Never Let Me Go

Instead of going home and doing his homework, Alex used part of his dinner money to head over to the mall. There had to be something “Home Alone” or “Nightmare Before Christmas” related at Hot Topic or FYE.

He came out three hours later with a special edition Home Alone DVD that had a script included with it, a Nightmare Before Christmas keychain and a party size bag of Sour Patch Kids. I still need a basket or a box to put all this in… it needs to look nice. he thought. He still wanted to respect Jack’s wishes for space, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t try to apologize better in the mean time. He tore a piece of notebook paper out of one of the notebooks he had in his book bag and started scribbling a note to Jack against the wall of the candy store he’d gotten the Sour Patch Kids at:

‘I know you said you needed space and this is me trying to respect that while also saying I’m really sorry that I’m an idiot who makes split second decisions without thinking of the consequences. I know it’s only been like three days and I know I said I’d understand if you never talked to me again, but the only things I’ve been able to think about during those three days are your laugh, your stupid smile, playing music with you, and God help me, how amazing kissing you felt.

I don’t know if you’re out or even gay, but the other thing I’ve been thinking about non-stop is how I could possibly make any of this up to you. Rian said these were some of your favorite things (don’t worry if he doesn’t know anything, I didn’t tell him). I hope you like them and will maybe possibly consider talking to me again?

-Alex.’

He headed back into the candy store to see if they had a box they could give him. He’d get to school early tomorrow and sneak it into the practice room.

#

He couldn’t sit still waiting for the final bell of the day to ring. His mind raced with the possible scenarios in which Jack would react to his “I’m sorry” gift. One of them, of course, involved the worst-case scenario, because his brain hated him: Jack opening the gift and ignoring its existence. The other one, the best case, which he was desperately trying not to get his hopes up for: that Jack would open the box, smile, and be inspired to call him and fall madly in love with him. At that last thought, he caught himself. Wait what? I need to get a hold of myself. The bell signaling the end of the day startled him out of his thoughts and he jumped. He came back down to reality, reached down for his book bag and started his walk home.

Later that night, he was in the middle of doing his Algebra homework when his phone rang.

“Hello?” he said into the speaker.

“Hey…”

Alex’s heartbeat sped up as he realized it was Jack calling.

“I got the thing you left me…”

“Okay…?”

“And I mean I liked everything and all and I know I said I was okay with waiting while you figure your shit out, and I guess I still am, but we have to have a serious talk first.”

“O-okay.”

“I don’t think I have to tell you how much it hurt when you did what you did… I went through it with the last guy I dated and I’m not about to do it again.”

“Okay.”

“Stop saying okay, Alex.” Jack said, a chuckle escaping from his mouth.

“Okay... whoops, sorry.”

“Um, can we meet at the coffee shop by school after last period tomorrow?”

“Sure,”

“Good. See you then, I guess.”

“See you tomorrow.”

#

Alex sipped on his mocha cappuccino, feeling the foam give him a mustache. He glanced at the door, hoping and waiting to see that familiar streak of blond and black come through it.

He had finished half of his cappuccino by the time Jack walked through the door. He felt a sigh of relief rush through his body as he realized he wasn’t being stood up. He shot a nervous smile in Jack’s direction but didn’t get one back. Jack dropped his bags in the chair across from Alex and went to stand in line to order his own coffee.

Alex took a moment to admire the boy he’d come to feel so affectionate toward. He looks damn fine in those black jeans… and that ever-present Blink-182 jacket clung to his arms in all the right places. He looks good. he thought. Jack finally sat in front of him a few minutes later, steam wafting in front of his face.

“So… what’d you want to talk about?” Alex said, looking down into his half-empty coffee cup instead of at Jack.

Jack cupped his hands around his paper coffee cup, as if he was cold.

“I---um, I’m not really sure. I guess I’ll just jump right into it? To answer the question in the note, I’m out to family and some friends, but since I’m new here, I was kinda waiting til I felt more comfortable. That’s why Rian and Zack don’t know. I’m bi, by the way. And I dated a guy who was in the closet... I was fine with it until we got serious. He’d freak out if I so much as tried to hold his hand in public… we came to an agreement that we’d just have no PDA, but even in private he started pulling away and eventually it got to a point where he’d just act like he didn’t know me in the hallways. And then, after school, he’d expect us to act like a regular couple. He, um, he broke my heart… and I’m just really not interested in repeating that experience.” He said, his brown eyes now the ones buried in his coffee.

Alex placed his hand over Jack’s, causing the other boy to look up.

“And you thought when I freaked out that I was gonna be the same way? Again, I’m really sorry. I don’t even know why I did that. I just get really overwhelmed sometimes and I was afraid that that guy was going to go all over school saying I was gay and that freaked me out since I don’t even know what I am right now and I thought more stuff like that would happen, but worse. And then you asked me to take your hand and I felt like I had to decide right there if I was gay or not and… I- when I get overwhelmed like that, I just freeze and my brain goes into what I like to call ‘panic mode’ and I can’t make decisions for the life of me, so I usually decide not to make them. I think that’s why I ran away… and I knew I messed up the minute I did it, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I’m not trying to say that’s an excuse, but by then, I’d already hurt you and I just---I--- ugh.” Alex said, his hand moving to his hair, pulling at it as he rested his head on his other arm.

He felt Jack’s warm hand on his elbow but still couldn’t bring himself to look up. Jack then moved his hand to the hand Alex was using to pull at his hair.

“Stop.” He said gently. Alex felt him push his hand against his in an attempt to make him stop but he still resisted.

“I forgive you, Alex. Just… let me know the next time you feel like that and I’ll do my best to help you get through it, okay?”

Alex let go of the clump of hair he was holding and relaxed his hand against Jack’s. He felt Jack thread his long, callused fingers through his and bring them back down to the table. Jack brought their hands up to his lips and kissed them. As he did, Alex swore he saw a flash of thick pink on Jack’s wrist. He swallowed. Does he…? He thought.
He unclasped their hands and ran his fingers over Jack’s wrist, feeling the thick, healed over skin for a second before Jack pulled his hands away, stuffing them inside his jacket.

“Did you…? Do you..?” Alex said, feeling as if something was lodged in his throat all of a sudden. He felt tears pricking his eyes and bit his lip, hoping he’d be able to blink them away before they fell.

“Shit. You weren’t supposed to see those… that’s why I wear this jacket all the time,” he said, looking first at Alex, panic in his eyes, and then down at his lap, where his covered hands were.

“Oh God…” Jack said under his breath.

“Jack… it’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay, but do you still do it? And why did you ever start?”

That was the thing that broke Jack. Alex heard him sniffle and when he looked up again, his face was flushed with the effort from trying not to cry and his eyes had already started to fill.

“Can I come around and give you a hug?” Alex said.

Jack could only nod in response.

Once he was in Alex’s arms, his guard fell and he cried into his shoulder.

“Do you want to grab our coffees and go to that park across the street? Have a little more privacy?”

He felt Jack shake his head. Alex held him a little tighter and made shushing noises, hoping he was comforting his new friend.

Five minutes passed before he was able to turn his head and rest it on Alex’s chest. They were now sitting on the coffee shop floor with Alex ignoring the strange looks the other customers were giving them and Jack being oblivious to anything but how good it felt for Alex to hold him.

“I don’t still do it… I started after my ex and I broke up last year. I wanted to feel something else. I wanted to be able to control something ‘cause I felt like nothing was going right and it was stupid and one day my mom found me and that’s how I ended up diagnosed with major depression. It’s why I kind of get what you’re describing when you “freak out” and it’s just every time I see them now, I’m ashamed and reminded of that time and you were just so nice about it and oh God, I didn’t mean for this conversation to get so serious so quickly… you probably think I’m some kind of freak over-sharer or something and I’m sorry.”

Alex lifted Jack’s face up to his and said, “I may not know you very well, but I could never think you’re a freak. A little strange, but I like strange. I’ve loved getting to know you and I’d like to keep getting to know you, if you’ll let me.”

He felt Jack’s lips on his then, a desperate, needy kiss. He kissed him back, giving him the reassurance he needed.

They were both breathing hard when they broke apart. Jack was the first one to speak.

“I’m sorry I just came at you like that, sometimes words and me and it just---“

Alex interrupted him by kissing him again. Their tongues tangled and played with each other, causing Jack to pull him closer. He felt a moan rising in his throat at the touch, but remembered they were in public and did his best to let it slip quietly. The effect this boy has on me… ugh. I don’t know what it is about him that drives me so crazy, but I intend on finding out. Alex thought.

When they broke apart again, he looked at Jack with a smirk on his face: “Stop apologizing so much. If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t have kissed you back in the first place.”

“You’re amazing.” Jack said, leaning his forehead on Alex’s. He kissed him again, a brief, sweet kiss.

“I know.” Alex said, laughing. Jack smacked him in the arm for that one, laughing as well.

“So what do we do now?” he said.

“I have a few ideas.” Alex said, winking.

“Oh, really?” he said as Alex leaned in close to him.

“Uh-huh.” He said. His and Jack’s lips connected again and they stayed like that until they were a mess of connected limbs who needed to come up for air.

“Wow. Just… wow. You’re an amazing kisser.” Jack said.

Alex slid his hand into Jack’s and whispered, “thank you.” This time it was Alex who brought their hands up to his lips and kissed the top of them. He moved his lips down to the scars on Jack’s wrist and kissed them too.

“Same goes for you too… let me know if you ever feel like that again.”

“Thanks… should we get out of here? I have some DVDs we can watch.”

“Or not watch, right?” Alex said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Jack smacked him on the arm again.

“If you’re lucky, mister.” He said, planting a kiss on Alex’s neck.

The two of them got up, collected their half-drunk, cold coffees, threw them out, and walked toward the door, hand in hand.