Status: I love you all
One Door Closed Another Left Open
Two Steps
I promised my friends I would go hang out tonight, but I really don’t want to. My depression has taken full control over my body, and I don’t even want to move. I am curled up on my bed with my two dogs. Pierce The Veil am playing on my phone and scrolling through Tumblr. Only one of my friends knows about my mental problems. I vent when I'm in the right mind set, and she has always been there to listen; just as I am always there for her.
"Ow," I whimpered to myself. My tooth starts hurting intensely. Every now and then it hurts like a bitch, but usually only when I eat something and it gets stuck in the hole. I haven't eaten anything today. I was good. The pain gets worse. It feels like a dentist is giving me a shot in the hole, but refuses to take the needle out. I can feel the veins on my forehead bulging as I try to stay quiet. The pain is making me feel really weak. I struggle to a sitting position, deciding to take some pain medicine and pray it works.
I try to stand up and nearly collapse. The pain has left me weak in the knees. As soon as I hit the floor, I need to cut. I need to gain back control. I need that comforting kiss of metal. I slowly make my way back into the bathroom and sit down on the toilet, sliding my pants down to my ankles. I take out my blade and gently run my free hand over my right thigh. There are still raised scabs from my last melt down. I can feel where some of the skin is still split. I feel disgusting. I feel scared. I can’t cut, not in this state. I don’t want to die.
I don't want to die.
I shove my blade back into its hiding spot and cry. Everything hurts. Everything is useless. Everything is just too much. My hands are shaking as my Carpal Tunnel flare, adding to the pain. I go to stand up andfall again, this time hitting my neck on the toilet. I bite my lip, nearly screaming in pain as I feel a disc dislocate. I have a reverse spine from my past car crashes and it is actually not that hard for me to pop a disc or nerve, but it hurts like shit. I raise a hand to my back, feeling the bulge in my skin. I whimper, placing both hands on the floor out in front of me to hold myself up. I try to straighten my back but it hurts too much. I need medication, real medication.
I use the toilet seat to pull myself up from the floor. I only slip twice before I make it to my feet, vision blurred from the pain and tears. I slowly walk my way out into the living room and search for the medicine bag my mother keeps filled with our prescriptions. I hear a distinct slapping sound followed by moans and groans from her bed room. Ugh, and the bag isn’t out here. I decide not to risk seeing my mom and her new boyfriend fucking, and limp back into my room. I collapse on my bed, hissing against the pain. I cringe as I try to get some what comfortable. I just need to sleep. If I can pass out, I won’t feel any pain. I end up lying on my stomach with my right leg bent and my head twisted to my left with my dogs curled in between my legs. Luckily, the pain leaves me completely drained, emotionally and physically, so sleep encases me quickly.
I wake up scratching my left hand, not even an hour later. Fucking hell. I stand up, staggering since I am still pretty lifeless from the pain. I have had this happen to me at least six times before. I wake up in the middle of allergy attack. It usually starts out with my hands, but spreads to full body quickly. I take two Benadryls and then a good two gulps from one of the water bottles I keep stocked on my sink counter. I run my hands under some cold water to help with the itching, then rub my cold hands over my feet which have already started to itch. I start to feel nauseous, but know there is no point in trying to throw up. I didn’t eat anything today, so the only thing that would be exiting my body is the medicine I just took. I sigh and try not to scratch, knowing I have to get back to sleep so my body can relax and this will stop. I still don't know what causes these damn things, but at 8pm after an hour long nap, I don’t care.
Huh, it's only 8pm. That's really early for me to be tired. I don't care. My depression is already making me feel tired, and adding severe back/neck/tooth pain and an allergy attack just pushes me over the edge. I am just done.
"Ow," I whimpered to myself. My tooth starts hurting intensely. Every now and then it hurts like a bitch, but usually only when I eat something and it gets stuck in the hole. I haven't eaten anything today. I was good. The pain gets worse. It feels like a dentist is giving me a shot in the hole, but refuses to take the needle out. I can feel the veins on my forehead bulging as I try to stay quiet. The pain is making me feel really weak. I struggle to a sitting position, deciding to take some pain medicine and pray it works.
I try to stand up and nearly collapse. The pain has left me weak in the knees. As soon as I hit the floor, I need to cut. I need to gain back control. I need that comforting kiss of metal. I slowly make my way back into the bathroom and sit down on the toilet, sliding my pants down to my ankles. I take out my blade and gently run my free hand over my right thigh. There are still raised scabs from my last melt down. I can feel where some of the skin is still split. I feel disgusting. I feel scared. I can’t cut, not in this state. I don’t want to die.
I don't want to die.
I shove my blade back into its hiding spot and cry. Everything hurts. Everything is useless. Everything is just too much. My hands are shaking as my Carpal Tunnel flare, adding to the pain. I go to stand up andfall again, this time hitting my neck on the toilet. I bite my lip, nearly screaming in pain as I feel a disc dislocate. I have a reverse spine from my past car crashes and it is actually not that hard for me to pop a disc or nerve, but it hurts like shit. I raise a hand to my back, feeling the bulge in my skin. I whimper, placing both hands on the floor out in front of me to hold myself up. I try to straighten my back but it hurts too much. I need medication, real medication.
I use the toilet seat to pull myself up from the floor. I only slip twice before I make it to my feet, vision blurred from the pain and tears. I slowly walk my way out into the living room and search for the medicine bag my mother keeps filled with our prescriptions. I hear a distinct slapping sound followed by moans and groans from her bed room. Ugh, and the bag isn’t out here. I decide not to risk seeing my mom and her new boyfriend fucking, and limp back into my room. I collapse on my bed, hissing against the pain. I cringe as I try to get some what comfortable. I just need to sleep. If I can pass out, I won’t feel any pain. I end up lying on my stomach with my right leg bent and my head twisted to my left with my dogs curled in between my legs. Luckily, the pain leaves me completely drained, emotionally and physically, so sleep encases me quickly.
I wake up scratching my left hand, not even an hour later. Fucking hell. I stand up, staggering since I am still pretty lifeless from the pain. I have had this happen to me at least six times before. I wake up in the middle of allergy attack. It usually starts out with my hands, but spreads to full body quickly. I take two Benadryls and then a good two gulps from one of the water bottles I keep stocked on my sink counter. I run my hands under some cold water to help with the itching, then rub my cold hands over my feet which have already started to itch. I start to feel nauseous, but know there is no point in trying to throw up. I didn’t eat anything today, so the only thing that would be exiting my body is the medicine I just took. I sigh and try not to scratch, knowing I have to get back to sleep so my body can relax and this will stop. I still don't know what causes these damn things, but at 8pm after an hour long nap, I don’t care.
Huh, it's only 8pm. That's really early for me to be tired. I don't care. My depression is already making me feel tired, and adding severe back/neck/tooth pain and an allergy attack just pushes me over the edge. I am just done.
♠ ♠ ♠
To all of those who are misunderstood.~SioraArois