Eye's Like a Car Crash

"Josh are you awake?"
Oli was poking at my side trying to get me to wake up even though I didn't want to.
"I'm up, what's wrong?" I said groggily
"I can't sleep"
It's been a week since the incident on Hanna's birthday and he hasn't been able to sleep at all. It's really starting to worry me. His eyes were sunken, swollen and red from not sleeping. The little but of sleep he did get was always interrupted by some type of dream involving Austin. He was glued to my side the entire time too, it's starting to scare me how dependent he is on me. Not that I mind, I love him and would do anything for him, I'm just afraid of what might happen if I'm gone. The time read three in the morning, the usual time he was up asking if I was awake.
"Come here love" his tired body slowly leaned into mine and I wrapped my arms around his thin body. The way his bony arms felt on mine were also starting to scare me, it wasn't normal for him to be this thin. Up until now I never worried about it, I never really realised how mentally fragile he is. I rubbed his chest and kissed his head that was resting peacefully on my chest. My eyes started to droop and sleepiness overtook me. My eye lids fluttered shut and I fell asleep to the feeling of Olis chest rising and falling from his light breathing.
There was movement that woke me up and I soon realised what it was. Oli was having a nightmare, he was whimpering softly and kicking his legs. It broke my heart to see him like this. I shook him lightly to try and wake him up but it only made him jump up in fear.
"Oli it's okay, it's just me"
He relaxed a bit and collapsed onto me, gripping onto my arms like a child afraid he'd lose his parents. His breathing was scattered one second it was to fast and the next it was to slow. I rubbed his back in attempt to comfort him to no avail. The tears started to stream down his face and he began to breathe heavily again. His grip became harder and his nails started to dig into my skin. I could feel his heart pounding against my chest, his breathing became short soon turning into a wheezing sound. His frail body shook, I didn't know what to do or what to say. He was having a panic attack and was in no control of his body at the moment.
"Hanna, come quick!" I yelled holding onto Olis shaking body
Han came and saw what was happening.
"Han what do I do?"
She stood there, a worried look flashed on her face as she thought to her self. She walked towards Oli and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Let go of him josh, he needs space"
"But Han he's gripping onto me really hard"
"Josh trust me, give him room to breathe, Oli its going to be okay love"
His hands loosened from my arms and he rocked back and forth.
"Oli try to control your breathing"
Hanna looked him in the eyes, showing him how he should be breathing. As hard as he tried to go along with her breathing, and as hard as he tried to stop what was happening nothing changed.
"Josh get him some cold water"
I hurried to the kitchen and got it for him. I could hear Han guiding Oli through this. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration at the situation. He didn't deserve this, no one as sweet as Oli deserved this. I held the water to his mouth and helped him drink it. His hands were shaking to badly to hold the cup.
"Han how long will this go on? I'm really worried"
"I don't know Josh, we just have to wait these sort of things out"
And that's what we did. We sat there until he started to feel a bit at ease. It felt as if hours had passed by. He sipped the water every now and then, keeping his head low.
"You a little better now Olipop?" Hanna asked rubbing his leg. He nodded in response. His face was stained red from all the tears that came streaming down.
"I'm gonna go take a shower to relax a bit" Oli said rubbing his neck
The water was on and Hanna and I sat in silence. We were both worried, confused and left wondering how we can help Oli.
"Han, what if he gets worse?"
"I don't know Josh, maybe we should get him actual help"
Her words lingered in my mind, maybe I'm not able to help him.
I looked at the clock and it was nearing time for me to go to work. I was tempted to call out and say I was sick but I had to go.
"Han will you be okay with Oli? I have to work but I can cancel band practice"
"Yea I'll be fine, and don't cancel, we'll be okay"
"You sure?"
She smiled sadly and patted my back so I could get up and get ready.
Oli came out the shower and stood at the doorway, a white towel wrapped around his thin frame. I smiled and he whispered lightly to me.
"I don't need to get help"
He plopped onto the bed and started drying his hair. And that's when I noticed.
His towel was riding up a bit with his movement. His thin legs were littered with white lines, but the higher his towel went the lines became an intense red.
My heart sunk. I walked over to him, and placed my hand on his warm skin.
"Oli, you know I love you right?"
"Yea I do" he replied quietly, unknowing that he was showing me what he had done to himself.
"And I want what's best for you, I want to see you happy" pulling down his towel he looked into my eyes. His expression changed in a split second, from a serious face to one of fear.
"But if you keep doing this to yourself, you won't be happy, Oli please" my face became warm with the tears that were now falling onto the mattress.
Changing the subject, he spoke to me.
"Josh I need to get changed"
"Oli, you can't just push me away so easily. I want to help you, I'm offering to but you keep shutting me out. All I want is for you to stop hurting"
"That's the thing Josh, you can't help me, just leave, get out and leave me be, we all know you want to" his voice rang through the house and his hands were pushing me out of our room.
"Oli I love you so much that it physically hurts me, how could you say that?" As hard as I tried to keep him still he kept pushing me away, physically this time.
"Just go Joshua, leave me alone" his hands fell to his side along with the volume of his voice.
The door slammed shut and he began to start hyperventilating again. Good job Josh. Hanna heard and came to see what happened. She tried to open the door but it was locked, she knocked but got no response. Everything was to much. I needed to get out of here, I needed some air. I ran out the flat, down the stairs and to the busy streets. Hanna was calling for me while running down but I couldn't deal with anything right now. It's not that i for want to it's just I don't know how to.
I signalled for a cab and one came to me, opening the door I told him where I was headed to. The car was silent. My mind was silent. I don't know what's worse, not having any thoughts or having to many at one time. Regardless I just wanted to get to work and get the shift over with.
The hours dragged on and it seemed there would be no end to the worst shift possible. All my customers were bad tippers or extremely rude. The cherry on top of my sundae I guess.
I was waiting out side for Dan to come get me so we can practice. It wasn't to cold tonight. The streets were bustling with people going into shops and spending all their money. Just looking at all these smiling faces got me thinking, these people could be complete wrecks and you wouldn't know it. Someone you see for one split second could be jumping off a bridge the next. You wouldn't know it until you got to know them. You're just someone to the world but you mean the world to someone. I should pit that in a song, I like the ring of it.
Dans small car pulled up and he motioned for me to get in.
"Get in loser, we're going to band practice"
Laughing as I got into the car Dan sat there looking at me. Just looking.
"What?"
"You look down"
"Down but definitely not out" that has a good ring to, I guess it's not so bad being down right now if these verses are coming to me.
"Do you want me to take you home? We don't have to practice"
"I really don't wanna be at home"
"Alright let's find somewhere where we can just talk, you're mood is bringing me down"
We drove to around and settled on staying in the parking lot of the near by park. It would've made sense to stay in the parking lot of the restaurant but I wouldn't want anyone I work with to come out and see me spilling my guts.
"Well what's wrong joshypoo?"
"That name is what's wrong" I said crossing my arms, trying not to smile at the stupid nickname Matt gave me.
"Really Josh what's wrong?"
"Well I had some really rude customers and some lousy tippers"
He looked at me, a skeptical look on his face.
"Really?"
"Yes so let's go practice"
"Joshua James Alphonse Franceschi, tell me the truth because I know you enough to see you're lying to me"
"I don't wanna talk about it"
"Not talking about it will only make matters worse, come on I'll buy you a juice box if you tell me"
Dan wasn't going to let me off easily but I guess if he was offering to listen I might as well spill my guts.
"For starters I haven't been going to the one class I'm supposed to be taking, so when my parents find out I'm dead. I still haven't talked to Max about what happened, oh and I completely fucked things up with Oli today, is that good enough or do you wanna hear in detail about how I had to touch some kids snot filled plate today?"
"Uh, I'd rather hear about how you fucked up with Oli. Last I saw you guys were inseparable"
I began to explain to him what happened in detail. Dan's hand made it's way to my shoulder, giving me a light squeeze to comfort me. Since I was the youngest of the band I was the one they always made sure was okay. Especially Dan, he went out of his way to comfort me when I was at my worst. I realized I'd been talking for way to long and decided to shut up and let Dan say something.
"You really needed to vent"
"Yea I guess I did"
"Well it's hard to tell you what to do with Oli, Josh you guys have something good going and I'd hate to see you ruin it. Just wait for him to open up to you, give him time to heal but make sure he knows you're there for him and that you love him, no matter what. As for the cutting, I can't say because you have to have a good knowledge of it, so look up some things about it and some alternative for it and how to help him. About Max, I'll talk to him if you want, as for your classes, it's better you tell your parents sooner because it'll save you the stress of doing it later"
I sat there twirling my thumbs, just thinking about Dans words.
"So can I get my juice now?"
"Depends"
"On what?"
"Did you wash your hands after touching the booger plate because if you didn't then no"
"Yes Dan I did, now take me to get my juice"
"You're so pushy"
He turned the car on pulled out of the parking lot. I turned the radio on and flipped through the stations until I decided that none of them were playing anything tolerable. I guess venting and getting some advice wasn't so bad after all. I just had to get it pushed out of me.
Dan got me some juice and took me back to the flat I was dreading going back inside.
"Talk to Oli, I'll go in and be there if things go bad, meanwhile I'll just hang with Hanna and eat al your food"
"Thanks Dan, especially for the juice"
"Ah don't mention it mate" He said putting his arm around me in a brotherly manner. We walked into the building and up the stairs to the flat. I opened the door to find Oli and Han eating dinner.
"Josh you're home, Hi Dan want a bite to eat?" Hanna seemed to be in a really good mood, I guess she was either hiding her feelings or her and Oli got things fixed.
"Sure, thanks" Dan never passed on an opportunity for free food. Oli wasn't looking up from his plate. He just sat there, not acknowledging the fact that I was right in front of him. Dan nudged my arm and motioned towards Oli, giving me the "go talk to him right now" look.
"Uh, Oli? Can we talk?"
"Sure, let me put this away and I'll be in the bedroom in a sec"
I don't know how this conversation would go but god did I hope it would go better then the last one.