Love, Lies, and Friendship

Josh didn't say a word as we descended the stairwell. I stayed quiet, just keeping hold of his hand and trying to ignore the growing tension. We got out into the street and Josh muttered something about his coat zip and dropped my hand to fiddle with it. I knew what he was doing and forced a smile at him, shoving my hands in my pockets and continuing to walk.

We got back to the apartment and the silence had become too much for me to bear. I turned round and Josh struggled to meet my eyes.
"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Why did you kiss me?" Josh looked away and I sighed.
"You can't even hear me say it, really?"

"Don't...look just stop pressuring me Oli-"

"Are you fucking serious?!"

"What? Just because I'm not madly in love with you like you are me...." He sighed.
"Oli I'm sorry."

"No. Don't. That is so...unfair." He looked at me guiltily.
"You slept with me in the first place. You initiated that. You led me on so I fell in love with you. Then you make me feel like shit every fucking day for the last few months. You tell me that you feel the same way. And now you're going back to-" His phone started ringing. I shook my head slightly and he checked it.

"It's Clara." His voice came out croaky and he answered it, they spoke and he hung up.

"You just agreed to meet her tonight? So what are you gonna do, Josh? Have two relationships? Keep stringing me along but keep her for everyone to see?"

"Stop it. Just shut up!!" He ran a hand over his face wearily.

"I know it's not easy but-"

"But nothing. She's my girlfriend, I've gotta to meet her...and you...forget it. I'll see you later." He slammed the door as he left.

For a change, time seemed to pass quickly, and Josh soon returned.
"I don't want to do this now Oli, talk to me-"

"You're not gonna keep doing this to me Josh. We talk now."

"No! Ok? It's not always-"

"Either you tell me exactly how you feel, and be honest, or one of us is moving out." Josh stopped and stared at me.

"W-what?"

"The last few months have been hell for me, it's been emotional stress which has tipped me over the edge and put me back in hospital on more than one occasion-"

"What?! I didn't know that it was more than-"

"Doesn't make a difference. But anyway, I've been thinking since you've been gone and I can't keep doing it. I'm in love with you-" Josh's eyes fluttered shut and he frowned slightly.

"Yes, ok? I love you, I am in love with you, Josh." I struggled to keep my voice steady and his eyes opened, now filled with tears.

"But...I can't keep hurting myself...for you." He shook his head and came closer.

"I don't want you to hurt..."

"Then just tell me."

"I'm just scared, I'm a fucking coward I know but....I just...every time I see you like this, I hate myself for putting you through it and I'm terrified of losing you. But then the thought of coming out pushes me back to Clara. I don't care if I lose her. She's nice and everything. But I don't need her, like I need you, like...like I want you, in my life." I nodded slowly and he hugged me gently.

"See...this? I love it. It's like I get off just on having you in my arms, not in a hot kind of way, I just love feeling you. I never feel that with her, or anyone else." He mumbled against my neck. I hugged him back, knowing exactly how he felt.

"I feel the same. But look, no matter what you decide, Josh, I'm coming out. I'm gay, and I know it." He tensed but whispered 'okay', and just kept holding me gently.