. “Akemi and I got into a fight,” she said, looking directly at Patrick. He sat down next to her and crossed his legs under himself Indian style.

“About what?” he said tentatively, although she was sure he could already deduce that it was about him. Akemi and Cassidy did not hide the fact that they were less than thrilled about Patrick. Every time they were around him, it seemed to Harper that they both had to up their rudeness, making snarky comments or flat out ignoring him. Harper knew that she should say something, but she was terrible at confrontation.

“We were talking about, um, well, us, you and me, and I kind of told her that I let you read my stories,” she paused. “Yeah, she didn’t take that too well.”

Patrick rested his hand on her knee. “Why don’t you let her read them?”

“Because deep down I know she will just criticize it,” she confessed to him. “I love Akemi, I really do, but sometimes, I think she’d like me better if I acted more like her.”

“Of course she does,” Pete spoke up. Harper looked over at him. “People are naturally drawn to people who are most like them. You and Akemi probably had a lot in common when you were younger, and then you grew up, started changing and she, being the bossy, insecure girl that I think she is, wanted to change you with her instead of realizing that you two don’t have much in common any more and going your separate ways.”

“Well, she was giving me more grief about not going to pledge night with her,” Harper added sullenly. “I don’t know, she’s always been a little pushy, but these last few weeks, she’s been getting worse.”

“Probably because while she’s out getting drunk with a bunch of her future sorority sisters, the one thing that she wants, that most girls want, you got first,” Pete pointed out. When Harper gave him a bemused look, he explained. “You got a guy. You got a boyfriend first. Girls like her, that’s what they really want.”

She felt Patrick’s hand squeeze her knee and he let out a small cough. So, they think we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Does that mean that Patrick has told them that they were? She let that thought run through her head. “Akemi never really made a big deal about getting a boyfriend,” she said quickly, moving the conversation back to her. “She always tells me that college is all about just having fun.”

“Of course she fucking does,” Pete said. “Any girl who tells you that she doesn’t want to date one guy, is a fucking liar. That’s what ALL girls want. That’s why they go to frat parties, get drunk and sleep with guys that pay them the least bit of attention. They are hoping one of those assholes will decide to stick with them for awhile.”

Harper glanced at Patrick who pushed his glasses back on the bridge of his nose and gave her a small smile. “That sounds so sad,” she said.

“It really fucking is,” Pete agreed.

“Okay, well this should set the mood for our songwriting session,” Patrick cut in. Harper looked at him apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… you guys get back to it. I’m going to read for my fiction course.” She grabbed her messenger bag that she had with her and pulled out the novel that her class was in the middle of reading. She inched back on Patrick’s bed and laid out on her stomach, kicking her legs in the air as she started to lose herself in her novel, half-listening to Pete and Patrick argue back and forth on word selection and composition. She thought that she wouldn’t be able to concentrate, but the white noise of their talk was actually a nice hum that made her feel at ease.

When they had finished up, Pete gathered everything together and stuffed it in a black backpack. “So, is your mom finally off your back about Chicago?” Pete asked Patrick as he zipped up his backpack.

Patrick sighed. “Kinda, not really. I think she realizes that I’m going to go either way, so she’s calmed down, but she does hint about not wanting me to go.”

“Well, at least she’s not forcing you into staying home with her and Robert.” Pete started to walk out of Patrick’s room then stopped. “Hey Patrick,”

“Yeah?”

“You should bring Harper to Chicago. I think she’d like it.” Pete made eye contact with her and winked.

Harper looked up at them surprised that Pete suggested she go to Chicago with them. She honestly hadn’t thought about taking the trip with them, pretty much because she knew her parents would want her to come home for fall break so that they could find out if she was liking college or not.

Pete left the room and left Patrick and Harper there with that idea in both of their heads. Patrick turned around and looked at her with interest. “You know, he’s right. You should come to Chicago with us. It’ll be a lot of fun,” he said giving her an encouraging look.

“You want me to come with you?” she replied, more curious than she was unsure that he would say yes
.
“Yeah, I mean… You are my girlfriend and all…”

“And you’re my boyfriend,” she said softly, smiling to herself. “I wasn’t sure…”

“Yeah… I know, we, um, never really talked about it did we?” Patrick scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “I mean, I would like to… be.. um you know, your boyfriend.”

Harper giggled and stretched out on his bed. “God, we are so bad at this!” She could feel him walking toward her and sit down on the bed. She gave him a contented look. “I want to be your girlfriend.”

He leaned down and kissed her lips. “Awesome. So, what about Chicago?”

“I want to go, that sounds amazing, but I don’t have the money for a plane ticket and I doubt my parents would want me going.”

Patrick frowned. “We’re not flying, we’re driving our van there. We need to take our equipment with us for the recording session. Since there’s four of us, we were just going to split the driving.”

Harper saw a glimmer of hope. “Well, that’s not too bad. I can ask my parents and see what they say. I’m sure if I mention that you’re my boyfriend, my mom will just say yes automatically. As much as she wants me to have a job out of college, I think she is much more excited about me possibly getting married.”

Patrick choked on something in his throat. “What?”

“Oh God!” Harper exclaimed, realizing what she said. “No, I mean, no, I’m not talking about us getting married. I just meant that she really wants me to have a boyfriend. No marriage, not thinking about it, not that kind of girl, promise,” she said quickly.

“Oh, I get it now. Sorry, I was a little caught off guard there.”

“I can see that,” she said, grinning. “See I really just said that because I like watching you sweat.”

He rolled his eyes, “Come here, you,” and he pulled her toward him into an embrace.

When Joe had come back, Harper said her goodbyes and headed back to her dorm room. AS soon as she walked in, she knew something was wrong. From inside their actual bedroom, she heard soft crying. Slowly opening the door, she peeked in and saw Cassidy curled up on her bed.

“Cass?” she crept in and shut the door behind her.

Cassidy didn’t even look up at her. “Those fucking bitches,” Cassidy whimpered, burying her face deeper into her pillow.

Harper sat down on Cassidy’s bed and laid her hand softly on her leg. “What’s wrong?”

“None of the sororities chose me to pledge for them,” she cried.

Harper had forgotten that Cassidy was also planning on pledging for a sorority because all of the rugby guys’ girlfriends were sorority sisters one way or the other. “I’m sorry, Cassidy.” She couldn’t believe that Cassidy wasn’t chosen. To Harper, Cassidy was the quintessential sorority girl; she had the attitude, the look, the boyfriend. It made her wonder if Akemi had gotten in.

“Now Derrick is going to break up with me.” She wiped her tearstained cheeks. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“I don’t think you did anything wrong,” Harper said softly. “I think they just are… bitches.” She really didn’t have a better answer for Cassidy and she didn’t know how to lie to her about this.

Cassidy looked up at her surprised. “My Harper, I have never heard you say a bad word about anyone.”

Harper blushed. “Well, I’m not a huge fan of the whole sorority scene. If you hadn’t noticed.”

“No, I did. I was surprised that your weirdo Asian friend didn’t drag you there against your will.”

“Oh, um, well Akemi and I kind of had a fight.”

“She’s jealous of you isn’t she?”

Now it was Harper’s turn to be surprised. “Um, well, you’re the second person to tell me that.”

Cassidy sat up. “Well, it’s true. A month into college and you have this cute little boyfriend who is all about you and what does she have? A couple of coke-snorting twat bags who get her drunk every weekend.”

Harper giggled, knowing that she was referring to Tiffany and Amber, the two sorority sisters from Delta Zeta. “But you don’t like Patrick, either” she pointed out.

Cassidy rolled her eyes. “I don’t not like him, I just wanted you to date someone on the rugby team so that we could hang out.”

That confession surprised her. The last thing she thought was that Cassidy wanted to hang out with her. They seemed so different. “Wow, I never thought…”

“That I wanted to be your friend? God, Harper, you are so naïve you know that?”

“Yeah, beginning to see that…”

“You’re a little weird, but I like you Harper. You’re at least real unlike most of the other girls around here,” Cassidy added. “Like those stupid sorority girls.” She sighed. “It’s going to be so embarrassing hanging out at the rugby house, knowing that those girls hate me.”

“Screw them. Shouldn’t it only matter that Derrick wants you around?” Harper rubbed her back reassuringly. “It’ll be okay Cassidy.”

Cassidy gave her a defeated smile. “Guess we’ll get to hang out more now.”

And she wasn’t kidding either. Harper couldn’t get rid of Cassidy after that. She started meeting up with Harper and Patrick during their lunch dates and would find Harper walking around campus so that they could walk to their next classes together. It was weird because before the only girl who wanted to be Harper's friend was Akemi, and now Akemi wouldn't even talk to her.

She of course got picked up by the Delta Zeta sorority and started the intense initiation process, which meant that she did not have time for her "old friends" as she had put it in a text message to Harper. It saddened Harper a little bit to see her only friendship start to break apart because of a stupid fight, but with her time split between Patrick, Cassidy, schoolwork and trying to write her story, she didn't really have time to grieve about it.

“Hey Harper, where are you going tonight?” Cassidy asked her one night as Harper was getting dressed to go see Patrick’s band play at the Union Transfer off of Spring Garden.

“Um, I’m going to see Patrick and his band play,” Harper replied, slipping on her black Converse sneakers. “Do you, um, want to come?”

Cassidy shrugged. “That could be fun. I’ve never seen a band play before.”

“Oh, really? Well, do you want to invite Derrick?”

“No, he’s busy with rugby practice and then he has to ‘study’.”

So Harper found herself dragging Cassidy to onto the subway, down Broad Street to Spring Garden. Then they had to walk a few blocks down to the venue and Harper had to listen to Cassidy complain about her choice of shoes the entire way.

“Ugh, why didn’t you tell me we had to walk all the way down here?” Cassidy cried out. “These stilettos were not made for walking.”

“Then what were they made for?” Harper asked.

“Standing around looking cute. Or sitting down looking cute,” Cassidy replied.

Harper rolled her eyes and tried to focus on the buildings around them. When they got to the large brick and cement building with wide arched windows. There was already a huge line of teenagers in line, many wearing some of the t-shirts that Harper had seen Patrick and his band members wear. She couldn’t believe that Patrick’s band had fans.

HERE. She texted to Patrick.

WHERE R U? He replied.

STANDING IN LINE. HAVE CASSIDY WITH ME.

As they stood in line, she overheard some of the girls talking wildly about the boys.

“I can’t wait until they release their album. When they blow up, I’m going to get to say that I was one of their first fans!” a girl with frizzy brown curls was gushing.

“I know, I’m so pumped. I hear that they might be having an after party somewhere. I need to find out where because I am totally going to screw the singer,” her friend with short black hair highlighted with purple streaks.

Harper looked away from the two girls, her stomach churning. They were talking about Patrick, her boyfriend. She wanted to speak up and tell the girl that there was no way that he would screw her because, well, he was with Harper and beyond that they hadn’t even done IT yet. She tried to drown out the girl’s voice, thinking about anything else. However, Cassidy heard every word.

“Um, excuse me, is that weirdo girl in front of you talking about your boyfriend?” Cassidy said loudly, gaining the attention of a few of the other patrons around her, including the two girls in front of her. The girl with the purple streaks in her hair looked at Cassidy and Harper oddly. “Yeah, you heard me, girl with the dragon tattoo. That singer you’re talking about, Patrick, is my friend here’s boyfriend. So you should probably dash your dreams now about sleeping with him.”

Harper’s face was burning up with embarrassment.

“You are dating the lead singer of Fall Out Boy?” the girl said, eyeing Harper with disgust.

“Um…”

“Harper!” She heard Patrick’s voice coming toward them and when she looked up he was walking over to her from around the back of the venue. All of the fans in line started calling out to him, and he hesitated slightly, not wanting to get any closer.

“Oh my God, it’s Patrick!” the girl cried out.

Harper met his eyes and grabbed Cassidy’s arm. “Let’s go.” She ducked underneath the rope, taking Cassidy with her. She came up to Patrick and maybe it was the jealousy she was feeling or the need to claim what was hers, but she grabbed Patrick and kissed him full on the lips. Patrick seemed surprised by her public display of affection, but didn’t hesitate to kiss her back. When they broke apart, she couldn’t help but look back at the girl with a withering glance. The girl was glowering at her with a look of envy that Harper had never seen another girl give her before.

“Wow Harper, that was slick,” Cassidy muttered approvingly, making Harper blush.

“What’s she talking about?” Patrick asked her as he took her hand and led them both to the back of the building.

“There was a girl in the line talking about trying to sex you up after the show,” Cassidy explained. Patrick looked back at Harper in surprise. “I was about to pull her clip on highlights out of her head, but you showed up in just the knick of time.”

Harper looked at Patrick to see how he reacted. He looked slightly perturbed. “Well, that’s interesting.” He squeezed Harper’s hand. “She’ll live. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

Harper shrugged. “Would it be any different from some girl in your class running into you at a frat party?”

Patrick smiled. “Yes, because there aren’t any cute girls in my classes beside Spanish,” he winked at her, “And you and I both know I don’t go to frat parties.”

“Oh wow, you two are sickeningly cute,” Cassidy remarked.

“Tell me about it,” Joe said walking up to them. He was hanging out with a couple of older looking guys with scraggly hair and three days growth on their faces and they all looked at Cassidy and Harper with amusement. “Hello there, Cassidy, how’s it going?” Joe leaned against a wall and gave Cassidy a roguish grin. She replied with a curled lip and a rolling of her eyes.

“Don’t bother, I’m extremely taken and I don’t date guys who looks like a homeless Slash,” Cassidy retorted.

“So why isn’t your boyfriend here with you?” Joe asked her.

“You know what, I’m not talking to you anymore,” Cassidy replied. She turned to Patrick. “Bathroom?”
He pointed down the hall and she turned on her heel and walked away from them.

Joe sighed. “She’s a bitch, but I’m highly attracted to her.”

Harper sighed and reached up to pat his shoulder. “Joe, you’re not her type.”

“That’s what she might want you to believe, but deep down she wants a bad boy.”

“Joe, you’re the farthest thing from a bad boy,” Patrick laughed. Joe rolled his eyes and turned back to the other band that he was chatting with. Patrick turned back to Harper. “So, you brought Cassidy…”

“She was bored. I think she actually likes me now…. And you be default,” Harper replied.

“What a relief. I was having a really hard time accepting that Cassidy hated me, ” he joked. He then grabbed her hands and rubbed them together. “So did you talk to your parents about fall break yet?”

Harper gave him her most reassuring smile. “Yeah, of course. They are cool with it.” His grin grew wide and he gave her a big hug.

“Yes, I am so pumped. It’s going to be such an amazing experience, trust me!” he kissed her lips over and over again.

“Okay, okay, I’m back and you two can stop,” Cassidy said.

Patrick pulled away and grinned at Cassidy. “Yeah, sorry. I have to go warm up anyway. I’ll see you later!”

“So, you didn’t tell him that you actually haven’t talked to your parents yet?” Cassidy said to her as they both watched Patrick walk away.

“Shh, Cassidy, don’t say anything. You know my parents would never say yes to that.”

Cassidy sighed. “Well, you have two weeks to decide what you’re going to do about it.”

Harper could feel that dread creeping up into her stomach. She never got around to asking her parents about driving with Patrick and his band to Chicago to record during fall break. Every time she got her mom on the phone, she kept asking her about classes and when she was going to meet this mysterious boyfriend of hers that Charley kept talking about at the dinner table. Plus, Harper was terrified of their answer because she knew deep down what their answer would be. She had never ever dreamed of lying to her parents before or even taking a road trip with a bunch of boys that she had only known for two months. However, something inside her was pushing her to make these defiant choices and change who she was. She just hoped that it was doing it for the right reasons.