Never Let Me Go

Jack met him at his locker after school.

He’s hovering. Why is he hovering? Stop. I’m FINE. Alex thought.

“Still coming over tonight?” he said, wrapping his arms around Alex’s waist and planting a kiss on his neck.

His body stiffened and blood pounded in his head, screaming like an ambulance siren ‘get away from Jack’. He wriggled out of his arms and stood on his tiptoes to grab books he’d need for homework.

“Yeah, sure.” he said, not turning to face him.

“Are you okay? Ever since lunch you’ve been… different.”

“Fine.”

“Okay…” Jack said.

Alex could hear that he didn’t believe him. He rested his head against the shelf he kept in his locker. I can’t explain why I feel like this… how can I possibly explain it to him? I want him to be around but at the same time I don’t. It makes no sense. he thought. He shut his eyes against the thoughts, wishing that would make them go away. He felt Jack rest his hand on his shoulder and flinched.

“Hey, it’s just me. Is this about earlier? ‘Cause if it is, tell me the names of those guys and I’ll stick a fish in each of their lockers. It’ll really stink after about a day. Better revenge than kicking their asses. Or at least I think so. Just know I would kick their asses if I wasn’t so scrawny.”

A quiet laugh escaped Alex’s mouth. He loved Jack’s sense of humor.

“I appreciate that.” he said, his voice as quiet as his laugh had been.

“But seriously, what’s going on? Can you turn around? I feel weird talking to your back.”

Alex exhaled. The need to be alone washed over him like a wave crashing onto a beach.

“Look, I’ll just meet you at your place later, okay?”

“O-okay…”

As soon as he heard Jack’s retreating footsteps, he closed his locker and turned around. He leaned back against it, closing his eyes and trying to focus his mind on the best way to leave school without seeing anyone else.

#

Alex lay in Jack's bed that night, listening to the water running from the bathroom faucet as he brushed his teeth and washed his face. He stared at the wall facing him, pulling the covers up to his neck as he fought with his mind, telling it to shut up and leave him alone for once. He heard the bed creak as Jack climbed into bed. He didn't turn around. He couldn't face him right now. He knew he'd make a big deal about him picking at his dinner instead of eating it.

“Can I touch you or are you going to freak out again?”

Oh god he sounds angry. I better apologize for earlier and tonight. I don't want him to think I hate him. Ugh now he probably thinks I'm taking too long to respond. WhatdoIsaywhatdoIsaywhatdoIsay?
He thought. His vocal chords felt paralyzed again so he hoped a shrug would be a suitable answer. He guessed it wasn't when he didn't feel Jack's arms around him… or any body heat whatsoever.

“What the hell is going on with you, Alex? You're not eating, and ever since lunch it feels like I'm dealing with a pod person. I'm trying to be understanding here but I can only help if you don't shut me out.”

Oh shit. He never uses my full name anymore. This really is bad. He thought. He turned to face Jack, first looking down at the bed and then at his hands, where he’d crossed his pinky and ring finger. He only did that when he felt freaked out. He looked back up at Jack, his expression hard to make out in the dark. He almost shut down again at the thought of trying to put words to how he felt, but he told that feeling to shove it as he tried to find the words.

“I’m not trying to shut you out but I don’t know how to explain what’s happening with me either. It’s like, I can’t even make it make sense in my own head, so how am I going to explain it to you?”

“Can you try? We’ve got all night. Start with the food thing. I know you love food, so that’s one of the things scaring me the most.”

“What are the other things?”

Jack shook his head.

“Food thing first.”

“I don’t know… it’s just whenever stuff happens like my mom or me unintentionally hurting you or those assholes at school, I just get really sad or really nervous and sad and hurt and I don’t feel like eating. Like I have no appetite and I don’t know why. Does that make sense?”

Silence fell between them and with each passing second, Alex’s anxiety levels jumped higher and higher.

Why is he taking so long to answer? He probably thinks I’m a freak, who am I kidding, I am a freak. Who’d want to be with such a messed up person? I don’t even want to be me right now. He thought.

“It makes more sense than you know. That’s how I felt the last time the depression hit me really bad. But you still need to eat something, even if it’s something small. Can’t have you starving on my watch.”

Although he still couldn’t see Jack’s face, Alex could tell he was smiling as he said those last words. He felt his throat tightening, the way it always did when someone really understood and listened to him. He felt Jack scoot a little closer to him, though still maintaining his personal space.

I want him to hold me but at the same time I don’t. Gah, I make no sense. Why do I have to be like this? he thought. He started raking through and pulling at his hair as this nervous energy shot through him all at once. He felt like he’d drunk too much coffee even though he knew that he barely touched the stuff. He felt Jack’s hand on the hand raking through his hair and it jolted him out of his thoughts. He flinched at the touch, this time out of surprise instead of fear.

“’Lex… you never used to have a problem with me touching you. Is something else going on that you’re not telling me?”

Just that I feel so… wrong. My own mother thinks I’m so messed up she doesn’t see fit to take care of me anymore and boys at school seem to think all I am is some faggot with weird hair and tight jeans ‘cause I’m with you. I don’t even know what I am. How am I supposed to deal with this while I also have feelings for you? Not to mention I have no idea how to tell you any of this. He thought.

“No, I was just thinking a lot and you surprised me. Just… come here, okay? I don’t want to think or talk anymore tonight.”

He felt Jack hesitate, as if he wasn’t sure whether to believe him, before he finally pressed his body to Alex’s and wrapped his arms around his waist.

He kissed his shoulder and said, “I hate when you get in your own head like that. It scares me since I know how it is when I go through it and I’d hate to think your brain was anything like that. You know I’m here if you need to talk, right?”

Shit, he knows something’s wrong. I’m scaring him. Shitshitshit. How did he see right through me? I thought I was doing a better job than that. Even if I could put all this into words, I know he’d hate me after. I don’t want to hurt him or worry him and I’m doing that right now, oh God, how do I stop doing that? I’ll do better at covering this all up next time, that’s all. He thought.

“Mmm-hmm.” was the only response he could manage.

He felt Jack lay his head on his shoulder and give his waist a tight squeeze.

“Okay…” Jack sounded unsure.

“Really, baby, I’m fine. You don’t have to worry.” He said, more to convince himself than Jack.

“I’ve just… I’ve really started to care about you and I don’t want to see anything happen to you, especially if I know I could have done something.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me baby. Now go to sleep, I’m sure it’s already late.”

He heard Jack sigh against his back and hoped that meant that was the end of the conversation. He grabbed his cell phone from the nightstand, made sure the alarm was set for tomorrow morning, and closed his eyes. He hoped for silence: from his thoughts, from Jack, and from everyone at school tomorrow.

Alex squinted at the sun shining on his side of the bed the next morning. He rubbed his eyes and yawned. He did not feel like functioning today. He wanted to hide under the covers and never come out. He felt as if the sadness that had started to follow him around was slowly starting to swallow him, dragging him down to a place he wasn’t sure he wanted to go. He reached for his cell phone, unlocking it to check the time. 6:15 a.m. Ugh, I still have 15 minutes before Jack wakes up. Might as well get ready now. It would give me something to do at least. And maybe it’ll distract me from thinking about school too much. he thought. He forced himself to sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed. He slid off the bed as gently as he could so he didn’t wake Jack up. He pulled some clothes, his toothbrush, and deodorant from his overnight bag and walked toward the bathroom.

He was zipping up his jeans a few minutes later when he felt one of Jack’s hands squeeze his shoulder. He knew he probably meant it to be comforting, but it only made him feel tenser.

“How’d you sleep last night?”

“Jack, please stop nagging me okay? We’re not related so you don’t have to parent me.”

“You’re cranky this morning.”

The annoyance in his voice deflated the drank-too-much-coffee feeling running through Alex’s body. I don’t know why I just snapped at him like that. He was just trying to be a good boyfriend. I’m such an asshole.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean – and I didn’t... not really. It was mostly just attempting to sleep and not succeeding. And again, I’m sorry, I’m kind of an asshole when I don’t sleep.”

“I can see that.” Jack chuckled.

Alex narrowed his eyes, glaring at him.

“Funny.” He said sarcastically.

“Awww, Lex, c’mere.”

Jack slid his arms around Alex’s waist.

“How about we go to that ice cream place you like after school today? Get your mind off everything? We both could use some fun in our lives.”

A range of emotions from joy to appreciation to lust ran through his body just then. He felt like he was going to burst because he had no idea which to go with first. He turned his head to face Jack and pecked him on the lips.

“That sounds awesome.”

Jack’s face lit up at his response and the first smile he’d seen on his face in days reached his eyes.

“Really?”

He turned around so he didn’t have to crane his neck anymore.

“Yes, really.” he said, chuckling.

“You okay with…?” Jack said, gesturing to Alex’s lips.

“Hmmm…” Alex pretended to be deciding.

“You’re killing meee. Yes or no?”

“That suggestion earned you major points. C’mere.”

#