Carry You Home.

Snow covered the grounds like thick white blankets by the time Josh returned home from promoting Catching Fire and doing more filming for Mockingjay. He managed to keep himself busy, throwing himself into anything and everything one hundred and ten percent. Anything to keep his mind of off the petite girl he met in the middle of summer. The girl who entered his life and turned everything on its head, then leaving as swiftly and unexpected as she arrived.

But now there was nothing to keep his mind from filling with thoughts of McKinley. Her pale skin, dark short hair, the unknowing twinkle in her eyes, and the way Josh felt when he held her close to him. His wallet felt hot and heavy with the unopened letter tucked neatly inside one of the folds.

He hasn't been able to bring himself to actually read it yet. There have been plenty of times where he pulls it out and traces the edges of the folded paper with his finger. But every time he thinks he's ready to read it, he can't. It doesn't feel right.

It feels right now though. Now that Josh bribed one of the workers at Churchhill Downs to let him in. He's only allowed twenty minutes before the worker would return to kick him out. Josh didn't need that long though, only enough time to come to peace with everything. Finish it where everything started.

So Josh started by resting against the same railing that he first spotted McKinley leaning over in her floral dress, large hat, and oversized sunglasses. Josh looked out at the race track and imagined horses racing along the dirt circle. McKinley won two hundred dollars that day, but she wasn't the only one that won something. Josh won a whole lot more than two hundred bucks. He won over the heart of someone so unexpected, and that's the best kind of winning.

Josh holds the letter in his hand unsteadily. He takes a few calming deep breaths and wills the tears away before unfolding the letter slowly and begins to read.

Dearest Josh,

Olivia says that I'm being silly for writing people letters, especially because of how good I've been feeling. But I've always been cautious, you know that. So this letter is a failsafe, of sorts, in case you come back to me and I'm already gone. So get comfortable Joshua Ryan Hutcherson, I've got a lot to tell you.

I decided to travel the U.S. simply because I knew that I was only living on borrowed time. I wouldn't have enough time to see the world so I stuck to what was in my backyard. Also because I thought that if I distanced myself from everyone I loved, my mom and my dad and Olivia, that it would hurt less when I died because I've already been gone for so long. But then I met you.

I didn't want this, you know that. I pushed and pushed but you kept pulling. I'm glad you are so persistent. Because I cannot think of any other way to spend my last couple months than with you. I was so scared of feeling what I certainly feel now. I thought that if I fell in love with you, which I did, that I would fight this friend and continue this ongoing dance with Death. I knew that this sickness would never go away, I might have beaten it again this time, who knows, but give it another year, because like holidays, my cancer will always return. That's why I need to end it, despite my parents, despite my friend, despite meeting you, I needed this to end. My feet hurt from dancing for too long, and I don't think I could continue without having to be committed to some place that treats insanity.

But I'm not sad or scared that I can see my own finish line. Maybe I'm a little scared but I'm definitely not sad. That's because of you and all the joy you've brought in these short few months. They were too short, but nonetheless I'll take short over nothing at all. It's not good to be greedy, but I've been very greedy with my time with you. I shouldn't have brought you into this; I shouldn't have made to stay to witness my health deteriorating. No matter how many times you've told me that you want to be by my side, I still find myself thinking how selfish I am.

But the best kind of love makes you that way. I didn't believe in all that bullshit, my mind was too wrapped up in cancer to care. But now my mind is filled with thoughts of you twenty-four seven. Sometimes they're dirty thoughts, but most of the time they are just thoughts of your smile or kind words that you whisper in my ear while I pretend to be sleeping.

Okay I'm rambling, so I'll make this short. Thank you for everything. You've made my truly dark and cold life have some sort of meaning again. And that is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. So now this is my gift too you. Let me go, Josh. Life is much too precious to hang on to things that are no longer there. You have too much love and fire in your heart to keep it under lock and key. Find a girl, or hell even find a guy, and give them the love and devotion that I know you can give them. I won't haunt you from the grave because I'm pissed that you're happy. I need you to be happy, because I am so happy.

So I give you permission to find someone who makes you feel how you made me feel. Love them, marry them, build your dream house, have a lot of children, and become the deserving actor you have always planned to be. Then when you've done it all I want you to think of me, and I want you to smile and remember all the happy moments we had together and how you completely changed my life.

I also want a shout out at ever Oscar you win, and you'll be winning a lot.

Love,
McKinley.

Tears streamed down Josh's face, he didn't make any moves to wipe them away or stop them from coming. He simply folded the letter and placed it back in his wallet where it would remain. The worker escorted a teary eyed Josh out into the parking lot where they shook hands and departed.

Josh would do exactly what McKinley wrote him to do only because that was her final wish to him and he'd do anything and everything humanly possible just to make her happy. So Josh got into his car, jumped on I71 and sang loudly to everyone song that played on the radio until he sat in the driveway of his childhood house. He was sure all of his family was gathered in the room dedicated to our Christmas tree, waiting for his arrival.

Josh would put on a smile, one that he meant, and have a good time with family then slip away to make a few phone calls. One to McKinley's parents to wish them a happy holiday then another one to McKinley herself. Her voice mail was filled with his messages, all of them were sad pleas to come back to him, but this one would be happy. No tears, no bribes, nothing.

"I read your letter today where we met. I'm a complete sap, I know. But I'll do what you said; the wife, the house, the kids the career. And I'll be happy. But I won't forget you, I'll never forget you," Josh took a pause. "Merry Christmas, McKinley. I love you."

He'd see her again someday.