All Downhill From Here

I leaned back in the futon the had been recently placed in the center of the living room, right in front of the huge flat screen TV and the four giant speakers. It was mostly quiet in the room other than the faint sound of the Rage video game music playing from those giant speakers and the labored breathing from my friend who sat next to me. I sipped at my beer and stared aimlessly at the TV screen, wishing that I could just be anywhere else but here... Here in New Mexico, that is. This place was a hell hole and I could hardly stand it here. I wished I could get away - anywhere - but I was unfortunately stuck here until I had earned enough money to escape.
Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be so easy to leave this place behind. Most of my buddies lived here and what I had left of my family. Plus, I had just been evicted from my apartment, I got my car towed, and just recently got fired from my job. I used what last of money I had to get wasted on drugs and alcohol, even though I had been clean for a while of both. As much as I wanted to leave, I was kind of stuck here and would be here for quite a while.
After a while of silence, my friend finally piped up and asked me, “Who did that to you?” with a concerned tone. I soften my expression and looked over at him, examining him just as he was me. He had an extremely sweet and easily recognizable face. He had a handsome chiseled face with a wide jaw line that was covered in facial hair. Soft blue eyes that easily drew you in and what would be dirty blonde hair on the top of his head if he hadn’t had shaved it off only days before. He looked more and more concerned the longer that he looked at me and I could tell that he was just anticipating me answering him.
Jesse Pinkman. Jesse Pinkman was his name. I had met him approximately two or three months ago at rehab. We supposedly had the same sort of stories and backgrounds and the group counselor advised that we spent time together to help each other “heal” or some bullshit. The more and more that Jesse and I had hung out, we discovered that we did have a lot in common and that our stories had been similar, oddly enough. From there on, we learned more about each other and helped try to keep each other on the right track to stay clean. Sure, there were a few breakdowns and give ins to temptations, but the counselor said that that was the process of getting sober.
Jesse was there when I got evicted and when my car got towed and he offered for me to come and stay at his house until I was able to get back on my feet and manage on my own. I was eternally grateful and still am to this day. He helps and looks after me and I do just the same for him. Who would’ve guessed?
I shrugged my sore shoulders at him and sighed, “Uhm, I’m not too sure who they were. Some little punks, I’d assume wanting some sort of drugs or money or something.” He pursed his lips and bobbed his head up and down. “Obviously they didn’t get much,” I chuckled lightly and looked back at the TV screen. I sighed again and lifted my hand to gently rub my swollen and probably slightly bloodied lip.
I had gotten jumped by some little punk ass kids who were hoping to get something off me, but to my luck, they didn’t. I had been out looking for a job when it happened, but the job hunt was cut short due to the robbery attempt. I supposed that I had put in enough applications for the week considering I had been out almost everyday to do it and decided to take the next few days off from it.
I looked down to the beer bottle in my hand and picked at the sticker that was wrapped around the body of the bottle – a habit I had when I was either bored or nervous, which boredom was the motive here. I turned to Jesse to say something, but as I began to speak, the front door began to unlock and open, making Jesse apologize and stand up to turn to the door as it opened. I sighed and raised my brows, looking back down to the bottle and continuing to pick at the sticker.
“Hey,” Jesse greeted kindly. “Hi,” a small and sweet voice greeted back. Andrea. Andrea Cantillo was Jesse’s 20 something year old girlfriend. They had been going out for a couple of weeks now – it was rather recent. I highly despised her, but played nice for the sake of Jesse. Andrea was also a mother of a six – or was it seven? – Year old kid. The quietest and shyest kid I had ever met in my life, and believe me, I’ve met some pretty shy and quiet kids in my life time.
Andrea and Jesse had also met in rehab... er, counseling. They had met shortly after him and I had, I believe. I had been there about two weeks before she had showed up. I guess they hit it off pretty quick because before long, Jesse would end up going to her house straight after rehab or something like that. They hung out a lot after that. I don’t know, it really isn’t any of my business, nor did I really care.
“Andrea, you remember Carson, right?” Jesse questioned, gesturing to me. I looked up at Jesse and then over to Andrea and her son, Brock. They both had a couple of brown paper bags in their hands and dangling from their arms. I assumed they had just been at the grocery store. I smiled and gave them both a small wave before bringing my attention back to my bottle and sighing. I don’t know why I hated Andrea so much, I just did. She got on my nerves and was just constantly annoying and bugging me. She had this really weird sweet and innocent personality and that was just bothering, I guess.
Jesse took the bags from Andrea and Brock and brought them to the kitchen and immediately returned. “Carson? Do you want to eat dinner with us?” Andrea asked me, walking towards Jesse. I looked over just as Brock jumped onto the very edge of the futon and then looked up at Andrea. I stood up and shrugged my shoulders, walking past them and towards the kitchen. I gulped the last of my beer and tossed it in the trash can before turning and looking back at Andrea and Jesse.
“No. Thank you, though,” I replied. “C’mon, Carson,” Jesse said, sighing, “Just stick around for dinner.” I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest, looking between Andrea and Jesse. “What’re you making?” I questioned, squinting my eyes. Andrea laughed and smiled at me, “We’re making a salad and some lasagna.” I pursed my lips and sighed, deciding slowly. “Do I have time to get cleaned up and take a shower?” I questioned the both of them. Jesse scoffed and rolled his eyes, “It’s fuckin' lasagna.”
I sarcastically laughed at him and dashed towards and up the stairs and into my very empty bedroom. I went over to the dresser and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a tank top from the drawer before going into the bathroom to take my shower. I attempted to take a quick shower, but I somehow managed to take longer than anticipated. The hot water that splashed on my tense and sore shoulders felt surprising good, causing me to stand there and stare aimlessly at the wall for a good ten minutes. I finally shut the water off and wrapped a towel around myself before going into my bedroom to change.
Once I had gotten my clothes changed, I was going to blow dry my hair but instead took my contacts out and replaced them with my squared black rimmed glasses. I exited my room and descended down the stairs to where Jesse, Brock, and Andrea were all sitting in the living room. Jesse and Brock had been playing an X-Box game... I was thinking probably Sonic?
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a Coca-Cola out of the fridge and then walked back out into the living room. I sat down on the floor next to the futon and gazed at the TV screen, seeing that it was indeed Sonic – GoKarting, or whatever the damned game was called, of course. I’m pretty sure this was the only kid friendly game that Jesse actually owned, so it made sense. I popped the tab on my can and took a small sip before pulling my knees up to my chest.
“What happened to a quick shower?” Jesse questioned, trying to keep his attention on both me and the game. I raised a brow for a moment before replying, “I never said that I was going to take a quick shower.” “Oh,” he mumbled, “I thought I heard you say it was going to be quick.” I nodded and chewed on my bottom lip, thinking about what the hell I was going to do with myself and my life.
“Carson? Do you want to sit up here? I’m sure we can make room,” Andrea mentioned, leaning around Jesse to look at me. I looked over at her and then down to my soda can. I slowly shook my head and stood up, “Uhm, actually I’m going to go out for a smoke.” I grabbed my carton of cigarettes off the table and headed for the door. “Oh, hey, I’ll join you,” Jesse mumbled. I looked back at him. “Take over for me, will ya?” he said, handing over his controller to Andrea and standing up and walking towards me.
I opened the door and walked out onto the porch. I pulled a cigarette out of the carton and handed it to Jesse before grabbing one for myself and putting it between my lips. I took my lighter out and lit up my cigarette and then handed it to Jesse for him to do. I took a drag and looked down at my bare feet, slowly blowing all of the smoke out from my mouth.
“Hey, uhm,” Jesse mumbled, grabbing my attention and causing me to look up at him curiously. “Are you alright?” he questioned. I raised my brows and nodded at him slowly, pursing my lips. “How convincing,” he rolled his eyes. I slightly chuckled and looked back down to my feet, taking another, slow, drag. I looked up at Jesse and pursed my lips for a moment before sighing, “I left my soda inside.”
“Do you want to talk about anything?” he questioned immediately, raising a brow at me and completely disregarding my statement. I slowly shook my head and shrugged my shoulders, “No? I mean, not really.” “Then what’s wrong?” he asked me, noticing my slight frustration. Jesse seemed to be quite good a reading my emotions, especially as of lately. It seems easy for him to just immediately read my emotions no matter what I’m feeling. It was crazy and kind of... annoying, sometimes.
I shrugged my shoulder at him, “I don’t know... Tired.” “No, no,” he shook his head at me and took a drag of his cigarette, “That’s not it.” In all honesty, I was pretty tired. I had gotten up early – not exactly getting a good night sleep, by the way – and walking around town to put in applications, plus getting into a fist fight with those kids, but he was indeed right. Being tired wasn’t the full thing. I was frustrated in all different ways and I was wishing I had some sort of drugs on or even with me right now.
“You know,” I mumbled, bending down and putting the cigarette out. I stood back up and headed for the door only for Jesse to grab my arm and stop me. “What?” I asked, looking at him curiously. “Carson, you’re not... You’re-” he paused and slowly shook his head at me. “I’m not what?” I asked. “You’re not using again, are you?” he questioned, raising a brow. I stared at him for a while and sighed, shaking my head at him, “No, I'm not.”
He dropped his hand from my arm and nodded, “Alright.” He didn’t seem like he was convinced, but he didn’t act like he was going to push it, which was great. I didn’t exactly feel like talking, let alone on that subject. Talking about it would probably make me want to do it more. Just thinking about it made me want to do it. I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck, shaking my head. “No, but I’m going to go to bed before I decide to do something stupid,” I mentioned, walking into the house and closing the door behind me. I grabbed my drink from the ground and looked at Brock and Andrea, “Goodnight, earthlings. I will probably see you in the near future.”
“Oh, okay,” Andrea smiled at me, “Goodnight, Carson.” I nodded and headed up the stairs and into my bedroom. I closed the door and the blinds before climbing into my bed and under my covers. I had hoped that tomorrow would be a better day for me... Maybe I’d even be able to get some sleep tonight considering how tired that I was so I could feel actually okay tomorrow.



I had fallen asleep for a few hours but was rudely awoken by my stomach growling, letting me know that I was extremely hungry. I hadn’t eaten the dinner that Jesse and Andrea made, unfortunately, so I decided to get up and reheat some leftovers – if there were any in the first place. I grabbed the long tin pan from the fridge and took the lid off, revealing the cheesy lasagna. My stomach immediately growled. I grabbed a fork and knife from the drawer and cut out some lasagna and put it on a place, placing it in the microwave. I set it for 30 seconds and then another 30, which somehow managed to make the entire plate as hot as fire, but the food as cold as ice.
I groaned in aggravation and let the plate cool before putting it in for another 30. I pulled it out of the microwave, not caring anymore whether the food was cold or hot, and set it on the counter. I sighed and took a bite of the lasagna, which happened to still be cold, and rolled my eyes. I no longer cared whether or not it was, so I finished the small rectangle I had, rinsed the plate, and put the rest of the lasagna away.
I walked into the living room, where I discovered Brock sleeping on the couch and pursed my lips. Andrea must have decided to spend the night. I grabbed the carton of cigarettes of the table and walked to the front door, quietly walking out. I just had hoped that I wasn’t too loud and woke him up. I sat down on the step on the porch and lit up a cig. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anytime soon, considering my fucked up sleeping schedule due to what work hours I had before I got fired and also because of sleeping in a new place.
By now, I had expect to be used to Jesse’s house considering how long I had been there, but I still wake up in a panic not remembering where I am, which is quite frustrating, I admit, but I’ll have to get over it and used to it. Almost 2 months? Seems like enough time to get used to it. Jesse suggested that I take some sleeping pills to help get my schedule back on track, and it was a good suggestion... I don’t know why I hadn’t taken his advice and done it yet.
Jesse told me that I could stay as long as I wanted and needed, but I already feel like such a burden. I mean, he’s a great friend for taking me in when I needed it and I am forever grateful and I totally owe him, but it’s just kind of... difficult for me. I’m not quite used to people reaching out to me and helping me when I needed it. The impotence that I felt was overwhelming.
I mean, I am useless, though... I have no job, no car, and no set path in life. For all I know, I’ll probably still be in New Mexico, bumming off of my so called “friends” for the rest of my life. It’ll probably end up being Jesse still, too. At this rate, it seems about right. I sighed and shook my head, “Son of a bitch.”
“What?” I heard Jesse question behind me. I turned and furrowed my brows, “Uhm... Nothing.” When did he get there? He nodded and sat down next to me, playfully bumping my shoulder with his. I looked at what he was wearing and raised a brow at him, “What are you dressed for?” I questioned. He laughed and shrugged, “I never changed out of what I wore yesterday.” I nodded and looked down, noticing he still even had his sneakers on. “Can’t sleep?” he questioned. I shrugged, “I slept for a little while, but I doubt that I’ll get anymore.” “What have I told you about sleeping pills?” he raised a brow and look at me like it was completely obvious.
I rolled my eyes at him and scoffed, “Jesse, you don’t even care about my wellbeing. You just want to be right about everything, you asshole.” “Clearly,” he chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck with the palm of his hand, looking down at the ground, “But really, though.”
I put my hand up to stop him and shook my head, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Try the sleeping pills.” “It can’t hurt to try,” he mumbled, shrugging. “Unless I accidentally overdose and die,” I mumbled - completely kidding -, taking a drag of my cigarette. Jesse raised a brow at me and gave me a concerned look, revealing that he didn’t catch my joking tone.
I had a history of “accidental” overdoses and suicides that had been brought up and discussed about during rehab and just between the two of us. Jesse told me after a while that he considered me one of his best friend and someone that he can truly trust and who he truly cares about. He told me that never wanted me to have any overdoses – accidental or not – or any suicide attempts because he wouldn’t know what to do without me. He supported me 100% and I did with him too.
I mean, of course, Andrea supports him 100% as well, but, I don’t know. It’s kind of different with Jesse and me. Although he and Andrea are much closer and are together, it just seems different between him and me. I mean, maybe because he considers me his best friend and him mine? I somewhat feel safe with him, even though I have no reason to feel that way.
I sighed at his expression and shook my head, “Don’t worry, Jesse. I wouldn’t do that.” I patted my hand on his shoulder and gave him a small smile. He raised his brows for second before nodding at me, “You better not.” I chuckled and offered the rest of my cigarette to him, in which he took from my hand and took a long drag.
I leaned against him and sighed, chewing on my bottom lip for a moment. “Hey, so, look,” I mumbled, pushing the hair from my face. “Yeah?” he questioned, then took another drag. I looked down at the sidewalk and sighed before saying, “I kind of just want to thank you.” “What for?” he asked, curiously. “Hey, well, you know. For letting me stay here and what not,” I told him, slightly shrugging my shoulders. “No, no, no,” he pulled away from me, causing me to sit up straight and look at him strangely.
“Don’t thank me,” he said sternly, putting out the cigarette on the cement and flicking the rest of it into the yard. “Wh-Why?” I asked. “Because you don’t need to thank me, Carson. I’m doing that because I care. I’m doing it because I don’t want you living out on the streets, man,” he mentioned.
“I mean, yo, you’d be crazy if you’d think I’d let you live out there,” he chuckled, but I could sense the seriousness in his tone. I laughed and rolled my eyes, gently punching his arm, “Well, I appreciate it anyway, asshole.” “It’s no problem. You’re not some crazy junkie,” he shrugged his shoulder at me. “Anymore,” I stated.
He scoffed and shook his head, “Shut up.” I laughed and clasped my hands together, looking down at the cement and sighing. I knew that Jesse sensed that something was wrong, but I also knew that he wasn’t going to push it if I didn’t act or seem like I wanted to talk about. He was good about that, most of the time. Other times he would push and push and push to the point of where I just couldn’t handle it anymore and broke down crying. Those moments happen rarely now. They only really happened when Jesse was having a bad day and was just frustrated, over whatever, and somehow needed to take it out. Not that taking it out of me was the best way, but, hey, whatever floats his boat.
Jesse placed his hands on my shoulders and massaged the tight muscles that I had and sighed, “Everything is going to be alright, Car.” I pursed my lips and shook my head, closing my eyes. I wanted to believe him, but couldn’t convince myself to. I didn’t know how he was being so positive about this situation. I don’t know, maybe he was being positive for my sake, or something, which was something that could potentially help me out. I kind of needed a positive thing in my life to get me through.
I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, “I guess.” He sighed and grabbed onto my shoulders, gently shaking me. “Hey, how about you and me go out into town tomorrow and just, like... Do something, huh? We can go to the arcade or we can just... hang somewhere,” he mentioned. I opened my eyes and looked over where I had seen the sun beginning to shine over the horizon. I pursed my lips and looked back down to the cement.
“What do ya say, Carson?” Jesse asked, gently shaking me again. I sighed and nodded slowly. “Yeah?” he questioned, leaning closer and resting his chin on my shoulder. I nodded again, “Yeah, okay.” He smiled and pulled away from me, patting his hands on my shoulders. He stood up and ruffled my hair up, chuckling. “Alright, well, once Andrea and Brock get up, she’s going to make him breakfast and his lunch. They’ll leave for soon around seven thirty-ish,” he mentioned to me. I nodded and fixed my hair before looking back at him, “Okay.” “Soo... I was thinking that we’d leave around maybe eight thirty?” he questioned, “We can get breakfast if you want and then some lunch around noon or something.” I nodded and stood up, “Okay, that sounds good to me.” He grinned and nodded at me, “Cool.”
It had been a while since Jesse and I had hung out... Just the two of us. It had been a couple of weeks, at least, since him and I had hung out. It was going to be cool to just spend the day hanging out with him. No one else. It would just be the two of us hanging out like it was before Andrea and Brock had come into Jesse and me’s life. It was going to be pretty cool just to have the whole for to ourselves.
I walked to the door and quietly enter, Jesse following right behind me. Some light was coming through the window and illuminating the living room. I looked in the kitchen and saw Andrea rushing around the kitchen and Brock standing in the kitchen doorway watching her. I raised a brow and looked at Jesse whom just shrugged his shoulders. “It must be seven,” he mumbled, walking toward the kitchen. He patted Brock on the shoulder before entering the kitchen and walking toward Andrea.
I sighed and walked up behind Brock and crossed my arms over my chest. Brock turned and looked at me before scurrying into the kitchen and standing against the counter. I chuckled and took a step forward, leaning against the wall. I swear that kid had something against me. He hated being anywhere near me and would refuse to talk to me whenever I tried to have a conversation with him... There was no winning with this small child.
“Wait, you’re leaving early?” Jesse suddenly asked Andrea as she was rushing around to put both her and Brock lunch together. “Yes, and I didn’t even get the chance to shower last night and I can’t get one this morning. I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make my lunch,” she explained. Jesse shook his head and reached out for Andrea’s arm, “Hey. Let’s go for lunch.”
I furrowed my brows and stared at Jesse. What? Are you kidding me? “Lunch?” Andrea asked, stopping what she was doing and looking over at him. “Yeah,” he nodded, “Carson and me were going to hang out today.” Were? Oh, yeah, did I just get blown off within two minutes of making plans? What the fuck? Andrea shook her hands and sighed, “Oh, no. I can’t do that. I don’t want to intrude on your guys’ plans.”
“No, no! You wouldn’t be intruding. You don’t have a problem with it, right Carson?” he looked over at me. I raised my brows at him and pursed my lips, shaking my head. Hell yes I had a fucking problem with it. Today was supposed to just be about him and me. Two buddies. Two best friends hanging out. No, I had no fucking problem with her joining and ruining the most fun that I would’ve had today. Hahaha, no, no problem at all.
“Carson?” Jesse asked again. I shook my head and mentally slapped myself. I put a believable smile and shook my head again, “No, no. No problem at all. That’s fine.” He smiled and looked back at Andrea, “You see? There we go. Problem solved.” Andre smiled and wrapped her arms around him, “That’s wonderful. I look forward it.” I rolled my eyes and pushed off the wall walking towards the stairs. I was sincerely not happy about having to meet up with Andrea at lunch time that I was seriously considering not going with Jesse at all today. Yeah, yeah, I don’t get a lot of chances to hang out with him by myself and I should suck it up, but it kind of sucked that Jesse invited her to come to lunch with us. Ugh, I was so frustrated.
“It’ll be a lot of fun. Yeah, Carson and I will-” Jesse paused for a moment before I heard his sneakers squeak against the hardwood floor and him call, “Carson!” up the stairs. I was already upstairs, walking in my room, avoiding the temptation to slam my door behind me as I entered the room. I shut the door quietly and walked over to my dresser, grabbing a pair of clean clothes out and changing into them.