Self Destruction Is Such a Pretty Little Thing

The guys got back from the chinese resturant with two big bags of take out, just as me and Ben were pouring the mac and cheese into our bowls. We took spoons quickly and brought our food to the table before the rest of them could invade the kitchen. Danny took one look at the Mac and cheese and started laughing again.

"What are the odds that they guy working at the resturant was named Mike?" James groaned at the laughing Danny.

"Mike and Chinese," Danny breathed through his laughter. I snorted as I took a bite of my pasta and shook my head. Ben started laughing with Danny.

"He's being ridiculous," Sam complained as he took a seat at the bar, and dug into the bag for his dinner.

"We noticed, mate" Ben chuckled and took a bite of his Mac and Cheese.

"Try listening to him the whole car ride there and back," Cameron yelled, taking a seat next to Petter.

"Was it that bad?" Ben asked with his mouth full.

"Yeah!" Cam yelped angrily.

"Think of it like this...'Thrift Shop' came on while we were driving," James glared.

"So?" Ben raised an eyebrow.

"Maclemore and Chinese!" Danny started laughing again and held his gut while he laughed. I giggled myself. I could only assume that he was drunk again.

"Mac Miller and cheese," Ben added, chuckling a little. Danny pointed to him and started to crack up again as he plopped down on the couch with his food.

"Don't encourage him!" Sam yelled at Ben with his eyes wide.

"I'm not!" Ben raised his arms in the air and grinned sarcastically.

"Uhm!" James looked at him annoyed.

"Anything to annoy you baby," Ben picked up a spoonful of Mac and Cheese and shoved it into his mouth as he spoke.

"Gross," I wrote out on the wipe board as I laughed.

Ben pursed his lips that were covered in the melted cheese and leaned forwards towards me. He made that ugly duck face and squinted his eyes shut as he threw his head back. "I look gorgeous," He spat.

"Yeah uhm it's beauty and the beast," James chuckled.

"Awe thanks you fucking wanker," He smiled.

"Yeah, you're the beast," James winked at him and sat down across from him with his chinese food.

"Who's the beauty?" Ben cocked his head.

"The mac and cheese," James laughed shook his hair out of his eyes.

"Mac and beast," Danny called from the couch with a little laugh.

"That one was deffinetly the worst of them all," Cameron groaned.

"Do you guys have ductape for his mouth?" I held up my board.

"We might..." Ben looked skeptical.

"We don't," James shook his head.

"I thought we did," Sam cocked his head.

"I used the whole roll," James blushed.

"On what?" I asked.

"I ripped my pants," He laughed, while looking down at his food.

"So your sollution was ductaping them back together?" I laughed while I was writing, and left a scribble mark on the R.

"Duh," He laughed and took a bite of his rice.

"You got rice..." Ben suddenly noticed James's choice in food.

"Yeah why?" He asked.

"I could've made rice!" Ben groaned.

"Yeah but it wouldn't have been the same," James moaned.

"Why not?!" Ben wacked the table with his arm.

"It's not chinese food unless a chinese dude makes it!" James whined with a laugh. I rolled my eyes and stifled my laughter.

"Idiot," Danny scoffed.

"I wouldn't be talking if I were you," Cam warned.

"I'm not an idiot," Danny denyed.

"That's a good one. Better then most of the jokes you've said tonight," I laughed as I held up my board.

"I think I found her personality Sam," Danny glared at me sarcastically.

"What'd'you think?" Sam spat with his food.

"She's a sarcastic asshole," Danny continued to glare at me, and I grinned wide and flipped my hair into my face and into my eyes.

"What was that?" James laughed at my hair flip.

I wrote on the board quickly with my hair still in my face. "Oh sorry, I was imitating Ben,"

"Pain in the ass," Ben mumbled while he laughed. "I'm going to turn you into Lucy and Cheese,"

"Eat with caution," I wrote.

"Why?" James chuckled.

"Lucy and Cheese consumers are known to have cronic ass pains," I winked at the boys, who all started to laugh with me.

***

The next morning, Ben actually got up before me. When I made my way to the kitchen, the boys were all already ready. They looked like they'd been waiting for me.

"We have to head out. We'll be back around three alright?" James said to me. He sounded like he was in a rush. "Maybe later,"

"Where're you going?" I wrote worriedly.

"We have to go to the studio. We have a song to work on today," James explained. I was confused...were they in a band?

"Are you in a band?" I asked.

"Yeah, Asking Alexandria," Jaybee looked at me with a sly smirk. How did I not fucking know this? I mean; he'd made me buy their shirt!

"Can I come with you guys? I don't want to stay here alone," I wrote awkwardly. I didn't feel comfortable here alone. If something happened, I couldn't call them and tell them.

"Yeah sure, but you have to quiet," Sam winked, and I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"We're taking two cars I guess. I'll take you, Ben and Sam, and the rest can go in the other car, alright?" James shooed my into my room to get changed and put on make up, which I did quickly and followed them out to their cars.

***

When we got to their studio, they made me sit outside the booth near the sound guy. I was told to sit in a little waiting chair and listen/watch. Ben went in first, and the rest of the guys wanted to stand outside in the hall. I wrote to them to tell them that I wanted to stay and hear Ben sing. I couldn't imagine him singing.

"Ben, we're going to start with Poison," The sound guy called into the mic, and Ben nodded. He started breathing nervous then began singing.

"I wanna watch the whole world,
I wanna watch the whole world burn down, burn down.
I wanna watch the whole world,
I wanna watch the whole world burn down, burn down,"

He was surprisingly amazing at singing. Once in a while he'd look to me while he was singing, and he would smile. I blushed and shied away at him.

"Alright cut. I want to try that again Ben, alright?" The guy stopped the music and Ben took of the head phones to pause. He sighed and nodded and they started the song back up. It was really good. The man made Ben start over a bunch of times.

"Okay, that's enough for today. Send Danny in for screaming," The man stopped him again at the same spot. Ben came out of the booth and walked over to me.

"Come out into the hall. Listening to Danny scream over and over isn't going to interest you," He tapped my shoulder and laughed.

I nodded and followed Ben into the hall. He hit Danny's back for him to go inside. Danny nodded to us and slipped into the booth.

"How was it?" James asked.

"We're working on Poison, but he thinks we'll need to redo my part again," He sighed and shook his hair.

"What'd you think?" Asked Cam, to me.

"I loved the lyrics, and Ben's pretty amazing," I smiled and held up the board to the guys.

"Why a'thank you," Ben grinned. "But I'm not the vocalist,"

"What are you then?" I cocked my head as I held up the board. He was too good to not be singing!

"I'm the guitarist," Ben ran a hand through his hair.

"So, are you guys big here?" I wrote.

"Asking Alexandria? Yeah. We're some of the biggest rock stars around," James smiled proudly.

"Dick size? No," Ben scoffed, and laughed. We all chuckled and James nudged.

"What do you want to do for a career?" Cam asked from beside James.

"I used to want to do something, but now I'm not sure," I shrugged.

"What was it?" Asked Ben.

"I wanted to sing," I blushed and let my hair fall in my eyes.

"Really?!" James looked shocked.

"Yeah but I kind of gave up on it," I cocked my head in embarassment as I held up the board.

"Why would you give up on your dreams?" Asked Ben.

"Gunnar always told me I couldn't sing. If you can't sing it, you can't acheive it," I blushed harder and looked away from their disgusted faces.

"You can do what you fucking want. Screw what Gunnar said," Ben scoffed.

"What a bastard," Sam grunted.

"I'll bet you're a good singer," Cam added.

"You've never even heard my voice," I laughed awkwardly and silent as I held the board up again.

"But I bet it's fucking delightful," Ben smiled a funny smile that reminded me of the strange face he always made.

"Probably not," I shook my head and laughed.

"What do you mean, 'probably'? You've heard your own voice before," Sam chuckled.

I shrugged and erased my last message.

***

When we got back to the house, James offered to call my parents and talk to them for me about how I've been. I'd write down what I want him to say. I agreed and we dialed the number to Mors cell phone. Sam, Cameron, and Danny had all decided to stay out and go bowling, so it was just me, James and Ben at the house.

James dialed the number and turned on speaker phone. I sat down on the couch with my wipe off marker ready, and Ben sat at the bar. James stood in front of me a few feet away.

Mum picked up the phone and her voice sounded strained. "Hello?"

"Hey Sydney it's James, Lucy wants me to say some stuff for her," James spoke to her.

"Oh hello James. What does she say?" She said sounding bored and I could tell that she wasn't trying as hard as usual to be fake as fuck.

I held up a board for him to read, and he repeated what he read.

"She says she's having a good time in America, and she's made friends," He looked down at the phone at the end of the sentence and raised an eyebrow as his words slowed down.

"Oh that's nice honey. Your brother and sister miss you," She said. She sounded stressed and it worried me.

"She says she wants to know when she has to go home," He said, with an eyebrow raised to Mum as he read my next message.

"Well honey, you seem to getting along fine there. Let's wait it out a bit, besides you haven't been there long. You can stay for a few more months maybe," Mum said quickly. She sounded very distracted as well. I could hear shuffling in the background and muffled voices.

"She says...she says," Jolle didn't even look up at me this time. He kept his eyes focused on the phone. "Where are you?"

"Home, of course James," My mother laughed nervously through the phone.

"Last time I spoke to you on the telephone, it said the call was coming from the UK, but now it says you're call's coming from France!" James shouted into the mouth of the phone. He spat angrily and my heart sunk as I felt myself sink further into the couch. My hands shook. "Taking a little Vacation?!"

"James, you don't understand," My mother started with a deep breath.

"Why are you leaving your daughter with us? So you can take a vacation?!" James screamed. I could see Ben shocked expression from the bar.

"No, listen..." He cut her off again, and my lower lip trembled.

"Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck did Lucy ever do to you?" Now Ben was screaming from his own place. His eye brows were knitted together in anger.

"James!" My mother shouted.

"That's ridiculous. Can't you take care of your own fucking daughter?" James shouted back into the speaker.

"Shut up!" She screamed in a pitch I'd never heard. My hands shook even more violently.

"You're fucking retarded. You're an awful parent! Lucy is a sweet girl, she..." James yelled but Mum cut him off.

"Listen to me James Cassells! We're not on vacation! We moved out of that God forsaken place! Good thing too!" Mum shouted back and I heard the dial tone, as she hung up.

James shut the phone and threw it across the room. He took a deep breath and put his head in his hands. I tried to stop my lip from trembling, and my hands shook too much for me to write anything to comfort James.

I saw that Ben still sat silently with a horrified expression. His jaw slacked open and his eyes were filled with anger and annoyance.

"What a fucking bitch!" James screamed and swung his arm around angrily. I didn't know what to say or do in the situation. I didn't fully understand what was going on. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. My mind had turned blank.

"What's happening?" Ben gulped for my sake.

"They moved away from home..." James grumbled.

"Why though?! They're fucking wankers!" Ben shouted.

"So that Lucy doesn't know where to find them," James didn't look at me in the eye. He looked in my direction but looked down at my feet. I shook my head slowly in disbelief.

Now I understood. They sent me here because I'm eighteen, so I can take care of myself. But they never gave me a time to come home, because there wouldn't be a home when I got there. They sent me away so they could get away from the UK without bringing me. I was old enough that they don't have to keep me there anymore, so it was completely legal. Just extremely awful and heartless.

"Lu'..." Bn stood and rushed over to me on the couch. He sat down beside me and wrapped his arms around me as I gulped a sob. He put his head on my shoulder and coddled me. I was thankful for his warm embrace.

"What do you want to do about this?" James asked, kneeling in front of me, as a few tears made their way onto my cheeks.

I shrugged and sobbed a little harder, but silently.

"Stay with us," Ben sat up, but kept an arm around me.

"You know you're welcome here." James nodded and reached out for my hand.

"I don't want to be so annoying." I wrote slowly and the boys read it from my lap. "You guys barely even know me,"

"It's not annoying. We want you here, you can't leave. I'm your cousin, and I'm telling you that I want you to stay here, mate" James patted my hand and looked up at me.

"Are you guys sure? I could always move back and stay in an apartment," I shook with a sob.

"No way! You're not leaving us to live all alone in England," Ben shook his head quickly.

"Please stay. You're family, and you're the only one I like," James laughed and smiled up at me which helped.

"I'll stay if you really want me to," I wrote and sniffled.

"Then you're staying," Ben gave me a comforting kiss on the head and hugged me again. I sniffled again and slowed my crying.

***

I sat alone in the bedroom. I'd asked the guys to give me some space so I could be alone. I laid on the bed face up and put my hand on my stomach. Stray tears dripped down my cheek and down my temple. My family really hadn't liked me for the past year, but I never expected them to try to leave me. I had thought that me and Monika had bonded for the first time before I left. I'm sure she knew they were moving, and just felt bad. That's why she pretended to be so sweet.

I blinked heavily and slow, letting more tears escape. I lifted my shirt and ran my fingers along my stomach, feeling the little bumps from the scars. They were old, but I knew better then to create any fresh ones. I remembered every scar, and every placement of every cut. I knew why the blade hit each spot. I could remember everything that happened that made me want to take the blade to each little scar.

I brought my hand back up closer to my face, and reached my hand behind my ear and touched the indented mark. I remembered that too. As if I could forget each time Gunnar hit me like that.

My parents knew everything that had happened...how could they think it would help to leave me stranded? It's bullshit. I want to scream so badly. I wanted to scream like I used to when I'd sing to my favorite songs, or the songs I'd write. I wanted to just lash out at Mum and tell her everything that's been building up inside when they locked me up in the hospital, and when she told me she was sending me to America, and when she didn't believe that Gunnar was hitting me. How could a she think I was looking for attention? I didn't give myself the bruises! She only believed me when I came home with the bloody head, from when Gunnar got to drunk and shoved me into that fucking coffee table. I'd run out of the house before he said anything else to me. That's when everything got sucky, and my parents started to realize I was cutting my stomach.

I cried harder and picked up my board. I looked it over. I could see all the finger prints from where I'd erased all the messages written in blue wipe off marker. I eyed it for a while, before a tear fell onto it, and I felt frustration take over. I swung my arm and threw the board. It landed across the room on the floor by the door. I wiped my eyes and cheeks, and sat up on the bed, pulling my shirt down to cover the scars up. I didn't want the guys to think I'm crazy too.

I picked up my little make up bag off of the end table, and pulled out my sharpie. I wanted to write something on my body. I chose to write it on my ankle. I wrote in little letters, "Asking Alexandria". It was in honor of James, Ben and the rest of the band, for being such amazing people to me.

I stood and walked back to the door, to join the guys once again. I picked up my wipe off board, and held my head high.