Almost Said It

I was glad to have class with the kids, it kept me distracted from last night. He’s been on my mind all day and even 29 kids couldn’t keep me distracted.

The kids were working on Math, and the room was slightly quiet as I circled around, keeping an eye out. I saw one of the kids raise their hand and I crossed the room and kneeled down to his level.

“Everything okay Joseph?”

He shook his head, “I can’t get this” he seemed frustrated, “I don’t like Math”

I smiled a little, “How about I draw a picture for you, do you think that might help?”

He nodded and handed me his pencil. I grabbed a scrap piece of paper and took a moment to think of how to illustrate this for him.

“You like hockey, right Joseph?”

“Yah” his eyes lit up, “Penguins”

“Okay, well how about I draw hockey pucks, or imagine them as hockey pucks. Do you think you can do that?”

He nodded yes and I followed by drawing black circles in groups so he could add them up easier, “If ever you get a little stuck, sometimes pictures can help. You can do it without my help too, but remember you can always ask for help too, okay?” He smiled, his big blue eyes bright and turned his attention back to his Math sheet.

Days like today are the reason I became a teacher. Seeing the light in a child’s eye when they’ve finally gotten something, grasped an idea, it’s a powerful feeling and extremely exciting. That’s when I know I’m doing my job well.

As the clock hit 2:45, the bell rang and I dismissed the kids and supervised them as they grabbed their bags, homework and found their coats and parents.

The classroom was empty now and the silence didn’t help my thoughts of James. I wasn’t sure how to approach Matt now because I felt awkward and guilty, even though I did nothing wrong. It’s not like I said I was over him, I just hoped that pushing it out to let Matt in would help the feelings disappear over time but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

“Sammy”

I turned to see James standing in the doorway of my classroom and those old butterflies seemed to attack again. I sat up, alert and tried to look busy, unsuccessfully.

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your classroom” he said. He looked around at the partly made snowflakes, the kids names, their stars and a list of the line buddies for this week. He walked down the aisles of desks and then turned around again to face me, “It looks great”

I nodded a bit, “Thanks”

“I’m really proud of you, you know? I’m sure I’ve said it before, but seeing this and knowing how hard you worked to get here…I’m just really proud of you”

I took a deep breath in and let out a shaky breath, hoping he didn’t notice, “Is there something you came here for?” I asked, “I’m sure it’s not to see my messy classroom”

He laughed a little, “No, it’s not. I was hoping you’d take a drive with me. Shayna’s gone for a couple weeks, back home, and we just haven’t spent a lot of time together in a while.”

“You miss me James?” I asked with a smile. I laughed a little and then met his gaze again.

He nodded, “I guess I do” he kept his eyes on me and then I looked away again, “Do you mean now?” I asked, “Because I have a lot –”

“Of work. Yah I know. Give me a couple hours of your time. I think 29 six year olds will not know if something is missing”

I sighed a bit and pulled my coat off the back of my chair and stood up, “Fine, but not long okay?”

He nodded, “Okay”

I followed him out of the building and he led me to his car, parked next to mine in the faculty lot. I climbed in, silently, and let him start the car and pull out of the lot. He handed me his iPod and left me to choose the music. I smiled a little and scrolled through his music and noticed he still had the playlist I made for him when we were together.

“You didn’t delete this?” I asked.

He shook his head, “Why would I?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I just thought since it was made when we were together, and it was music that--” I stopped, and he looked over at me to finish the sentence.

“Music that what?”

“Music that showed you how I felt”

It went quiet then, and I set the iPod down, “You pick” I said looking out the window, “It’s your music”

I looked over and noticed that he didn’t reach for the iPod and left the silence in the car. I wanted to say everything, ask him what he was doing, tell him how I felt but the fear was crippling and it wouldn’t come out. Instead, I kept my eyes on the trees and buildings passing by as he drove through the city. I continued listening to the silence, hoping he would say something or put some music on, but he wouldn’t, and finally I got fed up.

“Ugh. This is painful, I need to put something on.” I reached for the iPod and then his hand stopped me and grabbed mine, “Don’t” he said.

I felt my heart race and I pulled my hand away, “What? Why?”

“Something is bothering you and I want to know what it is”

I shook my head, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Jay”

“You’re quiet, distracted…”

I shrugged, “There’s a lot going on”

“Is it Matt?”

I shook my head, “No. I haven’t talked to him today. It’s nothing, I promise you”

He sighed and didn’t pry anymore, “Okay” he said quietly. I reached across the console and grabbed the iPod. I scrolled through and found OneRepublic.

I'm holdin' on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground.
And I'm hearin' what you say,
But I just can't make a sound.
You tell me that you need me,
Then you go and cut me down...