Never Let Me Go

The bell finally rang, ending what felt like the longest day Alex had ever experienced. He drew a big breath in, blew it out, and headed towards the school gates. The farther he got from school, the further he felt himself spiraling into a hole of self-hatred. He felt around in his wallet, running his hands over the fake ID in one of the pockets. It was like he was in a cartoon and the two sides of his brain had divided into “angel” and “devil”.

C’mon… it’ll make you feel so much better. You know there’s a liquor store that looks the other way close to here. You can numb out. You can make your brain shut up. You need a break, you deserve it. said what he imagined to be the “devil” side.

You really shouldn’t. You should work out instead. Blast some music. Drinking isn’t the healthiest way of dealing with this and you know that. said the “angel” side.

Ugh I just don’t want to think anymore. No more decisions. Please. Just for tonight. Alex thought, squeezing his eyes shut, as if it would make his problems disappear. He opened his eyes again and headed in the direction of the liquor store, his decision made.

#

He woke up the next morning feeling like he’d been thrown into a metal desk. I’ve never had a hangover before… maybe it was the whole drinking on an empty stomach thing. He thought. He hadn’t had much of an appetite last night so he’d skipped ordering dinner.

He rolled off his bed and stood up. He immediately regretted it as the room spun for a few seconds. He steadied himself on his bedside table and trudged over to his closet to find some clothes suitable for school.

I have no idea how I’m going to deal with second period today... he thought.

That was the class he had with Jack. His heartbroken face after their conversation yesterday swam into the forefront of his memory. He cringed. Why do I have to be so stupid? Now he hates me and I don’t want him to hate me, I just want to be around him and talk to him and play music with him and… kiss him and ugh now Rian and Zack are probably going to hate me too. So much for making real friends. he thought. He paused for a second before picking his book bag off the floor, slinging it over his shoulder, and heading down the stairs and out the front door. School was the last place he wanted to go right now.

#

The hallway buzzed with the energy of students chattering amongst themselves as they rushed to the cafeteria for lunch. Yet, Alex felt as if he was someone’s pet fish, trapped behind glass and swimming around aimlessly in aquarium water… only he didn’t have gills.

Why did I think this was a good idea again? Ugh ugh ugh. It felt amazing last night though. He thought. He leaned against his locker and blew out a breath.

“What the hell did you do to him?” said a voice above him.

He opened his eyes to see Zack standing in front of him. He had no idea the usually quiet bassist was capable of getting so angry. He felt his heart clinch as guilt shot through his body.

“D-did he say something to you?” Alex said.

“No. That’s just it. He hasn’t said a word to me or Rian since practice the day before yesterday. He just looks sad all the time and shrugs if we ask him what’s wrong. He was all excited about hanging out with you and now… so I ask you again, what the hell did you do?”

“I-is Jack gay?”

“What? Why would you ask that?”

“I-I have to go. I’m sorry,” He turned and ran toward the field that sat behind the cafeteria.

Running is something I’ve perfected. I hate myself. What if Jack isn’t out? Is he even gay? Am I gay? Fuck.

He felt tears pricking his eyes again and touched his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Usually that was an effective strategy when he felt he needed to get a hold of himself. He reached his favorite hiding spot, a bench that was hidden behind a group of large trees, and collapsed on the ground. He rested his back against the bench.

He noticed he didn’t have much of an appetite again, but he knew he needed to eat something. It had been too long. He knew he had a granola bar in his bag from lunch a few days ago, he figured that would do. As he tore off the wrapper and bit into the granola bar, he took a moment to appreciate the solitude and quiet that his hiding space provided him. He’d needed this reset. He knew he needed to push all of this Jack and Zack stuff out of his mind if he had any hope of focusing on school the rest of the day.

The shrill sound of the last bell of the day rang in Alex’s ears and with it, all the emotions he’d been blocking out since lunch came flooding back. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and got up from his desk. He walked through the hall towards the front of the school, his eyes on the ground, when he spotted a pair of familiar sneakers. He scanned the person and realized it was Rian bent over a history textbook. He started to walk over to him, but stopped. He probably hates me but he’s also the only one I can ask about how to get Jack to forgive me or talk to me again. Also Zack is scary when he’s angry. he thought.

“No practice today?” he said. He hated the tremble in his voice as he spoke.

Rian looked up, saw it was Alex, and an annoyed expression flashed across his face.

“What do you want, Alex?”

Alex sat down next to him and said, “I-I know you probably hate me but I- you’re the only one I can talk to about this. I know I really screwed up. Knew it as soon as I did it but I didn’t set out to hurt him… I just freaked out and I tried to apologize but –-“

“Your point?”

“Jack said he needed space or whatever but I hate that I did this to him ‘cause I freaked out on him at the wrong time. I understand why he can’t even look at me right now, but I just wanted to ask if you knew if there was anything that would show I was thinking about him and I really am sorry and I wish I could take it back?”

Rian chuckled to himself, the last reaction Alex expected.

“Man, what the hell did you do?”

“Jack really didn’t tell you anything?”

“He’s kinda kept to himself since he got here. Sure, we’ve been playing together for the past few months, but he’s not exactly an open book a lot of the time. What I can tell you is he’s obsessed with Home Alone, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and Sour Patch Kids. He never shuts up about those two movies, so anything related to those he’d go nuts for,”

“Thanks, man,”

He felt a smile creep onto his face as he brainstormed ideas.