Minnesota Girl

A few months had passed since Billie Joe had taken me to look at the stars, and during that time I began spending most of my time with him. Hell, I fucking made time to see him. I even called work a couple of times sick because he wanted to show me his and Mike’s old stomping grounds in Rodeo. I was flattered that he wanted to show me where he grew up and what made him who is. Rodeo is a small refinery town about thirty minutes away from Oakland. From what he told me and showed me, there really wasn’t much to do in Rodeo. He took me down to Christie Road again, near where that party had been and we just sat and talked. We talked about his family and mine and he ended up sharing with me about how his father passed away when he was younger, which lead to me sharing with him about my parents. I viewed him differently after that, we had something that bonded us in a way. We talked about my grandmother and I was even open to him meeting her one day. Still, it wasn’t the trips to Rodeo or the making out in the back of his car that had me smitten with him, all of those things were nice but, what really had me hooked was the way he would take hold of my hand when walking through a crowded room, gently drawing me along to wherever he desired, it was the way he’d sing to me when no one but me was listening. He wouldn’t sing in his usual brutal way, he was gentle, similar to the way he would have taken my hand. I was so caught off guard by the strong feelings I had developed for him, that I almost felt like I was in a panic when he would come around. No one has ever made me feel like that. Not even Rob, and at one time, I could have seen myself marrying Rob, up until he screwed on me that is. Billie Joe was the first guy I had ever been comfortable around enough to kiss and not feel weird or wrong about it. Sure, I had kissed guys since Rob and before Billie Joe, but Billie Joe was different. When I kissed him, it wasn’t because I wanted to, it was because I needed to. I needed to be close to him. Now more than ever because he had just made one of the biggest decisions of his life. As of now, Green Day was no longer going to be on Lookout Records, an independent label, instead they were going to sign with Reprise, a major record label and work with a real producer. This was big in terms of becoming more successful, but socially, it was a suicide in the punk community. The backlash had already begun with Gilman. Not only was Green Day not allowed to play there anymore, but Billie Joe himself wasn’t allowed to even be seen there. What I couldn’t wrap my head around, was the fact that the people that had claimed to be their friends suddenly weren’t anymore. People that had supported them for years were now angry and wanting nothing to do with them. I quickly realized that those people were the ones that didn’t want to see Green Day become successful and would have just held them back. They didn’t need that shit. Truthfully, I had loved going to Gilman, but Billie Joe meant something to me and without him there it wouldn’t seem right. It wouldn’t be right.

Today was the first day of recording the album, which had yet to be named. Sheena and I decided not to go with them, this being the first day, we knew they’d be nervous and figured we’d only be adding to it. So instead we spent the day in our apartment attempting to deep clean our freezer, which was now covered in what used to be two cans of Pepsi that had been long forgotten, which resulted in an explosion that couldn’t be ignored.

“This is the last time I let you keep drinks in the freezer.” I groaned while tossing yet another frozen meal into the garbage can. Just about everything in our freezer was fused together with Pepsi and no longer edible. Sheena rolled her eyes as she continued to scrape the side of the freezer.

“Hey, don’t just blame me, your boyfriend brought them here.” She retorted while picking at a chunk of ice and tossing it into the sink. “I put them in the freezer, but he was the one who was supposed to remember them.” She added. I shook my head and laughed.

“Well, next time don’t put them in the fucking freezer.” I scolded. It wasn’t really that big of a deal, but I sure as hell didn’t want to have to do this again. Sheena closed the freezer door and pulled herself up on the counter top. “Speaking of Billie Joe, what were those sounds coming from your room last night?” She inquired with a giant smirk on her face. I rolled my eyes as I brushed the pieces of ice off of my shirt.

“Once again, we weren’t fucking.” I answered. Ever since I started dating Billie Joe, Sheena was constantly hinting and asking if we had ‘done the deed.’ We hadn’t only because I wasn’t ready to take that step with him yet. Part of the problem with me and Rob was that we got physical too fast. I wanted to take my time with this and Sheena just did not understand that.

“But Sadie, you’ve been together for three months! You haven’t done anything!?” She exclaimed. I blushed slightly and shook my head.

“Is there a rule somewhere that says I’m supposed to fuck my boyfriend in a certain amount of time?” I questioned. Sheena shook her head quickly.

“No, but I’m sure that panic attack, he had last night could have been avoided if he had gotten some ass.” She mumbled. My eyes widened and I gasped at her words.

“Did you really just say that if I had fucked him last night that panic attack probably wouldn’t have happened!?” I questioned. Billie Joe had told me that he had panic attacks quite often and ended up having one last night. It wasn’t too bad and I knew it was his nerves, so I tried to comfort him the best I could. I couldn’t believe Sheena had actually said that, let alone thought it.

“I’m just saying, that maybe it would have distracted him.” She said quietly. I rolled my eyes.

“Sheena, he has them all the time. Can you imagine what would have happened if we had been having sex!?” I said while sitting next to her. My fingers were as frozen as the freezer at this point and I quickly stuffed them deep into my jacket pockets.

“Okay, okay, I get it. Sex doesn’t solve everything.” She said in a mocking tone. “But, it does however make for an interesting evening.” She said while raising her eyebrows suggestively. I laughed. I had to at this point, because Sheena wasn’t completely wrong for wondering the things she did. I’ll accept that it probably is a little unusual to have been with someone as long as I have and not ‘gone all the way’ yet. We had gotten close before, but I stopped him. He looked a little hurt at first, which I had half expected and in return made me feel guilty. After I explained to him that I wanted to take my time and not rush anything he said that he understood and never pushed the issue again. I was so grateful for that. But, that really wasn’t my only concern right now, as excited as I was in the huge opportunity Green Day had with this new label, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to them. Would this all be for nothing? Would the album go anywhere once it was released? If this album flopped, Green Day would have lost their punk community for absolutely nothing. Not to mention, none of them even had a proper job. This was literally all they knew. I let out a deep sigh and hopped down from the counter top. Sheena looked at me slightly puzzled and groaned.

“What is it?” She asked, knowing that I was probably about to let my worries be known. I chewed on my bottom lip for a second and turned to her.

“Have you ever thought about what would happen if this new label and album doesn’t work out? Like, if it just doesn’t go anywhere?” I inquired, hoping that I wasn’t the only one of us freaking out slightly. Sheena remained emotionless for a second and then nodded.

“Well, yeah. Who hasn’t? I can’t even imagine how Mike, Tre, or Billie Joe are feeling. This is their lives and it could either make or break them. It’s some serious shit. I’m terrified for all of them.” She answered. I felt a little bit of relief wash over me as Sheena’s words sank in. Admittedly, I was feeling a little foolish for worrying so much about it, with it not really having anything to do with me, but it was comforting to know that she felt the same way. I rubbed my eyes tiredly and walked from our small kitchen to the living room, plopping down on the couch, waiting for Sheena to do the same.

“Has Mike showed you any of the songs or the album? Billie Joe would only show me one, I think he called it, Longview or something like that.” I said while making room for her to sit. I had begged him to show me more, but that was all I was able to get out of him. Sheena laughed and shook her head.

“Obviously, neither one of them wants us to know, because that was all I could get too.” She answered. I groaned and put my head against her shoulder with a small sigh.

“If he wasn’t so cute I’d of already forced him to show me more. He’s been pretty secretive when it comes to his songs lately.” I acknowledged. He told me that he didn’t want me or anyone for that matter, to hear anymore of the songs until they were completely finished. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, but I figured I was already pushing it by asking a third time. Truthfully, I had been waiting for today to arrive because Billie Joe had been on edge for the last week, and I didn’t know how much longer we could go before one of us blew up. His nervousness made me anxious, which in return almost made us both unbearable. Never mind the fact that I finally introduced him to my grandmother, which I had sort of been dreading for weeks. She was however very much stuck in her catholic ways, and I wasn’t certain how she would respond to someone like Billie Joe. Thankfully, it was on one of her good days when we went, and Billie Joe practically had her eating out of the palm of his hand when we left. She even commented on his eyes, which were in her words, “the most beautiful green eyes she had ever seen.” It shocked me really, but I didn’t dare question it. I already recognized how beautiful his eyes were, but it was nice to hear her complement him rather than insult, which I had half expected. Sheena laid her head against mine and laughed.

“Give him some time, the poor guy looked like he was on the brink of insanity this morning. It was pitiful, really.” She commented. I nodded slowly and picked at my nail. Billie Joe was very distant this morning and I literally had no idea what to say to him. I’m sure that your girlfriend telling you how great you’re going to do really wasn’t going to do much. Not today at least.

***

It was close to two o'clock when I finally went to bed. I had wanted to wait for Billie Joe and Mike to come home, but evidently my brain was more up for sleeping than staying up. I had been asleep for maybe an hour when I heard my bedroom door open. One portion of me knew that it was Billie Joe, and the other part of me was alarmed. I still wasn’t used to him staying here. I watched as he kicked his converse off and pulled his shirt over his head. His pants were the last to go and I had to stifle a laugh as he blindly tried to climb over my legs. His motions were really dense, which lead me to think there had been some definite drinking going on tonight. He didn’t look drunk, but it was definitely in his system.

“Billie Joe?” I said gently. His eyes rapidly moved up from the bed and he threw a startled expression on his face. I smiled and swept my fingers over his.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He apologized quickly. I grinned and pulled him down for a hug.

“It’s okay, I’m glad you did.” I whispered as he laid down next to me. He ran is hand through his blond hair and gave me a small smile. I moved closer to him and ran my hand up and down his arm. “Did it go okay today?” I asked quietly. He was silent for nearly a minute before answering.

“It went great.”He finally answered, lacing his fingers with mine. I smile and tilted forward to kiss his cheek.

“I’m glad, you had me worried this morning.” I admitted. Billie Joe chuckled quietly as he played with my fingers between his, gently running his thumb over each of them.

“You don’t have to worry about me, Sadie. I’m okay.” He smiled. It was the kind of smile that had my stomach in knots whenever he did it. Sometimes I think he knows that and does it purposely just to see the slight blush on my cheeks. He reached out and gingerly ran the back of his finger over my cheek, making me look downward. I still wasn’t completely used to this side of him. “Why are you so nervous around me?” He asked quietly. There were times that I would feel a sting of guilt whenever I would shy away from him like this, because for a moment, I would see the infliction in his eyes, and just for a moment there would be pain. I swallowed hard and attempted to look him in the eye.

“I don’t know, you just make nervous, but it’s a good kind of nervous.” I assured him as I traced the praying angel’s on his forearm. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying that sometimes I was secretly unsure if he had any real feeling for me. I even found it hard to believe he was interested in me.

“I wish you wouldn’t doubt me so much.” He whispered. “I know you don’t mean to, but there are times that you look at me like you expect me to hurt you. It hurts me sometimes.” He said honestly. I felt my heart sink at his words and deep guilt. I knew all of that was coming from the issues I had with Rob, but I hadn’t realized that I had been doing that to him. I didn’t want to hurt him. That was the last thing I wanted. I hesitated for a moment, but then gently placed my palm on his cheek.

“I don’t doubt you, Billie Joe.” I lied. “You just make me anxious.” I added, hoping that he would believe me. “I’ll try and keep the looks I give you in check.” I joked. I really hated to lie to him, but at the same time, couldn’t bear to tell him the truth either. I slowly pulled his face down to mine and kissed him. He complied quickly and smiled when we broke apart.

“Ya know, sometimes I think you’re such a tease kissing me the way you do and then other times I’d be okay with just kissing you for hours.” He whispered in my ear. “I’m a mess because of you, Sadie Keaton.” He stated while piercing his eyes through mine. “A fucking mess and I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.” He added. A smile crept to my face as he inched so close to me that our noses nearly touched. He pressed his lips to my head before closing his eyes. He fell asleep before I did, and I lay there watching his chest rise and fall, his words kept echoing through my mind. I made him happy? What did I do exactly that made him happy? What he had said to me was the sweetest thing anyone could ever say to me and if I had been any other girl, I’d probably have let him fuck me because of it. As I watched him sleep, I couldn’t help but feel disgusted with myself because I still didn’t believe him.