Sweet Like Sugar

I am close to death. At least that’s what it feels like. I grab my inhaler from my pocket and breathe the Albuterol into my lungs, and though it stops the tightening of my chest, it’s no use for the throbbing pain I feel running through my legs. I quit. I fall to my knees in the grassy field and place my hands on top of my head, desperately trying to find some relief. I didn’t need this. It was summer and I didn’t even play sports. Why was I even out here running laps before the sun came up? Why was I putting myself though physical torture?

“Don’t tell me you’re tired already.”

He jogs to my side with a grin on his face that mocked me and I rolled my eyes, still too tired to form any words.

Oh yeah. That’s why.

I had absolutely no idea why I ever told Finn that I would be his work out buddy. I had never worked out a single day in my life. At least not purposely. When I agreed to do this I had no idea what he was talking about. Which was becoming quite usual for me. I would just smile and nod and he’d just keep going, which worked out perfectly for me because it gave me more time to focus on his amazing eyes. I vaguely remember nodding when he asked if I wanted to join him one morning.

“I’m dying.” I’m finally able to say, still panting. I roll onto my back and spread out looking it at the sky. The stars had long since faded as dawn was approaching.

“We just started, Albie.” He fold his arms and lets out a pitiful chuckle.

“Quick question. Why are you trying to kill me?”

He laughs again, leaning over me. “All we did was run up and down the field…once. What happened to ’Oh yeah I love to work out. I love to feel the burn’.” He mimics me in a husky voice and waves his arms around for emphasis.

“Okay, A) I never said that and B) I’m a little offended you think I sound like that.

He sighs and throws me the towel from around his shoulders. “There’s some water in my bag. Relax, okay? The sun will be up soon so I’m gonna finish up.”

He places his ear buds back in his ears and runs back to the center of the field. From where I’m sitting I watch as he continues a sprint down and back, with pushups and jumping jacks and it makes me exhausted just looking at him. Though, he isn’t hard to look at and I would rather be here drained, sweaty, and almost dying with him than anywhere else right now. I pay close attention and make mental note to remember how his arms and knees look when they bend so I can get it down on paper later.

After I calm down a bit and allow my heart rate to regulate again, I decide to join him for his last few laps around the field. We run in silence, in sync and every few paces he’d look to his left and flash me his perfect teeth, which gave me enough strength finish.

By the time we’re finished the sun is completely up and the air feels thick around us and I’m back on the ground panting like crazy again. This time instead of mocking me, he sits beside me, pulls his shirt off, and lays back.

“That felt good, right?”

“We obviously have different definitions of the word.”

It wasn’t odd seeing shirtless Finn. I had probably seen him shirtless several times now, so I was pretty much a pro at hiding my interest in his abs. Though it always made me a little happier. I pulled my shirt off too because it was a thing I’d seen the other boys at soccer practice do, and I was a boy so I should do boy things right? I quickly realized that my body and Finn’s body were on two completely different levels. Where he was chiseled and cut, I was pudgy and …square. I just put it back on.

I can hear the slight roar of his IPod headphones still playing music and I pick it up to see what song he was listening to.

When I have one headphone in I realize that it’s a fairly popular rap song that playing on the radio at least once every hour.

I nod my head to the beat and look over to him. “I didn’t know you liked rap.”

“Who doesn’t like rap?” He raises an eyebrow and I nod in agreement.

“Well we live in the middle of no-where hick-town Georgia so I was expecting something a little more…white?”

“Wow.” He picks up the other ear bud and places it into his ear. “I’ll have you know I have a great appreciation for all types of music. Rap is good to listen to when working out. It gets you pumped up, you know?”

I didn’t know. “Yeah...I can feel the energy pumping though my veins already.”

“Shut up.” I’m elbowed by him with a grin.

“I was expecting like….Billy Ray Cyrus or something.”

“Just a whim here but, you only said him because he’s the only country artist you know. And you only know that because you watched Hannah Montana, didn’t you?”

“Do not try to shame me for liking Hannah Montana, it was a great show and Miley Cyrus was hot to eleven year old me.”

See. I could act straight if I wanted to. I’d been subconsciously doing it my whole life, I think.

“No lie there. So...what about you? What kind of music do you listen to?”

“Uh...I don’t know I really like pop music. It’s just fun and also really sad ballads by powerful female vocalist. Mostly what’s on the radio. As for bands I guess Blink 182, Sublime, and there’s always going to be a soft spot in my heart for NSYNC.”

“No George Strait or Blake Shelton?”

“Who?”

He laughed again. “That’s what I thought. My all-time favorite band is Bright Eyes. Have you ever heard of them?”

“I think so. I’m not really sure.”

“They’re amazing. It’s really different the other stuff I listen to. They sing about …pain. Real stuff.
And you can feel it. When he sings, you can feel everything he’s saying. It’s sort of soothing…in a way.”

He picks up the IPod as the rap song fades out and scrolls down until he picks a different one.

“This one is my one of my favorites. It’s called Lua.”

The song started to play and though it was already silent around us, morning breaking, even the background noises of the birds and passing cars seem to fade and it’s just us. Just this empty field and us. The singer’s voice is soft and calm with his guitar playing in the background and it reminds me of a lullaby.

Finn closes his eyes, leaning back and when he repositions his hand it lands on top of mine. I tense and my first through is move it away. That this is not allowed. But by the time I get ready to move I realize that he isn’t moving either and maybe…it wasn’t an accident. Maybe this didn’t overstep any boundaries.

I wonder if he can feel my hand getting sweaty and I make sure not to make any sudden movements. This was good. This was enough. I could handle this.

The song needed too soon, in my opinion and as soon as the final note faded so did our small embrace. It was like it never happened. Almost as if he didn’t even notice that my hand was there, right under his. He didn’t acknowledge it at all. Not in the slightest.

He opened his eyes and smiled at me. “Amazing right?”

I nodded.

“Well...we better get going. The sun is already up and people are going to start waking up soon.

“Y-yeah...ok.”

“I can walk you home…it’s on the way.” He stands first and then hold his hand out for me to grab, which a happily do until he pulls me up to his level.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. You know…we could make this like…a thing or something.”

“A thing?”

“Yeah, like a routine or something. Like every Wednesday we should do this…together.”

I had to think about if almost dying once a week due to physical exercise was worth the possibility of more tiny embraces. It wasn’t something I had to think about long.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“I want to.”

“Good…I mean...nice. Okay, so next week. We’ll do this again.” He smiles at me and I know it’s not healthy to look into his eyes but I do for a quick second and it’s like I’m seeing them for the first time again. How were they still so amazing?

This is what boys did. This is what boys who were friends did. They hung out and just enjoyed each other company. It didn’t have to be weird. This was enough for me. Just being around him was enough.

We get to my house quicker than I want.

“You’re still coming to my game Friday right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“See you around, Albie.”

His hand was so close to mine. I could just reach out and grab it. I could just lean over place my lips against his. It seemed so easy in theory. But this was all I got and this had to be enough. If one day ever came that it wasn’t, I’d be in a lot of trouble.

“Bye, Finn.”