Oh, Saint Nick

“Are you shitting me right now. I have bank statements that are telling me I paid you.” I glanced briefly down the street when I thought I saw a flash of familiar festive clothing and large stomach before I quickly stepped into the apartment complex and out of the cold air.

“I’m sorry Miss but I checked and…”

“Well check again.” I hissed through the phone trying to carry two bags, a tray of cakes and hold my phone up to one ear. Evelyn happily skipped up the stairs in front of me, humming a tune that was in her head. The lady on the other end of the phone sighed before I could hear her fingers clicking against the keys.

“Alright, just hold one minute please Miss.” I grumbled lowly but held on to the phone, I stared intently at the bank statement, I had printed off, in my hand where it clearly stated that I had sent money into the proper account to pay for both the rent and electricity bill.

“Grandma!” I almost dropped everything when I looked up to see Evelyn run down the hallway and pounce on Jacquie who was waiting out front of our door. Inhaling as slowly as possible, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. This was not happening today. Jacquie smiled at me while Evelyn sat comfortably on her hip.

“I’m very sorry Miss, you have paid. We are sorry for the inconvenience and will try to rectify the situation shortly.” I held back the mountain of cuss words I wanted to yell at this lady.

Instead I let out a forced, “Just, fix it. And hurry up.” before ending the call and turning to deal with my next battle.

“Evelyn why don’t we go see if you can spend time with Jonah while I chat with your Grandma.” I didn’t wait for Evelyn’s reply; instead I was already knocking on Dylan and Mason’s door. Dylan answered it this time; thankfully still dressed in his suit from work, tie missing. He glanced between us all confused.

“Hey, would you be able to look after Evelyn for a little bit. Her Grandma’s here.” I gestured back towards Jacquie and Dylan immediately nodded in understanding before reaching out for Evelyn. Evelyn glanced between them both, pouted, but allowed Dylan to take her into their apartment.

“You often give her to the neighbours?” Jacquie questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“They’re good friends.” I snapped at her moodily before walking back to my own door and unlocking it. I walked in first and dumped my bags and tray of cakes on the kitchen island. Jacquie walked slowly in behind me looking around like she was scrutinizing everything, it made me uncomfortable and out of place in my own home.

“It’s smaller then I expected.” She pointed out, coming to stand on the opposite side of the counter to me. I tried not to scowl in response.

“Well there is only two of us, it’s all we need.” I gestured wildly around before walking to the fridge to get a drink, pointedly not offering one to Jacquie. Her pursed lips seemed to notice.

“I’m not scrutinizing your ability as a guardian Emmalyn.” She pointed out to me. I rolled my eyes and slammed the fridge door shut, squeezing the bottle of water in my hand.

“Isn’t that exactly what you are doing though? You and Lewis don’t think I’m good enough for Emmalyn that I’m going to damage or traumatise her right? That’s why you want to take her away.” I gestured wildly, aggressively unscrewing the cap off the water bottle and taking a swig.

“It’s not that we don’t think you’ll be good honey, we just don’t think you’re ready to be looking after a five year old girl. Especially after such a great loss.” I hated that she was being gentle and sympathetic, that she was trying to be reasonable. It made me feel that much more useless and out of my depth.

“You lost someone close to you as well.” I pointed out, traitorous tears filling up my vision.

“Yes but Lewis and I have worked our way through it. It hurts all the time but we’re learning to deal with it. You, you have no one Emmalyn. You’re family is back in Australia and you’re trying to figure out how to look after your niece. You haven’t had time to mourn or get better. You’re still hurting.” Jacquie pointed out. I shook my head and fell down onto the closest stool. I was exhausted. I always was lately.

“I miss Erin and trust me I’m mourning her to the point where most days I’m only getting out of bed because of Evelyn because she needs me, she needs me to make her breakfast, help her get ready. Entertain her through the day, look after her and love her. She needs me do that so everyday I get out of bed to give her exactly that.” My voice was surprisingly calm, toneless.

“You need her too, Emmalyn and it’s almost unhealthy.” I shook my head at Jacquie. “You won’t be able to see what’s best for her. Sometimes you’re going to have to be a tough parent to her and I don’t think you’re ready to be the bad parent to her yet. To tell her no when she needs to be told no.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know what it was like taking a young girl after her parents died. I wanted to give her everything but I couldn’t and because of that I have definitely been the bad parent. She has screamed, kicked, cried and made me cry countless times over these last few months.”

“You think I don’t know how to be the bad parent when I was the one who broke her world. I was the one to pick her up from child services and break the news that her parents were fucking dead. I’ve been the bad person in her life so many times. We can’t even hang up the damn star on the Christmas Tree because I’m the wrong person.” I was breathing heavily, my chest expanding and deflating quickly, I couldn’t seem to catch up.

“I worry every damn day that I’m going to traumatise that child, whether I’m doing the right thing but I’m doing the best I can and you come here after everything I’ve done for her and you want to take her away? Don’t you dare criticize how I’m raising that girl when you couldn’t even look at her for weeks after the crash.” Jacquie looked away, tears in her eyes. I hated bringing it up, I hated opening those wounds but there was a point when her and Lewis were just as wrecked by this as I was.

They had refused to help me look after their grandchild after the crash happened. I went to them asking and they wouldn’t even open the door while Evelyn cried and screamed in my arms. They couldn’t see her; they couldn’t see how much she looked like Ethan. It took weeks before they came to see her, Evelyn forgave them so easily but I couldn’t. They forced us away and out of their lives because they couldn’t handle the loss. I was barely twenty years old when I lost a sister, a brother and grained a child. I had to handle it.

“We regret ever doing that.” Jacquie responded, raising her chin while she still cried freely. I didn’t want to fight with her, I never did. I wanted Evelyn to have her grandparents but I also couldn’t give her up so easily.

“But you still did it. And most would consider that your last chance of getting custody of that child.” I pointed furiously towards the door, walking closer to Jacquie. “I love Evelyn with everything that I have and I’m not giving her to you. Not without a fight.” Jacquie frowned and shook her head, this wasn’t what her and Lewis wanted. I couldn’t believe they actually thought I wouldn’t fight them on this.

“We don’t want to take this to court Emmalyn. Think of Evelyn, do you really want to put her through all that?” She questioned me; a hardness behind her eyes.

“I am thinking of Evelyn. I’m thinking that she’s better off with me.” I told her with as much confidence as I could muster. I was scared but I had survived five months with looking after her, I wasn’t about to give up on us now.

“You never wanted kids.” I glared at Jacquie, not seeing the point of bringing up something I had said, what felt like, a long time ago.

“Yeah well death changes people.” She flinched visibly before grabbing her bag and heading towards the door. I followed her closely.

“We have never thought you are a bad guardian Emmalyn.” Jacquie said after a moment’s pause, pushing the door open. “We just want what is best for her and we don’t think you are.” Her words stung but I let her go, done with arguing. I let her have the last say as long as it meant she would leave. That she could disappear and I could once again go back to pretending that this wasn’t happening.

“Em?” I looked up in surprise at both Mason and Harry, standing frozen in the hallway. I didn’t want to see the pity in their eyes. Instead I pushed out of my own door and walked through theirs, instantly heading for where the most noise was coming from.

I fell down to my knees, next to Evelyn, and pulled her tightly against me. She squirmed in my arms, obviously frightened and unsure but I needed the assurance that I had her.

“Emma? Emmalyn?” People were calling my name but they weren’t important. Only this little girl was. She was my whole life wrapped into one small being and I couldn’t let her go.

“Emmalyn you’re scaring her.” Harry knelt down on the opposite side of Evelyn so he could look directly into my eyes. I felt my stomach twist as his green eyes took a hold of my blue eyes and gently pried my fingers from around my niece. She took a step back and Mason grabbed her before I could grab her again. I kneeled there uselessly for a moment before Harry shuffled forward and yanked me against him. I fell easily, muffling my sobs into his shirt. He rubbed his hand lightly over my back. He stayed silent, which I was grateful for. I didn’t think there was actually anything he could say to me right now.

I was scared and lost and I had no idea what I would do if they ever took Evelyn away. The thought made me sick.

I didn’t know how long we stayed like that for. Harry just being there and rubbing a hand over my spine constantly. The rest of the apartment was silent. I wasn’t sure if everyone was still around or had left.

Eventually someone nudged there way between us. Evelyn’s curious eyes looking into mine while Harry held us both. Her eyes were as puffy as I knew mine must be. Her nose had run and I lifted the sleeve of my shirt to wipe at it. She let me without complaint, her bottom lip wobbling.

“I’m sorry for scaring you sweetie.” I whispered to her softly. She made a small whimper before burying her face into my chest, her small fingers digging into my shirt and holding on tightly. I held her just as closely, letting more of my weight lean against Harry who took it easily.

I was worried that Harry would start to talk, start to question why I was going insane, at least that’s what I felt like. But he stayed silent, just holding us both, occasionally running a comforting hand over either of us, every now and then poking Evelyn to make her release a small giggle.

I tried to quickly wipe the snot and tears off my face before finally sitting up, completely off of Harry and pulled away, only slightly from Evelyn so I could wipe her face.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked softly, his eyes held so much concern that I almost started crying again. I looked away and nodded before trying to flash a small grin. I failed miserably.

“I’m scared of losing her.” I whispered to him, pulling Evelyn in for another hug.

“You won’t.” Harry said confidently. I shook my head and stood up, dragging Evelyn up onto my hip with me.

“You don’t know that Harry.” I said softly, making a move towards the door. Harry grabbed my arm to stop me.

“If you want to talk I am here you know? You can talk to me.” He said sincerely, I almost blurted out everything right then and there but Evelyn shifted in my arms and buried her wet nose into my neck. “I want to be here for you.”

“Why?” I asked him, I didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh but I was tired and the thought of Harry wanting anything to do with my messed up laugh as, frankly, very worrying. He had the chance to get the hell out and never come back, to stay out of it. Evelyn would stop asking after him eventually but yet he kept coming back every day since I first met him. And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would willingly want to be a part of this. Mason and Dylan didn’t have a choice they lived across the hallway. Everyone at work didn’t have a choice because they all worked with it and my family didn’t have a choice. But everyone else, every friend I had made before all this happened had left. Had gotten out as soon as they possibly could.

Harry looked taken aback and hurt when I questioned his want and reason to stay here like there was an obvious reason that he would and I was apparently the only person in the world blind to it. I waited for a minute but Harry didn’t continue. He stood there not knowing what to say, so I left. I needed to be with Evelyn alone and waiting around for Harry’s answer that might never come wasn’t anything I had time for.

“What do you think of a bath?” I asked Evelyn when we arrived back in our own apartment. I tried not to re-thin through everything that had happened in here since we had gotten home. It wouldn’t help anyone if I continued to dwell on it al.

“Together?” Evelyn asked softly, her head still buried in my shoulder. I nodded and proceeded towards the bathroom needing to be with her as much as possible. I dreaded to think if our days together were actually numbered.