Buried Feelings
Eh?
Kris came over after practice, we spent all day in bed, watching Sherlock, taking naps, and having lots of hot sex. The kind of sex that you read about in books or watch in movies, the kind of sex I hadn’t had in almost 4 years. We ordered Chinese food and ate in bed, cuddling, laughing, and just enjoying being locked away from the world.
“This is a really great day,” He says taking a bite of his eggroll, “Thanks, Kae.” And he places a light kiss on my temple.
I take a bite of my fried rice and a few grains drop on my chest, Kris leans over and licks them off of me.
“What am I? A buffet?” I giggle and push his head away, “And you are welcome, I have had a fantastic day as well.”
I lean my head on my shoulder and we sit in silence for a few minutes. “I am going to miss you when I go home for Christmas.”
Oh. I scrunch up my nose in displeasure, I hadn’t even thought about Christmas. I guess I just assumed he would be here for it, completely forgetting that he has a family. I don’t want to ruin the mood, so I simply respond.
“I will miss you too.” And place a small kiss on his cheek. Everything is so simple in my bed, with Chinese food, and Sherlock. And thinking of all the barriers, all the outside factors that may affect our relationship will ruin that simplicity, this happiness that we are sharing right now. It can wait until another day.
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I wake up Sunday morning alone in my bed again, second day in a row. I frown and look around. His clothes are no longer on the floor and I don’t see his bag.
“SERIOUSLY.” I yell out of frustration. He left me again; who does he think he is, what the fuck?
“Kae?! Is everything okay?” I hear him shout from my kitchen and he comes plodding into my bedroom.
I laugh and lean against my headboard, he looks at me completely confused. “I thought you left again” I get out in between laughs.
“I told you I wasn’t leaving again.” He says, walking over to the bed, and crawling over to me, giving me a soft kiss. “Now, good morning. I just didn’t expect you to get up so early.”
“You didn’t?’ I say against his lips as I pull him back in for another kiss.
“Well you had quite a night last night, I wasn’t sure if you were used to the physical workout like I am.”
I raise my eyebrows, I know he is talking about how my body isn’t used to intense workouts like that, but I play with him, he gets it right away.
“No no no, I mean like actual workouts, not the kind of workouts we had last night.”
“If you say so, Mr. Versteeg. So what are you doing in my kitchen?”
“Making omelets.” He says over his shoulder as he walks out of my room, “Duh.”
As usual, Kris’ omelets were fantastic, and after we cleaned up dishes we took a shower together before he finally had to go to practice. It was bittersweet having him leave, the past few days had been a whirlwind of emotions, I felt more connected to him than I ever had and didn’t want to be apart from him, but he has to go home for Christmas, but when he gets back on the 26th, I will be in Colorado skiing with my brother until the 30th. It’s going to be a week until I see him and I feel my heart and my face both drop.
“What’s on your mind?” He says as I walk him out of the building.
“I’m going to miss you, that’s all.” It’s selfish, and childish, but I know I am manipulating him, playing on his guilty conscience. I see it working on his face as soon as I finish saying it.
He takes a deep breath, “Maybe I shouldn’t go, I think my parents would understand.” Now I am the guilty one.
“No, you go. You go, it’s not like we won’t talk.” I give him a small smile to ease him, “Just keep New Years open for me, k?”
He gives me his signature smile; the one that tells me all is right in Kris Versteeg’s world. “Anything for you babe.”
We kiss and it leaves me breathless. We have gone from 0-60 in just a few days but everything feels right, I just hope we can make it.
I spend Sunday night sick in bed with a migraine. I end up calling in sick to work on Monday, extending my vacation another day. Sometime around 4pm I muster up the energy to send Kris a good luck text, just staring at the phone makes my head throb worse but I want him to know that I am thinking of him.
“Good luck, Krissy. Score some goals for me, eh” Prodding him a little gives me some comedic relief during my migraine attack.
“I’ll try, why don’t you try and rest to get rid of that migraine for me, eh” Always the caring Canadian.
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Take me to your best friend's house
Goin' round this roundabout
Oh yeah
Take me to your best friend's house
I loved you then and I love you now
Oh yeah
Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't break
Grouplove is playing in my dream where I get elected as the youngest female judge in the county and then I realize, nope, just my phone ringing.
I grab my phone and see that I must have slept through the entire game because Kris is calling me already.
“Did you score a hat trick?” My head feels better but I am still groggy.
He laughs, “No, sorry. I did get an assist though, that’ll have to do then eh?”
“That’ll have to do then.” I let out a deep sigh.
“Are you still tired or was that a giant sigh?”
‘Giant sigh, because I realize that if you are calling me then you are probably waiting to board a plane to go to Canada.” Another deep sigh.
“Yep, I am.” I have a Christmas surprise for you though, so you have something to look forward to, k?”
“Really?” Shit, I didn’t get him anything.
“Yeah, but it’s not a gift so don’t worry about getting me anything, really. It’s not something I went and bought, ok?’ Relief washes over me, we both know it’s a little early to get special presents for Christmas but a surprise is intriguing.
“Soooo….what’s the surprise?”
“Ha, very funny Michaelagh. My plane is boarding, I’ll text you when I land. Sweet dreams.”
“Have a safe flight, Kris. I love you.” It slips out before I can stop it, I hang up quick and hope he had already put the phone down or hung up or something.
“Fuck.” I say to myself. I lay awake for a few minutes; if he heard it he would for sure text me. Without a doubt. And no text comes, all of my anxiety drains and I feel better. I don’t want him thinking I love him already. But what does it matter? Really? I don’t think I ever stopped loving him at this point. But it’s too soon; he can’t know that’s how I feel, not yet anyhow.
Deep breaths, Michaelagh. And I have to force myself to count my breathing, the realization of my feelings hits me and my anxiety comes back. Last time I loved him like this he broke my heart, he broke me, and I have faith in who he is not but still, it’s terrifying.
I love Kris Versteeg. And it scares the shit out of me.
“This is a really great day,” He says taking a bite of his eggroll, “Thanks, Kae.” And he places a light kiss on my temple.
I take a bite of my fried rice and a few grains drop on my chest, Kris leans over and licks them off of me.
“What am I? A buffet?” I giggle and push his head away, “And you are welcome, I have had a fantastic day as well.”
I lean my head on my shoulder and we sit in silence for a few minutes. “I am going to miss you when I go home for Christmas.”
Oh. I scrunch up my nose in displeasure, I hadn’t even thought about Christmas. I guess I just assumed he would be here for it, completely forgetting that he has a family. I don’t want to ruin the mood, so I simply respond.
“I will miss you too.” And place a small kiss on his cheek. Everything is so simple in my bed, with Chinese food, and Sherlock. And thinking of all the barriers, all the outside factors that may affect our relationship will ruin that simplicity, this happiness that we are sharing right now. It can wait until another day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wake up Sunday morning alone in my bed again, second day in a row. I frown and look around. His clothes are no longer on the floor and I don’t see his bag.
“SERIOUSLY.” I yell out of frustration. He left me again; who does he think he is, what the fuck?
“Kae?! Is everything okay?” I hear him shout from my kitchen and he comes plodding into my bedroom.
I laugh and lean against my headboard, he looks at me completely confused. “I thought you left again” I get out in between laughs.
“I told you I wasn’t leaving again.” He says, walking over to the bed, and crawling over to me, giving me a soft kiss. “Now, good morning. I just didn’t expect you to get up so early.”
“You didn’t?’ I say against his lips as I pull him back in for another kiss.
“Well you had quite a night last night, I wasn’t sure if you were used to the physical workout like I am.”
I raise my eyebrows, I know he is talking about how my body isn’t used to intense workouts like that, but I play with him, he gets it right away.
“No no no, I mean like actual workouts, not the kind of workouts we had last night.”
“If you say so, Mr. Versteeg. So what are you doing in my kitchen?”
“Making omelets.” He says over his shoulder as he walks out of my room, “Duh.”
As usual, Kris’ omelets were fantastic, and after we cleaned up dishes we took a shower together before he finally had to go to practice. It was bittersweet having him leave, the past few days had been a whirlwind of emotions, I felt more connected to him than I ever had and didn’t want to be apart from him, but he has to go home for Christmas, but when he gets back on the 26th, I will be in Colorado skiing with my brother until the 30th. It’s going to be a week until I see him and I feel my heart and my face both drop.
“What’s on your mind?” He says as I walk him out of the building.
“I’m going to miss you, that’s all.” It’s selfish, and childish, but I know I am manipulating him, playing on his guilty conscience. I see it working on his face as soon as I finish saying it.
He takes a deep breath, “Maybe I shouldn’t go, I think my parents would understand.” Now I am the guilty one.
“No, you go. You go, it’s not like we won’t talk.” I give him a small smile to ease him, “Just keep New Years open for me, k?”
He gives me his signature smile; the one that tells me all is right in Kris Versteeg’s world. “Anything for you babe.”
We kiss and it leaves me breathless. We have gone from 0-60 in just a few days but everything feels right, I just hope we can make it.
I spend Sunday night sick in bed with a migraine. I end up calling in sick to work on Monday, extending my vacation another day. Sometime around 4pm I muster up the energy to send Kris a good luck text, just staring at the phone makes my head throb worse but I want him to know that I am thinking of him.
“Good luck, Krissy. Score some goals for me, eh” Prodding him a little gives me some comedic relief during my migraine attack.
“I’ll try, why don’t you try and rest to get rid of that migraine for me, eh” Always the caring Canadian.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take me to your best friend's house
Goin' round this roundabout
Oh yeah
Take me to your best friend's house
I loved you then and I love you now
Oh yeah
Don't take me tongue tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't break
Grouplove is playing in my dream where I get elected as the youngest female judge in the county and then I realize, nope, just my phone ringing.
I grab my phone and see that I must have slept through the entire game because Kris is calling me already.
“Did you score a hat trick?” My head feels better but I am still groggy.
He laughs, “No, sorry. I did get an assist though, that’ll have to do then eh?”
“That’ll have to do then.” I let out a deep sigh.
“Are you still tired or was that a giant sigh?”
‘Giant sigh, because I realize that if you are calling me then you are probably waiting to board a plane to go to Canada.” Another deep sigh.
“Yep, I am.” I have a Christmas surprise for you though, so you have something to look forward to, k?”
“Really?” Shit, I didn’t get him anything.
“Yeah, but it’s not a gift so don’t worry about getting me anything, really. It’s not something I went and bought, ok?’ Relief washes over me, we both know it’s a little early to get special presents for Christmas but a surprise is intriguing.
“Soooo….what’s the surprise?”
“Ha, very funny Michaelagh. My plane is boarding, I’ll text you when I land. Sweet dreams.”
“Have a safe flight, Kris. I love you.” It slips out before I can stop it, I hang up quick and hope he had already put the phone down or hung up or something.
“Fuck.” I say to myself. I lay awake for a few minutes; if he heard it he would for sure text me. Without a doubt. And no text comes, all of my anxiety drains and I feel better. I don’t want him thinking I love him already. But what does it matter? Really? I don’t think I ever stopped loving him at this point. But it’s too soon; he can’t know that’s how I feel, not yet anyhow.
Deep breaths, Michaelagh. And I have to force myself to count my breathing, the realization of my feelings hits me and my anxiety comes back. Last time I loved him like this he broke my heart, he broke me, and I have faith in who he is not but still, it’s terrifying.
I love Kris Versteeg. And it scares the shit out of me.