Don't Call This Love

Warm sunlight on my skin, the fresh summer oxygen….

All things I had been missing.

Instead of being able to enjoy my summer outside, like every other teenager, I’m here. In this unfortunate dwelling my professor has identified as home. Rather than acquire glowing skin from days spent soaking up sunshine, my color is swiftly paling. My face was almost the shade of my beloved Draco’s hair.

"I’m in crucial need of some vitamin D." I remarked in acknowledgment to my ghastly complexion. As I observed the mirror, I realized I didn’t even look like myself. I had bags below my eyes, from not being able to sleep. My hair was getting ratty from not brushing it. I had stopped putting any effort into looking pleasant, once I finally understood, I wasn’t going anywhere. But this, this was a disgrace. I looked downright beggarly.

And just when I imagined I couldn’t feel any worse, a figure appeared behind me.

"You look dreadful. You should at least try to brush your hair. It’s starting to look like that Granger girl’s." Snape said giving me a once over."Let me go outside." I said turning to face him."Looking like that? I don’t think so. You’d misrepresent all Slytherins and Death Eaters alike. I don’t want people thinking we don’t bathe." He said apathetically."I’m Not a Death Eater!" I objected immediately. It wasn’t until I saw the interest spark in his eyes, that I realized what I said.

It was possible, I was just as good as dead now.

"I see. You feel firmly about this do you?" Snape challenged stepping closer to me. All I could do was nod my head as I mentally scolded myself. "And this," He spoke pulling up his sleeve, "How do you feel about this?" He asked forcing his arm in front on my face. I looked down at his dark mark, I could feel my skin crawling. I leaned as far away as I could. I shut my eyes and tried to wish myself away.

Then something happened as Snape stepped closer and demanded an answer.

He was just inches away from me, and the only thing I could focus on was how intoxicating he smelled. It drew me in. I opened my eyes and gazed onto his hard face.

Maybe it was just a trick of the light, but I could have swore I saw his face soften just a little.

My eyes flickered back to his dark mark. I reached out and caught his arm in my hand forcefully. He watched at me with surprise, like he could have never considered I would’ve responded this way. “It’s such an permanent thing isn’t it? The brand of pure wickedness. Only those who dare bear it can be nothing but soulless, ruthless pawns to the Dark Lord. Right? Death Eaters haven’t a speck of humanity in them. That’s what this mark implies. Doesn’t it?” I questioned intently searching his face.
I can’t explain it in words, or even emotions. Yet I witnessed something in his face then.

That’s when I knew, Severus Snape was not what he appeared to be.

It took a moment, but a short one none the less, for Snape to compose himself.

"I suppose." He hissed."It’s rubbish." I spat releasing his arm. Snape stepped backwards towards the door as he gave me puzzled look.

"Get dressed. I’m taking you out." He said finally speaking. I didn’t comprehend what he had been talking about, although I didn’t argue."What should I dress for?" I asked curiously."Dinner at the Malfoy’s. No doubt formal." He replied hurriedly, then turned and rushed out of the bathroom.
I twisted back towards the mirror trying to wrap my head around what had just taken place. I turned the sink on and splashed my face with water.

What was that?

Why did I act like that?

Snape didn’t know, and I sure as hell didn’t either.

My behaviors were the least of my problems. It was my emotions that were positively alarming me. Gone where the feelings of hatred and disdain for my potions master.

Instead, were emotions of fondness.

I looked at my face in the mirror one more time. I watched at the water droplets flowing down my face, when it finally hit me.

I knew what it all meant.

I was losing my fucking mind.