I Guess I'll Never Get To Call You Mine
DAVID
“Sorry,” I winced, as Aline helped me change my bandages again. The wound I acquired in my stomach turned out to be pretty deep, and the doctor prescribed a change of dressings three times a day. It’s a little humiliating when the person I’m supposed to be guarding is taking care of me instead. “It’s OK,” she said, washing her hands in the sink before coming over to sit by me. “What were you doing before I came anyway?”
I tried to hide the notebook I’ve been scribbling in underneath my pillow. “Um, nothing,” I mumbled. Too bad I wasn’t fast enough. Damn my tired muscles. “Are those…song lyrics?” She broke out into a wide grin. “Have you been songwriting all this time?” “Sort of, yeah, I guess,” I said, embarrassed. “Pierre and Chuck are the main writers of Simple Plan. Jeff, Seb and I contribute what we could, but…” I flicked my pencil nervously. “I’ve never seriously attempted to write before.” “But that’s great! It’s about time you took the initiative. Can I see what you’ve so far?” she beamed. Reluctantly, I let her peruse the pages of the well-worn book.
“The End by David Desrosiers,” she read aloud. “Nice title.” “Thanks.” “I’ve been trying to tell you something, but you never understand. I feel like we’ve been going ’round in circles. You look at me like I’ve become a stranger on the streets. I guess this is the part where you look at me and say good-bye.” She is silent for a while, reading the rest of the lyrics without betraying a hint of emotion. “Well, that was…pretty powerful.” I shrugged. “Dedicated to all the fake bitches I ever went out with. I know those airheads are only after my cash but I don’t want our relationships to end anyway. It’s sickening I know. I need to have a girl at my disposal at all times so I can throw her down the bed and get an easy f*ck out of her.” It doesn’t necessarily make me happy but I do it anyway. It’s the only way to get this terrible loneliness off my chest. The feeling of being wanted, of being needed, even for sexual reasons is powerful enough for me to succumb to temptation. My voice rose all of the sudden. “It’s a stupid, stupid life and I’m sick of it. Chuck was right. I always screw things up. This is a stupid song and I shouldn’t have shown it to you.”
Aline looked a little angry. “Will you stop wallowing in self-pity for once and admire your own talent? You’re gifted, David. You should show this to the others and have it recorded. You’re a lot better than you think.” I let out a harsh laugh. “Tell that to the other guys. They think I’m a joke.” “Then prove it to them, and to everyone else for that matter, that you’re not,” she said simply.
I threw my hands up in despair. “What do you want me to do? It’s not so easy. For the past five or six years I’ve been living a lie. Like you said, sometimes we can’t even distinguish between our stage images and our real selves. I don’t know who I am supposed to be anymore, Al.” Aline’s eyes grew soft. “I know,” she sighed. “But for the sake of everyone else, we have to keep holding on.”
She took out a pen and flipped to a fresh page. “Writing always clears the mind,” she said quietly. “Tell me, David. What do you feel right now?” We both wrote a song together that day. It wasn’t a genius masterpiece like Welcome To My Life or Perfect in our previous albums, but it told my story, and that’s all that matters.
Once again I'm falling to my knees
(I try to escape cause I just can't take it)
Now this feeling is spreading like a disease
(I fake another day and the wheel keeps turning)
This place is so pathetic
Doesn't anybody get it?
Is there anybody home?
Is there anybody home?
There's nothing left
We’re just a shadow of what we used to be
Here we are pretending we're OK
(You can say what you want but you still can't fool me)
The life we're living
It's all masquerade
(I try to smile but I can't remember how)
So how did we get so jaded?
Is it so complicated?
To not give up on me?
It was late when Aline finally went home. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a long time before I finally reached for my notebook.
Whenever I need you
Whenever I run to
I know where to find you
It keeps me holding on
I wrote ‘Holding On’ carefully at the top of the page and sighed. Aline is right. For the moment, for what it’s worth, I’ll have to put on a brave face and get through this.
I tried to hide the notebook I’ve been scribbling in underneath my pillow. “Um, nothing,” I mumbled. Too bad I wasn’t fast enough. Damn my tired muscles. “Are those…song lyrics?” She broke out into a wide grin. “Have you been songwriting all this time?” “Sort of, yeah, I guess,” I said, embarrassed. “Pierre and Chuck are the main writers of Simple Plan. Jeff, Seb and I contribute what we could, but…” I flicked my pencil nervously. “I’ve never seriously attempted to write before.” “But that’s great! It’s about time you took the initiative. Can I see what you’ve so far?” she beamed. Reluctantly, I let her peruse the pages of the well-worn book.
“The End by David Desrosiers,” she read aloud. “Nice title.” “Thanks.” “I’ve been trying to tell you something, but you never understand. I feel like we’ve been going ’round in circles. You look at me like I’ve become a stranger on the streets. I guess this is the part where you look at me and say good-bye.” She is silent for a while, reading the rest of the lyrics without betraying a hint of emotion. “Well, that was…pretty powerful.” I shrugged. “Dedicated to all the fake bitches I ever went out with. I know those airheads are only after my cash but I don’t want our relationships to end anyway. It’s sickening I know. I need to have a girl at my disposal at all times so I can throw her down the bed and get an easy f*ck out of her.” It doesn’t necessarily make me happy but I do it anyway. It’s the only way to get this terrible loneliness off my chest. The feeling of being wanted, of being needed, even for sexual reasons is powerful enough for me to succumb to temptation. My voice rose all of the sudden. “It’s a stupid, stupid life and I’m sick of it. Chuck was right. I always screw things up. This is a stupid song and I shouldn’t have shown it to you.”
Aline looked a little angry. “Will you stop wallowing in self-pity for once and admire your own talent? You’re gifted, David. You should show this to the others and have it recorded. You’re a lot better than you think.” I let out a harsh laugh. “Tell that to the other guys. They think I’m a joke.” “Then prove it to them, and to everyone else for that matter, that you’re not,” she said simply.
I threw my hands up in despair. “What do you want me to do? It’s not so easy. For the past five or six years I’ve been living a lie. Like you said, sometimes we can’t even distinguish between our stage images and our real selves. I don’t know who I am supposed to be anymore, Al.” Aline’s eyes grew soft. “I know,” she sighed. “But for the sake of everyone else, we have to keep holding on.”
She took out a pen and flipped to a fresh page. “Writing always clears the mind,” she said quietly. “Tell me, David. What do you feel right now?” We both wrote a song together that day. It wasn’t a genius masterpiece like Welcome To My Life or Perfect in our previous albums, but it told my story, and that’s all that matters.
Once again I'm falling to my knees
(I try to escape cause I just can't take it)
Now this feeling is spreading like a disease
(I fake another day and the wheel keeps turning)
This place is so pathetic
Doesn't anybody get it?
Is there anybody home?
Is there anybody home?
There's nothing left
We’re just a shadow of what we used to be
Here we are pretending we're OK
(You can say what you want but you still can't fool me)
The life we're living
It's all masquerade
(I try to smile but I can't remember how)
So how did we get so jaded?
Is it so complicated?
To not give up on me?
It was late when Aline finally went home. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a long time before I finally reached for my notebook.
Whenever I need you
Whenever I run to
I know where to find you
It keeps me holding on
I wrote ‘Holding On’ carefully at the top of the page and sighed. Aline is right. For the moment, for what it’s worth, I’ll have to put on a brave face and get through this.