Parenthood

Billie was gone by the time I woke up this morning. Not that I was expecting much considering we hadn’t really ‘made up’ yet. I sat up slowly with the comforter still over me and realized it close to 9:30 am. My heart began to race. Emma. School. Shit. I scrambled off the couch to find a note sticking to the edge of the coffee table.

Jules,
Stop what you’re doing! I took Emma to school.
Be home later.
-BJ

My heart rate slowly became normal again and I breathed a sigh of relief. He may be an asshole sometimes but I can honestly say he makes it hard to stay mad when he does something like this. A lot of the anger I had been feeling towards him was slowly working its way out after last night. No, we weren’t completely ‘okay’ yet but we were heading in the right direction. I could see that he was trying to be civil with me, which up until this point had been a challenge. I looked down at my left hand and gazed at the gold band that just a short five years ago had been brand new to me. I didn’t really need to see our wedding tape to know how much we loved each other, I knew it deep down. Something I thought about often was our first wedding anniversary. Billie had been away on Green Day’s first major tour promoting Dookie for months and had lead me to believe he wouldn’t be able to come home for it. I was disappointed, but reassured him that it was okay and that we would celebrate when he got back. That morning, my mom ‘surprised’ me by saying she thought I needed a break and would be taking Emma for the night. Little did I know she was all part of the plan that Billie had set up. That night, I had already talked to Billie on the phone, thinking that he was in some city far away from Oakland when really, he was just using the pay phone down the road at the 7 Eleven. When he pulled in the driveway and walked through the front door, I burst into tears. Happy tears. I clung to him for what felt like hours and repeatedly wiped tears away before I finally kissed him after going an entire month without seeing him. He had me a present but I didn’t even want it. He was gift enough and I had never forgotten how much it meant to me that he came home that day. I knew he had probably pissed a lot of people off by making the trip home but I didn’t care. He was my Billie Joe and only mine. I smiled as I looked over at the picture of us that hung on the wall to the left of me. It was taken just a little over 5 months after Emma had been born. I was sitting in the floor with her on my lap and Billie appeared to be playing her a song. This was one of my favorite pictures of us because we looked so happy. I missed that about us. We didn’t look happy anymore, hell we didn’t even act like we were happy. We were very strained and I desperately wanted us to be back to the way we use to be. It’s hard to believe all of this was because we were frustrated over not being pregnant yet. The whole point of having a baby is because of love, right? If we were going to have a baby, we definitely were going to have to be able to sleep in the same room without killing each other. I just hoped that it would sooner rather than later.

~***~
A couple of hours after Emma came home from school, so did Billie. I didn’t know for certain that he had been at the studio all day, but I didn’t even want to consider any other possibilities. I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner when Emma came up behind me and hugged my hips.

“Mommy, I love you.” She beamed.

I smiled and patted her head. “I love you, too, Emma.” I said while continuing to put the dishes away. She had been pretty pleasant the past few days and I was relieved to see her acting her normal self around Billie. I flicked my gaze up briefly to see her hugging Billie’s leg as he put away some records he had brought home. As much as Emma liked to lead us to believe that she wanted to be treated like the almost six year old she was, I watched as she willingly let Billie pick her up and hold her close. Emma still liked it when her Daddy carried her around, she was more inclined to ‘act’ like a big girl when she was with me, but with Billie she let it slip. It was hard to believe she was going to be six in just a few short months. It felt like just yesterday I was having to rock her to sleep. The fact that she was growing up made me want a baby even more, and made me long for the Billie that I had fell in love with.

Not long after that I put her to bed, I went to start cleaning up the tornado of toys that had hit our living room. Billie was fiddling with the record player and I had hardly noticed that he had called my name. We had been quiet around each other, not fussing or fighting, just quiet throughout the day. I looked up from the toy box and raised my eyebrows. “Yeah?” I saw that his back was to me, facing the record player that we kept in the living room. He half smiled at me as he turned around.

“I got something today I want you to hear.” He said while placing the needle on the record and letting the song begin to play. I recognized it instantly and wanted to cry when I heard it.

You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips
You're trying hard not to show it but baby, baby I know it

The Righteous Brothers, they were who we first danced to in the middle of my bedroom back in Rodeo. Whenever I missed Billie when he was on the road or the time when we had broken up, they were who I listened to. Billie knew how much they meant to me and the lyrics broke my heart into pieces. Billie took the doll I had in my hand and threw it down on the couch.

“Come dance with me, Jules.” He whispered while taking my hand and leading me to the middle of the room. I smiled gently as he put his hand in mine and the other on the small of my back. I placed my hand on his shoulder and bit my lip to hold the tears back that so desperately wanted to fall. This was the Billie Joe I had been missing.

You've lost that loving feeling, oh that loving feeling
You've lost that loving feeling, now it's gone… gone… gone… woah

“Don’t cry on me, Jules.” Billie chuckled in my ear as we swayed together. I smiled and laid my head on his shoulder, that being the only solution. The next verse was coming and I knew I’d be in tears by the end of it.

Now there's no welcome look in your eyes when I reach for you
And now you're starting to criticize little things I do
It makes me just feel like crying
'Cause baby, something beautiful is dying

That was it. I was in full blown tears now and nothing could stop it. Billie held me tighter and continued to sway. I let the tears fall silently down my cheeks as we danced and let go of his hand to wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face into his shoulder.

You lost that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
You've lost that lovin' feelin'
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woah

Baby baby, I get down on my knees for you
If you would only love me like you used to do, yeah
We had a love, a love, a love you don't find everyday
So don't, don't, don't, don't let it slip away

Baby (baby), baby (baby)
I beg of you please...please,
I need your love (I need your love),
I need your love (I need your love),
Well, bring it on back (So bring it on back),
Bring it on back (so bring it on back).

Bring back that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
Bring back that lovin' feelin'
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone
And I can't go on, woah

Bring back that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
Bring back that lovin' feelin'
'Cause it's gone...gone...

The song was over and I was still bawling my eyes out. Billie just held me close and continued swaying gently until I finally calmed down. I pulled away and allowed him to brush the tears from my face with his thumb. He smiled and leaned in to press his lips to mine for the first time in weeks. It made my knees weak and it felt so right to finally be close to him again. He pressed his forehead to mine and gave me a small smile.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry, babe.” He whispered. I smiled. “It’s okay.” I whispered as I kissed his lips again and hugged him tight. “I’ve missed you, baby.” I whispered in his ear. He placed soft kisses along my neck and sighed.

“I’m sorry, Julie. I really am. The things I’ve said to were completely out of line and I’ve been a real asshole.” He confessed.

I shook my head. “No, I’ve been awful too, with kicking you out of our room and baby, I didn’t mean it when I said you were last person that I’d want to have sex with it’s not true, you’re the only one.” I rambled, becoming almost hysterical. Billie laughed and kissed me again.

“I’m sorry for calling you a bitch. I know how much that bothers you.” He whispered.

I kissed him again and finally pulled away to look into the emerald eyes I had been mesmerized by for the past fifteen years. He smiled and kissed me softly once more. His arms were wrapped tightly around me and I never wanted him to let go. I felt safe and secure for the first time in what had felt like forever. I pulled out of his embrace and grabbed his hand. He looked at me surprised and raised his eyebrows.

“What are you doing?” He questioned.

I grinned and opened our bedroom door, quietly so not to wake up Emma. “You my love, will not be sleeping on the couch tonight.” I purred while shutting the door closed. He smirked.

“You mean it?” He asked.

I nodded and pushed him back on the bed while kissing him softly. “With any luck you won’t be sleeping at all.” I said with a wink. He raised his eyebrows.

“Oh, so you think you can handle me now?” He added playfully. I giggled and nodded quickly. “The real question is can you handle me?” I asked. He grinned and rolled over to where he was now on top.

“Why, Mrs. Armstrong, you know what happens when you challenge me.” He teased. I smirked and started unbuttoning his shirt. “Yes, I do. Which is why I’m doing it.” I purred. He chuckled against me and kissed my jaw line. I giggled as he started kissing his way down my neck. “Did you have this planned?” I questioned. Billie shook his head.

“I had planned to make up with you, this was just a plus.” He said while going to unbutton my jeans. I giggled and pulled his head up to my face once more. “I love you.” I whispered. Billie smiled.

“How much?” He questioned. I kissed his lips. “More than the stars in the sky.” I whispered back. He ran his free hand through my hair and gazed down at me. "How much do you love me?" I asked him. He leaned down to place yet another kiss on my head.

“I love you just as much as I did the day I married you, maybe more. You’re part of me Julie and I’m sorry I haven’t been acting like it.” He said.

I smiled and traced his bottom lip with my thumb. “Then show me.” I whispered. My heart was beating faster and faster with every second that passed. It felt like the first time all over again, minus the fear. He smiled and kissed me again before reaching over and turning out the lamp on my side of the bed. I knew we’d have to really pay attention to our volume tonight, because make up sex was our loudest sex. His lips locked with mine for a long kiss before making his way back down to finish removing my clothes.

~***~

It didn’t surprise me to wake in the morning on the cold hardwood of our bedroom floor. Not at all. When Billie does something, he does it right. We were both tangled together in the sheet from our bed and could feel his arm wrapped tightly around my waist. I knew there was a small chance that Emma would come barreling in here, but this morning I was willing to take that chance. I blushed at the thought of what had lead us here and couldn’t help but smile. I was the happiest I had been in some time and nothing could change that. I had my Billie Joe back.