Eye's Like a Car Crash

Josh was standing across from me but I couldn't bring my self to look at him. I felt so stupid, I'd pushed him away and he still came back. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't come back. I'm a wreck and to much to handle.
His voice was in my head. That same voice that gripped my every movement rang in my mind. Austin was always there and I had no way to get rid of him. He was ruining everything, I couldn't get close to anyone, I couldn't be happy without having a reason to feel like I shouldn't be. I was just bringing Josh down. I know he loves me but I can't help but feel like he'll pick up and leave me when things get tough.
"Oli? Can we talk?"
"Sure, just let me put away my plate and I'll meet you in the bedroom"
We needed to fix things. I need to fix things, I'm so fucking tired of everything that's wrong with me. I'm done with wishing and hoping for things to get better, things will only get better if I change things.
Josh was laying down on the bed, eyes closed and his arms at his side. He looked really cute when he was peaceful. I plopped onto the bed next to him and sighed. I really just wanted to sleep in Josh's arms right now.
"So, what'd you want to talk about?"
He opened his eyes and sat up to face me.
"I'm sorry Oli, I got really worried and made things worse by storming out. I should have stayed to make sure you were alright, I'm not sure how to deal with this because I don't know exactly what goes through your adorable little head, but I know this, I love you enough to stay and help you in any way possible"
"You're so good to me Josh, I love you so much and I'm sorry I have these issues but I promise you that I'm going to get better. Hanna and I talked about it and we decided that we'll try to get through this together, but if I get bad again then I have to get help"
"You will get better love, I know it"
Josh's lips made contact with mine. The satin feel of his lips on mine sent chills down my spine. It was a soft, tender kiss, one that I could feel in every bone, nerve and muscle in my body. One that let me feel Josh's love. Josh's body melted into mine as I laid down. His hands rubbed up and down on my body as he got on top of me. His hips grinded into mine, releasing a small moan from my mouth. His leg hit my thigh and the fresh cuts stung under the fabric of my pants. I winced in pain and Josh stopped kissing my neck.
"Everything alright love?"
"It's the cuts on my thigh, maybe we should wait till they heal"
"That's fine, plus Dan and Hanna are in the kitchen and it'll be weird for them if we get loud"
His lips connected to mine once again, he smiled into the kiss and cradled my face.
"Oli, I love you so fucking much"
His voice was sincere, his eyes spoke the truth. I pecked his lips one more time.
"I love you too"
We walked to the kitchen to find Dan and Hanna laughing at a video of a drunken Josh.
"I thought I told you to delete that" Josh said trying to yank Dan's phone away.
"How can I delete this? It's the funniest thing ever"
"I really cant stand you sometimes"
"Oh don't be such a baby, you wanna see it Oli?"
I looked over at Josh who was just rolling his eyes in disapproval.
"Why not"
The entire video was of Josh falling over himself and ranting on about the smallest things. Not even big things that annoy everyone on a daily basis, but small things like the way taffy gets stuck in your teeth. But none the less it was pretty cute to see his serious pout from the corner of my eye while I laughed.
The evening went by pretty quick. It was filled with laughs, good company and some tea. Dan was actually a really cool guy. We talked about everything, our music, plans for the future, our dreams. It's now where I'm feeling happiness creep up onto me. The simple things in life are truly the best things you can stick around to experience. And I know that some time I'll have an episode and I'll break down, but right now the happiness that fills my veins is my reason to stay here. Live for the days that you can effortlessly smile and fight on the days that list the reasons why you should give up.
It was late when Dan left, Han was yawning and stretching her arms like a tuckered out little kid. It was kinda cute. Josh and I got started cleaning up the mess of popcorn and cups that was around the living room. A comfortable silence filled the flat. A comfortable silence filled my head, for once Austin wasn't there at the back of my head telling me how worthless I was or how no one really loved me, I had a peaceful mind at the moment.
"Oli? You alright?" Josh asked. I realized I was just awkwardly standing there lost in thought, kinda blankly staring at the wall.
"Actually I am, I really am" A smile molded my lips when I noticed that I really was alright, and for once I wasn't lying. I guess I was at that point in time where I came to the realization that I had to change and meanwhile thinking about it brought peace to me. Regardless of what it was I was grateful for it. He just smiled and nodded, he was tired and a tired Josh is an adorable Josh.
"I'm gonna go to bed, coming?"
"Yes"
He stretched his arms out and motioned for me to go to him. He laid his arms on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. Those eyes. Those two beautiful crystal clear blue orbs that made me so happy. Even without words he was letting me know how much he loved me by holding me close to him. He didn't walk away from me and I know he's not going to. I had to go through hell to find him but I went in and came out with him at my side.
"Go to sleep already you two" Hanna said from her room. We hadn't noticed we standing right outside of her room, even with the door closed I guess she could here out faint voices.
And that's just what we did. We went to bed. All curled up onto Josh I was able to finally catch some much needed sleep. My head was rising along with Josh's chest as he breathed. His arms were held onto me tightly despite the fact that he was fast asleep. My eyes closed and I let the tiredness consume my body, before finally sleeping I just had to remind him.
"I love you Josh"
It took him a little bit to be able to respond but he did, and I even got a kiss on my head.
"I love you too Olipop"
The name coming from his slurred words made chuckle. Oh how I loved this boy. And then I was fast asleep with a cheesy smile from ear to ear.