Just for a Moment

I stumble out of the classroom after the test, my head spinning from the serious headache I have from stressing over Ally and everything else. I bite down on my lip and rest my body against the wall outside of the classroom waiting for Roxy. I hate tests, even my history of drama exam, which is my favorite subject. I mean who doesn’t love Shakespeare? I fiddle with the ends of my skirt and go over every question I can remember in my head. I think I got number three wrong, I mumble to myself. I look up from my skirt and tell myself to stop worrying then I spot Ally walking down the corridor. So on impulse I decide to follow her and see if I can sort all of this stuff out. I send a text to Roxy to meet me at the lunch table under the tree telling her that I have to talk to Ally. I follow behind her, she is with her chef friend Naomi. They are talking in loud voices. I roll my eyes, typical Ally, no volume control.

“I can’t believe my sister! Or Vic either, for that matter!” Ally is practically screeching at the top of her lungs. “How could she invite Roxy to the wedding and not me? I am her sister by blood; we are supposed to be like built in best friends. Sometimes I feel we are more like frenemies.” She stops abruptly, “I can’t believe Vic took her side. Ugh so typical of him, because she is the one who got away, so of course he would side with her. Then telling me that he met some hussy, and thinks he might really move on this time. The nerve of that guy! He is a jerk, him and his dumb girlfriend. Wait, why do I care that Vic met someone?” My heart starts to pound; does my sister have feelings for Vic? “I mean I am sure Katherine is a nice girl but I think I am kind of feeling jealous.”

Ally’s eyes widen and she pouts to herself. Naomi steps closer to her and hugs her quickly, as if she was trying to hold Ally together but afraid to get too close. She takes a step back and smiles at Ally.

Naomi then nods understandingly, “You are just in a weird place and Vic is always there for you. Maybe you are just scared of losing that attention. That’s all, no big deal.”

Ally turns towards her and smiles, “yeah, you are probably right. I mean I love Jack, so,” she shakes her heads and laughs instead of finishing the sentence. “Anyway, back to my sister...”

They start walking again but I don’t follow this time. I have to talk to Vic. I need to know what’s going on and right now he is the only one who will tell me. I speed walk towards the music classroom and crash into Vic as he is exiting from the test. Perfect timing, I smile to myself. I place my finger over my mouth for him to be quiet before he can say anything. I peek into the window and Kellin’s face cringes up as he bites the tip of his pen. His eyes are glued to the test but I know that he feels me watching him. I ask him for permission in my head to talk to Vic and I watch as he nods. I have no idea how he does that but I love him so much for it. He looks up at me quickly and mouths, ‘I love you too’, before going back to his test.

With Kellin’s permission to be alone with my ex, I grab Vic’s hand and started pulling him rapidly through the halls searching for an empty classroom. A part of me hyper aware that our skin is touching, that part of me relishing the feel of his hand in mine. I mentally kick myself and try to focus on the task at hand, find a place to talk and then get answers. We search for five minutes before I find a classroom on the opposite side of campus. I open the door of the empty photography classroom and push Vic into it. I take note that no one is around to have seen us either which is good. I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about this. I close the door behind us and give Vic a tight smile, finally releasing his hand. I get a bad feeling about this as I look into his warm brown eyes. I should go but I need answers so I can move on with this already.

“What’s wrong monkey? We usually don’t do secret rendezvous, is there trouble in paradise?” He took a step closer to me lifting his hand as if he was going to run his fingers down my cheek.

I fought the urge to lean into his hand and say yes. I fought and won because I love Kellin, and no small part of me is going to ruin everything for a boy who isn't my husband is.

I wipe my sweaty palms on my skirt and speak past my dry mouth, “uh . . . it’s just about Ally.”

A look of disappointment crosses his face briefly; he gives me a half smile before he backs away and finds himself a desk to sit at.

“So, what’s up? What did Ally do? Is she in trouble? Did she say something to you? What do you need?” He keeps his eyes on the desk, watching himself as he tap his fingers on the top of it creating a nervous beat that my heart starts to keep tune too.

I clear my throat and back up to lean against the wall. “I hear that she hates my husband.” I feel the words constrict at my chest. “I was just wondering if it is true.”

He shrugs, “she doesn’t hate him per se. I just think she is jealous of the attention you give to him. From what you said last year, Ally is used to being the center of attention. So that must mean she just hates when she isn’t at the center of things. Nothing to worry about, is that all?”

A part of me wants me to sit with him, laugh with him, and be his again. I chew the inside of my cheek hoping the pain would remind me of how Vic made me feel at one time. I run my thumb on the back of my ring finger that holds the symbol of my promise to Kellin. I am reminding myself of the happiness Kellin has never failed to give to me, the love that he has never been afraid to show me. I need closure, to stop the dreams, to give my husband all of me. Today this ends. I take a deep breath and walk to the desk next to Vic. I sit on the actual table top instead of the seat so I can feel a bit separate from him.

“Vic, I loved you, I mean a lot. I thought that I could spend forever with you, that you were the answer to all my problems. Which I know is dumb and not fair to you because only I can be the answer to my problems. I am the only one with the power to truly make myself happy. But,” I clear my throat and dive right into it, “if I am really honest a part of me still feels very strongly about you. I have been dreaming about you, a lot, lately. I know that it’s because I feel like it my fault Ally that tried to kill herself. Which led me to believe that if we could go back in time and be together we could change Ally’s decision. As if simply being with you had the power to make it all go away.” I look at him briefly, his forehead is creased, his eyes are downcast. My heart aches for him, I want to take his hand in mine again but I know better. I take a deep breath and continue. “Anyway, I don’t know, I guess I just, I want you to know why I choose to move on instead of waiting for you, and trust me in a lot of ways I still waited. Besides the whole obvious reason of me saying I love you and you leaving me thing.” I shift myself so that he can only see my back; I feel my tears coming down. “I never felt good enough for you Vic. Remember the performance last year?" I don't wait for him to answer, "you were that star. You were that star I wished on, the one I held but I felt that you hated me for it. I,” I shift myself even further wiping the tears from my face, “I thought, I felt, like I was worthless during those last months we had together.” I hear him take a sharp intake of air. “You were always mad at me. That’s why I started avoiding you in the end; I was tired of having my motives questioned and wondering if one day you would trust me.”

I feel the words dry up after that, like there is nothing more I could say. I just and wait for him to respond, partly hoping that he would just get up and leave. All I needed was to say this, I don’t really need much else do I? Then the words bubble out.

“Why?” I choke out, “why did you act that way towards me?”

I hear the chair scrape the floor, the sound of Vic getting up. That’s it then, he is leaving.

Suddenly he is standing directly in my line of vision, “I am so sorry monkey. I never meant to make you feel that way, it’s just, I saw what you didn’t.” He kicks his foot against the floor like he did the day he picked me up to play DDR all those months ago. “I saw how well you and Kellin seem to mesh. I was so jealous. It was like watching soul mates dance around each other unknowingly. The way his eyes lit up when he saw you, or how you had no problem at all opening up to him. You never screamed when he held you for too long. You always ran to him with everything. I was just so angry because I wanted to be that for you. I wanted to be the one who made you feel safe.” He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “I knew you know? I knew that he would be better for you. I hated him for it but I ended up taking it out on you. Like you somehow led me on, making me believe I could be him, the one.” He bit his lip and laughs to himself. “That’s why I told him to run after you at winter’s fest. I knew he wanted too but he wouldn’t since he said I needed to fix things. That I was the one, who should go after you, but I knew Lizzy, I knew it should be him.” He locks his eyes onto mines and I see a soft sadness in them. “I regret it sometimes; I regret it not being me who made you better.” He laughs lightly again, “and yeah, I love you Lizzy, probably always will but all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Don’t you remember the text I sent you before I went away for the summer? It said, be happy Lizzy, let him love you.”

It was like with those words Vic just uttered healed me. As if he took away the left over pain our break up caused. I get up and hug him, tears falling freely down my face now. I am so happy, he wasn’t angry with me. He didn’t hate me. He was still the same wonderful guy he has always been. He was still the Vic I once loved. I never wanted to lose him in my life because his sacrifice, it gave me my husband.

“Promise me we can stay friends Vic. Promise me.” I squeeze him tighter.

“Of course I promise my monkey.” He pulls away, kisses my cheek and starts to leave the room but then pauses before exiting. “Ally has feelings for me. I know it sounds silly but the day before and the day of winter’s fest, she came over to my room and well... I mean at least the day of winter fest, we were drunk, so that's a solid excuse. The day before she cut herself, she told me she needed me before kissing me on my neck and laughing.Is that normal?”

He gives me a weird look like I should know what goes on in my sister’s head.

“I don’t know Vic, I honestly don’t.” I shrug and give him a small smile. “But I will text you if I find out anything.”

"I look forward to that monkey."

He smiles and leaves the room, taking all the weight of our past with him. I sink back onto the desk and smile. I got the closure that I needed and Ally doesn’t really hate Kellin. Today isn’t shaping up to be that bad after all. My cell vibrates in my pocket and I know that it’s Roxy looking for me. I text her give me a few more minutes before telling Kellin to come meet me here. Two minutes passed before he walks into the room, a cute look of worry on his face. I wonder if he thinks Vic won me over and I asked him here to tell him to happily step to the side. I laugh while shake my head at him and he smiles, his entire body relaxing. I spring up and run into his arms, kissing him with more love then I ever had before.

“He told me you know? That he encouraged you to come after me last year, is that why it was so easy for you guys to make up?” Kellin just nods his head sheepishly in response. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

He takes a little step back, “because my fragile flower, I knew one day you would need closure and that could only come from him. You would need to understand why Vic mucked things up so badly and that it really had little to do with you. I knew the only way you would truly forgive him and move on was when you heard what he did for you. I was just waiting for the day that you would be ready to hear it.”

I kiss him again, “You know I love you right?”

“Duh,” he lightly bites my cheek. “Remember your first day here when Alan was complaining about me and you said I was cute.”

“Yes, she called you a jerk and you winked at me. Why?” I put my head on his shoulder.

“It was then that I knew I would do anything for you.” I can feel myself blushing while he gazes deep into my eyes.

I am at a complete loss for words, so I just kiss him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I sigh happily onto his lips, this is where I belong.

I pull back reluctantly, “I have to talk to Ally and Roxy is waiting for me. I will see you at home in an hour or so.”

“Okay baby.” He kisses me and leaves with Tony who happens to be passing by.

As I walk towards Roxy, I thought about how easily I could call my new ‘room’ home. I mean we had a kitchen, living room, bathroom, and a small dining room, it was more of an apartment than a room really. It is our place, just me and my baby. I smile as I walk towards Roxy who was sitting on the table staring at her cell with a scowl on her face. This could only mean that Jonny sent her another of his daily text, by the look on her face it wasn’t one of his remorseful ones. I plop myself down next to her and twist my face oddly to get her to relax. In that moment Ally and Jack are passing us, yelling at the very tops of their voices.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!!!!” Roxy and I look towards Ally as she stomps her feet and glares at Jack. “You were at the wedding too?”

I slouch against Roxy and sigh. I guess, this would be harder to explain then I thought. I get up and walk towards her, well there is no time like the present.