I Love You More Than I Can Ever Scream

Andy's P.O.V:

I got into the car, keeping an eye on Ashley and hoping that he was sober enough to remember the directions to his house. He didn't seem that drunk, but I was still weary. He carefully got into my car and directed us to a block of flats.
"I live on the top floor. Do you want me to help bring up your stuff?" He asked, glancing to the back seats, in which my bags were sat.
"Erm... could you? You don't have to, it's just... I'd have to do a couple runs else," I quickly said, because I felt rude to expect such a thing of him. I mean, he was already letting me stay at his house, I couldn't ask him to be my servant.
"Of course I can, I wouldn't have asked you if I wouldn't be willing to help you," I nodded thankfully to him and got out of the car, opening the back door and grabbing a bag. Once Ashley and I managed to grab all of the bags, he led the way up to apartment up several flights of steps. As I walked up the steps behind him I couldn't help but watch his perfect butt. The way he wiggled his hips as he walked made it look all the more sexy. Man, I would love for him to be mine, but he is clearly straight. At first I wasn't sure because he started blushing, but then when the girls were asking about his tattoo he was practically inviting them to have sex with him there and then. And they looked willing to take him up on the offer.
"Andy, you need to sort yourself out before you are hated again," I muttered to myself, not realising I said it aloud.
"Why would you be hated, Andy? What's wrong?" Ashley's soft voice called down to me. Fuck. I'm bad at lying, and I can't tell him I'm gay, he will hate me.
"Oh, I didn't know I said that out loud, it's nothing, really,"
"Are you sure? You know I am always here for you, right?" I nodded my response, which was followed by immediate self-hatred because I realised he couldn't see me and I was, in effect, nodding to myself.
"Thanks" I said quickly to hide my mistake as the blush started to creep across my pale face.

His apartment was much different to what I had expected. We walked into the living area to be greeted by a large painting or Marilyn Monroe on the far wall, he had two cute little dogs and you could tell he pampered them a great deal because there were plush beds in the corner for them. He must have caught me staring at his pets because he quickly spoke up.
"Erm, yeah... you aren't allergic to dogs are you?" I let a chuckle escape from my throat; he was so cute when he panicked!
"No it's fine, I was just thinking about how cute they are," relief flooded through him as he led me through the living room and into a small corridor. Off this corridor there were three door, one for my room, one for the bath room, and the other was presumably for his room, seeing as the kitchen was a part of the living room. My room had three cream walls and one deep red, which match the curtains and bed spread. He carefully placed my stuff on the floor before turning to me.
"Go to sleep, Andy and we'll sort everything out tomorrow, okay?" I sleepily nodded in agreement and Ashley gently smiled at me as he walked out of the room. I quickly undressed, removing my black button down shirt and skinny jeans, leaving on my Batman boxers... what? Every person has to have one obsession, right? Happily, I got into the soft bed after turning out the light and wished to go to sleep.

However, for the most part of the night sleep was eluding me. Every time I close my eyes all I could see was Ashley's 'outlaw' tattoo. God damn it! Why did he have to be so hot? Why, of all people, did he have to be the one I ran into, the one who made me feel at ease, why did he have to be the one who offered me place to stay?

Why do I have to fall for him?

Despite sleeping in an actual bed, opposed to sleeping in the backseats of my car, which is what I have been doing for a while now, my sleep was not peaceful. All night I tossed and turned, in hope of getting some rest from my mind. Even my sleep was dominated by fantasies and imageries of Ashley. A chuckle from the door startled me awake,
"Did you enjoy your dreams much last night?" Ashley's chuckled "Because it sure as hell sounded like it with the moaning," my face grew red with embarrassment and I pulled the covers up over my head like a sulking two year old.
"What did you wake me for?" I asked, my head still covered by the blanket.
"I came to tell you that you can have a shower whenever you want, and we'll unpack your stuff after breakfast," And with that, he walked out of the room, leaving me to think of what happened. I took up his offer of a shower, and used that time to relax and think logically about it. Yeah, he may have known that I had some pretty messed up dreams last night, but he didn't know they were about him, so all was good.

After a while, I calmed myself down enough to not worry about it, and got out of the shower, dried myself off and got changed into my ripped skinnies, and a 'Misfits' Band T. I applied a little eye liner and styled my air before walking to the living area to see Ashley.
"I know, baby. I promise you I will make it up to you; why don't you come over tonight?" Ashley said into his phone, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I knew there was no way he could love me.

A few minutes later he finished talking on the phone and his deep brown eyes were sparkling with glee,
"Hey, Kina, my girlfriend, is coming over tonight, if that's okay?" He chimed. I nodded in response and flashed a fake smile to him. I knew he was straight. Damn, that Kina is a lucky girl.

Mindlessly, I made us some breakfast of eggs and bacon and just picked at my food. I wish I could say I was deep in thought, but it all honesty it was as if my brain wasn't working, I didn't feel anything. I couldn't think, I couldn't feel; it was as if I had stepped outside of my body and I was working on autopilot. After eating I found myself automatically walking to my room and putting my clothes away. I could see Ashley attempt to talk to me, but I couldn't hear him. I felt like I was in a bubble, and nothing could bring me out of it.

The second Ashley left my room I picked up my note book and started scribbling down some lyrics; I have always used this as my way of escape rather than self-harm

'Quiet as I watch you falling,
You become the prey again.'

I felt as though I was standing beside my body, looking down upon myself. Watching myself; watching as I fell in love again.

'I can see your skin is crawling,
Lipstick cases and sin.'

I wasn't quite sure what that was meant to resemble, but I rested on the fact that being gay is often counted as a sin and I was itching to be the one going out with Ashley, not that girl of his. I lay back on the bed in thought, thinking about what I could write next.

'Wake up, wake up, wake up.
You're drowning
same old song and dance.'

Every time I fell in love for someone it ended in pain; I felt as though I was drowning in an endless pit of despair. I wish I could just learn from my mistakes. My eyelids felt heavy as I let a tear slowly fall from my eye and allowed my eyelids to close around my remaining tears, pushing them back as I surrendered to sleep. Hopefully it will be peaceful now.