The Poison in Your Blood

The last two months have been both busy and frustrating. Austin and I made the decision to get married in December around the time of what will be the first year anniversary of when we met. I already bought my dress and when we went over the whole idea of when we would get married I was insistent that it couldn’t be that hard to plan a wedding, despite the fact that he was married once before and knew better than I did. I’m finding out now that I was wrong and he was right.

I’ve been trying to find a location to hold my wedding. I can’t decide if I just want to get married in Los Angeles or if I want to go somewhere. I have made it clear I want to go to Rome for our honeymoon and maybe a side trip to Paris to see the Paris Opera House.

I really have no budget in place for the wedding, and every time I try to go over the budget with Austin he blows it off. It bothers me to no end, because I feel like he should have some concern over how much money is spent. But instead if I say something might cost an amount I’m not sure about he makes some kind of obnoxious joke about how it should cost much more than that and that closes the conversation.

Today I’m home supervising the people who came to put a pool in our backyard. The pool was my idea. Austin has a huge back yard and it was dying for a swimming pool. We looked through some different options and finally decided together on a ridiculous pool with a hot tub and we decided to have a barbeque and bar installed. I also just finished cleaning up the kitchen.

Josh turned 18 yesterday and I just finished cleaning up from the dinner and cake we made. I was feeling lazy and unwell. The unwell thing has been on and off for a couple weeks. I took two pregnancy tests and went to my doctor to be sure, despite Austin’s insistence that he can’t get me pregnant. All tests came back negative and so I’ve just been trying to push through the not feeling well and ignore it. I should probably see somebody other than my gynecologist but I’m sure it’s just a virus and it will go away on its own.

I pour myself a glass of lemonade and take a sip. The air is on full blast, because it is July in Los Angeles and it’s a heat wave. I feel sorry for the poor pool guys. I’ve given them buckets full of lemonade and iced tea and I even made them lunch. The pool will be finished in a couple days.

I start flipping through a bridal magazine when Piggy comes trotting in through the sliding glass door that I left cracked open when he escaped when I went to give the pool guys lunch. I look up at my fat little cat with affection. Then I see it and my stomach lurches and my heart stops for a second and I scream when he drops the small rabbit. The thing is still alive but barely and I watch in terror as Piggy swats at it a few times.

I finally unfreeze myself from my seat and grab the broom. I swing the broom at the cat a couple times, hoping he’ll take the rabbit back outside. Instead he leaves the now lifeless body lying on the kitchen floor and runs out of the room at full speed. I drop the broom and back away from the murdered rabbit.

“Austin!” I scream. “Austin! Austin!”

He’s upstairs working on some music. He’s been up there most of the day. I told him I’d let him work in peace and I’d supervise the pool installation and he could use his energy to focus. But right at the moment all I can think about is finding Piggy and strangling him and finding somebody to remove the dead bunny from my kitchen. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been unable to clean up my cat’s prey. Dead animals freak me out beyond comprehension and when I was little I would have to have my father clean it up. After my father died and I was living with Blair she would clean them up for me, or her son would if Blair wasn’t home. Though he hated to do it and could make fun of me relentlessly. I’ve actually been known to call friends to come and clean dead animals off my front porch for me because I would be unable to leave my house with them on the porch.

“Austin!” I scream one more time.

He appears in the kitchen all of the sudden and takes hold of my shoulders. “What? What happened?” he asks, his voice laced with concern.

I take in a deep gulp of air and I point at the thing lying on the floor, dead as a doorknob and motionless. “Piggy killed a bunny. Clean it up…please clean it up,” I say.

There is a moment of silence as he stares at the dead rabbit. Then suddenly he bursts into laughter. He lets of me and looks at the bunny again for a second before turning to look at me. “Thank God, the way you were screaming I thought you’d cut off your arm or something,” he says.

I frown. “It isn’t funny! Please, clean up the bunny, please,” I say.

“Alright, alright,” he says. He removes the bunny from the house and comes back to laugh at me again.

I still haven’t moved from where I was standing when he comes back in from the back yard where he put the bunny in one of the big garbage bins. He has a huge shit eating grin on his face and I cross my arms over my chest with irritation.

“Stop laughing at me,” I say.

“Oh come on,” he says. “You weren’t really that upset were you?”

“Yes! I hate dead animals! That’s why Piggy isn’t allowed outside! But I went out to take the guys building the pool some lunch and some more lemonade and because my hands were full I couldn’t shut the door and he got out. I didn’t know he’d kill something on his only adventure into the outside!”

“Lana, it was a bunny,” he says. “A little tiny bunny. Thing couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old.”

“It doesn’t matter!” I cry. “It was dead!”

“Okay, okay,” he says. He puts his hands on my shoulders. “Calm down, the bunny is gone.”

“Don’t patronize me!” I say with narrow eyes.

“It’s alright, Lana,” he says. “Is the cat inside now?”

“Yes, I swung the broom at him and he ran off into the living room.” I still have my arms crossed over my chest and I’m kind of pissed off that he’s so amused by my inability to remove a dead rodent from my kitchen.

“Don’t be mad at me, baby,” he says after a few minutes.

“You’re an ass,” I say and turn away from him.

“I didn’t know you were really that upset,” he says. “I just figured you were grossed out.”

“I hate men, you all always make fun of me,” I say.

He runs his hand down my arm and I take a breath. “I’m sorry I laughed at you,” he says and kisses my neck.

I feel myself turning into mush under his touch and I can smell him and I hate him even more for using his hypnosis power against me. But I can’t stop breathing and before I know it I’m feeling totally relaxed and I’m over being pissed off about the bunny.

“I don’t want to have sex,” I say. Usually any time he starts with the smell and the neck kissing and arm rubbing bullshit I end up naked. I would feel totally weird if I was naked with bunch of men outside listening.

“Okay,” he says.

A few minutes pass and I suddenly have to throw up. I pull out of his grip and rush to the sink in time to throw up my lunch. I feel him pull my hair back and he rubs my back gently a couple times while I finish. I rinse the sink out and run the garbage disposal for a few minutes.

“Lana, you need to see a doctor,” he says.

“I’m fine,” I say. “It’s probably just a stomach bug.”

“You’ve been throwing up for two weeks,” he says.

“I know,” I say. “Maybe I should take another test.”

“We’ve been over this,” he says.

“How do you know you can’t get me pregnant? We’ve been having unprotected sex, and last time I checked you were still a man.”

“Lana,” he says.

“I know, I know, ‘medically speaking’ you’re dead,” I say and roll my eyes. “I probably have an ulcer.”

I turn and put my arms around his waist. I don’t actually know what’s wrong. But I need to be comforted right now. He holds me and I feel perfect for a few minutes. Then the sliding door opens and he lets go of me and turns his attention to the pool guy standing in the kitchen.

“Sir, we are finished for the afternoon. We are far ahead of schedule, so I’m estimating you should be enjoying your new pool by tomorrow night.”

This seems like good news.

“Wonderful,” Austin says.

The pool guy gives a little nod and goes back to the back yard. A little bit later the entire crew has left. Austin and I go outside and look around the work zone. The barbeque and bar are finished and looking beautiful. It is a charcoal grill positioned beautifully in a stone brick counter. The bar wraps around the front creating a kind of kitchen. The pool is in place but the stone work isn’t quite finished. We got a waterslide build into a waterfall rock formation thing and it looks like that is mostly what is still being built.

“We’ll need to get some furniture once this is over with,” I say and examine the whole thing. It is looking great and where it takes up the entire back yard its okay because it looks a lot better than his field of dead grass had looked before the cement was laid. Besides, it’s hot a fuck out here and a nice pool is what we need.

“Think of all the fun you and I will have out here,” he says with a dirty grin.

“Yep,” I say. I’m not feeling well again. I feel blackness closing in in my vision and I put my hand to my head.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just the heat,” I say. I am overcome with dizziness and I stumble backwards.

Austin catches me before I can hit the ground and he takes me inside. He lays me on the sofa and he leaves me alone for a few seconds before returning with a glass of water. “You are going to see a doctor, Lana,” he says.

“It was just the heat,” I insist.

“Lana, it isn’t a yes or no question,” he snaps.

“Jesus Christ you act like I have a brain tumor. I threw up and I got dizzy from the heat,” I snap back.

The look on his face sends a cold wave straight through my body.

“Would you be able to tell if there was something really wrong with me?” I ask after a couple seconds.

“No,” he says. “Not necessarily.”

I don’t know if I’m convinced.

“I’m not a doctor, Lana. But something is wrong. It’s not normal to just start puking and having dizzy spells.”

“It happens every summer,” I say and take a deep breath. “I don’t get along well with the heat. It gives me migraines and dizziness and sometimes I throw up because of it,” I say.

He looks at me blankly for a while. “Fine,” he says after a few minutes. “I’ll trust you this time,” he adds.

“I’m hungry,” I say.

“Would you like to go somewhere?” he asks.

“We could do that,” I say and give him a smile. He laughs and helps me up off the sofa. The dizziness has gone away and I’m feeling better. I use the living room mirror to fix my hair a little and I grab my purse and sunglasses. I link arms with him and we head out of the house together.

We end up at the mall and I get a hot dog on a stick and large lemonade. Austin declines any food, which isn’t surprising to me, considering he usually doesn’t eat a lot of “human food.” We sit together in the food court.

“I was thinking about some stuff for the wedding,” I say.

“What kind of stuff?” he asks.

I take a bite of my corn dog and think about it for a couple minutes. “I’m not sure I want to have it in L.A.”

“Where would you like to have the wedding?”

“I don’t know,” I say and take a breath. “I kind of want to have a beach wedding.”

There is a pause. I take a long sip from my lemonade and wait for him to answer me.

“There are beaches in L.A.” he says after a minute.

“I know,” I say. “But I’m kind of thinking more of a tropical beach,” I add.

“I got married in Hawaii once,” he says, clearly unhappy with where I’m headed in this conversation.

“I didn’t say Hawaii,” I say. “Just that I’d like to get married on a tropical beach. We could do it in the Caribbean,” I say. “The Bahamas?”

“You want to get married in the Bahamas?”

“I think it would be fun,” I say.

“And how would your friends get there?”

“I haven’t got many friends,” I say. “We might have to help Madison pay for her ticket. But Jon has plenty of money.”

“Jon?” he asks with wide eyes. “You are going to invite your ex lover to my wedding?”

“Our wedding,” I snap. “He’s my friend, Austin.”

“Right, your friend. The same friend who is in love with you!”

“Oh my God, why are you all of the sudden being a jealous jerk?” I ask. I’m suddenly not very hungry anymore, nor do I want to be at the mall with him. I actually kind of want to go home and throw something.

“Because, Lana! It was one thing to have him at your birthday party, but another thing all together to have him at our wedding.”

“Why?! He’s my friend! Are you not going to invite your friends?!”

“None of my friends are my ex-girlfriends!” he snaps.

I stand up suddenly and put my purse over my shoulder. “Take me home,” I say.

“You’re mad at me?” he asks. “Really?”

“I’m not mad,” I say. “I’m annoyed as fuck but I’m not mad.” I start towards the exit of the mall, leaving my hardly eaten corn dog on the table. I did bring my lemonade with me, mostly because it was already in my hand.

I hear him following me but I don’t look back. I’m more than annoyed. I’m pissed the fuck off. I stomp through the parking lot and get into the car without saying anything to him at all. I don’t look at him when he slides into the driver’s seat. Tension fills the car and we sit there for a few minutes in silence.

“I can’t believe you are mad at me,” he says.

“I can’t believe you are acting like such a fuck,” I snap. “You know how much Jon means to me!”

“Maybe that’s why I don’t think it’s a good idea to have him at the wedding!” he says.

“Why?! Are you worried I’m going to decide I’d rather marry him?! After everything we’ve gone through together? After I’ve let you drink my fucking blood you think I’m going to decide on our wedding day I’d rather marry Jonathan!?”

“That isn’t what I said,” he starts.

“It’s what you thought! Don’t you trust me at all!? Don’t you know me at all?!”

“Lana,” he says.

“Don’t ‘Lana’ me! And damn it don’t start putting off that fucking smell and making me forget what I was thinking! It isn’t fair when you just hypnotize me every time you don’t like what I’ve got to say,” I yell.

Silence falls over us again and he starts the engine on his truck. I don’t’ know if I’ve won or not but I’m not sure it matters just yet either. Jon will be at the wedding or there won’t be a wedding. I’m not going to have Austin thinking he can tell me who can or can’t be my friend or at my wedding. It’s my damn day too.

The drive home is basically uneventful as both of us are pretty pissed off. We get out of the car and go into the house. Anna is in the kitchen making dinner. Josh is in there with her but he’s working on homework or something.

I go to the breakfast bar where Josh is sitting and I look over his shoulder to see that it’s not homework he’s working on but a drawing of Anna. It’s beautiful and for a few seconds I’m amazed at his talent. I was aware of his talent as a guitar player, and I’ve been to a couple shows his band put on with Anna. But I never knew the kid could draw so beautifully.

“That is wonderful,” I say to him.

“Thank you,” he says. “I’ve been working on it for a few days,” he says.

I nod and look towards Austin. He’s leaned against the counter smoking a cigarette and looking irritated. It only irritates me to look at him right now so I turn my attention back to Josh. “What else do you draw?”

“Oh a lot of stuff,” he says in a kind of distant voice. “I’ve got several drawing pads full of shit I’ve drawn just while I’ve been living here,” he says and laughs.

“I’d like to see some of them,” I say.

“I’m thinking of getting a tattoo…” he says suddenly.

“Oh? Of what?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” he says. He carefully shades in the loop of Anna’s nose ring on his drawing. “But I think I’d like to have that guy Doug do it.”

“I was planning on having Doug do some work for me soon,” Austin says suddenly. “You are welcome to come along when I go.”

Josh nods.

“I’d like to get some work done too,” I say. I glance at Austin and he gives me half a smile and for a second I’m over being mad about what happened in the car. Then it hits me again and I turn my attention to Anna. It smells like heaven in the kitchen.

“What are you making?” I ask as I walk to where she is standing.

“Chicken parmesan,” she says.

I knew I smelled garlic. “And bread?” I ask in a pleading voice.

“But of course,” she says. “Would you like to help me?”

“I’d be delighted to help you,” I say.

She hands me a bowl of bread crumbs and a couple chicken breasts and I get to work on helping her with dinner. She tries to go to the refrigerator and is blocked by Austin. She crosses her arms over her chest in frustration.

“All men out of the kitchen!” she says then. “You’re penis is blocking my way!”

Austin laughs out loud. “My penis is in my pants, doll,” he says.

“I don’t care! Get it out of here,” she says.

He laughs again and pushes up off the counter. He slaps Josh on the shoulder and the two of them leave the kitchen and head to the living room, Josh taking his drawing with him. Anna shakes her head and gets some stuff for a salad out of the fridge. I laugh lightly and go back to the chicken.

“I was thinking I’d make a pie tomorrow,” Anna says. “We still have birthday cake for tonight’s dessert. But I want to make an apple pie.”

“I love apple pie,” I say and give her a smile.

She nods to herself and puts the salad together before taking the chicken from me and putting it in the oven. She pulls the bread out and it looks so beautiful I could cry. She must notice my drooling because she cuts off a slice of bread and hands it to me. I take a bite of the bread and I think I’ve about died.

“Anna, where did you learn to cook like this?” I ask.

“Blair taught me the basics,” she says and shrugs. “I just…have a talent I guess.”

A while later we set the table and set dinner out and bring the men into the dining room. I’m still pretty mad at Austin so I make a point of ignoring him. I know I’m being childish but really he was being a jerk. I don’t play that. By the end of dinner I’m just feeling frustrated and tired and I decide I’m going to bed early.

I get into bed dressed in my shorts and tank top and pull the sheet over my body. I know I’ll be cold as fuck in a little bit because he always has this room so damn cold. But for now the sheet feels good on my skin and I sink into my pillows. I hear Austin come into the room and he suddenly sits on the edge of the bed.

“Lana, let’s stop this,” he says.

“I’m not going to just forgive you and let you decide who I can invite to my wedding.”

“Why are you still angry about that?”

“Because! You were a fucking asshole about it!” I snap. “Jon is going to be at the wedding, or there isn’t going to be a fucking wedding. I’m not going to marry somebody who is that damn jealous,” I say.

“You would be upset if I invited my ex-wife.”

“Not if I knew she was still your good friend. I would be upset if you invited her now because you don’t even talk to her. Look, Jon is my friend. We have both established that we knew we aren’t meant to be with each other. He knows I love you and I’m happy, and I know I’ve found the person I belong with. So why are you acting like if I invite him to the wedding I’m going to leave you and run off with him? My romantic relationship with him was horrible, why in the world would I give this up for that?”

There is a moment of pause. “If you really feel that strongly about it…I guess I can’t stop you from inviting him,” he says after a few minutes. He pulls me up and against his chest, and where I’m still pretty fucking pissed at him, it feels pretty nice to be in his arms.

“Thank you,” I say and put my arms around him in return. I can smell his hypnotizing scent and I take a deep breath of it in. Might as well just let it go now, I won my fight. Besides, make up sex is the best kind of sex.