Oh, Saint Nick

I knocked on Evelyn’s door again but everything inside was silent. I hesitated, considering pushing the door open anyway but I didn’t want to upset her more.

“Evelyn can you please just come out.” I said loud enough for her to hear me through the door. “Let me explain.” I still didn’t get a reply. Sighing I bumped my head against the door prepared to make a dish of all her favourite foods when someone knocked on the door.

I almost turned Harry away if it wasn’t for the guilty look on his face and the magazine he held in his hand.

“What’s this?” I snatched it out of his hand to see Harry standing with Evelyn and me at the carols. Baby Lexi was in my arms.

“I’m so sorry about this. I’m actually surprised it took them this long to find your names to match with the photos to be honest.” I shot Harry a disbelieving look as he ambled past me into the apartment.

“Where’s Evelyn?” He asked peering around the room. Distracted, I stared at the picture before flipping to the page that held the story. “Emmalyn?”

“Huh? Oh. She’s uh in her room. Won’t talk to me. We got into a fight last night.” I admitted to Harry, clutching the magazine as he regarded me curiously. “She said I was her Mum.” It wasn’t the whole truth of what had gone down last night but I wasn’t lying either.

“What did you tell her?” Harry asked.

“That I wasn’t her mum.”” I told Harry truthfully. “That I could never replace her Mum.” Harry narrowed his eyes at me for a moment before sighing and rubbing a hand through his already messy hair.

Do you mind if I go talk to her?” I shrugged at Harry and waved him away while turning back to the article in front of me. The magazine did have both mine and Evelyn’s names right, even our last names. I scanned through and found the small bit of information containing Erin and Ethan’s car crash. I sighed and realised that Harry and everyone knew that I had recently met would probably read this and realise how traumatizing our lives actually were. I hated the sympathy that came with people once they find out how bad the crash had been.

I heard murmuring from down the hall and realised Evelyn had actually allowed Harry to come into the room. That she was actually talking to him. I walked quietly down the hallway and stopped just next to her open door trying to hear what they were saying.

“She doesn’t want me.” I heard Evelyn sob making my heartache. I didn’t mean to make her feel like that.

“Of course she does Evie. Your Aunty loves you.” I heard Harry whisper.

“But she doesn’t want to be my Mum.” Evelyn wailed louder and I felt tears spring to my own eyes. I wanted to rush in there now and apologise, insist I love her but I didn’t know what to say or how to prove it. I had been trying so hard these last couple of months to make sure she didn’t feel unloved and I ended up being the one to cause her distress.

I stayed outside the door as Harry cooed and comforted her until her cries were only sniffles and mumbled words.

Harry walked out not long later and shot me an annoyed look while shutting Evelyn’s door. He waked off down the hallway and I scrambled to follow after him, wiping my cheeks.

“How could you tell her that?” Harry hissed to me once I followed him into the living room, I assumed Evelyn was asleep since Harry was being quiet despite how angry he looked. “She thinks you don’t love her.”

“I love her! Of course I love her.” Harry shushed me and I bit back the anger at him.

“Well she thinks you don’t want to be her mother.” Harry replied, roughing his hair up. I was angry that he felt he had a part in this, like he had a say in what happened in our lives.

“I don’t want to be her mother.” Harry’s eyes widened in shock. “I am never going to be her mother Harry. I’m her Aunty and she is not my kid.”

“Then whose kid is she?” Harry responded, not missing a beat.

“Erin and Ethan’s!” Our voices had sine risen, neither of us seeming to care about the sleeping five year old.

“They’re gone Emmalyn, dead.” I flinched away from him and he almost seemed to regret his words. “I’m sorry but they’re gone and as far as that little girl thinks is that she doesn’t have a mother therefore no one will ever lover her enough.”

“I’m not taking over for Erin.” I told him, shaking with anger at the thought. I never wanted to replace Erin in her daughter’s life, I was her Aunty, and I could never be Erin.

“You never will.” Harry took a step forward but I retreated, his outburst frightened me, frightened how emotional he had become. “Evelyn knows the difference between you both but she doesn’t understand what being a mother means. She thinks it’s someone who looks after her, who loves her. She thinks you are what makes a mother. And instead of explaining that to her you shut her down and make her think that no one will love and take care of her because she doesn’t have a mother.” I knew Harry as right. I hadn’t meant to make Evelyn think that. I would never want her to think that.

“Why do you care so much Harry? Why are you so invested in us?” I was tired and sick of replaying Ann’s words. If she was right and Harry was just playing house with us why did he care so much? Why didn’t he just see how damaged we already were and just leave.

I know I had offended Harry by the way he stared at me speechless, betrayal could almost be seen in his eyes. He thought he had every reason to care about us but he had never told me a good reason.

“I don’t know how not to.” He eventually replied, resigned. “If you want a relationship where I don’t give a shit about you or your kid.” He shot me a glare when I tried to protest. “Then I’m really not the right person to have that relationship with. I see the way you look at her, they was she lights you up like a freaking Christmas tree. Since I met you I felt like my whole life began orbiting around you.” I stared at Harry shocked, not expecting this admission.

“I’m falling in love with the both of you and for some goddamn reason you refuse to let me in.” I blinked at Harry surprised, nausea settling low in my stomach.

“You’re a Popstar Harry.” I responded weakly, thinking back to the conversation with Ann. “You’ll just grow bored of us.” Harry narrowed his eyes and for a small second I thought he might spit fire.

“You know being a Popstar has given me a lot of things but it seems to always take away what I really want.” His eyes travelled down the hallways to Evelyn’s room before he took a step past me, heading towards the door.

“I’m giving you an out.” I told him, not turning around to see where he was going, I couldn’t believe the turn our conversation had taken. I didn’t want this to happen but it had already been set in motion and I felt it hurdling towards a crash that I couldn’t prevent.

“I never asked for an out.” Harry responded harshly before the front door slammed shut behind him. I winced and frowned as Evelyn started crying loudly from her room. The loud noise had obviously scared her.

Pushing the tears away I made my way towards her room prepared for battle.

-

Evelyn stayed by my side through the crowds of people shopping and held my hand. But she refused to smile or talk or interact with me at all. She was still hurt and angry and no amount of brownie bribes could change that. I would eventually have to talk to her about it all but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say or where to start.

I almost cried in public when I saw Ann and Gemma making their way towards us, faces concerned. I bent down to pick Evelyn up wishing that we had gone to another mall.

“Is everything alright?” Ann blurted out the moment she was within hearing range. I gave her a curt nod and Gemma looked us both, puzzled, as Evelyn just buried her face within my neck. Ann reached a hand out to Evelyn but I took a step back.

“Harry he uh come home. He was angry. Really angry.” Gemma commented hesitantly obviously unsure of all the information. I shot a look at Ann who seemed unhappy and worried rather then satisfied.

“I thought you would be happy. I gave him an out and he took it. So you have your Harry back now and, and I have my life.” I made a move to walk away but Ann reached out to stop me.

“I didn’t want either of you to get hurt.” Ann told me, her eyes lingering on Evelyn. I shrugged and tried to take another step back but she wouldn’t let me. I could feel the familiar sting of tears in my eyes and I wanted to get out of here. I didn’t want to cry in public especially not in front of Ann or Evelyn. I felt frantic and trapped as everyone around us shoved and pushed their way, I held onto Evelyn tightly trying to find somewhere to escape. Ann was calling my name, but I couldn’t hear her, just see her lips move and form my name constantly.

Until we were pushed violently apart, I hung tightly onto Evelyn who began to cry. She was sobbing words like “Harry” “Mum” and “Don’t wuv me”. Before I could break down in the middle of the mall a space opened up in front of us that led to a clear path straight to the doors. I took step towards it, spotting Stalker Santa standing to the side instructing the marching elves, which had pushed Ann away. He smiled and gestured towards the open door. I didn’t pause any longer but instead made a mad dash through them and to the car. All the while Evelyn sobs grew louder.

I placed her on the side of the passenger seat and made her look me right in the eye.

“I love you okay. I damn well love you so don’t you dare think that I don’t. You are literally everything I love and care about. Every minute of every day I think about you and how to make you happy and how to look after you. You are the most important person in my life do you understand me?” Evelyn hiccupped in response.

“I don’t want to be your mum sweetie because I don’t want to take over from your proper mum. But I am your Aunty and I will always be your Aunty who loves you and cares for you just like a Mum would. I love you just as much as your mum does. But I’m your Aunty okay sweetie. Your Auntie.” I had no idea if she understood everything I had just rambled to her but her tiny arms latched onto my neck and her small fingernails dug into my shoulders blades.

She was sniffling and rubbing snot over my neck but I didn’t care. She was warm and safe and loved and that was all that mattered.