Parenthood

As summer was slowly coming to a close a big first for Emma was coming up. I had been dreading this since she turned five. Kindergarten. Emma on the other hand was beyond excited and for the past week it's all she could talk about. Billie was spending more and more time away at the studio so, it had been me and Emma getting her school supplies. I tried, I really tried to not let it piss me off that Billie wasn't around for something this important but, things between us had gotten rocky. I know that he loves me, and I know that I love him, but we haven't really been showing it lately. We started fighting over little things like what to have for dinner and who had to read Emma a story. I was beginning to think he was staying late at the studio just so he wouldn't come home to fight with me. I tried to hide the fact that it tore me up inside to know that he'd rather avoid me than face me. He didn't act any different with Emma, just me. I had just put Emma down for a nap when he came through the door. “Hey, what are you doing home?” I asked. Billie glanced at me as he sat down on the couch.

“We finished early.” He answered, not saying another word. I raised my eyebrows.

“Oh hey Jules how was your day?” I said to myself. “Oh, it was just fine until your daughter decided to throw a fit in the middle of Walmart and I was asked to leave the premises.” I continued while wiping off the counter. “Not that you really care enough to ask.” I added. Billie stood up and walked towards me.

“What the fuck is your problem?” He spat. I glared at him.

“What's my problem? My problem is that I was happily married until my husband stopped coming home!” I seethed. Billie glared at me.

“It's not like I pick and choose when I see my wife!” He argued. I scoffed.

“Well, you're definitely not going out of your way to try and come home and see your wife and child!” I said while brushing past him to go into our bedroom. He followed close behind me.

“Hey, don't fucking bring her into this.” He whispered harshly. I cut my eyes at him.

“Well, that's kinda hard considering she starts school in a week and you probably won't be there for it.” I spat. Billie clenched his jaw.

“I'm still here, Julie. It's not like I'm off fucking some bitch.” He shouted.I sighed.

“Stop pretending everything is alright between us Billie because it's not. You might as well be cheating on me because It's like every time I say 'I love you' it's out of habit and not with affection. It's almost redundant and I've never wanted to say that about you.” I whispered. I had tears in my eyes and I could hardly stand to look at him. Billie swallowed.

“You know that I fucking love you.” He whispered. I bit my lip and shook my head.

“I use to know that now I'm not so sure.” I whispered as a tear finally escaped my eye.Billie was about to say something when Emma called for me. I turned away and wiped my cheek quickly with the back of my hand before I walked out of our room and into Emma's.

“Hey, lovebug what are you doing awake?” I choked out. Emma rubbed her eye.

“I heard you and Daddy yelling. Why are you crying Mommy?” She asked. I bit my lip, hard.

“Mommy's not crying.” I whispered. Emma moved over in her bed.

“Lay with me, Mommy, I make it better.” She said. I smiled and laid down beside her.

I knew that Billie had been standing in the doorway and I tried to pretend I didn't hear him walk out the front door.

~***~

“Mommy, why can't Daddy come with us?” Emma asked as we walked hand in hand to her kindergarten classroom. I sighed.

“Daddy's with Uncle Mike and Uncle Tré, they're making music for the new album, remember?” Emma nodded.

“Oh, yeah.” She answered. I had already told her in the car, but she obviously wanted Billie here. My heart started beating faster as we got closer to the classroom, and I couldn't help but wish Billie was here too. It was when I saw all the colorful decorations and tiny tables that I wanted to cry. My baby. I have to leave my baby here. Emma's eyes lit up when she saw all the other kids and toys around the room. I bent down next to her and held her hand.

“Mommy will stay a little while if you want me to.” I told her. Emma shook her head.

“That's okay Mommy, I don't need you anymore.” She answered. That's when my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

“O-okay Emma.” I stuttered. She kissed me goodbye and ran over to a small group of kids.

She started talking to a little girl with red hair and I knew the tears would be coming soon. I stood up and looked at her one last time before walking out into the hallway. Tears were streaming down my face as I exited the school and when I finally got in the car, I laid my head down on the steering wheel and cried.

~***~

I had stopped crying by the time I got home. When I pulled into the driveway, I realized that Billie was here. I found it odd for him to be home right now, considering he hadn't been gone more than an hour. I walked through the front door to find him sitting on the couch. He glanced my way and turned off the TV as I sat the keys down on the table and worked getting my jacket off. “What are you doing home?” I whispered.Billie motioned for me to come sit. I hesitated for a second. Billie looked at me softly.

“I'm not wanting to fight, Jules.” He said while motioning again. This time I did go sit next to him. He had Blue on the other side of him.

“How'd it go?” He asked. I sighed.

“She took it well, as for me not so much.” I whispered, trying not to cry again. I ran my hand through my hair.

“What are you doing home?” I repeated. Billie played with his wedding band.

“I was thinking about you and how hard today must be, so I came home.” He answered. I bit my lip. Things have been really awkward between us since that last fight and we hadn't really talked about it. Billie put his hand on my knee. “I'm sorry.” He whispered.

“For what?” I said softly. Billie sighed.

“I've been a real asshole lately and I want to make it up to you.” He said while picking up Blue.

"You don't have to." I whispered. Billie shook his head.

“You got me thinking when you said that saying 'I love you' feels redundant. I know things have been rough the past few days and I just wanted to say I'm sorry and that I love you. I really mean it when I say that, Julie.” He told me. I nodded.

“I know you do.” I whispered. He cleared his throat.

“It's not exactly finished but I wrote this the other day and I want you to hear it before I show it to Mike and Tré.” I said while strumming Blue. I nodded my head. Billie looked at me one last time and began singing.

We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going a over and a over and a over, roller coaster

Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice
Speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

Choreographed and lack of passion
Prototypes of what we were
Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous
Taken for granted now
I waste it, faked it, ate it, now I hate it.

Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice
Speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

He finished the song and I felt like crying again, only this time I felt happy. Billie half smiled and ran his thumb across my cheek.“I'm sorry I was such a jerk, baby.” He whispered. I smiled and wrapped my arms around him

“I forgive you.” I whispered in his ear. He ran his hands up and down my back and pushed be back to where he was now above me.

“What are you doing?” I questioned. Billie smiled and kissed me tenderly.

“Can't I make love to my wife without being questioned?” He asked. I grinned.

“What? Right here?” I asked. He nodded and kissed me again.

“Why not? We've got a couple of hours to kill.” He said while raising his eyebrows suggestively. I giggled.

“But Billie, today's been really hard on me.” I whined. He smirked.

“I've got something really hard for you, too.” He joked. I rolled my eyes as I sat up.

“I'm serious, Billie. Our baby is in kindergarten, I should be excited but all I wanna do is cry.” I confessed. Billie got off of me.

“I know, babe, I know. It seems like yesterday she was just learning how to walk.” He said softly. I smiled as I remembered how we crawled around on the floor with her, scared out of our minds that she'd fall and hit her head.

“I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she told me she didn't need me anymore.” I said softly. Billie put his arm around me.

“Babe, she's always going to need you.” He whispered. I nodded.

“I know, but it still hurt.” I mumbled. Billie chuckled.

“If it helps, I cried a little on the way to the studio today.” He confessed. My eyes widened.

“You? You cried?” I asked. He nodded.

“She left Leroy in my car and I just lost it.” He said. I leaned over and kissed him.

“Aww, and I thought I was the only emotional one.” I teased. Billie rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I can shed a few tears too, ya know.” He defended. I giggled.

“It's so quiet around here.” I whispered while looking around. Billie smirked.

“Wanna go make some noise?” He asked suggestively. I thought for a second and nodded my head. Billie leaped off the couch and picked me up.

“Oh, aren't we romantic.” I teased as he walked towards our room. Billie shut the door with his foot and threw me on the bed.

“Did you like the song, Jules?” He asked as he unbuttoned his jeans. I nodded.

“If I didn't, we wouldn't be fucking at ten o'clock in the morning.” I replied while removing my shirt. Billie smirked and walked towards the bed. I reached out and grabbed his belt loops to pull him down. “When's the last time we fucked?” I questioned while unbuttoning his shirt.

“When Emma caught us.” He mumbled against my neck. My eyes widened.

“We haven't gone that long since after she was born.” Billie nodded.

“That's why I'd like it very much if you would get naked already.” He mumbled while unbuttoning my jeans and pulling them down. I smirked.

“Ya know, you were a pretty big jerk....” I taunted.Billie's eyes widened.

“Julie, please. It's starting to hurt.” He whined while pressing himself against me. My eyes widened.

“God, it has been a while.” I exclaimed. Billie nodded.

“Jules, I love you, but please shut up.” He said while kissing me roughly. This time I did shut up, and Billie didn't waste any time getting out if his pants and into mine.

~***~

We walked quickly down the kindergarten hallway, more than ready to see Emma. “I can't believe you almost made us late.” I scolded while continuing to walk. Billie sighed.

“I told you it had been a while.” He mumbled. When we finally got to her room we noticed more parents waiting outside the door.

“I feel so young compared to them.” Billie whispered to me. I nodded. We were the youngest couple here, the rest couldn't be more than thirty-two or three. There stares were a little uncomfortable, but all was forgotten when I saw my lovebug come through the door in a swarm of kids.

“Mommy!” She stopped and gasped.

“Daddy!” She ran straight to Billie.

“My munchkin!” He exclaimed while picking her up.“Did you have fun?” He asked. Emma nodded and looked over at me.

“Mommy, I made you a picture!” She exclaimed while holding out a white piece of paper. I smiled and took it from her.It was a red heart painted on the front and in the middle, someone had written 'I love my Mommy' in white letters. I grinned and kissed her head.

“I love it, Emma. Did you do this by yourself?” I questioned. Emma nodded.

“Mrs. Amy helped with the words.” She said while looking back at Billie. “Daddy, I have a new friend!” She exclaimed. Billie raised his eyebrows.

“You do? What's her name?” He asked.Emma smiled.

“Her name is Macy and she really likes horses.” She told him as we walked down the hallway.

“That's good, baby.” He said while kissing her cheek. All the way home, Emma talked non stop about her new teacher and classmates.

“I love school, Mommy!” She told me while we walked through the door. I smiled at her.

“That's great, Emma.” I said while pulling off her jacket and sitting her backpack on the table. Emma followed Billie to the couch.

“Daddy, do you still love Mommy?” She said while crawling into his lap. Billie looked down at her and smiled.

“I never stopped loving Mommy. ” He said sweetly.Emma frowned.

“But, you made Mommy cry.” She whispered. Billie looked over at me and back at Emma.

“Daddy loves Mommy and is sorry for making her cry.” He whispered.Emma smiled.

“Did you and Mommy do that special thing?” She giggled. My eyes widened. I couldn’t believe she had asked that. Billie looked at Emma and shook his head.

“Emma that's between Mommy and me, you're not suppose to ask that. It's private. Understand?” Emma nodded.

“Sorry, Daddy.” She mumbled, looking a little bit embarrassed. Billie patted her back.

“It's okay, munchkin you didn't know.” He whispered. I sighed. Just when you think her questions start to get easier, BAM! She throws a big curve ball. I smiled and sat down on the coffee table. Emma laid her head down on Billie's shoulder and sighed.

“Emma, are you sleepy?” I whispered. Emma nodded.

“Wanna go lay down for a little while?” Emma shook her head.

“I want Daddy.” She said sleepily.I looked at Billie who was already laying down with her still on his chest.

“Let her stay.” He whispered.I smiled and stood up to pull the blanket I had laying over the back of the couch over them.

“It's been a while since I've seen this.” I stated. Billie use to take naps with Emma all the time, but since he's been so busy with Green Day they really haven't had the chance. Emma raised up a little and looked around.

“Where's Leroy?” She whispered. I looked around and found him beside the coffee maker in the kitchen. I gently picked him up and walked back over to the couch.

“Here, baby.” I whispered. Emma smiled as she tucked him under her arm and drifted to sleep. I kissed her head and leaned forward to kiss Billie. He winked at me, smiling down at our sleeping child.

“She's out.” He whispered. I grinned and kissed his lips.

“Go to sleep. You need it.” I whispered. I didn't have to tell him twice, in no time he and Emma were sleeping peacefully on the couch and I finally had the chance to go look at the lyrics to the song Billie had written for me. The song itself was a little bitter sweet, the words hurt, but at the same time let me know that he still cared. I noticed that he didn't have a title written at the top so I leaned over and grabbed a pen. I looked over the lyrics once more and wrote in black ink, “Redundant” at the top of the page. I hoped to never be in the position for him to write a song like this ever again.