Suffocate

“Elle...” It wasn’t what I had expected but I was far too relieved not to have been banished from his room.

I deserved as much.

He was right, if he asked the same of me, if I was the stronger one or not I would never agree. I’d never stand back and let him get hurt if I could help it, regardless of what he would say. But then I had never been the stronger one, and I never would be.

He carried the weight well.

“You understand that there is no way I’m agreeing to any of that.” I nodded although he didn’t see, his face had sunken into his hands but it sprung up suddenly. I grasped for words again, the words I’s spoken left a sting in the tip of my tongue. “I don’t you want to get hurt.”

“I won’t.” He answered instantly, eyes intense as he shifted to face me, “Hopefully.” The smirk flickered and burnt out, “We’ll be okay.” He stared until I nodded, not believing a word. “I promise.”

“You can’t promise that.” I argued, although I leant further towards him, brushing my hair back. “I...I just need to know that someone will be there for Thom and the girls.” It was the best I could do without giving more away, “And...And..I...I’m.” I cleared my throat, I was thirsty, “I’m not as important as the alliance at the end of the day, I know that.” I cut him off, “And so do you.”

He didn’t deny is instantly, running his tongue over his lower lip, his fingers tangling in hair caught by my face. “But I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll talk to Peeta properly today and I won’t freak out.” For once I managed the smile before him, catching his hand in mine. It felt so much warmer and I pushed it down, letting my fingers wrap tightly around two of his as they met close to my knee.

“You can’t ask me to do this.”

“I know.” I admitted easily, his other hand moving, drawing patterns on my thigh. “It’s not fair but... it’s important.”

“If I asked you the same what would you say?” His words were stilted, and the patterns stopped.

“I...”I croaked, he knew my answer, the question was meaningless, just another way to try and make me see. I did see, as far as I could. I understood as much as I wanted too. But it didn’t change much, the voice in my head was screaming, it was all so wrong. Every last thing.

But even without being aware of the plot I’d planned to enter in Mags place.

I think that had been the last time I’d felt courage that overwhelmed the dread.

“You know I couldn’t and..I...I’ll do my best to make sure nothing hurts you.”

“You’re such a hypocrite.” He didn’t sound angry and the insult didn’t hurt.

It was completely and utterly true.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

The patterns started forming again.

“Well, I am.” He ignored me, “I’m thirsty.” I added childishly. I didn’t want the tension, I just wanted him to say yes, to agree to this ridiculous demand that could easily end in my death.
Likely it would.

But, I’d known for too long that I cared about Finnick Odair more than anyone else in the world.
And if it kept him safe, so be it.

It was easy enough to think, but my body didn’t react well, that shiver returning, my lungs growing a little tight. I stood to ease it, plodding and getting myself some water. He hadn’t moved an inch when I got back, standing close to the bed. The silence wasn’t a good sign, it meant he was thinking deeply, that process of intense over-thinking was really one of the only times every aspect of his charming persona dropped and he just looked like my friend.

My... friend, that was it, that had to be it for this to work better.

“Naloh will be up soon...” I pressed carefully.

“I don’t care about Naloh.” He snapped and I swallowed hard, I deserved his anger, I knew that. His hands were two fists under his chin and I sat back down, ready for him to explode, to tell me just how selfish I was being, how unfair. “I care about you.” My body was tensed, waiting for the shout but there wasn’t one. “More than anybody else.”

I swallowed hard, and my mouth felt dry again, “I...”

“No, and I’m not agreeing to anything you just said, just so you know.” He lifted up his head, pushing himself around so we were face to face, I opened my mouth lamely again but instead of speaking I inhaled sharply as his lips pressed against mine. It was just for an instant, but my whole body wanted more, to cup his face, to feel him.

Instead he leant back, the water sloshing slightly onto my legs and the cover.

“Sorry,” I stumbled, feeling my face grow hot as I dabbed at it pointlessly. “B..but we said we couldn’t here and maybe we shouldn’t because...”

“Because you think it will help when we’re in there for me to let you die?” His voice was sarcastic, bitter, the smile across his face was much the same. I struggled for words again. “If you ignored me from now to then it wouldn’t make a single bit of a difference, you know that?”

“Finnick...” I attempted weakly, why did he have to make everything more difficult than it already was, “I’m doing this for y-....”

“For me?” He shook his head, biting his lower lip, “It’s not what I want.”

“What do you want?”

His eyes held mine again, “You know that I want, I want it all to work out.”

“I don’t think it will...not exactly, not in the arena.” I let my eyes drop to my crossed legs, my left foot was growing numb from the weight on it. “I promised.” He argued, “And you know I don’t break those. No bullshit anymore okay? We go in as a team and we...”

He couldn’t say the end of this sentence but what he meant was clear and the tightness of my chest loosened a little, offering him the smile he wanted before another bumbled excuse, to go to my room and get ready.

"We go in as a team and we leave as a team."

He stood as I did, the now room temperature water placed down after one last gulp. He kissed me again and I let him, I did more than that. I responded, I wanted nothing more than to sink back down with him, to stay there.

Now he’d told me it made no difference how I acted towards him over the next few days.

But we couldn’t. I could say time and time again I was okay but I had to look it, act it for the next two days at least. My grasp on him fell and I stood back down on flat feet, my breathing a little heavy and my heart racing.

For once in the last few days it wasn’t from fear, just him.

But I knew that wouldn’t last as long as I wanted.


Smile, look confident, act like you don’t care.

Act like you don’t care, that you don’t have four days left until you’ll be in the arena fighting for your life.

The smile slipped and I stuck it back on firmly, the corners of my mouth were to stay almost permanently risen. Again not that many people were here by the time we started, although as the day before people instantly rushed to stations. All except me and one other.

“I’m sorry about yesterday, I should have thought before I...”

“Oh no.” Keep the smile up, don’t let Luka slip back into reality, “It wasn’t your fault...I was...having a bad day.” He nodded slowly, as always his eyes darting past me quickly to search Katniss out, talking again with Beetee and Wiress. “But, today’s better, so you want to do fishing or knots first?” He hid the shock well, offering me a long grin I tried hard to return earnestly, “Nobodies on the fishing hooks?”

“No problem.” I all but sang, stepping around him lightly.

Smile, look confident, act like you don’t care.

If I did that long enough at some point it had to really take effect surely?

The stuff to make a decent hook was already there, and my fingers moved without any thought, you started making them as children, an afternoon each week at first, before the eventual two days out to assist in work.

“No, wait, spin that bit there, it will hold better, otherwise you risk it just coming loose and you’ll lose the fish.” I instructed, and he did as I said, fiddling with the wire to show him the correct way.

“Oh, thanks.” He said lowly, the tip of his tongue poking through his lips with concentration, “Do you even fish much?” I lifted a brow, it was odd, he was just really easy to talk too.

Maybe the fact I knew I wasn’t going to have to try and kill him helped with that.

But then, when it really came down to it, he was as disposable as I was, as even Finnick so entwined with this upcoming rebellion was.

“You mean did I fish much?” He nodded, and I pouted, “Not really, my dad worked on a ship and my mom used to do something in this lab when she worked. I think keeping a track of the species number, location and things.” He nodded, “I always found fishing boring.”

“I’ve never done it, there were a few streams going through Twelve but there was never anything good.”

“Well, your family owns a bakery right? That’s far better than fish any day believe me.”

“I always preferred doing the cakes, decorating them and stuff.”

I smiled, “That’s cool, I never do desert much. Mags makes really nice cupcakes though.”

He returned it, “She’ll have to give me her recipe...unless it’s secret.” I giggled foolishly, it taking a few seconds for the ridiculousness of his statement to sink in fully, sending that shiver through me.
He fell silent as well and the smile dropped a little before he cleared his throat and it returned, “I think I’ve got about as much out of this as I’m gunna.”

I nodded, glad he’d spoken first, if it was up to me we would have spent far longer in a painful silence now that reality had bit back forcefully. “Well, they normally don’t have too much water in there so it’s probably not overly important.”

“Let’s hope not. I can barely even swim.” That sounded so odd to me I wasn’t surprised this time by his chuckle at my face, “I don’t know anyone that can’t swim.” I mused, thinking hard, glad again of his distraction.

“Like I said,” he shrugged, “Only streams inside the District.”

“Inside.” I smirked, not having to add anything before he hastily changed the subject with a glance around.

“How do you know where Four ends?” His voice was loud as he rushed to cover up his mistake, “Doesn’t it go pretty far out? We didn’t really get to see anything on our Victory Tour.” I felt my lips purse instantly.

“There’s boundaries about thirty miles offshore.” I said carefully, worried about where he was going, “Any further and they reckon it’s dangerous. Uncharted territory, you know?” he held my gaze for a moment before making a simple sound of agreement. “And it was a shame you didn’t get to see more. Everyone was really excited to see you both, big fans.”

My fingers missed a vital knot and the wire slipped, dangling from the curved twig I was working with, “Especially some...you get that anywhere else?”

“A few places.” I glanced up, meeting Plutarch Heavensbee’s eyes and just as quickly avoiding them.

“Well, it’s a shame you didn’t get to see the ocean, you go to the right place and there’s dolphins at some points, the pods of them.” I checked up to see the bulk of the man twist away and I felt Peeta’s foot nudge mine. We should have been more careful, although luckily I didn’t think they were paying too much attention, as usual eating and drinking heavily.

“What did you want me to show you in return?” Peeta blurted, standing straight.

“Not sure.” I pretended to think, I knew it had to be survival, on the weapons we wouldn’t speak as much and that was what I needed. I knew there was no way Katniss would want me as an allie, my way in was Peeta. Without really thinking I sought out and found Finnick, his body in flashes as he moved around one of the boxes, knives strapped to him.

He’d agreed to work on Katniss, which clearly wasn’t happening.

“How about camouflage?” I was letting myself get caught up, “I saw some of your work on that program Ceaser did, you’re really talented.”

He looked genuinely pleased to hear that and I was glad, feeling my face flush a little. “I used to be in drawing and stuff at school, but then, afterwards...” I didn’t have to explain the event, after always referred to after someone’s games, that life changing horror, “I didn’t feel like it so much.”

“Well,” he exhaled slowly, “Let’s see, maybe I’ll find an excuse to paint myself like a rock again.”

The fact he could joke about it, and it had been just under a year was incredible, however put on it was. Hardly anybody I knew mentioned it at all, apart from the odd dark comment. They just dreamt about it and did whatever they could to force it away.

We spent perhaps another hour there, not ending long before lunch was announced. In the oddest way, I had almost enjoyed the time. Reciting the few tips I had given myself ever so often helped just as much as my talk with Finnick had earlier that morning.

He wandered back over to Katniss and I did the same to Finnick, fiddling around with the corner of a hammock. He was obviously waiting for me, the knot he could probably do in his sleep. “How are you doing?” He asked quietly.

“Better.” I said honestly, and I meant it. Stopping myself from sinking had been working so far and I felt better than I had in a couple of days, “You?”

“She’s a hard one to talk too.”

“Yeah, I get that impression.” He stood aside, letting me grab the other end of the material, folding it up underneath. I was surprised that what I had learnt years ago seemed to spring back up in small chunks as we sorted it, tying it to the available poles. “You want to get in and test it?”

“Nope.” I popped, the announcement for lunch ringing out loudly. Shrinking away as his hands reached for me and I let out a giggle which sounded far more like Cashmere than myself.

Chaff walked past, catching my eye as he cleared his throat with a smirk.

I felt myself stiffen, unable to stop myself sink down just a little bit under until his hand grabbed mine, it was only for a split second as he moved to untie the knot but it was enough and I took a shallow breath.

That was the exact opposite of what we were meant to be doing, no clue of anything more than friendship between us, no clue of why we were so desperate for an alliance. No clue of the plot to tear down the Capitol and Snow.

Smile, look confident, act like you don’t care. I took a few measured breaths.

“So, what are you planning on doing after lunch?” he picked up as if the moment had never occurred.

“Something,” I looked around, Enobaria sparring with the trainer, wooden sword in her hands and her teeth glinting as she saw me. “I’m going on the swords.” I said instantly. He nodded.

“Don’t aggravate her more than necessary.” His voice dropping, sound serious again.

“I’m not.” I argued instantly, regretting the flash of a frown that it earned although the chime of the bell and the loud announcement repeating stopped me from saying more.

“Let’s just get some food.”


“So, Eleven are interested in allying.” Naloh ticked off, a piece of paper that probably cost more than a house in a poor District in his hand, “Johanna apparently mentioned something but Felix is just about as useful as a bag of...” He caught himself, “No word from Twelve.”

Apparently he had taken over from Mags but I could see the irritation on her face as she spoke, the crinkles on either side of her eyes deepening as he spoke.

“Haymitch says they’re still thinking about it.” Naloh concluded, “That’s it. Cashmere and Gloss expressed interest in Finnick.” I didn’t expect the way a nerve jumped in my neck and I felt a little hurt.

Idiot.

Finnick scoffed under his breath, and I curled my legs up further, tugging down the loose ends of my trousers so my feet were covered. “You didn’t give us any names to approach.” He continued, although everyone else was clearly nowhere near as involved in the conversation as him.

“We told Mags.” I said stiffly, although we hadn’t said a word. Well, I hadn’t, Finnick could have said anything privately but I was glad of his negative reaction towards Cashmere and Gloss.

That was a nice new stab at my confidence I was going to have to shove down with my new mantra.

I couldn’t manage a smile, not with my damp hair sticking to my upper back and Naloh droning on.

Finnick took over, muttering some bullshit about how we wanted to discuss it more privately and approach it that way, Naloh frowned but brought it, Mags aiming a wink in his direction.

I smiled, waiting until Naloh was done and wandered off, apparently Luine and Marck would be joining us tonight so that meant he had to spend even longer planning some stupid four course meal.

“Is he more unbearable than ever this year or is it just me?”

“I’m not even hungry.” I yawned, far from that I’d had the most difficult physical afternoon I had in a long time. Not that clearly it made any difference in how people viewed me.

I’d tried the swords, the gauntlet, knives with a still smug Gloss and the slingshot again, and much more successfully with Johanna.

Once she was done barking at me under her breath that was, furious I had told Finnick everything and they had clearly had a small argument by the way she had been glaring at him beforehand.

I felt better, I’d spoken to Peeta a lot and all he had to do was like me.

That sounded easier than it probably was. I wasn’t in the habit of being very likable.

“Dinner at nine!” Naloh chimed, vanishing out of the apartment again. It was barely past five.

“Have a nap.” Mags suggested, looking tired herself. I imagined she was, the whole role of being a mentor, one who actually acted like it, was to run around all day talking to idiots to try and gather sponsors. Both of those things were difficult for her now. “I might have a bath, I’m really stiff.”

“Same actually.” I nodded at him, standing myself, Mags muttering to him as he leant down beside her and trailed after me. He walked me to my door, “And by bath you meant...” I smirked, I didn’t want to think about today, tomorrow. I opened the door and stepped in, pulling my hair down and tugging my fingers through it.

He closed the door behind him.