Just for a Moment

I had spent the past month and a half avoiding Kellin. I knew that he needed time to heal and I just needed time. I had no idea that not being by his side would be the most painful decision I could make. I sat across from my therapist, school recommended after all the happened, and spoke about the same thing I always do. The word, the word that I now felt defined me, whore. Vic was nearly always with me, because Ally demanded someone watch me. With Kellin on the mend, and her busy with Jack, that left Vic. He was constantly watching me, it made me squirm, it made me miss us, and it made me wish there wasn't an us to miss. I sank deeper into self-loathing everyday. Every time Vic smiled at me, every time I missed Kellin, which was always - I hated me.

The only thing that gave me peace was that Max and his crew were all rotting in jail. Of course that brought so much publicity to MJA and me. I mean they had seven spots open, that was the most they had available since they opened the school. They were re-auditioning wait listed dance majors. They also added family background checks to the requirements of the school. Max just made it a lot harder for a lot of people to get into this school. That added to my guilt, I felt like this was all my fault. The therapist once again asked me if I would reconsider medication. Even in my lowest, during this hellish depressive episode, my answer was no. I had only taken the pills for two weeks after the incident because it was court ordered, the judge didn’t want to see me back in the asylum. Quite frankly, neither did I, so I agreed and numbed myself with my drugs. The therapist gave me a sad nod and said that I may go.

I walked slowly back to my room from the recreation center where my sessions were handled. I felt like these days, if it wasn’t school related, I couldn’t move faster than a sloth. I watched the other students laugh and smile, a pang of envy filled my chest. I looked down whenever anyone made eye contact with me; I knew what they were thinking. There goes the good for nothing, best friend hopping, whore. I speed up, eager to be back in the safety of my room. Away from all the eyes, and the whispers that I was sure were about me. I wished that Kellin was walking with me; he always makes me feel better. Then a wave of hatred hits me, I had once felt the same way about Vic. I bit my lip to keep from crying as I walked, it didn't work. So I walked through my blur of tears back to my room. I opened my room door and threw myself on my bed. Vic walked in behind me, since I had forgotten to close my door.

“Lizzy,” he sat on the edge of my bed, “please, I hate seeing you like this. What can I do to make it better?”

I looked at him and wished I could say turn back time. Say that you love me and don’t leave me, stay with me. Withstand time with me Vic, but when I imaged Kellin with someone else I couldn’t breathe. So instead of answering I throw myself face first into my pillow. I just shake my head no and hope that somehow he would just know, like he used to, what I meant. I can’t say what I want to because I don’t want it as much as I used too. He sighed and laid himself down next to me. I felt his eyes on me as he started to sing to me.

“If you come over tonight we can travel through time, we can sleep on the ceiling and creep under black lights.”

In that moment I knew he understood, so I crawled into his arms and wept into his chest. I heard someone else come into my room and I knew it was Kellin. Every part of my body started to hum just with his mere presence. I knew he felt how much I needed him. I sat up and he smiled at me. Just like that all my sadness melted away. Suddenly I could remember why I had even been crying in the first place. Vic gave me a sad smile before he left me and Kellin alone. I got up, my legs shaking; I knew the next move I made would decide whether or not we would be a couple. I took slow steps towards him, he didn't move, just stood by my door waiting to see what I would do. His eyes never left mine as I drew closer to him. I stopped a few feet in front of him and I knew Kellin could all but hear my thoughts. I knew he could feel all my fears, I knew that he just knew me that well. He took a step closer and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

His smile widened, “I missed you my fragile flower.”

He pushed my hair behind my ear.

“I miss you too baby.” Then I kissed him, a deep passionate kiss that I had never truly shared with anyone before him.

He laughed when we broke apart, resting his forehead against mine. “I was afraid that you changed your mind. I didn't know how I would make it through losing you.”

“How could you lose me?” I ran my hand across his cheek, “you can’t lose something that’s a part of you.”

He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. We kissed until our lungs screamed for oxygen. Even then I didn't want to break the moment; I didn't want to separate myself from him. I wanted to stay like this forever. When we broke the kiss apart, he just held me up, close to his body. I felt happiness bubble up in chest and escape my lips as a laugh. I leaned my head on top of his and started singing The Way by Ariana Grande to him. It was one of Ally’s favorite songs and she played it so much that it constantly made me think of Kellin. It also meant I knew the whole thing by heart. He placed me down slowly and I wrapped my arms around his neck as I sang. He kissed my neck, distracting me, my heart started to race. Then Ally walked in followed by Jack. I saw her blush, as if she caught me naked.

“I was just checking on you to see if you are okay. I see that you are.” She nodded her head at Kellin as he spared her a glance. “Should we leave?”

“Yes,” Kellin said turning his attention back to me.

I hit him, “No! Come in guys.”

Kellin groaned and bit my neck which sent a jolt through my body. Then he threw himself on my bed while Jack and Ally came in. Jack told him that he was sorry and they both shrugged about something unsaid. Afterward, the four of us spent the afternoon watching movies on mute while creating our own dialogue. It was so funny and it was the perfect afternoon.