I Can Love You More Than This

“Oh my god, they’re fantastic!” Kelly said to me after the last song was over.

“Oh, yeah, they were... they were something.” I said. I hadn’t told her about my realization yet. I had told her about Louis, and his friends, and how I started to feel like I might have feelings for Louis, but totally blew it by ignoring him. Now how could I tell her that those guys I had blown off for over a week were the ones up on stage that she was freaking out about?

“Oh, and that blonde one, Niall I think it was? He’s the sexiest out of all of them.” She swooned. I tried not to laugh, trying to picture Niall as sexy. He was good looking, for sure, but it was hard to picture someone I had started to consider a good friend as “sexy.”

“And now we get to go meet them!” She exclaimed!

“Um, what?”.

“Remember? We have backstage passes, duh!” She said excitedly.

Shit. I had been so relieved when none of them seemed to notice me in the crowd, I forgot all about those damn passes. “Oh, yay! That’s so great!” I said, trying to sound excited. I quickly tried to think of a way out of this. I stalled as much as possible, making us stop at the merch booth and look at everything they had. But Kelly was persistent, and eventually we made our way back stage.

My idea to stall was a bad one, by the time we got back there, there were hardly any fans. I looked around for places to hide, but before I could get away I was spotted.

“Sarah!” Harry said, confused and excited at the same time. “What a surprise! What’re you doing here?”

Before I could answer, Niall ran over. “SARAH!” he yelled, “I’ve missed your sandwiches! When are you working again? Lane told us you were on vacation, but you’re here!”

We were interrupted again by a large man down the hallway, who called for Niall and Harry because they had to finish up some things before they left.

“We’ll finish this conversation later, love!” Niall said before running off down the hall.

Kelly looked at me with her eyebrows raised. “Ok, so, I may have forgotten to tell you something,” I said, before she could yell at me. “Remember those guys I said I met at work? Well...” But before I could finish explaining myself, I heard a voice from behind me.

“Can we talk?” I turned around, and there was Louis.

“Umm... Sure” I replied, and before I knew it, he had grabbed my hand and dragged me into the nearest dressing room. “Louis, look, I…”

“Where have you been? Why haven’t you talked to me in so long? Did I do something wrong?” He asked quietly. I was shocked. I was expecting him to be angry with me, but instead he was just concerned. Concerned, and blaming himself. This was much worse.

I sighed, tears starting to come to my eyes. “I wanted to talk to you, I honestly did, it was just too hard, and I didn’t know what to say. And the longer I waited the harder it got, and I just didn’t know what to do.” I started crying harder now. I felt even worse. He had spent all this time blaming himself for me ignoring him, when it was really just me not being able to face my problems. I am the worst.

Before I knew what was happening, Louis had his arms around me. Without thinking about it, I hugged him back. Then I realized that he was touching me, and I wasn’t freaking out. He’s the first person since that night who’s been able to have any contact with me without me having a complete breakdown. I started crying even harder.

“Shhhh.. please stop crying,” Louis said as he rubbed my back, “You don’t have to feel bad, I just thought I had done something to upset you. I guess I didn’t realize your breakup would be this upsetting for you. I’m sorry.”

I pulled away from him, “N-no, stop, you don’t have to be sorry,” I stammered, “You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m fine without Zach, really I am.”

“Then what has you so upset, love?” He asked, trying to understand.

I pulled myself together, knowing I had to try to talk about it at some point, and starting now would probably be better than later. “The night when I worked all day, Zach, he found me. I was trying to leave, and I was alone, and he just… appeared. And I upset him. I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore, and he got angry and he forced me into the back of my car and he... He attacked me.”

I looked up at Louis, trying to judge his reaction. He just stared at me for a second, and then he grabbed me and hugged me again. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. I don’t really know what else to say other than that, I know there’s not much I can do to make it better. Are you ok? No wait, that was dumb, of course you’re not. I mean, umm… how have you been doing?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle a little at Louis’ nervousness. It was odd to me for someone to be that careful with their words. He gave me a confused look, and I sighed, “I haven’t really been doing that great to be honest. I haven’t been able to go near my car, or even leave my house, really. And I haven’t even been able to handle anyone touching me up until now.”

“Wait,” Louis interrupted, “but I’ve been hugging you this whole time. Oh god, I’m so sorry, I probably made you so uncomfortable, and…”

I started laughing and interrupted him, “Louis, calm down, you’re fine. For some reason, I’ve been ok with you. It’s weird, because I haven’t been ok with anyone so far, but right now, with you. I’m ok.”

He smiled, “Oh, well good. I’m glad I make you comfortable.” And he hugged me again. “Now, my last question, I swear… What happened to Zach.”

“He’s… fine, I guess.” I said, looking down. “I did press charges, but he’s got enough money he was able to get out on bail. There might be a trial, but he has really good lawyers, and he’ll probably be able to get out of it. That’s why I have barely been able to leave my house. I’m so afraid I’ll run into him, and I have no idea what he might do.”

Louis pulled me closer to him and rubbed my back to calm me down. “He’s not going to do anything, Sarah, because I won’t let him.”