I Guess I'll Never Get To Call You Mine
CHUCK
You can tell me that there's nobody else
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know, I know
Your love is just a lie
It's nothing but a lie
I’ve forced myself to go back to work writing songs in the studio. What else can I do when the bills start coming in floods everyday? I’m hoping to finish this record as soon as possible so I can finally hire a lawyer and divorce that f*cking slut of a wife. Forcing me into marriage by way of a fake pregnancy is one thing, but cheating on me with my childhood friend is just too much to take. I left Ashley to take refuge in her friend’s house while I spent most nights in the studio, refusing my friends’ invitations to sleep at their couch. I can’t bear the thought of being a charity case, especially since I know they’ve disapproved of Ashley ever since I’ve first dated her.
Anyways, Ashley has been surprisingly compliant after we dragged her to the hospital to check who the baby’s father is, since she f*cked poor J.S. as well. Of course what they found is (surprise surprise) she isn’t pregnant after all. Maybe that bitch finally felt some remorse, because she’d taken a job working as waitress to help make ends meet, and sends me cooked meals everyday to the studio which I refused to eat. Starving myself gave me another way to punish myself for idiocy.
I think my friends felt sorry for me, because they’re giving me some space. I appreciate the privacy, but I hated having to be pitied, to become an object of their sympathy. I avoided them most of the time and rarely communicated with them verbally. I would write my songs in one corner of the studio while they would gather in another part of the building. Ideas were exchanged by slipping pieces of paper underneath the door. They didn’t like it, but hey, they’re not the ones with an estranged wife and no home to return to.
I turned on the lights and heaved a sigh. The room was empty as usual. I practically refused to see anybody when I work, my band members and crew included. I took a seat and picked up a pencil and a piece of paper, deciding to work on a new song I’ve just started. I’ve come up with some lines yesterday, and I thought they were pretty good—depressing and gloomy, just like how I feel right now:
Broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces
You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile
If these walls could talk they would have so much to say
'Cause every time you fight the scars are gonna heal but they're never gonna go away
I bit the end of my pencil and thought back bitterly to what I’ve been experiencing ever since Randy and Aline Young arrived in Montréal. Let’s see: David hit my best friend with his bike, and tried to sleep with her. I’ve been on the most humiliating rescue mission ever. I married my whore of a girlfriend. I’m broke. Yep, I’m happy to have such a blessed life.
You're falling, you're screaming
You're stuck in the same old nightmare
He's lying, you're crying
There's nothing left to salvage
Kick the door 'cause this is over
Get me out of here
There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh so what will you do?
There's only lies
There's only fears
There's only pain
There is no love here
“Oh, no,” I said flatly to myself. “So what will you do?” I put down my pencil and was about to reach for my dictionary when I heard the door open softly, and the last person I wanted to see entered.
“Sorry,” Aline apologized. “I thought there was no one here.” “Yeah sure,” I snapped. “You could see the friggin’ lights on. What do you want?” She flinched at the tone of my voice, but I didn’t bother feeling guilty. “Well, uh, you’ve been writing here all by yourself for almost two months now,” she said quietly. “We were wondering if you would like to join us this time.” “Hmm…let me think about it,” I said sarcastically. “I would love to. Why don’t I join you right now? After all, I’ve been meaning to these past couple of months.” I stood up so abruptly that my chair toppled with a crash, papers scattering around me.
“Why can’t you just leave me alone, Al?” I shouted. “Can’t you see I’m in the deep end here? I said I didn’t need anybody and I mean it. Now go back to the others. I don’t need them and I certainly don’t need you!” “We just wanted to help—” “I don’t need any help! I bet they sent you here because they think you can convince me, huh? Well they’re wrong!” I slammed my hand so hard on my desk that when I lifted it back up I saw blood between my knuckles. Aline took a step forward, her hand reaching out, but I backed away.
“Don’t!” I barked. “Stop helping Aline! That’s all you ever do. Help people. Why don’t you just help yourself for once and get a life? I personally think you’re wasting your time with Desrosiers. You only went out with him because you felt sorry for him, don’t you? You think he’s like some cute little lost puppy you can help? That kid’s been depressed for ages. He’s a useless moron. He—” “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” She held her hands up, looking furious. “Go and keep yelling at me if you like but keep David out of this! You’ve been obsessed with him ever since that stupid motorcycle accident! Well I’m telling you that you don’t know him as well as you think you do. Sure he’s got problems but he’s facing it like a man now, unlike you, who’s currently acting like a spoiled two-year-old!” She shook her head. “I’m sorry for everything that has happened to you, Chuck, but I really do, but you have to stop cutting people off like this. Seb said—”
“Here we go again.” I threw my hands up in exasperation. “Seb, Seb, Seb. If you value his opinion so much why don’t get him to break up with Laurence and go out with him? Now that I think about it you two are perfect for each other.” “What the hell is wrong with you? First, it’s David and me. Then it’s me and Seb? For crying out loud Chuck we were just friends for goodness’ sake! I cannot understand why you care so much who I hang out with. Besides, now I’ve seen what you’ve become, I would won’t waste any more time with you!” She opened the door and bit her lip, her eyes blazing into mine fiercely. “You want to be left alone? You got your wish. I’ll give the others your message. I hope you’re happy now.”
She closed the door shut and I waited until her footsteps died away before I fell on my knees and cried. I’m sorry Aline, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I sobbed until I was reduced to lying on the ground like a bawling baby. I’ve made you hate me now. I didn’t want you to hate me. You think I didn’t care at all, that I hated you. I sniffled and wiped my nose on my sleeve. I’ve never hated you. In fact, you’ve gotten it all wrong.
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know, I know
Your love is just a lie
It's nothing but a lie
I’ve forced myself to go back to work writing songs in the studio. What else can I do when the bills start coming in floods everyday? I’m hoping to finish this record as soon as possible so I can finally hire a lawyer and divorce that f*cking slut of a wife. Forcing me into marriage by way of a fake pregnancy is one thing, but cheating on me with my childhood friend is just too much to take. I left Ashley to take refuge in her friend’s house while I spent most nights in the studio, refusing my friends’ invitations to sleep at their couch. I can’t bear the thought of being a charity case, especially since I know they’ve disapproved of Ashley ever since I’ve first dated her.
Anyways, Ashley has been surprisingly compliant after we dragged her to the hospital to check who the baby’s father is, since she f*cked poor J.S. as well. Of course what they found is (surprise surprise) she isn’t pregnant after all. Maybe that bitch finally felt some remorse, because she’d taken a job working as waitress to help make ends meet, and sends me cooked meals everyday to the studio which I refused to eat. Starving myself gave me another way to punish myself for idiocy.
I think my friends felt sorry for me, because they’re giving me some space. I appreciate the privacy, but I hated having to be pitied, to become an object of their sympathy. I avoided them most of the time and rarely communicated with them verbally. I would write my songs in one corner of the studio while they would gather in another part of the building. Ideas were exchanged by slipping pieces of paper underneath the door. They didn’t like it, but hey, they’re not the ones with an estranged wife and no home to return to.
I turned on the lights and heaved a sigh. The room was empty as usual. I practically refused to see anybody when I work, my band members and crew included. I took a seat and picked up a pencil and a piece of paper, deciding to work on a new song I’ve just started. I’ve come up with some lines yesterday, and I thought they were pretty good—depressing and gloomy, just like how I feel right now:
Broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces
You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile
If these walls could talk they would have so much to say
'Cause every time you fight the scars are gonna heal but they're never gonna go away
I bit the end of my pencil and thought back bitterly to what I’ve been experiencing ever since Randy and Aline Young arrived in Montréal. Let’s see: David hit my best friend with his bike, and tried to sleep with her. I’ve been on the most humiliating rescue mission ever. I married my whore of a girlfriend. I’m broke. Yep, I’m happy to have such a blessed life.
You're falling, you're screaming
You're stuck in the same old nightmare
He's lying, you're crying
There's nothing left to salvage
Kick the door 'cause this is over
Get me out of here
There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh so what will you do?
There's only lies
There's only fears
There's only pain
There is no love here
“Oh, no,” I said flatly to myself. “So what will you do?” I put down my pencil and was about to reach for my dictionary when I heard the door open softly, and the last person I wanted to see entered.
“Sorry,” Aline apologized. “I thought there was no one here.” “Yeah sure,” I snapped. “You could see the friggin’ lights on. What do you want?” She flinched at the tone of my voice, but I didn’t bother feeling guilty. “Well, uh, you’ve been writing here all by yourself for almost two months now,” she said quietly. “We were wondering if you would like to join us this time.” “Hmm…let me think about it,” I said sarcastically. “I would love to. Why don’t I join you right now? After all, I’ve been meaning to these past couple of months.” I stood up so abruptly that my chair toppled with a crash, papers scattering around me.
“Why can’t you just leave me alone, Al?” I shouted. “Can’t you see I’m in the deep end here? I said I didn’t need anybody and I mean it. Now go back to the others. I don’t need them and I certainly don’t need you!” “We just wanted to help—” “I don’t need any help! I bet they sent you here because they think you can convince me, huh? Well they’re wrong!” I slammed my hand so hard on my desk that when I lifted it back up I saw blood between my knuckles. Aline took a step forward, her hand reaching out, but I backed away.
“Don’t!” I barked. “Stop helping Aline! That’s all you ever do. Help people. Why don’t you just help yourself for once and get a life? I personally think you’re wasting your time with Desrosiers. You only went out with him because you felt sorry for him, don’t you? You think he’s like some cute little lost puppy you can help? That kid’s been depressed for ages. He’s a useless moron. He—” “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” She held her hands up, looking furious. “Go and keep yelling at me if you like but keep David out of this! You’ve been obsessed with him ever since that stupid motorcycle accident! Well I’m telling you that you don’t know him as well as you think you do. Sure he’s got problems but he’s facing it like a man now, unlike you, who’s currently acting like a spoiled two-year-old!” She shook her head. “I’m sorry for everything that has happened to you, Chuck, but I really do, but you have to stop cutting people off like this. Seb said—”
“Here we go again.” I threw my hands up in exasperation. “Seb, Seb, Seb. If you value his opinion so much why don’t get him to break up with Laurence and go out with him? Now that I think about it you two are perfect for each other.” “What the hell is wrong with you? First, it’s David and me. Then it’s me and Seb? For crying out loud Chuck we were just friends for goodness’ sake! I cannot understand why you care so much who I hang out with. Besides, now I’ve seen what you’ve become, I would won’t waste any more time with you!” She opened the door and bit her lip, her eyes blazing into mine fiercely. “You want to be left alone? You got your wish. I’ll give the others your message. I hope you’re happy now.”
She closed the door shut and I waited until her footsteps died away before I fell on my knees and cried. I’m sorry Aline, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I sobbed until I was reduced to lying on the ground like a bawling baby. I’ve made you hate me now. I didn’t want you to hate me. You think I didn’t care at all, that I hated you. I sniffled and wiped my nose on my sleeve. I’ve never hated you. In fact, you’ve gotten it all wrong.