Suffocate

We hadn’t set the window to dim. I woke up groggily, the bright light glaring onto my face. I attempted to roll away from it, my body was sore and I was still exhausted. There was a grumble as I rolled directly into Finnick. “Sorry.” I whispered, although his arm had already curled over my chest.

“Finnick.” I tried to release myself.

“Are you going?” His voice was still just a mumble.

“I’m going to do the window and use the bathroom. Kay?” His arm loosened instantly, and I slid away, he was still pretty much asleep, other arm at an odd angle above his head.

“Good. I don’t want you to go.” I could feel my mouth stretching and clambered out, the air suddenly cool only reminded me how naked I was.

I glanced around for my nightdress but decided something so uncomfortable wasn’t what I wanted. I spotted his shirt from the day before and slid it on, going to control on the wall and turning up the heating, another couple of presses of one button made that black glaze appear and the room was flooded into a darkness it took my eyes a few moments to adjust to. Finnick stirred a little and rolled over, again I smiled.

He loved me.

I’d wanted someone to love me for so long. And this was Finnick, he was the best person I had ever met in every way. I would never have realised without the games being that incentive to pull myself out of the hole I’d dug.

For a second that almost made it seem worth it.

But then I’d never loved anybody before. Not in this way, Thom, Luka, Mags and my father were the only other people I could claim such a strong but so different connection. My mother didn’t make the list anymore. I’d realised that a couple of years ago.

I never thought I’d realise I was in love with Finnick Odair. It was an insane statement but so true.

I’d been fighting back butterflies since he had said it, and I didn’t see them leaving me. I was spacing out and quickly went to the bathroom, using the toilet, brushing my teeth finally and taking time to try and sort my hair out a little bit. It made little difference, it was still like a mane so I left it.

I didn’t know how early Luine would be here to tear me away from him. That sounded pathetic, but before coming here it was true. That couple of weeks he had been away over winter were physically painful. I was too used to his presence, his voice.

He stretched and I took the opportunity to admire the muscles moving under his tanned skin. I would have made fun of anyone else in my position but instead I lay back down properly, pulling the sheet up a little further and edging towards him as he curled up on his side, his arm easily placed me in the same position, his chest to my back. “We don’t have to get up today do we?”

“I have to see Luine later remember?” He groaned a little, “And we can’t ditch Mags all day with her or Naloh. She’ll hurt us.” The groan was a chuckle, deep and throaty that made the hairs on my neck stand tall.

“That’s true.” He didn’t make any effort to move so I stayed in the same position, feeling myself getting closer to sleep, especially when his hand moved around and interlocked with my own, thumb rubbing against mine.

“What do you think the arena will be like?” I stirred.

“I don’t want to think about the arena today Finn.” I complained, rolling onto my front so I could lean on my arms and see him properly, “It’s all I think about most days and we pretty much have one away from it and I really want to enjoy that.” He smiled a little nodding at me.

“I was just trying to work out strategy.”

“Don’t die.” I said simply, “That sounds like a good one.” The smile became a smirk and he rolled his eyes, yawning as he twisted his body. Even with mine closed I could feel his gaze on me. “Stop looking at me. I look like shit.”

“Only a bit.” He caught arm flung loosely his way, yanking on it, far stronger than me and able to flip me onto my back so he could lean over me. “But I think its worth talking about.”

“What is?” I tried to pull my arm back but his grip was firm around my wrist, grazing his lips against my knuckles in a way that practically made me quiver.

“The arena.” The feeling dropped and I freed my hand.

I couldn’t have this conversation, this was the off day and...and I couldn’t let him know yet, it was too early.

“I don’t...”

“I know, but...we need to.” I sighed, aware of his warm thigh against my own. “I’m not one hundred percent what Johanna is doing.”

“We’re not one hundred percent that anyone is doing.” I suggested, guilt stabbing right in my chest. He nodded, he wasn’t searching for an ulterior motive.

Because he trusted me and I was snapping that trust right in half. Every word, every little suggestion depending on terrain was just pushing that knife further in. I couldn’t have him talk about it.

I was think I was more scared of leaving him, throwing back five years of guidance and help in his face than the actual terrors of the arena now. He was leaning almost fully over me, easily propping up himself on his elbows, the muscles in his arms bulging slightly.

I let my fingers trace over them, his words washing over me in a similar way. “It’s always a circle.” I said simply, “I’ve never known then change the force field to make it any other shape.”

“Yeah,” He looked a little exasperated that was all I had to offer, “And the cornucopia is always the center, which the Career pack always sticks at...and I don’t think there’s a way around that.”

I nodded, still more interested in his arm. Distracting myself so I couldn’t blurt out what I wanted to.

“Do you think they might ally outside that?”

“I don’t know Finnick.” I breathed tiredly, “Maybe, Cashmere and Gloss asked about you but other than Twelve...”

“Which is unlikely.” He bit his lip in that painfully delightful way and I’d had enough of the tipping balance of the conversation, the words were hovering on my tongue. I dropped my arm just enough for me to shove myself up, lips cutting him off mid sentence.

A tiny speck of me felt bad that I’d just wanted to shut him up but that was quickly overshadowed by him, he didn’t even question it, he just shifted down to his elbows so I could kiss him more easily. He only moved away when I arched my back, tugging the overlarge shirt off before we were attached again, his lips breaking from mine and kissing tantalisingly softly down over my jaw and neck.

I sighed, the breath hitching in my throat, rendering me silent until his reached my breasts where all I could say was his name.


“Okay, well first of all, sitting properly.”

“Sitting properly?”

She nodded firmly, “I’m still making tiny last minute adjustments to the dress, but this skirt is similar, so put this on and the heels...they’re the actual heels.” She pressed them into my hands, looking so excited I felt the need to tell her just how beautiful they were.

And high, and more than likely painful. But I kept that last bit in my head, in-between my legs was a little achy but I finding it hard to drop the smile. She was going to pick up on it, I wasn’t exactly renowned for looking particularly happy or present.

And now I was both, although I would far rather be curled up, in a mix of ecstasy and sleep with him than being told how to sit appropriately. I slid into his room rather than my own, the shower thundering and echoing. My own hair was still a little damp, I hadn’t bothered drying it properly, although I had seen the flicker of a frown as she saw how little effort I had made.

It really wasn’t like anybody cared.

I slid off the loose trousers and replaced it with the long skirt, tight over my thighs but flowing just above my knees, the fabric was quite weighty and a simple black. I sat on the bed, happy when the heavy downfall of the shower stopped and I only had one heel on.

It gave me a little more time to complain to him.

He stepped out, obviously unaware I was there, one towel haphazardly around his waist whilst he ran the smaller over his face and hair.

I felt creepy just staring at him until he noticed me but I felt like I couldn’t physically look at anything else whilst he was like that in front of me. He noticed, smirking but adjusting his towel higher up himself. The way he covered himself a little made me feel weird.

He’d spent the last twelve hours naked around me, but then there was the sheets, and the situation was so different. But here, I was doing little less than leering at him like half of the Capitol did. I kept my eyes firmly on my shoes, doing up the straps and standing a little awkwardly. I was used to her shoving me in heels but there were higher than any pair I think she’d made me before.

“You’re tall with them.” He commented, standing in front of me, he was right with an easily five inch addition I was probably about three shorter than him which was odd in itself when I realised how much more level our faces were. “It’s weird.”

“I’m not short normally.” I argued playfully, “I’m what, five six?”

“Well, I’m six foot two so yeah, that about makes sense.” He pulled a face and I rolled my eyes, “ So what’s she making you do?”

“Learning how to sit and walk properly in the outfit she’s made me which is apparently like this so...”

“Does that include the t-shirt and wet hair?” I smirked, trying to go around him but being caught, a light kissed pressed on my lips and another on my forehead. For whatever reason the second felt so much more intimate.

“Do something useful.” I scolded, “Or come and save me.” He pretended to think about it before shaking his head and letting me leave. I still felt a bit bad about I’d done it earlier, basically tricked him with sex to stop him thinking about something that he thought was helpful.

It seemed like all I had done over the last few days was look at him, that was unfair and I hoped he hadn’t noticed. You would think after five years I’d be used to how beautiful he was. But this was in a whole new light, it wasn’t dependency as it had been, that girlish crush that flitted in and out of my life.

This was everything, I felt like everything was better when he was around, not that everything was perfect, far from it. But I didn’t stutter, I didn’t struggle to try and get my words across in the same way. I almost felt like I wasn’t totally crazy.

I wasn’t quite sure what he got in return from it all. But he loved me, he’d said it, more than once.

That was what mattered.

“Sorry.” I breathed, although she stopped me before I could sit. She’d set up two armchairs in the space in the room. “Okay, I’m Caesar, that couch is the audience, walk over, happily and sit down.”
I did as she said, taking each note on-board. Swing my hips more, a wider smile, more interested, more present.

“It’s a lot better than the last few times though.” She said soothingly, once she’d finally let me sit, standing to press me into a better position and straighten my back.

Confident and attractive are key needs she claimed.

“There, better.” She said, smiling, crossing her own legs. “Do you know what you want to say?” I shrugged and she pouted. “Well, at least you’ll be able to talk this time.” She saw her joke fall a little flat and apologised, “Honestly though, I’m so proud of how much better you’ve become over the last year with everything.” She found my hand and I let her clasp it, the words hard to digest.

I knew Luine was harmless, but I never thought she really cared and I felt embarrassed that tears hit me again, blinking hard to keep them back. “T..thankyou.” She smiled a little, completely different to that usual Capitol style beam.

“And the interview will be fine. Smile, act confident, you got a good scrore, such a good score. One of the top.”

“Not the top.” She struggled for a moment.

“Top six of twenty four. That is phenomenal, and you act happy in the interview and you and Finnick are going to have plenty of sponsors...you’re planning on allying with Twelve, right?” She didn’t wait for me to give any sort of reaction, “So you are going to be in good hands, arena wise and outside.”

I let another smile slip, “We’ll see.” There was no way in hell she was expecting me to walk out of this.

“Is there anything you want me to do, before tomorrow?” She pouted for a moment.

“Nothing, stop chewing your nails actually,” She spun my hand over, “Blithe and the girls know what to do, hair up because I’m sick of you hiding behind it, alright?” I bit the inside of my cheek but agreed, a buzz making us both jump, my hand instantly ready to clench around some invisible weapon. “Are we expecting anyone?” She asked, standing, her own shoes sky high, “Maybe its Mags back from that luncheon, you want me too...?”

“No, I’ll get it.” I offered, “Maybe its Naloh.” Her nose crinkled and I laughed although that dropped suddenly when the figure pushed through the slowly opening door.

“Luine.” She greeted,barging past me, doing that odd double air kiss they liked here, “Is Finnick here? Naloh assured me he would be.” She looked me up and down quickly, “Hello darling.” I waved awkwardly back.

I knew exactly why she was here. And I also knew she’d fucked one of her first cousins after a long celebration at Presidents Snows house. I hated her, because of who she was and what she expected.

“Finnick is here isn’t he Elenia?” I nodded stiffly, I didn’t even try to speak, my throat was slicked with poison and it was hard not to let myself glare at her and her stupid bejewelled hair that was down to her hips, or her surgically widened eyes that made her look constantly surprised.

She blinked, waving a clawed hand, “Well, would someone be so kind to go and get him for me please.”

“W...why?” I staggered over the syllable, “He’s busy.”

“He won’t be too busy for me.” She giggled and I felt my jaw clench. “And certainly not on one of his last days.”

“If he expecting you?” I said the words lowly but inside I was screaming at her to leave. She had no fucking right to be here, to try and do this to him one last time before she no doubt thought he was going to die.

She didn’t get to do this the day after he told me he loved me.

Luine darted back looking uncomfortable, Finnick trailing behind her, his hair dry and a well fitting shirt on. He met my eyes for a moment but then turned to her, plastering on that fake persona.

“Arlissa honey.” I felt sick, especially when she giggled again, leant forward and planted an over dramatic kiss on his lips.

He had to send her away, surely. She muttered into his ear, hand trailing down his front. I couldn’t even look. I turned, fingers digging so hard they hurt into the top of the armchair as I dragged it loudly across the polished wooden floor.

Luine was looking at me sympathetically but I knew he wasn’t going to say no.

He wouldn’t and in all truth he couldn’t. She held too much influence over people, and people meant sponsors which meant the difference usually between life and death. I couldn’t say anything, all it would do would hurt us.

So I stood there and listened to her obnoxious comments, his not quite as bad but they were like someone was shoving pins into me.

“See you in a bit dears.” Luine pointedly looked at me so I turned and Arlissa had the audacity to wink. I barely saw her, eyes stuck firmly on his face. He mouthed something to me I assumed was an apology.

It wasn’t fair of me to be mad at him, it was the opposite.

He’d been forced into this messed up sort of prostitution for ten years, and as long as I’d known him I’d hated it. But this wasn’t his choice, it wasn’t anybodies choice. I just...we thought he’d be avoiding this, that they wouldn’t do it now, surely not when he was about to enter the arena. It had to break some sort of rule.

I don’t think they cared much for rules anymore, not since those berries flashed a blood red on every screen in Panem.

I didn’t know what to do, anger, at her, and so sickeningly unfairly at him that made me feel worse was pulsing through me. “Thanks for today, I’ll keep the shoes ready.” I bumbled, the words one long stream of nonsense before I rushed to my room, slamming the door so hard they were all bound to hear it.

I tore off the shoes, my heartbeat pounding in my ears as I felt my chest grow tight again.

No, I was doing so well, I couldn’t.

But it was too late and I’d already sunk to the ground, the thick fabric splayed around me.

Why couldn’t we have had just one day?

I pulled myself up, wiping under my eyes. It wasn’t his choice; he didn’t have one about it, not with her especially. A small dark voice was still urging he could have easily sent her away. The voice was growing louder and I stood, struggling to free myself from the material and kicking it away, pulling on long and no doubt unflattering shorts.

I didn’t know what to do, years before when he’d either left or someone had come for him it had been for a couple of hours. They got the whole charming package.

I growled, I wanted to storm in there, scream and rip her away from him. But that was just damaging, it had the opportunity to make everything so much harder.

She didn’t like me as it was.

As if somehow I had asked her sleazy husband to put his hands all over me. As if the fact I burst into tears I’d been holding back the whole time after he was done was a clear sign of that.

I couldn’t be here, the walls weren’t thick enough, no wall was and I heard her chuckle his name.

Enough, I couldn’t, I physically couldn’t be here. I didn’t bother with shoes, and I completely blanked Luine as I stormed to the lift, although I didn’t press any buttons.

I had no one to go to. The majority of the people here I had known, or at least been aware of for five years and none of them I counted as friends. That just irked me more, that I’d managed to get myself into that situation by letting my head get so messed up. I stared at the numbers, pressing the only one I thought I’d get any understanding from.

But I wasn’t expecting sympathy.


“What exactly is the plan with Three?” She lifted a brow, glaring at an avox until the poor guy moved out of the room. “That’s clearly not what you came to me to talk about.” Her hair was pushed behind her ears and she looked tired, a new dash of colour in her fringe.

“Well, it’s what I want to know.” I snapped, and she didn’t look at all fazed.

“Fine.” She twisted, “Hey, alcohol, now!”

“Don’t talk to them like that Johanna!” I bit harder, “They’re not animals.”

“Technically.” She widened her eyes comically, thrusting a glass when they arrived into my hands. “And whatever is making you so fucking delightful must be bad if you’ve come to me for comfort.”

“I haven’t come to you for comfort. I came to ask what the plan is.” She took a long sip of the drink, gesturing I do the same and I did with a scoff, wincing as it burnt down my throat, “Fuck.” I exclaimed, her stopping me from putting it down.

“Doesn’t do anything unless it’s strong. Now sit back and shut up so I can explain, alright princess?” I took another long draught, at least the pain in my throat was something to concentrate other than the vile woman three floors down with....

“Hey,” She snapped her fingers, “Don’t space out on me.” I blinked, an apology that normally would have escaped me was far from my lips and she looked a little confused. “Okay, we get them and get the hell away from the Cornucopia, it’s where the Careers will be. We stick far enough away for the day, probably the night. We need to see who’s dead to get a idea of who we’re going to look for and avoid. That’s about as much as I’ve got. Avoid the Careers and keep them alive until we find Finnick. Sound good?”

“It’s not much of a plan.” I argued weakly, my glass and her nearly empty.

“It’s as good of one as we’ve got. We just get away and stay away until we find them.” I nodded again, “Is he what you’re upset about?”

“What?”

“Finnick dummy. What did he do?” It was more what he was probably doing right now. I shrugged, chewing on my lip, “Fine, are you in there? Do we have an alliance?” She raised her voice to mock that Capitol twang and I nodded. “Yeah. We do.”

She called for another drink, and mine was refilled quickly, the smell of the alcohol was strong enough and I could feel it behind my eyes, my body a slight tingle. It didn’t do much to stem emotions the way people claimed it did. “What is this?”

“Doesn’t matter.” She crossed her legs like how a child sat, facing me, “So what did he do?” I flapped my mouth several times, trying to describe it to her.

The anger I felt as both of them, the guilt at ever feeling angry at him for this. “I..Arlissa Crane has paid us a visit.” Her eyebrows lifted.

“Now?”

“Right now.” I could barely even say it, needing another long sip of the honey colour liquid. “She’s with him.” She frowned deeply. “And I don’t know if I’m mad at him, because I shouldn’t be...should I?”

“He could have told her no.”

“No, he couldn’t have Johanna, you know that.” She leant back, draining her glass, “He just...” I had nothing else I thought I could say without my voice either cracking or the urge to break something overpowering me.

“If you’re that upset I’m sure there was someway...”

“There isn’t Johanna, and look, you just don’t get it!” The eyebrows vanished up behind her fringe.

“I don’t get it?” She spat, slamming the glass down so hard it smashed against the floorboards and I jumped back, half expecting her to leap onto me.

I’d seen her mad a lot but now she was furious, teeth bared. “I get it. I get what they want, you think Finnick and you are the only ones who had to fucking deal with it?!” I shrank back as she pushed her body forward.

“I...”

“Yeah, I...I...sure just fucking stutter yourself out of it! I know what happens when you say no, I know they aren’t empty threats so don’t you dare even suggest...” She sat back down, breathing heavily through flared nostrils. “I meant because the people he’s been trying to keep safe are here with him. There’s not much more they can threaten him with.”

“Johanna, I’m sorry I didn’t...”

“They killed every single one of them.” Tears were glinting in her eyes.

“I didn’t know.” It suddenly made perfect sense. I knew something had happened, but not on this scale, not because of this. “I’m...I’ll go...I...”

“If I were you I’d rip the bitches throat out.”