Buried Feelings

On Saturday night I am going to a wedding with Justin, who is the real reason I wanted to leave Kris’ place before things went too far or it got too late. I didn’t feel the need to share with him that I was going to a wedding with Justin, I didn’t owe him anything at this point and frankly, it wasn’t any of his business. And I wouldn’t be lying if I said that I wanted him to find out after the fact and feel a little jealous.

Rachel comes over to help me curl the back of my hair and I can tell that Carly had already filled her in on the earlier part of the night.

“Okay, say what you have to say.” I look at her through the mirror, knowing she has been biting her tongue for the hour she has been here.

“Well, what happened? Did you guys hook up?” She asks, eyebrows raised.

“No, we did not.” Her face drops somewhat, she had always been a fan of Kris, even after he left without a word, she is forever the optimist and believed there was a reason why he did what he did. “But I did give him a small kiss good bye.” Completely down playing the kiss that had my body flushed and alive since then.

She smiles, “I really think you two are perfect for each other, you look great together and you always seem to be happy around him.” She is so sweet and good-natured, her fiancé and her hardly have any disagreements, let alone fight, so she wouldn’t understand all of the issues and problems that make getting back together, complicated.

“Well if only life was all about those two things, maybe then it could work.” I say with a smile and shrug my shoulders.

“Maybe there is more to the story, maybe you just need to talk it out.”

“I tried, he wasn’t ready to talk about it. He knows I want to know and until then, nothing happens because I need to know.” Do I though? Yes, I don’t think I could go through another relationship with him without knowing why the first one ended so abruptly. “And who knows? Maybe it’s not just meant to be.”

She frowns slightly and then refocuses on curling my hair.

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When I am with Justin, things feel natural but not like they do with Kris. I feel comfortable holding his hand and with his hand around my waist but he doesn’t make my heart flutter, it feels more like a friend, or even my brother, than a boyfriend or lover. I lean my head against his shoulder to balance myself, I know that whatever between us isn’t going to last, even if Kris weren’t back in the picture, and it makes my heart drop slightly.

“Are you okay, baby?” He whispers into my hair sweetly.

“Yeah, I am. Just tired from last night. “ Or having the realization that this is going nowhere fast.

During the reception, I feel my bag vibrate and pull out my phone. Justin is off talking to some of the groomsmen, cousins and friends that he grew up with. I should have known coming to his cousin’s wedding would have been somewhat awkward but now it is more so.

“What are you up to?” It’s Kris and I smile to myself.

“I am at a wedding” I respond simply.

“Who got married?”

“One of Justin’s cousins” I respond and quickly put the phone face down, I can picture his face of distaste at that

“Oh Justin the boyfriend?”

“We aren’t official but yes that Justin” And I remember his face when he saw the picture on my wall, my smile falls slightly. This isn’t who I am; I am not the person who rubs this into someone else’s face.

“Well how late is this going? I have a surprise I want to take you to.” Ballsy, asking me to leave my date to go out with him, and suddenly I just don’t care about being angry, or making him feel hurt, or jealous.

“I am pretty bored right now…” Leaving him to make the decision on what we do tonight.

“Where are you at? I’ll swing by and get you.” I tell him that we are at the Marriott in Lincolnshire; he says it will take him a half hour to come get me and will call when he pulls up.

I go over to where Justin is chatting, no one is dancing and the reception is well underway, it’s already 9pm.

“Hey, J? Rachel and Brad got in a fight, she really needs someone to talk to and asked if she could come grab me. It must be bad so I am going to go, are you going to be okay?”

He doesn’t seem to care; he doesn’t even turn to look at me. “Sure baby, be safe and let me know how it goes.” Reaching over and giving me a squeeze and a kiss, I don’t feel bad about leaving and go to wait for Kris at the table.

He pulls up in the R8 and I hope that none of Justin’s family members see me slide into the sports car, he would know right away that Rachel wasn’t picking me up because she drives a Civic.

Kris looks at me and his jaw goes slack, “Wow, you look fantastic.” He says sweetly, and I feel fantastic in my fit and flare Anthropologie dress. I love the black high top and the soft jersey skirt paired with my bold sparkly necklace.

“Thanks” I say coyly, “So what’s the surprise?”

“Well, it’s a surprise.” And we drive away. During the drive we talk about the wedding, our families, and just life in general. This feels more natural than anything did with Justin.

Much to my surprise, we pull up to a bowling alley close to my place. “Bowling?” I ask, clearly surprised.

“Yes, bowling. Now come on!” He says like an excited little kid.

The bowling alley is empty, with just a few workers cleaning up.

“What is this…” I trail off, utterly confused as I look around.

“Well Bicks’ wife’s birthday was today and they rented out the alley until 1am for her but after everyone ate and bowled they decided to take it elsewhere leaving the alley open for us.” He gestures his hand around the alley. A worker waves at us.

We get our shoes, and balls, Kris helps me put my shoes on and we bowl a few frames. The workers turn on the party lights and start playing music. We turn the game into more of a game; you have to dance before you bowl. The scores are low but we are having a blast, I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun.

Ghosts That We Knew by Mumford & Sons start to play and Kris walks over, grabs my ball, and places it in the holder. He grabs my hand and my waist and we start to slow dance. Neither of us saying word, staring at each other, everything feels frozen as I listen to the song and hear the lyrics.

But I will hold as long as you like

Just promise me that we'll be alright.

And I hope that we will be alright.